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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Loving hard, but not getting that love back?      Home login  
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 KingTrue
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 1
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
A lot of times we truly believe that we can change people. Regardless of how much of our own dignity we give up, the person will not change unless they want to change. We always want the best for ourselves,but we never put ourselves in the best position for that success in relationships.

I want to know what were your experiences from loving someone, who didnt love you back the way you feel that should have.
 mizzi1000
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 2
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 9:52:43 AM
I have never loved so i can't speak from experience but i guess it is too much pointless energy that will only emotionally scar you in the long term.
 Blueskies123
Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 3
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 9:55:52 AM
I left him and moved on.

And this is too short apparently.....
 jupitorsmoon
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 4
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 9:59:38 AM
I think the main problem here is the belief that someone "should" love you in a certain way. I think the worst thing people do is make expectations for the one they're with. Iw ill admit I have made this mistake many times in the past. I've wanted the person I loved to "change" the way they treated me. I wanted to be their everything, like they were to me. But I had to realize, they were too independent for that, they needed their space. In these situations, you can try to adapt or move on.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 5
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 10:11:44 AM
People love the best they know how. It may not be the love you need. If they don't love you as you need or love you at all.............exit the relationship.
 Aurora772
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 6
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 10:23:12 AM
OP, my experience is the person is awfully difficult to remove from your system. It's not your pride that you let go of, it's the dreams and hopes wrapped around so many tiny things, moments and objects like chrysali doomed never to turn into butterflies. So in the long run, you move on because you must, but you're left with memories like shards of stained glass. They have draped their dress over a corner of your heart which you can never reclaim.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 7
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 10:28:44 AM
You just have to learn to put in in a safe place in your heart and not retreive the memory until it is a pleasant one and does not hurt so much.
 vro312
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 8
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 10:35:05 AM
No one will ever love you the way they "should." I think this is why so many people are so miserable in their relationships--romantic, familial, and platonic. We put "shoulds" onto other people then get all upset when our expectations aren't met.

People will let you down, not because they are selfish and bad, but because they are human. They will think about themselves (which is reasonable) and do what is best for them most of the time, even if it doesn't look like that's what they're doing. Sometimes they will just make poor decisions and choices. In order to love genuinely, I think we have to allow for that. There's that expression, "You're born alone and you die alone." It would be helpful to remember that on a daily basis. We are our own responsibility. We might love someone and share with them for a while, but ultimately, our survival and our happiness is on us.

So, to answer your question, yes, I have loved many people who did not love me back the way I thought they should have. And I have been loved and been incapable of returning the love the way someone else thought I should. In some ways, I think it hurt more to be the one who wasn't loving enough. The other way, you get to play the victim. But when it's you who isn't loving the way you "should," it leaves you feeling baffled and helpless.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 9
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Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 10:39:45 AM
I just respect myself too much. If it ain't comin' my way when I'm meeting them halfway, then it just doesn't interest me.

The rule is, when you are doing more for them, than with them...time to move along. nothing there to see.
 KingTrue
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 10
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 10:58:15 AM
Great replies people...
 Ignoble
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 11
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Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:09:08 AM
RE: First post.

That describes pretty much every woman I've ever cared about. ^_^ Cheery thought huh?
 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 12
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:36:33 AM
People can only show you love in the ways you are willing to accept love. Sometimes accepting love can be far more difficult than loving. Sometimes the ways of loving that make a person feel truly loved are ways that they cannot yet accept and so they find themselves with people who love them in ways that do not match the love they give or the love that would help them thrive.
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 13
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:38:47 AM
You can't get blood from a stone. I asked for what I needed; when I still wasn't getting it, I moved on. I made sure (in the nicest way I could) that he understood why. Good luck to him in finding a woman who can live without a single sign of affection from him. Or maybe it was just me he wasn't into.
 mz taken
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 14
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Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:52:00 AM
it's really a matter of perception and highly subjective, imo.
what we want, expect, need from a romantic relationship can cause many unwanted and totally unseen trials that tax the holy crap out of us! often, our emotions take over and common sense flies out the window and we are left wondering all the "whys? , when things don't seem to line up the way we'd like. I'm sure that everyone at one time or another has experienced this. it hurts like a mother effer when we feel that our partner isn't returning the intensity of "love" that we might feel for them.
even though some may proclaim to be "baggage free", it's our history that leaves some scarring and might taint our view of what "love" should be. we can learn from our history and move on, but we can't control how others learn life's lessons--what they bring to the table.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 15
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 12:26:11 PM
Pretty much EVERY time I have loved a man he hasn't loved me back, that's why I'm single. I dump them if they can't commit/love/satisfy me. I'm sure it's MY problem, not theirs.
 Enchantedmoment
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 16
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Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 4:07:07 PM
You could have financial certainty, tremendous health and a fulfilling relationship, but if you expend emotions such as worry, guilt, anger or frustration to reach your goals, it may all be for not. Our emotions determine the quality of our life.

Our actions are triggered by our feelings and what we feel becomes the filter for the meanings of other things in our life. When you are really in love, you will notice how everything looks better. Have you ever noticed that when you are in love, you treat people differently? That’s because love is such a powerful emotion, it filters so many different elements in your life.

Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience and create a meaning that either dis-empowers them or one that can literally save their lives. Each of us has a unique way of relating to the world around us. Our reactions are driven by our emotions, and that in turn drives how successful we can be in every area of our lives. Do you react with fear, shut down, and stop trying? Or do you react with love and acceptance, opening yourself to all of the incredible opportunities awaiting you, and embracing the exciting challenges ahead?

If you answered positively to the latter, then it may very well be that you have released the past, rebuilt your present, and are ready to move on to the future.

Yours in the Dance,
 MotherOfEight
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 17
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Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 4:12:20 PM
This thread rubbed salt on some major open wounds. Damn.

</3
 *Rain*
Joined: 11/29/2006
Msg: 18
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/27/2008 4:14:46 PM
I loved someone and he liked me I guess... but not love. Anyway I was glad that I realized that the relationship would never be anything that I hoped it would be. We weren't really together in a relationship, but we saw one another sometimes. .. a long distance thing... he said he would never be in love and didn't want to be in love. So we agreed to be friends and slowly we lost contact with each other. That was my last shot at opening myself up to someone. I can't do it anymore. I just come every now and then for the forums.
 fergy22225
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 19
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Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:35:13 PM
i just got over that situation m self it tought me a lot of my self wich i am glad i have learnd. best best bet to do just say screw it give a cold shoulder and stop looking for love it will find you sonner or later
 coffeenette
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 20
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:44:47 PM
I did move on, eventually. You can only go as far as it gets. Not further. Further on you're only falling down, and fast.. ;)

I think it's pretty precious to realize the way you CAN and WANT to love. And realize what love you need back. Let it make you grow. Even if it leaves you scarred, it does make you stronger, and well, if you can use the knowledge well, it will only make the next loving better, easier, fuller, more satisfying, etc..
 nigelwright
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 21
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 3:36:26 PM
If your having to change a man then yo uare with the wrong man !

Move on and dont be so controlling !
 quovadimus
Joined: 2/26/2005
Msg: 22
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 3:49:12 PM
I'll tell ya what man, it took me years to realize that very thing, but its a good feeling to really be aware of and know that its there, for me anyways, it helps keep me in check. You wanted past experiences, so Ill talk a bit about it. I met this woman 4 years ago, and we hit it off fast, probably too fast, but it was really good for a while, like it usually is, and I know that it sounds cliched, but all of a sudden something just changed, and I didnt do anything differently (It took me years to realize that it wasnt my fault, it was her completely, and thats something I couldnt have changed) and all of a sudden one day it was all gone. I loved her with all my heart, and I loved her daughter as well, we had talked about future plans together, and so on. All that good stuff, and she never gave me a reason, not a single reason, and I gave her chances too we tried a few other times here and there, but she kept going to the guy that she met "right" after me (uh huh), I racked my brain forever trying to think what I could have done differently, and writing long winded "declaration of love" letters to her, which she always thanked me for. Not quite what I was looking for as an outcome of reading my prose.

Looking back on it constantly and painfully over the years I finally stumbled across the realization that you wrote about. I wanted to know what the deal with all of it was, so I decided to, instead of trying to forget about it all, I analyized it completely and looked at it all as unbiased as I could (I still sided with me) and what happened was I saw what a bad person she was, and how she wasnt gonna change one bit, even though I had changed so much in an attempt to win her heart, I considered going to church (Not my thing, no problems if its yours) with her, we had a cat (Im allergic), I tried an onion for her, I HATE ONIONS!!!

I kept looking back and saw a pattern in my disasterous dating life, and I decided to correct it, did alot of thinking on all the past traps and such that I used to fall into, and the most common theme was me changing, while they remained unchanged, or more to the point, unable to change.

As for the way that I feel I should have been loved back, I spent years thinking about this, years, Im not kidding, and I wanted to be true so bad, and then I realized simply that she didnt have that feeling of love for me, and Im glad she didnt, cause knowing what that love does feel like, and being unable to say good bye for it for so long, I couldnt fathom to think about, let alone consider leaving someone I truely loved, and how much of a better person I am for having gone through the pain of it all.


PS I also decided to write a book about every disaster in my dating life. Currently, a work in progress.
 tanzanite99901
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 23
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 3:52:13 PM
Herra has partially the right idea, just not the right.....well....rhetoric.

If you have to change someone to make them into the perfect person for you, then they are not the right person for you. You should love a person for the good, and the bad. If you have to give up your dignity, family, job, self esteem, or anything else that makes you, you....then RUN!!!!! Run as far as you can away from that person. They will only harm you. When someone truely loves you/you love someone, they will accept that you are not perfect, as will you. You'l accept the flaws and those will outweigh the good. Actually, my mother told me something that really stuck. If you are with someone you love, and you can't stand them 80% of the time, it's okay! You're two humans trying to co-exist. But, if you can't stand them 50% of the time, then you shouldn't be in that relationship. Have more self worth for yourselves people. Know you are a good person who has yet to find the right one. THat's all. Let these bad relationships (bumps in the road) help make you a better person and know what you deserve and realistically expect. Good hunting.
 galonthemt
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 24
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 4:12:15 PM
Everyone is capable of love in varying degrees. Just because she didnt love you in the way you wanted her to , doesnt mean she didnt love you with all she had.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 25
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Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 4:21:38 PM

That describes pretty much every woman I've ever cared about

Yeah, that bout sums it up for me as well. I was recently in a relationship where I seemed to be the one doing all the loving and so I had to speak up and tell her what I was feeling and since then we've had to go BACK to the friends stage (her request) and try to move a little slower now.
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