| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 1:18:30 AM | Sounds a little odd...I've also done a thread search and wasn't able to find anything comparable, so here goes.
Do you find that because of experiences with fellow Inet Daters/Fishies you are more suspicious than you would normally be? Maybe jaded from all the posts on the forums as well?
I'm seeing someone now that I met on another site...we've spent plenty of time together and I have his address, home phone, he's been to my home and we've met friends and family...I'm not suspicious of him being married or involved with someone else. I do find myself almost 'analyzing' some of the things that go on...last night I actually sat and laughed because I felt like I was trying to make something out of nothing and realized how suspicious I'd become.
Is this a product of always meeting strangers and becoming so involved before you actually meet them face to face...a product of what we read and experience with our fellow campers? Or am I just getting weird in my middleish age? | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 1:32:16 AM | | This is a hard one to answer, I can see us being suspicious because we all know that people pretend on the internet. I just love the ones with different pics, totall different from their profile, state they are single but married etc. If you have done what you have stated in your post then you have checked him out so just enjoy that fact that you dont have to keep looking. Give him a break and stop being suspicious thats only suppose to be happening when you first start to date someone. Sounds like you have been dating this one for awhile. Good luck. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 1:37:40 AM | Thanks sheilarodri...you're right...been seeing each other from Nov and chatted for almost 2 months before. That's why I'm so shocked at myself for being suspicious...and as I said, I actually laughed at myself cause there was nothing to really be suspicious of...I just find myself expecting something to happen! Just made me wonder if everyone had felt the same at any point.
I am relaxing now that I see what I've been doing...now I'm enjoying it for what it is and taming my unconscious suspicions!! | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 2:19:12 AM | | No. The same people (male or female) who would lie to you prior to the internet coming along will lie to you now. Name any bad dating experience that happened prior and it still could now, so I don't blame the internet. The internet is just a tool. Might make the things coming at you happen faster (identity theft for example) but it leaves a trail a mile wide that can be backtracked just as fast. Stuff like that is an old game. Whatever will be will be. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 2:23:49 AM | | I agree Nest Time Round...it happens in the real world or in here. I'm just pondering the fact that it does happen faster and more often...does that jade us in any way? I'm not a suspicious person by nature, but found myself being suspicious about basically nothing...it's definitely not how I was 2 or 3 years ago...just food for thought... | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 3:49:09 AM | Honestly OP...
I think a huge amount of it has to do with how well your instincts are honed & how you approach it.
If you dont spend 5 mins trading emails or chatting before you meet...you're not gonna leave yourself completely open to the less than desirables.
Its also a matter of history...some people have quite traumatic pasts & thats bound to influence them to some degree.
I am relaxing now that I see what I've been doing
Thats admirable that you were able to identify & resolve something minor before it became a huge issue.
Always puts relationships on a great foundation to start. Good luck. | |
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yabba
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Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 7 | |
| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:12:26 AM | Well of course it changes and affects our perspective..... any new activity is going to bring about a change in things.... bad boys and girls changed to take advantage of the ease of cotact thru the internet..... so why wouldn't good boys and girls adapt as well..... be suspicious.... or better yet be inquisitive.... don't fall immediately... if your looking for something long term.... if your not then fillyour boots....
and it does happen to guys as well..... recently chatted with a girl..... who of course said many things...we met...... I didn't have chemistry and ddint take any further yet continued to chat.....3 - 4 days later she confessed she had a on / off boy friend....lol... it was so funny when she confessed... kinda a long the lines of saying..... "well it doesnt matter now if you know it but I do have a lover"
Kinda like Brain Mulrooney saying now that he took money from that german dude....lol...
So yea the answer to your question is that Im sure most people have adjusted thier radar to reflect the changes in how we meet... if not.... they may end up with many bad expereinces
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:20:09 AM | I met an felon who was wanted in another state and a cheater, but I have also met some great guys. It has made me smarter, I just hope not jaded. I could have met those same men in "real" life. I think the internet made it easier for them to network. Luckily, I had no money or sex involved with either man. I think it is our passage of time in general that has made us quicker to adjust our radar. Think back to age 16 and how you viewed the opposite sex. A lot more innocently than now...........so many life experiences, other people's stories have shaped how we look at the world. I think we can all agree--there are still some pretty great people out there. After all, OP, you found one! Hope it continues to go well. Meanwhile, I will just throw my bait back into this pond called life.  | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:22:34 AM | last night I actually sat and laughed because I felt like I was trying to make something out of nothing and realized how suspicious I'd become.
^^ Don't worry, happens to a lot of people on here - at least you have the ability to laugh at non-existent paranoia.
Am sure most of us on these threads read other postings ... titles like "He said 'hello' to me! Does that mean he wants to only use me for sex then dump me for my best friend who he hasn't met yet!?" or "She asked what I do for a living! Does that mean she only wants me for my money!?"
Trust your instinct, just flow with it.
I'll admit I'm more suspicious and cautious when I initially begin corresponding with women on here (bad past experiences with actual dating and a seeming parade of dishonesty from others) - yet you get a feel for who they are eventually ... and actions (or lack of them) speak so much louder than all the words they can conjure.
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:24:17 AM | I think that the odds increase with the internet because it offers more ways for them to sneak around and lie. It is easier to keep communications up with someone if you're married and hide it when it's all password protected. People will lie no matter how you meet them though, I've met plenty of married men that asked me out just through interacting in a public place.
I am not happy about how suspicious I've become though. I'm trying to start a relationship with someone right now and it started with him only contacting me while he's at work. He never seems to log into websites from home even though I know he has internet access and a computer because he plays WoW at night. He said that his cell phone was broken currently and that's why he doesn't call me at home or on his days off... it could be very true but it sure does raise suspicion. He lives an hour away from me so it would be long distance to call me from a land line. He canceled on our date for Saturday last weekend because he was sick, but when we talked on the phone he definitely didn't sound well and now he says he's on antibiotics for Strep. I really want to believe him, but at the same time he is presenting as a married man. :) | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 4:28:32 AM | 21st century weirdness? Naaaawwwww.
Here in the advanced information age where every bad story gets plastered all over everywhere and gets updated by the minute we are aware of so much more that is happening not only across the street but across the state, the nation and around the world. News stories we may have only read about in a collection compiled for a book a couple of decades ago are now available to us wired middle-agers and everyone else nationwide and beyond within hours or less.
I think it is better as it informs us about what might be. Gives us things to look out for so we are less likely to become victims. Otherwise the bad guys and gals would have an easier time as in the old days of playing their dirty games in one location then move to a new one and start all over where the people are completely unaware of the games being played.
Although the overall statistics are rather low of many nefarious incidents it can lead us to paranoia if we dwell on it too much. The constant repeating of a news story sensation can enable and feed such paranoia and that is the downside of having so much information. Instead we should train ourselves to note the story, the circumstances, the possible signs and file it all away as part of our overall checklist of what to be aware of and watch out for.
We should be very aware of the time compression enabled by the internet. Because there is so much information so readily available and communication via email, IM and even voice over the internet we get a sensation that we are learning about things or another person at an accelerated pace. We must realize however that many things we cannot learn about another animal or person without direct, up close observation and interaction in a variety of scenarios. That up close observation requires time spent in "real" time vs. the accelerated time of the internet.
I've learned that we can only learn so much about a person through profiles, email, IM and telephone conversations. All those are useful tools. When we first meet the other person in the flesh however we are again meeting them... for the first time. "Trust but verify" is apt here. And it is only over time spent and experienced together that we have the opportunity to learn who the actual person is. I've noticed several on here say that once they meet or telephone, etc. they no longer want to email or IM or use those other tools. I think that could be a mistake not to utilize all we have to continue getting to know another person.
OP I think we are more suspicious than we might have been had we met the person off line first. That suspicion can be turned to being cautious and safe or allowed to become sheer paranoia. It is up to us and how we use the tools and information we have available to us. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 5:15:44 AM | First, if you have only been dating for 2 months and have already met family and friends of each other, that is a very good sign that he is serious about you.
Now for the suspicious thoughts, I think it's natural as you feel yourself falling into that abyss where you become more and more attached and vulnerable to this other person, you will start feeling a need to protect yourself. That can take many forms but one is to analyze it to death and also question every little thing looking for anything that says you will possibly get hurt.
If this is someone you love and who is being good to you --- STOP IT. You can't watch them closely enough to stop someone from lying to you or cheating on you ---- you just have to be strong enough to deal with it when revealed and make good choices then. Try to believe and go with a natural flow of the relationship. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 6:12:10 AM | | Thanks for all of the responses...I'm not overly concerned about the lad I'm seeing as much as just curious how other attitudes have changed and such...funny how you change with things and sometimes you just don't notice it!! | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 6:18:17 AM | | During process of getting the first meeting of a person I've met via the internet I'm suspicious. After the first meeting, it becomes "business as usual". But to put it into context, I'm never very comfort with unknowns or processes that I don't have a lot of experience with, internet dating fully qualifies in both categories | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 6:29:44 AM | I'm not overly concerned about the lad I'm seeing as much as just curious how other attitudes have changed and such...
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My out look has changed after reading the forums. Some of the bitterness, and hate spewing out, really sets me back sometimes. I use to ask what men did, re: work, because I work so much and that's a big part of my life, and it's something I'm always interested in, BUT that makes me a gold digger. I don't ask how much money do you make, just what the job is. I've learned all these new rules, but I just see them as games. So yes, my attitude has changed, even though I haven't. Good luck to you!  | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 7:17:41 AM | It's difficult, too, when one is on the receiving end of this:
.... I was trying to make something out of nothing and realized how suspicious I'd become.
That's neat you realized it, OP, and kept it in check.. with laughter and a "carry on and relax" attitude too!
I think that with Internet meeting/dating one needs to be very cautious and very wise,
but very suspicious can oftentimes lead to seeing monsters under the bed when there really are none.
There are players and nuts and liars and so on and so on... all around us daily. The internet just allows us to actually meet and/or read about more of them than pre-internet.
That's why wisdom and caution is good.
Suspicion, (as your first choice and/or in excess), can eat at your insides... not good.
You begin to "see something wrong" when there very well may be nothing to see. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 7:25:47 AM |
Sounds a little odd...I've also done a thread search and wasn't able to find anything comparable, so here goes.
Do you find that because of experiences with fellow Inet Daters/Fishies you are more suspicious than you would normally be? Maybe jaded from all the posts on the forums as well?
I'm seeing someone now that I met on another site...we've spent plenty of time together and I have his address, home phone, he's been to my home and we've met friends and family...I'm not suspicious of him being married or involved with someone else. I do find myself almost 'analyzing' some of the things that go on...last night I actually sat and laughed because I felt like I was trying to make something out of nothing and realized how suspicious I'd become.
Is this a product of always meeting strangers and becoming so involved before you actually meet them face to face...a product of what we read and experience with our fellow campers? Or am I just getting weird in my middleish age?
I'm not sure what the meaning of your post was/is....
You have his home number,address and meet someo fo his friends and family...and this tells you what?
He could very well be involved w/ someone else that his friends and family know nothing about....
Or he could be deeply disturbed...and that fact could be concealed (although not very easily) from those close to him.
I've never understood the thought processes that consider meeting family and friends a sign that the person is "OK"...
Or that this will give anybody insight into anything other than that person's relationship w/ those particular individuals.
And his home number and address?
Umm...so he can't have several addresses?
Or meet somebody away from home?
Just wondering. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 7:38:22 AM | No worries cocytus...just hear so much about people being suspicious and paranoid...I find myself in a position with a nice man who has hidden nothing and I'm seeming to look for something to be wrong--because it seems like there always is.
As I said I have no reason to be suspicious, but I was and I was just wondering if it's me getting on in years or if it's just something in general!! | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 7:39:32 AM | | I did become overly suspicious because of offline dating: Suspicious that women were interested in me solely on account of my looks and my physique and were not really interested in my brain. Online dating is more "intellectual", because it allows me to exchange thoughts and establish the existence of some sort of intellectual connection and fit before we meet. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:47:47 AM | | OP, it could be the old “seems to good to be true” fear that most people have once in awhile. Everything is going great , the person seems great , must be something wrong with them and you just haven't found it yet . If your gut is telling you something very strong sometimes it is wise to listen but don’t let fear create something that isn’t there as that can drive a good one away. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:20:55 AM | When I first got on this site, I was eager to meet people,,,but after five dates, I have become REALLY cautious.
One guy I met was married, guess his finger must have slipped and accidentally checked the SINGLE box. His wife called my cell phone and asked if he was there! I said "Describe him",,,LOL, and I sent him on his way.
Another guy I met at a club, and after several drinks his girlfriend, a barmaid showed up for work. He just took me there to make her jealous.
Now what freaks me out is after you IM someone for about five minutes they want to meet, or get your number, or they start throwing sexual innuendos around.
I'd still rather meet someone elsewhere than the Internet,,,but am tired of the club scene. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:31:22 AM | Good and bad experiences happen to you whatever you do, that is called living life. What matters is what you do with those experiences.
If you hold on to them, crunch them, twist them, manipulate them into a hardcore belief that starts with I will Never or I will Always... then you are on the path of a black and white world filled with anger, absolutes and of course what you see a lot on here jaded behavior.
If you learn from them, understand them, see them for what they are in that context in that time and who you were at that moment and let it go, then it becomes a valuable learning experience that helps you gain wisdom in this world of many shades of gray.
Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. That is just life. I would rather live life and experience the good and bad than sit on the sidelines being the jaded cynic in a world of black and white I am right and everyone else is bad and wrong.
Just my 2 cents. | |
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| Overly Suspicious Because of Inet Dating Experiences?
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:34:50 AM | You know jestrada I feel the same...I often post to people they need to have a good sense of humor to be on here and to never take it too seriously...I was quite surprised to see I'd become so suspicious and really glad I did...as someone said it's easy to not recognize something like that and just have it fester.
I'm cautious by nature, but never suspicious...hey, it's all good fun!! | |
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