| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:15:15 PM | no thank you doesn't he understand?
This is not a self pity thread, but rather just an effort to find out how to handle this situation.
At the first POF social event I ever attended in 2006, I met a man who had a seemingly unconscious habit of brushing his hand against me, and other women, whenever we would walk by him or sit across from him. I don't know about the other women in attendance, but I am very uncomfortable with anyone touching me without my invitation to do so.
A few months later he messaged me wanting to get to know me. I explained my discomfort and lack of interest in spending any more time with him. He seemed to accept the declining of his invitation and moved on. Several months went by and he sent me another inquiry, to which I replied with a reminder of the initial uncomfortable meeting and a repeat of my disinterest. Yesterday he sent me another note, in which he seemed eager to chat with me, to see if we had anything in common. Again I sent a note, much more blunt than the previous ones, telling him that I will not change my mind re not wanting to meet him.
What should I do if he does this again, especially since he occasionally attends the local coffee nights? Somehow he has never been at any of the recent ones I've been to, but he says he hopes to see me there soon. I don't want to make a scene, but at the same time I do not want to spend an evening trying to avoid him either. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:20:37 PM | | Have you thought of using the nifty little blocking feature? Oh... and a stern fvck off generally works well too... | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:25:54 PM | Thanks psssst,
While I have used the block feature in cases where men were extremely rude or stalker types, I really don't see what he is doing as being harmful or threatening. His messages are always polite and inoffensive. He just isn't getting the message. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:28:26 PM |
He seemed to accept the declining of his invitation and moved on.
Does he appear to remember later that he’s already contacted you? I’m wondering if he’s sending out generic invitations to many women and doesn’t even remember you, or just has a very poor memory to begin with.
If he touches you at a coffee night, just push his hand away and tell him you don’t like it. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:29:58 PM |
His messages are always polite and inoffensive. Fair enough... but the block feature works on stupid too...
 | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:30:44 PM | Maybe he forgets? It happens, sometimes I message someone then do it again without realizing I've done it before.
Kudos to you for responding back though to explain that you wouldn't, most women or men for that matter do not have the maturity to do such a thing. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:33:39 PM | My mom dates guys off the internet and she had a similar problem...
I'd tell my mom to send one more email that says something like, " I appreciate that you are polite and inoffensive, but I am seriously not interested. Please stop making your advances towards me. Thanks!" ..then my mom could add, "or my kid will whoop your butt!"
If it continues, tell him flat out that you'll take the next step and take legal action. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:34:52 PM | Aye, the burden of a persistant shmuck who can't accept the word no.
If'n he continues to ignore your decline, especially at POF functions. Remind him that a woman's word of harrassment goes allot farther, and is more beleivable. There's also the chivalry of other gentleman at these functions. Gain the friendship a few worthy blokes to insist that he change his behavior. In reference to the online thing, like the poster ahead of me stated, block him. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:35:00 PM | | Guys, she runs into this guy at social events. He knows her. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:40:10 PM | Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. I like what rafters has said he told his mother, and also the suggestion to gather some of the other men at these social functions to support me while I tell him, again, that I neither appreciate nor welcome his attention.
Thankfully he does not know my last name or the street I live on. I usually bus it to these outings, but am thinking I should start getting a ride home. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:45:09 PM | I wouldn't hesitate to use the block feature if it is truly making you uncomfortable. After all you should be coming on to this site to get away from stress and not cause it.
Plus, I'd give someone the heads up that goes to the local coffee gathering. That way, if you give a signal, your friend can come save you if he tries to talk to you one on one. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:37:14 PM | Some people are just naturally 'Touchy' . .just as a way of being Friendly . .
I, myself am quite tactile and find contact between people very ingratiating
. . where acepted . .!
But I DO know to keep my distance after only One warning, Too . . ! . . 
The Block is a good deterrent . . but socially . . you may want to gather some support . .
whether other women, or men . . to keep him at bay . . !
***
. . then again . . is 'cuddlybuddy' somewhat 'suggestive' . . ??
. .  .. .. . .
.. .. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:49:29 PM |
A few months later he messaged me wanting to get to know me. I explained my discomfort and lack of interest in spending any more time with him. He seemed to accept the declining of his invitation and moved on. Several months went by and he sent me another inquiry, to which I replied with a reminder of the initial uncomfortable meeting and a repeat of my disinterest. Yesterday he sent me another note, in which he seemed eager to chat with me, to see if we had anything in common. Again I sent a note, much more blunt than the previous ones, telling him that I will not change my mind re not wanting to meet him. It sounds like he's "forgetting" who you are.
Or just maybe his email is one he makes many copies of and mails to multiple women at a time and you keep coming up on his list and because you're not interested its not worth his effort to avoid annoying you.
Block him. As Psssst says, it works on stupid too. If it makes you feel better you could send him a polite note informing him that you've blocked him, too. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:04:16 AM | | Tell him that his hand would be better used on himself than it is on women who have a good head on their shoulders. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 5:13:47 AM | To 2BlovedeternalE, that is a valid point re my POF handle. I have received a few first contact emails that suggested meetings of a kind that I am not interested in. It would seem you are quite accurate in your suggestion re my handle giving some men the wrong impression about me. When I refer to myself as cuddlybuddy, it is simply a reference to the fact that any friend of mine can be guaranteed a hug when we meet, not to my (possibly) having a high sex drive, as some men have indicated.
To scotterpop, thanks for the compliment. Your mom has raised a savvy, caring, and polite young man. I liked your profile; very refreshing change from the standard ****sh*t that a lady sees so much of in some profiles. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 9:19:39 AM | You seem to keep replying to this guy?
Why don't you ignore him when he messages you?
and block him in he persists? | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 9:23:27 AM | you can catch more flies with sugar than vinegar...
-however if you pull their wings off, they cant fly anymore  | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 11:54:46 AM | and then they're called 'walks'
H.x | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:06:24 PM | "I really don't see what he is doing as being harmful or threatening. His messages are always polite and inoffensive. He just isn't getting the message."
what message isn't he getting, er rather - what message aren't you sending ? Ignorance should be bliss for you (that means you should ignore him)
saying "no thanks" means "no" loud and clear to me - but yet there seems to be some sort of ongoing thing involved - you do, after all, keep responding to him. perhaps you're too polite or timid to tell him to "take a flying fornication at a rolling pastry".
IMHO there is more to this story - or - it is approaching the Very Large Red Flag territory... Not having all the facts, I guess that's up to you to decide... | |
|
fay98
|
Joined: 8/8/2007
Msg: 20 | |
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:39:08 PM | | Send him this thread where we are telling him to BACK OFF! | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 1:00:01 PM | If his behavior makes you uncomfortable and you have expressed this AND he still persists ... THAT is a violation of your boundaries, no matter HOW polite. Sometimes some boors believe that if they are superficially polite that cancels out boundary violations. It does not... it is a hallmark of the self-entitled, and covertly abusive.
Block and delete.. you do not need a reason other than it makes you uncomfortable.
hugs! | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 2:57:32 PM | | I think fay98's idea is right on. The group may accomplish what you alone can't. Isn't that the theory behind intervention? | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 3:08:38 PM | | Hmmm, it sounds like this has happened off and on since 2006. In 2 years. Jeeze, I have been on this site for 1 year, and accidentally sent a 2nd email to one lady, that wasn't interested. The guy could be forgetful... and maybe a bit stupid. :-) | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 3:21:51 PM | What should I do if he does this again, especially since he occasionally attends the local coffee nights?
OK, I gave this advice to someone with a similar problem with unwanted touching.
Tape some giant rat traps all over your body.
Whack! whack! whack! 
Or try pepper spray and also be sure to scream at the top of your lungs: "Stranger Danger!" while spraying him in the eyes. 
But seriously, I like message #7.
Do you have someone, preferably a large fellow, that could accompany you there and sort of "back you up" while you deal with this man?
And if needed, he could step in and make sure he understands. (if you know what I mean)
Some of these guys are just "dense" and can't take a hint. - It might be time to get tough with this one.
Good luck. | |
|
| What part of
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:11:16 PM | In regard to the block option on POF, that would keep him from contacting me on here, but he could still approach me at POF social functions. I will ask a few of the other men in attendance if they could run interference for me if he tries to corner me for conversation. Thanks again for that suggestion.
Also, in regard to the possibility that he sends the same message to many ladies, he sends me a rose everytime he messages me. He only has two roses to send each month, and he is sending me one of them. In one of the first responses I sent him I tried to explain that sending roses to someone in a first message is not only considered overkill by many ladies I know, but it is a tactic that is not welcomed by me. He gets an A for persistence, but an F for not getting the message I am trying to deliver. | |
|
Home
login 
