| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:25:57 PM | How many of you have found yourself hyper-vigilant in a new relationship, where you were on super-alert for Fatal Flaws in a partner?
With hindsight, I see that there were red flags waving wildly at me during my 4-year courtship with my previous husband. However, I forged blithely ahead, focussing on his strengths and hoping for the best.
When I commenced my current relationship almost a year and a half ago, I was on high alert for signs that he may not be the right partner for me, as I was determined not to repeat my previous mistakes. Naturally, this created stress in our relationship, and took lots of communication to work through. With a less understanding partner, my behaviour could have inadvertently sabatoged our relationship.
Comments on your own experience with Hyper-Vigilance, and how you have dealt with it? | |
|
zom
|
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 2 | |
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:29:22 PM | | I have learned the hard way to avoid women who show even the smallest sign of being hyper-vigilant. If they do, I run. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:30:19 PM |
Comments on your own experience with Hyper-Vigilance, and how you have dealt with it?
I haven't dealt with it. I just quit dating instead.
It was easier. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:34:07 PM |
I haven't dealt with it. I just quit dating instead.
Is not exiting the dating world a form of hyper-vigilance? The ultimate form? | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:36:16 PM | Just treat the guy like anyone else you respect, and expect the same in return.
Don't tolerate from a date anything you wouldn't think is right for your best friend to do.
I've hyper-vigilled myself and it is NO FUN.
I missed out on the simple pleasure of letting each moment surprise me, instead of waiting for the 'other shoe' to fall.
People have flaws. I'm sure you do too, so why spend so much energy with your radar full-tilt, waiting on edge for him to reveal some nasty thing that you will regard as a deal-breaker?
Maybe the guy's doing the same thing. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:37:03 PM | I know exactly what you're talking about. With me, I've adopted the same policy towards women that Ronald Reagan had with the Soviets - "Trust BUT VERIFY!" 
Mark
 | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:42:29 PM | RE: First post.
"Hyper-vigilance", as you call it, is something I find to be very smart. I do the same thing, almost. I just ASSUME the woman is going to screw me over somehow, I dont look for it. When I first adopted this attitude it often hurt relationships and made them unworkable. No one likes to know you think they're going to screw them over no matter what. So I decided I'd just keep it to myself. Id still have the same attitude but I wouldnt let on that I did. I think this could work for you too hun. Be hypervigilant but dont let it show. Everything should work out fine then. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:45:09 PM |
Is not exiting the dating world a form of hyper-vigilance? The ultimate form?
I suppose it is indeed. I don't make any apologies for it though. At least I don't drive myself crazy OR waste anyone else's time. I know what I don't want and I DON'T want what I don't want so much that it has effectively canceled out my ability to identify what I do.
Pathetic? Perhaps. But it's my reality to deal with and I'm not hurting anyone. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:45:16 PM | | I don't know about hyper-vigilance but I definitely get less trusting with each person I date. It's probably not fair to the guy, but I get dumped on in some way or another each time I go out and it really does make one wary of the next time. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:46:37 PM | | I just try to date smarter by listening to my gut feelings. There have been times where I thought that I was being "hyper-vigilant", but it turns out I wasn't. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:48:23 PM |
I just ASSUME the woman is going to screw me over somehow, I dont look for it.
Does this not smack of self-fulfilling prophecy? You expect someone to screw you over, so you inadvertently do things that screw things up?
I know I was guilty of this early in my relationship, at least to some degree. It wasn't working for me either, so I managed to figure out a more constructive way to operate, slowly, over time. To be honest, it's a work in progress for me. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:49:43 PM |
I haven't dealt with it. I just quit dating instead.
It was easier.
I'm with Herding... the hyper-vigilance isn't the only reason for me either.
The hyper-scrutiny by her friends and family, the hyper-brain-picking, the expected hyper-attention that she will likely demand and those other types of hyperness.
 | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:52:58 PM | If there are fatal flaws, they usually present themselves before I've become involved.
Not always....but most often. And let me clarify, I'm not referring necessarily to flaws in the person (geez, I have MY share, too) but flaws that would prevent a relationship from working out between us. I've dated a lot of wonderful men, they still are, just weren't the right men for me. Just because I wasn't compatible doesn't make them horrible individuals.
Hyper vigilance is too draining and stressful. I prefer a much more relaxed mindset, it is about getting to know the person and people aren't really their natural selves when they're in stressful situations. One thing I do notice (but I do with everyone, not just men I'm dating) is words and actions. Do they match up, that's the benchmark of sincerity and genuineness. Well at least to me and it's always worked well for me.  | |
|
zom
|
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 14 | |
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:53:45 PM | Fear owns the lot of you. Fear is behind you pumping away and you love every plunging thrust. Makes you feel alive.
I feel a yawn coming on. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:59:09 PM |
Fear owns the lot of you.
Yes, fear runs rampant with the post-divorce population. Fear certainly exists within me. When one has had one's finger burnt on the stove, one becomes a tad hesitant in reaching for the burner.
But fear can be paralyzing. It is impossible to develop a healthy, happy relationship when one's actions are dictated by fear.
I have yet to find a clear, straight path out of Fear, but I'm working on it. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:01:37 PM | You have to treat each person/relationship on its own. There is no doubt that past experiences will hopefully educate you on things that could be treated differently - to which I take mental note and utilize them accordingly.
However, I don't "disect" the relationship looking for flaws- that's sabotaging a relationship and not allowing it to flourish on its own. Believe you me, if there are flaws whether small or a deal breaker they should be pretty evident pronto. That is when you discuss them with your partner or walk away if there is no resolution in the matter.
P.S. No, I can't say I have been in this type of "mode"/relationship. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:04:24 PM | | gardennut: People say that to me all the time and I cant fathom it. Perhaps some people are weak (not pointing any fingers ok?) and they cant control themselves but this attitude of mine is completely self-contained and has never prevented me from caring deeply for a woman or vice versa, since they dont even know I feel this way. Please dont come back telling me Im wrong. Because Im not. I know my experiences and my own mind. In short, I know myself better than you. As for other people, it could be just as you say, but not I. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:04:37 PM | I used to be hyper-vigilant… til one day it occurred to me that I am a total screw-up and invariably make poor choices in life that I can only ever identify with hindsight. That I was probably doomed to always make wrong choices and there really wasn’t very much that I or anyone could do about it.
So I decided, given I was doomed anyway, I might just as well lighten up, kick back and have some fun and enjoy getting to know the person in front of me.
Dayum, but if that wasn’t the answer. Who would a thunk that surrendering to my insanity would provide a clearing? | |
|
zom
|
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| |
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:13:28 PM | Have you considered you're simply being hyper-unrealistic? Girls invariably pick the wrong kind of guy at some point.
I relate the process to choosing a car.... You know the Japanese economy car is going to give you much better gas milage than the flashy sports car. Yet you still want the flashy car, even though you know its reliability ratings suck, it guzzles gas, and the resale is horrible. It looks good and you look good driving it. So you pick it, it lives up to its reputation as a horrible car, and you... blame the car...?
Being hyper-selective is simply being hyper-stupid. You aren't going to find the perfect car. It doesn't exist. There are no cars that have lots of power and great gas milage too. You can have one or the other, you can't have both. There are always tradeoffs. Even that economy car can feel a little cramped in the back seat. You have to simply choose based on what is most important to you and accept it.
Or you can be the ultimate in hyper-vigilance and walk the rest of you life. The same with a mate. Yeah, pick the guy with six pack abs and all he talks about is sports. He spends all his time in the gym instead of a library... don't blame the guy for it. You picked him knowing it. His priorities are looking buff, not debating quantum mechanics.
If you're shooting down guys left and right because all you can see are red flags, do us all a favor and wear a fake wedding ring. Pretend you're married and stay out of the dating pool. Until you can make up your mind about what you really want, you're just wasting everyones' time. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:15:06 PM |
Dayum, but if that wasn’t the answer. Who would a thunk that surrendering to my insanity would provide a clearing?
 Beautifully put, Margo!
That reminds me of something I said to my partner in the early months of our relationship regarding the leap of faith required to progress in a relationship: "How about we count to 3 together and jump at the same time?"
In a sense, trusting someone in a relationship does involve a touch of insanity, doesn't it? One can never know for certain that someone is trustworthy; that they will remain faithful; that they will remain good to us; that they will simply remain.
That leap of faith requires a touch of insanity, but without it, how could we commit to someone? | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:15:34 PM | Fear is nothing to be afraid of. Really, it's something that you can make work for you if you know how.
The key is fearing the things you should, and that in itself cuts the list way down.
People take care of their health because they're afraid of getting sick.
People drive carefully because they don't want to have an accident.
I know, maybe lame examples but all I can think of.
It's wise to be afraid of things that can cause harm, it's not wise to be afraid of things that you really desire and could be something that would bring happiness. Often fears like that are premature, things are going well and you fear what may happen, not what has happened.
That type of fear can make someone paranoid and afraid of living.
Be afraid only of what you need to be. Irrational fear can shut you off from ever having what you want. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:15:43 PM |
But fear can be paralyzing. It is impossible to develop a healthy, happy relationship when one's actions are dictated by fear.
I'm not fearful at all.
My problem is apathy. I just don't care enough to bother with it all. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:17:33 PM | firstly, I'd like to congratulate gardennut on identifying her own limiting beliefs and then discussing it openly. As someone said, this is a REAL problem with the post-divorce population. AWARENESS is the first step to being in control of your feelings (esp negative ones) so that they are not in control of you - causing to you pass up opportunities for a higher level of happiness.
<div class="quote">I have learned the hard way to avoid women who show even the smallest sign of being hyper-vigilant. If they do, I run.
You crack me up dude!
<div class="quote">Pathetic? Perhaps. But it's my reality to deal with and I'm not hurting anyone.
 come on in honey, the water is fine.
<div class="quote">I have yet to find a clear, straight path out of Fear, but I'm working on it.
"pure love casts aside all fear"
You don't have to be on the receiving end either. | |
|
| hyper-vigilance in new relationships
Posted: 1/22/2008 5:23:08 PM | | I wouldn't classify myself as hyper-vigilant; however, I do keep an eye out for how much booze is consumed, if he does drugs or if he has violent tendencies. I'm not afraid of getting emotionally hurt - been there a few times, survived it and can do so again. Once you've been out in the rain, why are you afraid of getting wet? | |
|
Home
login 
