| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 5:33:20 PM | hi,
I need your help folks in this since I figure it's something I could never change and as it's going to gets harder & harder as I get older.
I have a hug problem in dating or connecting strongly to a someone once I find at what age they started their sexual relationship, number of partners or type of partners (bad boy, studs, ginos, biker type of guys) they've had.
I myself come from a pretty conservative family, have always been shy & didn't start dating till my mid 20's. As the result I haven't been around and are pretty protective when it gets to this topic. (I'm not a virgin btw...have had a very short relationships)
my problem is, majority of people are not like me & been actively dating/having sex & stuff like that with many people. (btw..I don't blame them..I understand it's how & where they were brought up). I need to know how I could over look this and let it NOT BOTHER me.
there have been a few people I was pretty interested in but then I find out about their past & I really get turn off of that.
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 5:40:26 PM | we're not living in the dark days where sex is a sin. it's not a sin. it's something that 2 consenting adults do... and people will have sex. that's never going to stop. i don't mean for this to sound harsh in any way but you need to open your mind a little and broaden your horizon's. just because a person became sexually active earlier than you doesn't make them a bad person. in fact... sometimes the first experience is a mistake and something they wish they could take back. sometimes it's not... but a person doesn't deserve to be judged for being sexually active. as long as they're STD & HIV free what's the problem?
a quote comes to mind from one of my favorite movies...
the past is like a dime back novel. once you're done with it you throw it away and start a new one.
you can't change your past, all you can do is deal with your future. no one deserves to be judged for their past sexual experiences. that was BEFORE you and as long as they're faithful and true to you NOW... then their past... should stay in the past. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 5:56:34 PM | OP, perhaps, you lack a bit of self confidence, and feel as if you are competing against all of the men, women, and horses, your partners have had, before you.
If that may be the case, then realizing, that it's not a competition, and that there will always be people who were better then you, and hopefully worse then you in your partners past, might help you to realize, that non of that matters.
Don't sweat the small stuff, it rarely matters. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 5:58:21 PM | First of all....why do you have to discuss this with them?
Secondly....you have to learn to accept people for what they are if they have other qualities that make up for their indiscretions. We live in a world, unfortunately, where sex is projected to every teenager wherever they go. Look at music videos and how the girls "role models" the little singers with names I don't even remember dress, move and how they act. It's cool to be like that, it's cool to have sex with just about anyone.
Personally I think it's awful and I shake my head and I wonder what happend to the world but it is what it is and we just have to try to accept that sometimes young people are easily influenced and not until many years later will they realize that what they did might not have been so cool after all. (what a run away sentence, sorry).
This does not make them bad people, it just makes them having been weak and easily pressured by their surroundings, not to talk about peer pressure. Some of these people will continue with a promiscuous lifestyle and by all means, stay away from them, they usually have other problems you don't want to deal with, but some will only have it as a passage of their youth.
The way I see it is that you have a choice. Either you try to understand the dynamics of todays society and the people who live in it and be more forgiving or you have to simply try to find people who are also brought up in a conservative way.
Edit: I wonder why this is considered redundant? I haven't seen a similar question that seem to want to get to the depths about the issue. Correct me if I'm wrong. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 6:08:56 PM | people...people....please stop bashing and throwing f****** stone at me.
if you really read the whole forum, you'll see I've said it's my issue and not other people's issue.
And that's why I'm here...trying to get some advice from a few smart/open minded people left in this world. I know I'm not the only person in this world & there are a few who've had this issue & had overcome it.
Unfor. it's something that I'm/ I've been and now I'm trying to change it. I don't mean people are brought up as hose or anything like that. However I bothers me to see how careless some people have unfor. been. Sex is not sports or a hobby and is A VERY SPECIAL thing between 2 people who should love each other. so seeing people just going around and do it with random people without giving a second thought REALLY bothers me.
so if you have no POSITIVE advice, please keep your trashy mouth shut. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 6:10:01 PM | I as fine with your opinion till you said the line that involved that their amount of sexuals partners is how theyve been brought up. Your very judgemental.
I dont live in the dark ages. I've had a lot of relationships. Im not promiscious but wouldnever dream of slaggin off people who have had one night stands!
Long as people are careful it has nothing to do with you. If you cant face the truth then dont ask the question.
As for people being influenced by how they are brought up it can be so untrue. Alot of my friends were brought up strick catholics but could write books on their antics!
You need to meet someone dont discuss this stuff and see how you feel if you like them enough youll except the truth about them but you really need to learn some understanding and not be so judgemental or you wont go far in the world we live in being so narrow minded.
Just be careful you dont fall for a virgin who thinks cos youve had a couple of relatioships that your not good enough for her. You really need to think on! | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 6:11:30 PM | How is it that you know the amount of partners your girlfriend has slept with,unless you ask her?
The past is the past,and you should feel fortunate that you are able to date women that are willing to disclose such personal information.
I never discuss how many sexual partners I have had with anyone.
And I never would ask a partner such a question.
If you get turned off by a few numbers,then don't ask someone you are dating how many people they have slept with.
Problem solved.
Edit: If you come from such a "conservative family",then why would you be asking a lady such a personal question???
OP,people are not trashy for giving your question an honest answer.
If you aren't prepared for answers you receive in the forums,then don't post questions. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 6:40:04 PM | OP three people responded and you say we are bashing? Neither of us is bashing you or throwing stones. What makes you think we are?
What is considered positive advice in your mind?
And which one of us has a trashy mouth? Please let us know. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 6:44:36 PM | I don't regret the person or the age I was when I first had any type of sexual relations. Nor do I regret that he was my first when it came to matters of virginity. I regret some of my behaviour afterward, but it's the one thing nobody can ever take away from me. And considering how I was used by a family member for sexual purposes after in outright rape (the same one I bit and fended off at four), I am so grateful God let me slip that one boy under the door. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:02:42 PM | to the op. firstly, everyone has a preference in the type of person they're looking to date and that includes their likes/dislikes, how they feel about sex, what they look for in a relationship...etc.. and, if one of the things You are looking for is a girl without much of a sexual history, then that's nothing to be ashamed of, imo... it's just what You have in your criteria
to "get over it" when you have a problem with her past, may be very difficult if it goes against the foundation about what you believe.. however, maybe it could help to realize that it is in her *Past*, that that's something over and done with (if she's exclusively with you now) and that she's choosing to be with You, not them
good luck
edit: i don't see where any of the posters were bashing you or throwing stones when you posted your second post... | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:08:31 PM | | OP-I know how you feel. The only two guys I really cared about are not the types to really sleep around either so I understand where you are coming from. It's not like I want them to save themselves for me but when they feel I am special and we have that connection it is the best. As for me, I am not promiscuos but have had my experimental stages and enjoy sex. I stay away from it really because i'm afraid that if I have sex with someone I don't care about I woud go crazy and just start sleeping around and miss out on an opportunity to meet someone special. I respect people who don't like to sleep around. But became alot more open-minded about it when I hit my 30's when it is constantly on my mind. But, it is hard for me to find a new partner that I want to sleep with and it drives me crazy and leaves me frustrated. I guess it is a turn-off when there are guys that have slept around alot or with random girls. Strange infliction I suppose. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:10:04 PM | Well one way is to not ask about past sexual partners.... except most recent ones.
I mean you have to be careful.... don't want any sexual diseases, but you also don't want to miss out on something just for this reason. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:16:29 PM | | It's not about asking about but more so the way they carry themselves when they see a "****able" woman or man. I'm kind of hyprocrytical about that because everytime there is a hot guy my girlfriends or I start poking or signalling eachother like little school girls. And, our luck in running to boys like this lately has been slim to none. instead we start pointing fingers at eachother to who makes the bad choices for entertainment and who made who kiss the fat or gay one. But, that's all in fun and entertainment though. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:18:16 PM | I'm going through a bit of a thing right now in regards to permiscuity, sexual behaviours and the attitudes towards it all. Adultery runs rampant... some people want to close their eyes to that fact. I won't.
Does sexual history and habits have something to do with it? Who knows? But... it can't be dismmissed as a possibility.
If the OP is not comfortable with such things, I think it his right to feel that way. Nobody should tell him to lower his standards. But, realistically..... if someone was sexually active since their mid-teens (multiple partners) and they sat beside a woman who was a virgin in their mid-twenties.... I'd be williing to bet you view those women differently, on an individual basis
Chances are, many would say "look beyond that" Well... it's not that simple.
To the OP.... I recommend you be with whomever makes you feel comfortable. If you listen to some of the people here and follow their advice.... I'd be willing to bet sometime in the future the knowledge you have of that person's sexual past will become an issue - it usually does when the relationship is weakening. Maybe not always the case but... look at the number of married men and women on this site.
Stick with your gut and your morals.... it's your life to live... nobody else's.
but a person doesn't deserve to be judged for being sexually active. as long as they're STD & HIV free what's the problem?
^^^ comments and reasoning like this scare me. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:21:02 PM | Tell them that you will get weirded out by it and you don't want to know. If they want you to stay around they will keep their mouths shut. Also, did you do nothing when you were young that was stupid? People do things, often to rebel against the parents, and their values evolve as they get older. What they do now is important. Focus on that and let them know that the less information you have, the better.
Maybe also try remembering that you had people in your life to show you that sex was special and a very wonderful thing. Many people do not have that. If a girl is victimized by an older child or adult, she more often than not becomes promiscuous. Others may have had no guidance or have seen their mother or father engaging in numerous sexual encounters and they think that this is what it means to be a grown-up. Why don't you find out why they did what they did if they have had a history before you and then see if you still tend to be judgmental.
Instead of viewing her as damaged goods so-to-speak, you should instead think of yourself as the person that can show her how beautiful love can be when it is part of a loving committed relationship. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:27:31 PM | | The easiest thing would probably to find someone who shares the same values as you ... there are tons of girls out there (way more than guys) that are saving them for 'special' guys ... or just stop asking for the number of partners they have had (what you don't know won't hurt you). | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:41:38 PM | you asked for opinions and you got them.
you can't control what others think or how they will respond to your questions.
when we ask for opinions, we need to be prepared for what we might NOT want to hear.
listen to what others have to say...it won't hurt and might help in the long run. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:54:54 PM |
I need to know how I could over look this and let it NOT BOTHER me.
Dude, this is easy ... do what I do. Adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. Do you really need to know this info about your partner? No. The only question anyone should ever ask a partner regarding their sexual history is "Are you disease free?" Any other question is ridiculous to consider asking or answering.
It's not about hiding your own history or keeping your head buried in the sand, it's about accepting that we're all adults. We've all had sex (except in some rare situations). How many partners we've had or when we began having sex is meaningless to the current situation. What good does asking those questions or volunteering that information ever accomplish. For crying out loud, focus on the one your with. Live in the here and now. The past is gone forever. It can't be changed. But you sure can kill a lot of good things in the present by allowing the past in the door. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 8:15:17 PM | | If it bothers you that much, look for someone who was raised the same way that you were. Don't compromise what you truly believe to be important. If it freaks you out to the point that you don't want to keep seeing them, fair enough, but try not to criticize people who were not raised that same way. Nowadays, people usually date before they are 20 years old. Things aren't like they once were. I think you'd be better off looking for someone who shares that point of view, rather than trying to change the way you view their choice of lifestyles. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 8:25:58 PM | You have several choices:
1) Don't ask--base your love on the current woman, not on her past
2) Get over it--accept that nice women can have sordid pasts
3) Only date virgins
4) Date liars | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 8:26:36 PM | | You needn’t choose someone as a mate if they do not meet the criteria that you deem important in a partner. There are other individuals out there who share your sentiments on this matter, and rather than stifling your beliefs and settling for less than what you hold dear, seek out like-minded potential partners. It is acceptable to believe that sex is reserved for the confines of a loving and committed relationship, and just because one takes this concept to heart it does not mean they deem sex to be dirty or sinful. They merely put a different personal value on it. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/30/2008 8:38:39 PM | Specialone78, I totally read your topic post and you have led a reserved life, high five dude and good on you.
As for advice on how to get beyond this I would only have a few suggestions and that would be to take things very slow. Take time to build up trust between yourself and someone else and maybe you can get beyond your new friends more open past and you wont be so turned off once you've gotten to know them better as someone you might really see as a significant other in your life.
That or just keep looking for someone more reserved like yourself.
Good luck!  | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/31/2008 2:15:47 AM | I just gotta ask, is ignorance really the bliss people are claiming it is? I mean I dunno, I've seen that in a good number of posts, "Don't ask don't tell" policy. I mean just because you don't know a thing doesn't mean it can't hurt you. Tell you the truth, I'm not particularly concerned about the partners so long as she has some kind of conviction when she tells me she's responsible for what she did.
A lot of people that had sex young blame the natural "stupidity of youth" which is a horrible excuse, I started dating someone at 15, didn't have sex with her till 17, sure that's too young by some people's standards but I knew what I was doing, so did she. However living your life with no regrets is almost as bad, if you regret nothing then you don't aknowledge anything to be a mistake, particularly one of your own mistakes, we learn from mistakes and if you're saying you don't make any or at the very least don't make any serious enough to concern yourself with you're probably not learning from your past and are in danger of repeating it.
Anyway, as to what the OP was asking about, you should probably just accept you're not the first to the plate, neither is she because you've had previous women. What she's done isn't as important as what she's doing now, if you aren't looking for someone who's out and about for 1 night stands (and neither am I mind you so I know how you feel) then so long as she's at least not got a history that screams "Bar Star hook up" focus on the positives. Focus on the fact she's not hiding it from you when you ask, as long as she accepts that it was her decision that speaks volumes for her being responsible. All you gotta ask is if you were in the same situation would you do the same? Difference between men and women is that if men aren't seeking out women you're probably not getting any, women are the ones who are sought in our society, so if you spent most of your life avoiding trying to hit women up for one night stands but admit to an indiscretion here and there, you gotta accept that she may be only human just like you are. | |
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| getting over number or type of ex partners
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:20:30 AM |
my problem is, majority of people are not like me & been actively dating/having sex & stuff like that with many people. (btw..I don't blame them..I understand it's how & where they were brought up). I need to know how I could over look this and let it NOT BOTHER me.
That doesn't make sense. You say that you don't blame them, yet you're judging their past as not being as righteous as yours, when what they did before you graced them with your presence cannot be undone, had nothing to do with you, and was less worthy than yours, somehow. How incredibly arrogant!
How to overcome it? Pretend that you're a more loving, fair, understanding and compassionate God than the one you're currently playing, and stop asking questions when you can't handle the answers. | |
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