| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/1/2008 9:26:10 AM | Has anyone experienced this ? The emotions are so weird.
My Exhusband had "sudden cardiac death" while driving his truck and pulling a boat last Sunday evening. He didn't wreck, he got off the side of the road safely without impact, but died before they got him to the hospital. This happened in Oklahoma, about two hours away.
We have been divorced about a year and a half. We were married 22 years. We had a very bitter divorce as you know, and some matters regarding pensions are still outstanding, so we were in contact when necessary, but never "chummy", but I expected as time passed, things would get better....now...not gonna happen.
We have a 21 year old daughter who needs me to be strong. Yet my Ex's family has been terrible to me and will not acknowledge the fact he was my husband for half of my life. He is somewhere now, answering for his transgressions and cruelty. I forgave the man, coffinside for all the bitterness and pain, and swore to only share good memories of him to our grand daughter, born last September.
I need advise, because I don't know of anyone who has been through this situation before, I have no idea what to do. I feel like I grieved the man's death a long time ago, at first I felt nothing and felt ashamed that I didn't. But now...some kind of emotion is welling up and can't figure it out. | |
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Hwyl
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Joined: 1/25/2008
Msg: 2 | |
| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:55:14 AM | I have not experienced that but my ex is dying. It is hard on my oldest daughter who is his primary care giver. I also have had the chance to move on since the divorce.
I am immensely sad that he is dying. He may not have been perfect but neither was I. We had some good times. I think that is what I am grieving. He was my partner for half my life. It seems so weird to even think about it.
I will attend the funeral because it is important for my kids. I have an advantage in that my inlaws are comfortable with me and visa versa. I think I would anyway. I have made lots of choices in my life based on what was best for my kids. In this case I would do that again. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/1/2008 11:04:30 AM | I'm so sorry for you loss. I too was with a man for over half my life and just recently divorced. He's remarried, but we will always be parents of two wonderful daughters and he is still my friend. I visited my ex-father-in-law the other day and voiced concerns about my ex not taking good care of his health. (history of heart problems, prime candidate for prostate cancer, overweight, drinks too much, etc.) His father told me that I could not allow myself to worry so much that I would jeopardize MY health.
I know that when my ex-husband does pass away, if it's before me, I will feel a loss.
Sandee | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:48:23 PM | Sunny,I'm sorry for the loss of your ex-husband. I also know and understand from previous messages the two of you had a difficult ending to the marriage.
I do believe 22 yrs of marriage has greatly influenced you and now the emotions buried deep within are now surfacing. Personally,I do not believe time heals ,but I do believe deep inside was buried a heart full of love and compassion. Hurts surfaced before,but no human having a kind and loving heart can surpress the emotions your having now.
Suggestion: Let your emotions come forth ,then you just might experience the healing some believe time takes care of. Sometimes it takes things like this to bring us to the point we can heal.
As far as your ex-family,let them deal with their hatefulness ,they have to live with themselves,not you! | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/1/2008 1:09:58 PM | Thank you all very much for your comments and advise.
I have a stepson, I love very much. He has never said anything bad about me to his little sister (my daughter) and I'm grateful for that. Yet, I couldn't console him at the funeral or visitation, because the timeing wasn't right. But soon I want to.
I don't know how I will be accepted, but I can try. His mother and I are friends and have always been able to discuss our children, when they were little. We swapped kids back and forth all the time, so they could spend time together.
As far as a new point in healing.... I very much believe it. It was a grief I chewed on for so long witout resolve. Now God says swallow.
Some say divorce is like a death. But I say it's worse. The dead do not choose to quit loving you. The love goes on. I suppose that's why I feel like I'm in a different realm now and only time will transport me where I need to be. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/1/2008 8:38:54 PM | | Sunny, I am so sorry for your loss. Somehow the death of my ex meant that there would never be any resolution or apologies for the problems we had in our marriage. Our kids were in there mid-20s and all I could do was support them and grieve for their loss. He had remarried and it was very hard for them because his wife would not let my children have even a token item that had belonged to their Dad. The grief that I had prior to his death was grief for the "death" of our marriage but when he died it was a different type. Take care of yourself and contact your stepson because he may need you more in a week or so than he did at the services. Writing the good and the bad stuff down really helped. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/2/2008 6:23:27 AM | | cremepuf, that is exactly how I feel. The apolgies or acknowledge will never come, so I have to learn how to move on without it. I was so ashamed because I felt nothing at first but the emotions did come, but just differently than I thought. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/2/2008 11:04:32 AM | I have not felt anything about the ex boyfriend that passed. Yet I did feel total sorrow when my father-in-law passed. Go figure. We never know where the emotions will come from or why.
To address the other issue you included in your post:
It's a shame that the in-laws are so rude at such a time. I have some issues that are similar.
After Dad's death, his family did not acknowledge my family's existence and literally came to our home to 'get his things' like the lawn mower. He and my mother had been married over 25 years.
We (the kids) never received another Christmas card from them.
When my late husband passed, his family has kept me included. However, his prior wife and their child only speak when they want something financial.
I continue to send the child gifts almost every month. It's not her fault.
I think this shows the character of people. And one shouldn't worry about how poor a character others have. Hold your head high despite the ugliness. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/2/2008 11:47:31 AM | Yes I realize in some way, his family needs someone or something to blame and hate.
Fine, let me have it. I know different and I'm fine with it. They will not provoke me and I refuse to crawl.
I will be there for my daughter when she needs me and I will watch 'em from the cheap seats. Nothing more I can do.
Bitterness and hatred kill the soul and eventually the body. Just ask my Ex...oh wait...you can't. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:57:13 PM | Sunny, I don't have a clue how you feel because I've never been through it. So having nothing to draw on I have no advice or words of wisdom. All I have to offer is a big dayum hug and sympathy for your daughter's loss because Im sure she is hurting too.
We love ya sunny girl | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/2/2008 8:57:52 PM | Thank you whyspr, I love you too. You have always been a bright spot on these forums and your post means alot to me.
My emotions change from day to day, today was a good day. I talked with my daughter and she's had a good day too. The baby keeps her busy...thank God for that wee one. She's doin' a good job of showin' us what hope is all about. He grand father loved her very much. Up until the day she was born, we vowed we would never lay eyes on each other or speak again...but God had other plans....I was the one who handed him the baby to hold in the hospital, a special moment in time that I'll always remember....I knew our past was our past and we would deal with each other in peace for the that little girl.
Don't get me wrong....he was a liar and a cheat, a womanizer and not a very good man by any stretch of the imagination. But I had come to terms with it and he was out of my life. Now he really is.
But I feel bad for my daughter and my heart breaks for her. It must be terrible to lose a father, when you're so young. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/3/2008 12:56:13 AM | | My Ex is still alive, and i've not gone through this, I had something happen to make me know i didn't Hate my ex, do any of you remember the Lubby's Shooting in Killeen, Texas? I do, I was at work when it happened, and they broke in on the Radio with a New's Flash, I knew my ex, and her husband alway went there for her lunch break, It said several Killed, dead unknown at the time, i tried to call, no calls where getting through, I left work, all the time hopping and praying she was O.K. I got the Boy's right after the divorce, and how would i tell them, make them understand, they were 8, 13, &17, there mother was no longer here, it seemed like it took me forever to get there, i had to park, about mile away, i ran as fast as i could, out of breath, i seen an Officer i knew, I asked if he knew anything, I told him Judy and Dale were in there, he took me over the Police Line, and we found her and Dale, he was being transported, he'd had a heartattact, she was o.k. that was the first, and last time i hugged her tight, I told her was glad she was alright...she told me, they had just walk out, as the Shooter drove his pick-up throw the large windows, and started shooting...No, I don't love her, and No, I don't want anything to happen to either...I did lose 7 good friend's in that shooting... | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/3/2008 6:39:00 AM |
Bitterness and hatred kill the soul and eventually the body. Just ask my Ex...oh wait...you can't.
Huh? | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:41:32 AM | | I'm just sayin', don't carry bitterness and hatred around, some people take it to their grave. You can't advise the dead to let go and be happy. But those that alive won't listen either. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/7/2008 8:39:40 AM | Sunny, my heart aches for you. Like it was said, one piece of your grieving process is now knowing that closure over the past will come in a different form.
As far as his family, death brings out the best in some people and the worse in others. You can't control how they react, only be the best person in the situation and hope that some day they will realize what a jewel you are. Their attitudes in contrast to your own will be a vivid statement to your daughter about how people's attitude matter. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/7/2008 9:26:29 AM | I think the only option you have is to focus on your future not your past. Focus on your daughter and grandchild and what you can achieve for yourself.
There is a saying that I believe says volumes. If you allow your past to control your present ,you will never have a future without your past controlling it. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/7/2008 12:53:17 PM | Thank you all so very, very much for your words of widom and encouragement. I have my good days and bad days.
I'm suffering the ususal symptoms of grief. I can't concentrate, I feel nervous sometimes, and super lazy. But it's a process and takes time I know. But today I had my cell phone up to my ear, but I dialed the number I wanted to call on my desk phone. Just stupid stuff like that.
Tomorrow, I'm pickin' up the baby for the weekend and I will cherish my time with her. She'll be a welcome distraction for me. But I hope I don't put the diaper on her head and stick the bottle up her butt. 
I'll be okay, I just gotta !
But I have come to grips with the fact, God had a plan for me. It was in the plans for me to be alone at this time in my life, I don't think I could've handled it if we were still married, I've had time to learn to be self sufficient and strong. I make a better divorcee than a widow.
So if ya wanna give God a good laugh....tell him YOU have a plan ! | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:03:36 AM | There are those who have an appreciation for life and to see anyone loose it is a loss..I see the unexpected, of people dying and the means in which they pass, everyday and shake my head as to how crazy this world is..We all take life for granted and fail to realize how important everyday is..I think most of us live for the moment. It is times like these that make you realize how sudden and short life can be,,we trudge on thinking tomorrow will be a better day.. Life is way to short to sit around thinking you are content or satisfied with how your life is when in fact you are not... I think a lot of us are here because we want someone in our life.. To encourage our health, support each other emotionally... these are the things that make us.
In death or spirit a loss is always something that is difficult to confront..At least you felt and that says a lot about you sunny... We cant change the past but we can sure change the future. Im here if you need anything hun, give me a call.. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/10/2008 3:33:55 PM | Wow, paladin....you certainly know what I'm feeling. Thank you very much.
It's not so tough for the people who leave this Earth, but for the people they leave behind it's so devastating. But...I got to play with the baby this weekend and love her and cherish every moment with her. Something her grandfather will never know. He'll never get to see that lil thang grow up. I hope he's watching over her from a divine place. I know if there's any graces given him at all....he would be glad to stand sentry over that lil girl. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/10/2008 7:24:32 PM | | I have not experienced your pain, but I know that one of us will die someday. I know it will be weird because Ihave had his last name longer than I ever had mine. I had to go to court once and they said my maiden name and my son just stared, so did I. What you are feeling is normal and with the divorce rate the way it is many more of us will experience this. Your child will need support. Just forget the in-laws grieve for yourself and your child. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:59:58 PM | It's hard to let the inlaws take it out on me, but I can deal with it. It's just my daughters half brother's feelings that bother me. I practically raised that man. He's unduly influenced and I can't help that. He has to deal with me because of some outstanding matters of the divorce, so he may be feeling like I'm cuttin' in some how....but it's just how things played out is all.
I want him and my daughter to bond even closer. They are trying and the only way he will try to stay close is if "I remove my self from the situation" (a quote from him), so I'll gladly do that if it means, they will try to bond like a brother and sister. They do love each other, but live about 90 minutes apart. What happens now, is crucial to their future relationship. So I wait. It's up to him to be uncle and grandpa too.
I ain't about to push the river. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/11/2008 1:14:12 PM | | Hang in there Sunny.Let them work it out.Its hard I know and I am here for you.I will keep you in my prayers.I too am going thru this with my son.His dad is also dying and we have been divorced a very long time. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/11/2008 4:58:51 PM | Thanks Debb1110, I need all the help I can get. I'm sorry about your exhusband too. Sometimes I think I can handle the sudden death, alot better than I could a slow suffering one. I hope your son can deal with it okay. It must be very hard.
Ya'll are in my prayers too. | |
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| When ExSpouse dies ~ now what?
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:15:55 PM | they will bond. People just grieve in different ways. Hang in there. Do you attend church? Church really helps me alot (when they are not begging for money). Have a blessed day. | |
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