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 HerMajestyUK
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 1
Self Esteem and Shallow MenPage 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
I've battled with my weight ever since falling pregnant with my first child. When I got married I was 10 1/2 stone and at 5'9 I was happy at that. Within a year and a half after getting toxemia during my pregnancy (pre-eclampsia) I went up to 23 stone in the last 3 months of my pregnancy... size 30 in clothing!! I'm not kidding when I say if I'd have owned a gun, I'd have used it on myself!

Over the years I've tried every diet in the book and battled constantly. I've now lost just over 10 stone. That's pretty much a whole person.

I was chatting to someone on here for a few weeks, just friendly chat etc. Seemed a nice enough guy, pretty local, and if nothing more certainly similar interests to be friends. He joined up to my facebook recently where I've got a lot more pics of me... not all the glamour shots, but just real life pictures. Some of which included some last year when I'd gained some weight after giving up smoking. Although I went on a diet after this and lost 2 1/2 stone in 10 weeks.

He's now said that by seeing the pics he's not so impressed and hoped I was different now. Went on to say how he thought I was thinner.. god now I'm feeling like a beach whale! I just watched the screen absolutely gobsmacked at the insensitive things I was reading. Honesty is one thing, but here I was being judged by not even being met, by pictures he hadn't even asked how recent they were.

What makes me laugh is he liked my msn picture. One that was taken back in August last year when I was 2 1/2 stone HEAVIER!!!

Well his words cut deep.. and they've worked.. Just gone through my first day without any food, going back on my 500 calorie diet of shakes/soups with no food intake so hopefully in a few months when my hip bones are coming out of my skin, I'll actually be seen as being attractive! I wish I was a glamour model with a perfect personality but hey if I was, I doubt if I'd be sat on a dating site.

Every time I've looked in the mirror today I've heard his words. In all the time I've been losing weight I've never felt as s*** about myself as I do today. Makes me feel that all that effort to get rid of the weight was pointless.

I'll be sure to keep you all updated of my weight loss... cos one thing I do know... when I'm down to the 'perfect' figure in the eyes of men like him, I'll be looking great.. and him.. well he'll still be a shallow insensitive tw**!
 willow
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 2
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 12:51:36 PM
Well I have just looked at your pics on your profile and have to say there are some women who would love to have the figure you have ...And to loose ten stone is a major achievement in anyones books, well done..

As for that guy, well what can I say without getting myself a ban..Pig...

I wouldnt starve myself for anyone, and neither should you..And I can honestly say the Whippet look isnt as attractive as a woman with some meat on her bones, and most men will agree with that..
 HerMajestyUK
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 3
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 12:56:03 PM
Thanks,

I want to make it clear now this isn't a thread about 'pity' as one person has voted. I've battled with this for far too long to be looking for the sympathy vote. I guess I just couldn't believe how shallow some people could be.

I've always judged a person mainly on their personality, and yes looks are important as you have to have that chemistry with someone and feel 'attracted' to them, but surely if you're interested in someone enough to start chatting with them, and like 'some' of that persons pics, wouldn't you at least meet up to see that person in real life.

I'd just be interested in hearing some mens views on this..... was this an 'alien' male view or does it echo many? Be interesting what Mars taught you lot while we were on Venus!!
 *~*Posh*~*
Joined: 6/21/2005
Msg: 4
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:00:25 PM
Op the guy is a total utter pig, just ignore him and use the age old saying " At least I can lose more weight", your personality will always be sh1te....

Well done you, you do not need to lose anymore ..




Oh by the way can you send me the diet, pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeee............
 autumn*
Joined: 10/4/2007
Msg: 5
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:03:44 PM
you are a star, there are so many nice ways to deal with a situation like this. I sent a guy a phone piccy and he sort of commented wow, but we never contacted each other again, I can handle that, nice, you look absolutely lovely and the thing with this site is, there maybe someone there for you, its a long shot, its all about, lose the losers and do what you want and what you are comfortable with
 2mass
Joined: 4/26/2007
Msg: 6
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:05:00 PM
Well heres my view, i know ur sayin this aint a self pity thread n ur ded right it sounds like a men bashing thread but women r just as shallow as men believe me. A male insulted ur looks, ok that wasnt right but women do exactly the same thing 2 men all the time.
If anything u should look on the positive side, this dude that insulted ya has given u the inspriration 2 better urself so ur turning a negative in2 a positive so c that he did u a favour.
U hit rock bottom n ur comin back n lookin n feelin good, my final thorts on this subject r men arent shallow, people r shallow!!
 ~Leannie~
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 7
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:10:51 PM

If anything u should look on the positive side, this dude that insulted ya has given u the inspriration 2 better urself so ur turning a negative in2 a positive so c that he did u a favour.


i was going to say the same but i would change the ending slightly..

if anything you shoud look on the positive side...he's shown you what his preferences are early on...now you know, you can move on without wasting anymore time on what would be a complete mismatch..

what he prefers isn't definitive of what 'all' men prefer, so don't change for him, change for yourself xx
 HerMajestyUK
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 8
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:11:32 PM
It's certainly not meant as a men bashing thread. I've met a few from this site, and met some lovely people from it... especially at the karaoke meet recently, which was a great laugh and was great to meet people in real life.

I guess the question I'm asking is at what point is someone 'perfect' ... i.e. how much more weight do I have to lose to avoid comments like that? I totally understand not everyone is gonna find me their 'cup of tea' and that's acceptable. I guess I just couldn't understand the 'in depth' way I was getting the ear bashing. Bearing in mind he liked most of the pictures, I just found his view very shallow bearing in mind he was commenting on photo's and didn't even bother to ask how recent they were. Then decided to make his judgement on those photos. By all means judge me, that's what we all do every time we look at someone's profile, but my point was if there was a level of interest both personality wise and looks wise, why not at least meet up before making the final judgement. Am I making sense? Probably not.. lol
 HerMajestyUK
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 9
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:15:30 PM

if anything you shoud look on the positive side...he's shown you what his preferences are early on...now you know, you can move on without wasting anymore time on what would be a complete mismatch..


that's the point.. here he was looking at my msn pic.. where i was almost 3 stone heavier telling me he liked that one. Yet cast judgement on me saying he wished I was thinner.. because of other pics.. and yet I already am...

To be honest though, even if he did want to meet up at this stage now, I don't think I would... cos I just found his whole attitude very shallow and quite ignorant to be honest.
 redee2tryagain
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:18:26 PM
Firstly OP, congratulations on your remarkable achievement! Well done you!

But .................

.........you know OP, there will be those that rush to your defence, slamming men as pigs!

There will be men proclaiming he was wrong/right to say what he did!

There will be people saying he was just being honest!

But OP don't rush to be thin, because of one man's comments.

You see, there are women on this site who are slim/thin and they are on this site because even though they are slim/thin they too are looking, just like you.

Don't think for a minute being considered as slim/thin will get you Mr Right, it has to do with other things as well, like chemistry, personality, looks, values, interests, so you see OP, being slim/thin may not fix it after all..........

......just be you and one day a good man with a good heart will find you.
 *~*Posh*~*
Joined: 6/21/2005
Msg: 11
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:18:58 PM
Well heres my view, i know ur sayin this aint a self pity thread n ur ded right it sounds like a men bashing thread but women r just as shallow as men believe me. A male insulted ur looks, ok that wasnt right but women do exactly the same thing 2 men all the time.
If anything u should look on the positive side, this dude that insulted ya has given u the inspriration 2 better urself so ur turning a negative in2 a positive so c that he did u a favour.
U hit rock bottom n ur comin back n lookin n feelin good, my final thorts on this subject r men arent shallow, people r shallow!!





EDIT

you know OP, there will be those that rush to your defence, slamming men as pigs!

Get it right, this man, not all men are like this note the word "the guy " and I never intended my post to reflect that that was my opinion on men on Mass, I am the only poster to mention pigs so I will correctly assume that that incorrect part of the post was directed at my said post in its entirety ..

Thank you very much ..

 ~Leannie~
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 12
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:20:34 PM
i'm probably going to be a bit contraversial here when i say that you can't blame a person for their preferences..it doesn't make him shallow that he's more attracted to skinny women...

what he is though is insensitive for saying what he said, the way he said it.
 HerMajestyUK
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 13
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:29:00 PM
That's just it, I don't have anything against his preferences...we all like our cake cooked different ways... lets face it.

a) to be chatting as long as he has... would show interest
b) to comment on my photos saying he liked them... would show interest

but to comment on an old photo and make judgement without even asking how old it was, and then judging me on that and giving me the whole i'm not so impressed chat.. which he didn't exactly do in a sensitive way..

and then he went on to lecture me about how to eat and asked if i exercise... ffs... my weight gain had NOTHING to do with food. I've spent the last 17 years battling against people who thought I was 'lazy' cos I was overweight, or 'ate too much'... my ex father in law was the prime example.. he once told me I should be a model..... for a FAT people's magazine.. and when we'd go over for dinner I ended up being served about a quarter a plate of food.

I go to Salsa once a week, I ice skate, I work on the top floor of a building and take the stairs at least 5 times a day, I used to to karate, and I'd say in general, i'm very active.

If I saw a profile of a guy that I thought oooohhh he looks nice, and we started chatting and for weeks conversation was good, just cos I saw a couple of bad pics of him later on certainly wouldn't cloud my judgement. I think I'd definitely have to see that person in the flesh before making that call. And fine.. if he wasn't what I was looking for so be it.

What I'm saying is that I was getting to a point where I was finally feeling good about myself.. and now.. well now I don't feel that good about myself any more.
 ChuffingBinty
Joined: 11/2/2007
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:34:06 PM
It works both ways, there are shallow women too.

This guy was very insensitive as to what i said and how he made you fell BUT you know what you need to be happy with who you are, if you lost 10 stone then fook me hats off to you be proud of that rather then dwell on some twat comments.

Peoples preference is up to them but it doesnt mean they have to trapple on someones self esteem in the process.... mean and women alike
 44Boz
Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 15
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:35:41 PM

Just gone through my first day without any food, going back on my 500 calorie diet of shakes/soups with no food intake


That's a joke, right?

What you ought to hang on to is:


[...]he liked my msn picture. One that was taken back in August last year when I was 2 1/2 stone HEAVIER!!!
 ~Leannie~
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 16
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:39:04 PM

What I'm saying is that I was getting to a point where I was finally feeling good about myself.. and now.. well now I don't feel that good about myself any more.




i think the question you should be asking yourself is why one person who you'd never met, and is so obviously an insensitive sh1te, has had such an impact on you?
 peachyperfect
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 17
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:42:34 PM
in some mens eyes angelina jolie is ugly...in some mens eyes jordan is ugly..in some mens eyes paris hilton is ugly...im some mens eyes dawn french is ugly....in some mens eyes fern britton is ugly.....

flip that coin and in some mens eyes one or all of these women are beautiful....

none of that matters...you need to be beautiful in your eyes..because then and only then you will see what a complete and utter idiot the man you were chatting to is and was.

if he doesnt find you attractive..his loss..plenty others will.

smile..move on..keep loving who you are and dont force urself to be something else just to please one person.

lou
xx
 HerMajestyUK
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 18
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:44:53 PM
good question!

Think part of me just wants to know is that how others think or see me and if that's why I'm still single after three years, cos if thats the reason then i guess I have no choice but to do more about it..

Just find the whole thing a little bewildering. He was on msn earlier and knew I was upset about something.. and didn't even realise it was him that had caused it. Being honest is one thing, being brutally blunt is another...especially when it's not based on the here and now.

What shocked me even more is I didn't even say anything for ages.. too gobsmacked to I guess... lol... but trust me.. he heard it in the end!
 eliza-jane
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 19
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:47:29 PM
I may be deep but I am incredibly shallow when it comes to body mass index, so mebe that makes me a piglette because although chemistry is a main priority, values such as taking care of the temple, both mind and body are values that I would want to share with any partner.

In my profile I highlight slim in capitals as a main prerequisite. I am aware that I will probably have to shop and cook for this person as well and I dont 'do' lots of petrol stops, alcohol also piles on calories. Several times I have turned up at a date only to be disappointed and have to spend a desultory 30 mins making conversation about nothing before leaving as I am not interested in dating someone cultivating type 2 diabetes as a retirement plan.

I would suggest that this man had probably built his hopes up regards electronic interfacing with you OP and rather than p i g, his disappointment accidently came out at having not registered your BMI previously and that he is gutted that you are not what he had thought. If he really didn't care he could have just deleted you. Maybe he has just spent a few years getting himself into shape via a lifestyle shift. Like an ex smoker realising their dream date is a smoker = DANGER!

Fat is a Feminist Issue is an old but interesting read, by Susie Orbach. I only wish they would do one for men, because it seems that patriarchy means 80% male PoFfers have a divine right to emulate the pregnant look. Yuk.
 2mass
Joined: 4/26/2007
Msg: 20
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:48:56 PM
Bloody ell, if i started a thread and moaned every time sum1 insulted me on msn or thru a pm the uk forums wud be full of my sob stories and id die a beaten broken man.
 Mini minstrel
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:51:23 PM
Message 11



Get it right, this man, not all men are like this note the word "the guy " and I never intended my post to reflect that that was my opinion on men on Mass, I am the only poster to mention pigs so I will correctly assume that that incorrect part of the post was directed at my said post in its entirety ..
Get it right, message 2 also used the word pig, so you incorrectly assumed!


Op: First of all very well done on your weight loss.


What I'm saying is that I was getting to a point where I was finally feeling good about myself.. and now.. well now I don't feel that good about myself any more.

Just goes to show what the lack of sensitivity and tact can do hey? There is no doubt this man showed a lack of it but i have to admit i do respect his honesty though, i know that know matter how well i got on with somebody, if it came to light they were of a larger body size than is my preference i wouldn't want any involvement with them beyond friendship, i just wouldn't have taken the same approach as this man did! Like another poster said though op, please don't be disillusioned into thinking being the 'perfect' size will solve all, it won't, nobody is perfect, the key is finding someone 'perfect' for you!

Edit: Message 22, the point is, you was telling somebody to "get it right" when you didn't have it right yourself, plus you said you "correctly assume" when that wasn't the case either.

HTH
 ~Leannie~
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 22
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:51:35 PM

Think part of me just wants to know is that how others think or see me and if that's why I'm still single after three years, cos if thats the reason then i guess I have no choice but to do more about it..


as others have said, it doesn't matter how others see you...it's how you see yourself is the problem here...

i think you should stop looking at your weight as being the problem and start looking at your self esteem...and understanding why you have such a low opinion of yourself that you would consider starving yourself to turn yourself into something to make someone else happy...

why is he more important that YOU?

it's you, you should be making happy! not that twerp x
 willow
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 23
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:56:55 PM

message 2 also used the word pig,


Yep I sure did, and after reading the rest of HerMajestyUK''s posts I stand by what I called him..

Not that all men are Pigs, just this particular one..
 HerMajestyUK
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 24
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:58:31 PM
ok maybe some people are missing the point I'm trying to make..

he liked my pictures on here
we were chatting for weeks
kept going on about meeting up - repeatedly
he didn't like a couple of my other OLDER pics
now changed tune
says he likes my pic on msn but wishes I was thinner
ummm I'm 2 1/2 stone lighter than my pic on msn

My point isn't about his preference, it's about him judging that preference on an OLD picture, and NOT in person. If we'd never chatted or never exchanged pics before that's one thing.... does anyone see the point I'm trying to make here?

If he wants a thin woman fine... but he likes my other pics..... and not my older ones when i was heavier.. that's fine too...

it's like a non smoker talking to another non smoker for weeks, then discovering they used to be a smoker and saying no don't want to meet you now... does that make any more sense as to the point I'm trying to make?
 *~*Posh*~*
Joined: 6/21/2005
Msg: 25
Self Esteem and Shallow Men
Posted: 1/30/2008 2:02:36 PM

Get it right, message 2 also used the word pig, so you incorrectly assumed!


Oh to be perfect...

My whole statement still stands, but now refers only to my post although I think you will find poster 2 was only referring to this particular man/situation and not all men in general as well...

HTH
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