| The Foundations
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:22:41 PM | There are a number of foundations to look at when asking "Am I (or this person) ready for a relationship" or "Is this person right for me?". In short, these consist of personal foundations, relationship skills, and matching.
The basic foundations are time, money, transportation, and one's home. Most of these things are fairly beyond our control, at least in the immediate sense.
TIME - It's hard to maintain any personal relationships (friendship, romantic or otherwise) if you don't have the time to invest. Are you working more than one job? Working and going to school? Going full time with a long commute? Taking care of children or other family? Are you limited to only nights and/or weekends? Do you work odd hours, or a varying schedule? Are you forced to travel frequently?
MONEY - You don't have to be wealthy, but there is a certain "break" point between financially stressed and comfortable. If there's always a few bucks available for a nice meal or some entertainment activity (bowling, golf, sports event etc.) you have the basic financial resources for a good relationship. If you can afford to take a date for fast food, at least that's something although it may not make for a great impression. If doling out a few bucks just to stay home and rent a movie is a strain, you might not be in the best position to start a romantic endeavor right now.
TRANSPORTATION - This varies by situation. Many places, especially large cities, force one to need a personal vehicle. Kinda hard to go see someone or meet them somewhere if you can't get there. Are they close enough to walk, and/or is there good public transportation where you live? Are you unashamed to say "I like you, but in order to see you you'll have to pick me up every time"? Do you have to shovel out 47 lbs of junk off the passenger seat before letting someone in? Do you use the passenger seat for an ashtray? Are you likely to get pulled over at any moment because your ol' clunker's a ticket magnet (expired stickers, major damage/polluting problems)? Is it really your Mom's car? About to get repo'ed? Just plain uuuuugly?
HOME - Is your's "the place to go"? Do you stay with family/roommates that you wouldn't want to bring someone home to? Is it clean? Do you have pets that others might be allergic to or offended by? Is there stuff to do at your home; e.g. is there a pool or gym, a TV (maybe a game system), movies... some wine in the fridge and fresh sheets on the bed?
* * *
Then there are relationship skills. I could probably list 50 pages if given long enough, and because they're opinions there's no way to make an official list.
These include things like:
Are you humble - can you acknowledge times when you do things less than perfectly, and deal with them in a mature, positive manner? Or are you concerned with your image to the point that finger-pointing has become instinct? Or do always pretend that nothing's wrong and bottle everything up inside?
Are you positive - can you work with someone so that both of you uplift and support each other? Are you prone to smiling and laughing, looking on the bright side; or is there a storm cloud over your head most of the time?
Do you have good listening skills - if they really need to talk for an extended period of time, uninterrupted, can you listen patiently? Or is your concept of conversation "they say something, so that I have a subject upon which to keep my motormouth running for as long as possible?"
Are you driven - do you wish to make things happen, and experiece life? Would someone be blessed to be your partner and co-pilot? Or are you a sedentary couch-potato type? Would your significant other be bored with you in a couple decades (or weeks) at the rate you're going? Do you have a sense of ambition and motivation? Dreams and hopes even?
Are you honest - Can you deal with speaking the truth? Do you pay mind to never take what's not yours? There's any number of ways to be devoid of honesty, from lying to stealing or even playing hurtful games.
* * *
Then there's "matching". This idea is purely personal, and subjective. It's based mostly on your personality, and what jives best with it. What you're looking for when it comes to having others match your needs won't be the same as the qualities they're looking for when it comes to matching theirs.
For example, the idea of being "open minded" has become rather cliche. Truth is, you don't have to be. Not wanting to try something new every day doesn't even begin to make you a bad person. You're allowed to have your comfort zone and personal favorites. If there's a core set of things you're dedicated to, you'll likely want to find someone with similar values. Even if you and the other person are very solid on both "personal foundations" and "relationship skills" there's still a big factor in how much you *click*.
Opposites don't always attract. This idea only works when both parties are the type to be intrigued by their "opposite". If the two of you are both unwavering in something major - such as political, religious or lifestyle beliefs - but enjoy learning about what else is out there, then there's the chance for a harmonious handshake across the fence. If EITHER of you can't stand the idea that someone would believe other than how you do on some issue, then sharpen your fork and prepare for a big bite of disaster pie.
What can the two of you DO together? Do you have similar interests or hobbies, and can you have a blast pursuing them together? After all, there is not only the factor of "can we have fun BEING together" but also of "can we have fun DOING things together."
Also, when it comes to the long-term, are y'all on the same page? Can you agree with how to decorate a house or raise kids, etc?
* * *
All thoughts and responses welcome. | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:53:25 PM | Great post OP!!
I especially seem to meet a lot of men who don't have any time for dating. They seem to think that they can get a woman to conveniently slip into the tiny empty spots on their hectic schedule. No thanks!! | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 12:00:23 AM | ^^^ indeed!
OP, this made extraordinary amounts of sense to me and definitely holds quite a lot of truth in my mind. Thanks! | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 12:40:28 AM | A healthy dose of respect for the other person as well as self wouldn't hurt and perhaps add tons and tons of patience.
IMHO ... when you stop asking yourself ''What's in it for me?'' and start asking what you can say or do to enhance the other person's life and/or happiness ... that is when you are ready for a long term, committed relationship. | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 12:45:12 AM | Alabamaslim:
Ms. Trialsize...I'll take a bit of challenge to your comment. I was dumped just this evening by a lady who said she has to check her schedule with her new job to see if she'll have time to date....then she will let me know something... that's after telling me yesterday that she is just so anxious to meet me because we are just so perfectly in line on what we are looking for. NOT!
Not sure why you feel the need to challenge my statement about meeting a lot of men who do the same thing as your lady friend. I never said it was ONLY men that do it - only that I only date men and so that's what I addressed. | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:15:55 AM | | I have the time, money, transportation, and home to date as well as the ability, but what I lack is any desire to date or any enthusiasm for it whatsoever. Too much work. | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:23:12 AM |
I was dumped just this evening by a lady who said she has to check her schedule with her new job to see if she'll have time to date....then she will let me know something... that's after telling me yesterday that she is just so anxious to meet me because we are just so perfectly in line on what we are looking for. NOT!
How can you get dumped by someone you have never even met before?? You are not a couple until you actually start dating or developing a romantic relationship. :) | |
|
nogo3
|
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 8 | |
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:48:18 AM | there seems to be an awful lots of negative post on a topic that does not have a whole lot to do with dating.
if people really want to date then they will find the time. saying they are to busy is just an excuse to not date for whatever the reason, its just easier for most people to just say that they don't have time.
 | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 6:11:10 AM | this is, perhaps, the best thread i've read.
great thoughts and insight, OP.
i agree w/all that you've said--the only thing i would add is spiritual compatibility--but this is just me; my personal conviction. otherwise, these are *very* key foundations to building a relationship; unfortunately, too many of us take them for granted...or assume that "love conquers all".
the fact is...."feelings" are not solid enough to sustain a long-term relationship. it's these practical, every day things that can make or break a healthy relationship, imo. too many of us look for the person who "makes us happy", w/o recognizing that our happiness is our personal responsibility, and that it's things like this that will either support further building together, or will later become major issues.
i especially like what you wrote about two people needing to "click"--on top of all of this--and that being "open" doesn't mean settling.
i'm often accused of having 'too high' standards, or expecting perfection. and truthfully...these *are* all factors that i take into consideration when it comes to a life-long partner. but when i think about my future, who i want to share it with...when i put it in *that* perspective...my life deserves more careful thought and wisdom than simply who gives me "the greater bang for my buck", so to speak. it hit me when i read this post; i would never have attempted to define all of this on my own--but you summed it up perfectly.
i suspect that many women (and men) instinctively look for these factors, as well. for me, it's the difference between simply having a good time for a short while (dating), or giving someone serious consideration as a person i would choose to build a long-term relationship with. a suitable partner for me lines up in all these areas; all others may be very nice men and a lot of fun to be with...but sorry to say....they won't make an ideal long-term for me. it certainly weeds out the pool...but that's ok; i only need one. (;
EDIT:
OP...i lied. there is one more thing i would add beyond spiritual compatibility, and that is whether or not i can see a man "fitting" w/my family and community. these are priorities to me. my cultural identity / lifestyle is a big part of who i am. if i can't imagine a person being comfortable w/my family or at home w/my people, it's a deal breaker. my father is no longer alive...but if a man is not someone he would approve of, that i wouldn't feel that i could take home to meet him, then he's not someone i could share my life with.
| |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 6:26:18 AM | | Excellent post OP.....The only possible thing I might add is the art of "processing" what you see and hear. Being able to listen is a good quality but processing what you are hearing takes practice. I would hope this is one thread that is not going to get a lot of controversy, but being there is not a lot to add may not be around long. Which proves the lack of controversy. Kudos!!!!!!!!!! | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 8:57:09 AM | I'm with the others--there are far too many people out there in dating land who are really "too busy" for working on a relationship. They just want the sex or companionship WHEN THEY WANT IT. If YOU assert YOUR needs, then they dump you as being needy. Those people are idiots, though, and doomed to be alone until they get that under control.
I have seen so many people finally "be ready" for a relationship, and not so oddly, THAT is when they get one. It takes too much energy and actual hard work to be half-arsed about it--it doesn't just fall in your lap. | |
|
| The Foundations
Posted: 1/22/2008 9:50:59 AM | I'll add in committed. Committed to the process. Committed to looking, to being open to others, to opening your self up to others. Committed to persevering despite multiple disappointments, hurt feelings, and frustration.
I think that committment to the process has to be part of your relationship foundation. They say marriages don't just happen, they take work. Well, any relationship takes work and work takes committment. That includes friendships, lovers, boyfriend/girlfriends, etc all the way up to life long partners.
I don't mean being "committed" to one person. I mean being committed to getting yourself out there and fixing yourself up, being friendly, following thru, avoiding hurting others...ALL that stuff.
Kaylie | |
|
|
Home
login 
