| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:14:55 AM | We've all heard the break-up line "It's not you, it's me." God bless you George Costanza, wherever you are. When most people say those words, they don't really mean it. It's just an easy cliche to end a relationship.
What about when it's true? At the end of the latest in my string of failed relationships, I went through the normal reflection process. I've always realized that I had a role in all of those failures. But I always had people around me who were quite willing to absolve me of my misdoings and place the blame on the other party or tell me I just haven't found the right one. Well, this time, a good friend asked me "have you ever noticed that the only common denominator is you?" Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks because it was not only honest, but true.
I've come to realize that I'm not only not good in relationships, but really, really bad at making them work. I'm not looking for anyone to psychoanalyze me. I pay enough for that already ... I'm just curious to find out if anyone else has ever had a similar moment of clarity. If so, how did you deal with it? Did you make any honest efforts to make changes in your life?
Personally, I know my flaws. They're well documented on my profile. I have no interest in making any changes because, despite being really bad at relationships, I like who I am. Just thought it would be interesting to see if anyone else has had a similar experience. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:18:44 AM | I wouldn't be so hard on yourself.
However,if you recognize there are things you need to work on,then take steps to make that happen. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:24:02 AM |
Well, this time, a good friend asked me "have you ever noticed that the only common denominator is you?"
You know.... people like to say that line all the time and it's a bunch of BS. Look around you, how many people actually are having good relationships on every try? It's very rare. Unless the relationships are failing for very obvious reasons (like you cheat on them or abuse them) then it probably isn't all your fault. I've had good relationships and bad ones... just because I hit a patch of men that lie about being single or turn out to be clingy and psychotic doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. It just means I've had a patch of bad luck. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:24:09 AM | | I think sometimes we're not hard enough on ourselves. We're more apt to rationalize our own actions rather than take responsibility for them - especially when we have enablers helping us to do so. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:24:36 AM | yammi darlin...you know you've really got there when you can tell yerself...ok! i REALLY am the problem ....AND thats okay with me! 
after all, recognizing it is only half the battle...accepting it as okay is priceless!
hugs darlin! | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:29:15 AM | | Yes!!!!!!!!!! After my husband passed away I worked on myself mentally, emotionally. and spiritually to become the person I am today. Will I continue to make mistakes in my life and relationships. You bet I will because I am not perfect, but I have learned to handle things in a different way and take responsibility for my part in what goes wrong. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:33:52 AM | yep, one time when i was about 18, traveling with the theatre company and felt like i knew everything, i was pulled aside and told that he'd seen how i saw everything in "black and white" - ie either it was good or wasn't, that there was no "middle ground" with me, no compromise.... it really took me aback.. and on thinking about it, i realized he was right..i was very proud of what i believed and strong willed and defiantly passionate about defending it, without really letting others have a chance..
from then on i've had a more open mind and with the traveling and experiencing new people and cultures it's helped me to see that there really are very few definite "black and whites" in life; once you get to understand and really know a situation or person there are so many layers and specific particulars to each individual and circumstance.. it's really quite silly to think that we have definitives when we often don't know all the details, most of the time
another defining moment was when my ex and i were having counseling from a husband and wife pastoral team... they were talking with him about the abuse and i was sitting there in tears feeling thankful that finally he was being told how wrong he was, by people he respected... when the wife turned to me and said, "and you've got to stop enabling him to do that to you.. you're permitting the abuse"... i had never thought of it that way before, it hurt me at first, (i felt totally "the victim", i didn't want to be told i did anything wrong, lol) but then i realized that she was right and that it was actually an empowering statement; that i did have the right to stand up for myself, to be treated differently - and that was said to me by church leaders who even my ex respected, so i didn't have to accept his (and much of the christian church's) misogynistic interpretation of the bible as an excuse
it's a liberating thing to learn more about myself, i've found... | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:35:33 AM | OK, admit it... you've been taking Ignoble lessons, right??
A refreshingly honest viewpoint, I must say. Good chops, OP!
If/when you find the one who accepts you now, you might just find that your "pattern" will change. If not, well... chalk another one up to "proving the theory", eh?
[/amateur psychology] | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:37:53 AM | taking responisbility for actions that cause a breakup is one thing....accepting who you are and why you would not fit into such a relationship is something totally different.
there have been times when on the surface things seemed promising..till i realized that when the honeymoon stage wore off there were gonna be some basic difference that i would just be happier NOT overcoming..........and being okay with that...
there was a feller every body thought was perfect for me..and it seemed true for a while...then lil differences began to pop up, and it wasnt things i was willing to compromise on...sooooooo.......if that makes me the one who's fault it was that it didnt work out, i not only accept it, but i am perfectly happy being that way....and i aint gonna regret it........ | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:48:28 AM | I've looked back over past relationships and noticed some things I could have handled better, and better choices I could have made. But I believe the point is to live, learn and forgive.
Unlike you, I am interested in making changes--I don't want to repeat the same stupid mistakes all my life. I think each relationship is a learning experience-- I look back and use them to refine who I am, how I relate to other people, and grow. I love who I am, but I can always learn to be a kinder, more loving, more forgiving person and have a deeper understanding of myself and other people. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:49:58 AM | The trick is in finding someone you can actually relate to. Then there is no "being good at having a relationship", you just and simply relate to them, the two of you speak the same language, they understand you. Finding such a person is another matter but I'm sure that being the best you that you can be (the you that you believe to be best) is something that can only help, even if it may appear counter-productive. Sometimes repelling 99.99% of the opposite gender can be hat helps you find one of the few who you can genuinely relate to rather than trying to coexist in "a relationship" with.
As to it being my fault -- everything is always my fault and always has been. :) | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:52:05 AM | First of all ... hi Di, great to see you again, doll
taking responisbility for actions that cause a breakup is one thing....accepting who you are and why you would not fit into such a relationship is something totally different.
Very well said. See, I'm great in the "honeymoon" period because I am more giving of myself. That's why I for so long lived by the idea of never allowing a relationship to go beyond six weeks. But when the wooing is over, I realize I need to not only get back to real life, but I have plenty to catch up on. That means more nights, weekends and vacations spent working with clients. That leaves little time for a relationship.
In my bizarre mind I view things this way: Aside from my son, I'm spending more time with her than anyone else, which in my thinking, makes her pretty darn important in my life. That's elevated her pretty high on the old priority chart. In reality, I'm probably spending a night or two a week with her. Thing is, if you're going to grow your business, those are the sacrifices you have to make. If you don't make them, you'll be bankrupt before you know it. Hence my coming to the realization mentioned earlier.
The trick is in finding someone you can actually relate to. Then there is no "being good at having a relationship", you just and simply relate to them, the two of you speak the same language, they understand you.
Not that I disagree with that, but finding someone just like me would mean that unless our schedules somehow aligned perfectly, we would see each other once a month. Already did that with the ex wife, LMAO | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:12:22 AM | Doesn't it take both parties to make a relationship work or fail?
I, too, am happy as I am. If I admit I'm part of the problem, the I have to face my flaws. I'm not ready to do that yet!
luv_karla...regarding him changing...he's said he likes himself as he is, and doesn't want to change. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:19:17 AM | I know my flaws all too well also OP, hence why I'm not dating right now and probably won't for quite some time, if ever.
So I know what you mean. I also thought I knew how to have a good relationship since I was privileged enough to be in one for twenty years, but in the end I ended up screwing up big time and now I realize that I know nothing anymore.
I never blamed or tried to shift the blame on anyone else than where it rightfully belongs, which is right here with me. I've been struggling with my feelings of shame and guilt for the failure of my relationship for a little over three years now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. People mean well ( bless their hearts) and tell me to not be so hard on myself and to go ahead and forgive myself like I would others.... and that my inability to forgive *me* is what is hindering my recovery and preventing me from being able to move on with my life....and they're right. But unfortunately, it's not as easy as it seems.
Yet it's ironic that I want to say the same things to you that these good people have said to me....don't be so hard on yourself OP and try to accept that you are an imperfect human, just like we all are... none of us is without flaws. And that even good people sometimes do "bad" things, but we are still worthy of being loved, flaws and all...you know? The very fact that you are able to objectively look at yourself and see what your strengths and (alleged) weaknesses are, already puts you at a great advantage that many people don't have. And I thought one of the best and most positive thing you said in your entire post is that you like who you are.....in my opinion, that's already more than half the battle won.
Take care OP and I wish all the very best....and congratulations on getting your MBA:)
JMHO | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:37:01 AM | | once i realized what my problems were i had a hell of a time finding people to blame them on.i found them eventually though,i call them family and friends.lol. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:39:59 AM | Oldsoul,
I have no problem accepting myself for who I am. I rather like me. But who I am is not conducive to a successful relationship. My personality is well suited to serve many other purposes and I find great success where many people only find marginal success or outright failure. I don't think I'm a bad person by any means. I'm a great dad, I'm never in trouble with the law, I'm a good neighbor, I have many good friends, I volunteer for charitable organizations and donate to others. All in all, I think I'm a very good person. The person I am is the person I want to be. That person, though, is very, very bad at relationships, LOL.
After reading your story, I feel sad that you haven't been able to find it within yourself to forgive yourself. I know that feeling, as well. I struggled with it for a long time regarding the position in which my son was placed due to divorce. You have to make the decision to forgive yourself on your own and at your own pace. What helped me was coming the realization that I can't changed what happened, but what I can do is commit myself to making things better in the now as well as the future. I wish you the best with that inner struggle.
... and thanks for the congrats.
Fishbill ... you seem angry | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:42:49 AM | Taking responsibility for one's behaviours and actions? How novel a concept! But don't bet on too many following this path of enlightenment, its too easy to pass the buck so to speak. Few take the time to reflect on themselves and realize they have a major part in what transpires in their lives including relationships. Its always someone elses fault or it just wasn't meant to be. BS!
At least yamihere knows his faults and accepts them. He does not hide them, his profile is very clear. No woman can claim to not knowing what they were getting involved with although some do I'm sure. I applaud you. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:47:05 AM | Oh for sure. My late husband [whom I was divorced from before he passed away], told everyone who was on my case about the breakup, something to the effect of: "Listen up! She may have made a horrible wife, but she was always a great mother."
That was in 1978, and it may be a backhanded compliment. It was still true tho. Over the years it's become less true at times and just as true or moreso at others. Like one poster noted above, don't be too hard on yourself. Reflection is truly a wonderful gift that is not bestowed upon every individual. You'll get there. We all will. There's many paths up the mountain. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:55:55 AM | Yep....about 10 years ago I finally figured out why I kept picking the type of women I usually did. Suffice to say it was a pretty stock answer, a tad Freudian..tho not ickily so.
That realization made a big diference in subsequent relationships.  | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:01:49 AM | I'm pretty hard pressed to see that a problem exists, darlin.:)
(And yes, I've realized it about myself a time or two, and because I really wanted more out of my one life, I did the hard stuff.) | |
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tomi03
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Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 21 | |
| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:07:50 AM | | I realized the same thing after my last relationship. I totally screwed up too. Its sad, but you only realize how much they mean when your gone. I had *friends* who well turned out to be scum, that made me believe things that werent totally true. and It ended my relationship. So yes there are alot of other people out here who screw up. You can either live and learn. Or be like me and sulk and hate yourself for being a total moron. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:10:48 AM | I wasn't ALL of the problem in my last relationship, but I was PART of it. And when I looked in the mirror I didn't like who I saw. So I took steps to change it. That is how I became single again....I changed to improve myself and our relationship....he kept saying it was all me.
I am a better person now than I ever have been....I look forward to the day when I can share it with someone. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:13:55 AM |
...you know you've really got there when you can tell yerself...ok! i REALLY am the problem ....AND thats okay with me!
after all, recognizing it is only half the battle...accepting it as okay is priceless!
Exactly - I know I'm the problem, or at least they're gonna think I am because I want to be in a relationship that fits into my life when I am in the mood for it. I just don't have that "drop everything for someone in my life" mentality - and I cringe when someone else displays the same behavior.
That's why I don't date much - I don't want to enough to really put a lot of effort into it. And the truth is, I don't really care. Being single means I don't ever have to consider anyone else's schedule or explain myself to anyone, unless they're paying me to work. I'd rather be alone all the time and know I have my space then with someone and wishing they would give me some.
Yes, the "problem" is me - but it's a nice problem to have!
My theory is (not a popular one, but I don't care) that if you want a relationship at all and you want me in it, give it your best shot. But the other person will always want it more than I do, IME, and that means I don't want to work on it or change to fix it. You want the relationship, you work on it, and call me when you've figured it out. There's no downside to me to stay single, so I'm automatically guaranteed to put less effort into it. | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:14:17 AM | I like who I am. Just thought it would be interesting to see if anyone else has had a similar experience.
I happen to love who I am. To be strictly to the letter here I've really only had one "failed" relationship in my life...my first marriage to an extremely abusive, near psychotic man. And marrying that man was my own bad judgement( I was like 19)
So then I dated around for a couple of years until I met my husband. That relationship ended in his unexpected death in January of 2001.
Since then I've dated and had some "relationships" but I can't honestly say that they "failed"...mostly they just ran out of gas, or were allowed to fade for lack of time, relocation, etc. There wasn't a lot of drama, sleepless nights or tearstained pillows.
My "problem" is some sort of wrongful idealism, I guess. If I have to be a booty call, sugar mama, or a married man's vacation from a "loveless" marriageor be in a relationship where HE wants me and I feel no chemistry, in order to be half of a couple, I AIN'T DOING IT.
I guess that makes me the dreaded "too picky". Personally, I'm not that big on getting married again, in fact (depending on the other person's lifestyle and financial circumstances) marriage might NOT make the best practical and financial sense. But if I can't have a quality relationship that I can be proud of, I'll stay by myself.
I realize that having such narrow parameters( a relationship I can take pride in) makes me unrealistic. So that means I'm the problem... and I'm OK with that.
Cindy O | |
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| Ever realize that you're the problem?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:14:37 AM |
Not that I disagree with that, but finding someone just like me would mean that unless our schedules somehow aligned perfectly, we would see each other once a month. Already did that with the ex wife, LMAO There's a difference between "someone just like you" (your words) and "someone you can relate to" -- being able to understand each other doesn't mean that you need to be identical. Harmonious relating is about being complementary, not carbon copies. | |
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