| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:14:38 PM | I had a interesting experience with my son (9) the other day. I had him with me on the day I usually do some banking, including transferring funds to his mom’s account for child support. I actually handed him the cash to hold for a while, while I told him how much I pay, and how often, and the kind of expenses this money is for. He was surprised and interested, and thanked me several times.
Have any of you parents who pay child support told your kids about your financial contribution to their care? Care to share your thoughts? | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:18:14 PM | Interesting. My first instinct was that there was something wrong with sharing that information with a child.
But then, when I think about it, I don't see it as wrong. Why not let them know, that you contribute to their care, and that you are there for them, even if you are not always physically there in person?
Something to ponder. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:31:44 PM | I have never gathered the bill money together and let my child hold it and tell her it was to take care of her. Seems odd. But then again obviously she knows it cost money to run a house and of course it's coming from me. But no I've never said "this is what I pay to take care of you."
Can I ask what your reason was? Does he think you don't help raise him? | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:49:40 PM | I’m not sure exactly why I did it, and I did have second thoughts about it. I suppose I wanted him to know that both parents contribute financially to his food, clothing, shelter and expenses, not just his mother. I’ve been very active in parenting him since he was a babe, but he was surprised to learn that I contribute to all his expenses, not just those incurred while he is with me.
As you said of your daughter, “she knows it cost money to run a house and of course it's coming from me.” My son assumed the same – that it all came from his mother. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/1/2008 11:37:43 PM | | I think it's a bit wierd. I can see that it teaches him how to manage money and being responsible, but in some sense you're also telling him that he's just a dollar value to you and he'd have to feel indebted to you. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/1/2008 11:54:08 PM | Although I have never told my daughter how much I pay in child support I have let her know that I do pay.
Actually I told her a few years ago when she said that her mom when they were out clothes shopping wouldn't buy her something because it cost too much. My daughter said that maybe I could contribute somethng towards it. I told her in addition to the child support I pay for half her clothes, used to pay half her daycare and 1/2 of all other expenses such as dance lessons etc... She didn't know, she just thought her mom paid for everything. Needless to say I was not pleased that my daughter thought that I didn't pay for anything for her.
I think it is important for the child to know that the NCP pays child support, not how much though. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/1/2008 11:56:24 PM | My kids know I don't work outside of the home and that their dad pays support money. I don't think I will ever go into any great detail about it though as I could almost see the older one (10) getting it into his head that he is entitled to more stuff... if he knew the amount I get for child support. (He still has a hard time differentiating (sp) between wants and needs. He also does not fully understand the basic cost of living... bills, groceries etc.)
Have you spoken to your Ex about it? The way that you describe your son thanking you over and over, I wonder if he will now think he is entitled to more stuff... or be throwing it in his moms face the next time she says no to something he wants. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 12:16:24 AM | | My ex and I try to keep any of the interactions between us away from our son. All he needs to know is we both love him and care for him. That's just us though, I don't see anything wrong with you telling that to your kiddo, just not something I would do personally. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 12:44:40 AM | | I don't find it odd at all. It'd not like you are making a big deal out of it or are acting all resentful. It's just another part of living we all have to pay the bills, why shouldn't the children see where the money goes. Most of my banking is done on the weekend and daughter is with me. She helps by trying to keep a running total in her head bless. Good mathemetics practice for her. But paying bills, whatever they are is a part of life just like shopping, child support is another bill. It's a good idea for your children tto know the value of money. | |
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TRI ON
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Joined: 12/6/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 7:34:30 AM | I don't see a problem with it as long as the ncp also tells the child that the cp is also contributing just as much so to speak. I think that kids can start to take sides when they "think "one parent is doing more than the other and will start to blame one or the other parent when they think the parent they are with, at the time, seems to be having a harder time.
I tell my son (11 yrs) everything but i make sure to let him also know, ( when the why's start to be asked) that his mom does a great job too. He seems to be alot happier that his mom and i love and take care of him together nad just as much. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 8:27:35 AM | My son is going to be nine. I have started to explain about money to him since he is starting to ask for more things and more expensive things. I don't feel I need to go into great detail about rent costs this much, food this much and so on. But I do tell him that the important bills are also the most expensive. That we need to eat, be warm, have clothes and shelter before i can buy him the movie or the game he wants. He understands it but is struggling with the idea of credit cards. (He thinks my debit card is a credit card) I tried explaining to him that it is linked to my bank account, but he isn't making that connection yet. His father doesn't help in any way, so it does all come from me. But if he did I would let him know that daddy and I have to pay for his clothes and other items before he can get movies and games or really expensive items. I am however considering having him sit down and figure out a budget that allows for him to do all the things he wants. With my help of course. He is asking me for another cat. So i'm thinking of telling him that if he can figure out how to pay for it, I will get it for him. I don't think 9 is too young for them to know about finances. I do think it's too young for them to be thinking about daddy pays this much and mommy pays this much. I think that's too much. But you know your son so if he can handle it then he can.  | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 8:33:45 AM | | I don't think he made his son feel 'indebted' as some here suggest. I think there is nothing wrong with showing him some financial things like this is how Dad pays his bills, see we have the heat, the garbage, etc. And kids don't really think about things like that, as you said, he had no idea that you contributed. I only think it would be a problem if you approached it with the attitude that his mom may not be spending this money on the things it's intended for. Then I think we're getting into a grey area that kids don't need to be involved in. I think you're fine with what you told him. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 9:55:55 AM | | Why shouldn't kids be involved in the bill paying? As long as you don't carry on like it is a horrible chore and you don't include them in the decision to pay the heat or buy medications this month, they need exposure to these lessons. When they graduate and are in the real world, if you haven't shown them these things, how will they do it themselves? Yes, kids need to know where money comes from, where it goes and what you get for it, and how to use it wisely. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 12:27:34 PM | When I used to pay child support, I made dam sure the kids knew where the money was coming from and that I wasn't going to work everyday to avoid them. Just like now, I make sure they know that they go to daycare, not because I don't want to spend time with them, but if I don't go to work, I can't make money for food or anything else. especially when they ask me to go shopping every other day (like we used to when I was with my ex). My daughters are only 4 and 3, but they ask questions about it.
Being in the position of paying support, and now not receiving any, I say that kids need to know, if you are supporting their living, love them, and are there for them, and that the parent who is taking care of them, doesn't support them 100% from their own labours, doesn't matter what age. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 1:29:00 PM | | why give kids the added pressure when they dont' need it. Jrisme, sorry but you sound pretty bitter, it's not the kids fault that their mother doesn't help support them, why put the guilt and them being indebted if you tell them you pay for this and that. It's fine to be vague about it, but noneed to rub it in their face that you pay for this or that. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 1:43:39 PM | | wanderbaby, do you think a married parent telling their kids they don't have money for heelies is wrong too? I don't see how either of those men are making their kids feel "indebted". I think 3 and 4 might be a little young for them to understand, but they are his kids and he knows what context he's putting these conversations in. I don't think either one of them have come off as rubbing anything in these kids' faces. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 2:39:28 PM | He is 9. Hardly old enough to understand the concept of money fully. If you hand him ten 20 dollar bills that seems like a lot of money to him..... Let's face it.... probably more than he makes in allowance in a year.
I don't think children should be brought into the child support issue at all.
My son is 16 soon to be 17 and until this year... he had no idea how this was being handled. He knew I was giving his mother some money to help support him but the dollar amount was never discuss until my ex brought it up.
It has been 2 years now and when I first left I was giving almost half my income to them to ensure his lifestyle didn't change just because I was leaving. After the first year I dropped it by half. My ex decided to then go to child maintenance and have an order drawn up. I still agreed to pay almost double of what I was required which again cut the amount by more than half of what I was giving her up to this point.
She was so angry that she decided to involve him in it.... telling him how much and how it kept getting cut in half. Then and only then did I have the conversation with him about how much I pay and how much I was supposed to pay.
I can say for sure..... I NEVER would have discussed it with him had she not brought it up. It is not their business and you are asking a child (or teen in my case) to understand an adult issue. It's not fair to them and sorry OP it sounds to me like you just wanted to make yourself look good in front of your son at his expense.
No a good idea in my book. But that is just me. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 2:49:02 PM | Although I do not have children I can share 3 similar experiences:
The first is my childhood:
When I was 12 years old my parents sat me down and explained why money was tight for them as they were paying for my bracesand why there was no money for me to go see a movie that month. They showed me their bills and pay stubs and explained the cost of food and hockey registration and equipment for me and the cost of figure skaing for my sister. This made me appreciate the value of money and how hard m,y parents worked to provide extra curiccular activites for my sister gand I. Now my parents have been married for over 36 years so they share everything.
The next story OP can illustrate what can happen when 2 people get divorced.
I had a girlfriend about 8 years ago who was going to university. Her parents were divorced and her mother had custody of her (for the most part) while she was growing up. Her father was required to pay child support until my (now ex) girlfriend finished university.The child support was paid to my girlfriend's mother not to my girlfriend and her mother was supposed to pass on the money to my girlfriend. This is where things get a little strange. My girl friend's father one day asked her what she was doing with the money her father was paying in child support. He even mentioned the amount but I can not remember what that amount was at he moment. Anyway my girlfriend insisted that she recieved $20 less each month. She went back to her mother who insisted she gave her daughter every enny given to her for child support while she was in university. Her father showed her bank statements which proved the man was paying $20 more each moth than his daughter was recieving. Clearly my ex girlfriend was not getting everything she should have. So yes tell your child you pay support and maybe how much depending on their age.
The third story is that of a cousin I grew up with and his father (my mother's brother)
I went to school and played hockey with my cousin. His mother had everyone convinced that my uncle did not pay child support. He moved to a different part of the country and in the 1980's it was harder to keep in contact than it is today. Anyway my cousin and basically all of my relatives on my mom's side of the family believed his father (my uncle) was not paying child support and was not a part of the child's life and how well she was doing with keeping her sn's life normal by having him play sports and buying him the latest video game systems (my cousin had a an atari video game system and later a Nintendo) bought him bikes a computer and various other "toys" The gifts on birthday and Christmas were always marked "From mom"
Years later my uncle and I met at a family reunion. My mother and I asked him why he did not pay child support . He insisted that he did and later showed us receipts for child support payments he made and receipts for bikes, video games and other things he had purchased. We arranged for my cousin and my uncle to meet and when my uncle showed his son the reciepts and explained that when he phoned my cousins mother would just hang up the phone. It caused my cousin to change what he thought of his father.
Your children maybe should not know what things cost but they should know wat you give/provide for them. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 5:09:51 PM | Hmmmmm...... my two and a half cents worth (inflation) ...
My kids are 8 and 11, they have the big ol wish list just like every
kid does that is ever influenced by mega media and wantin to keep
up with the Gusipeies. Sometimes things get a lil tight and there is
too much month at the end of the money. I just try and explain the
things we are responsible for and that if we save together we can get
what they want except for the life size Barbie Corvette 
I had the gulp of guilt a while back when I was a wee bit too tired
and I brought up the support issue, I think it made all of us real
uncomfortable. Kids love thier parents... for good or bad until the day
comes that they make a choice about their lives and the ones that their
parents lead. If you complain that your not getting something from the ex
or that the ex did this or didnt do that, the kids feel confused and hurt.
They veiw it as an attack on someone they care about. So in my case I dont
want my kids in the middle. I'd rather they just learn to help get what they want
the good old fashioned way...... whine and cry and scream! 
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 6:40:01 PM | Difficult subject... and I think that it really depends on how the parents specifically deal with the child as to how they respond to it (i.e. feel indebted, grateful, etc....)
My specific situtation... I have a 9 year old son, who has been known to sit on my lap while I work on the computer (worry not... I don't do POF stuff when he's here... that would be *rather* inappropriate). He has been here while I have been paying bills, and was suprised at how much utilities (gas and electric), the mortgage, phone/internet, property taxes, etc, are.... and exactly what would happen if I didn't pay each one.
I think that having some vague idea as to where the household income goes to does give him a reasonable understanding of why I say "No, you can't have a new gaming system".
Honestly, I haven't told him that we get no support from his father. The last time either of us saw him was the day our son turned one month old.... and I don't think our son even has an understanding that child support even exists. If he asks, I will tell him... but there is really no reason to get into that, other than to sound bitter and b*tchy. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 7:11:52 PM | He already said why he told him that...they were at the bank. A conversation ensued. lol Why is everyone so quick to get on a witch hunt here? We all raise our kids differently, and unless someone is abusing a child, no one here has the right to tell another how to do it.  | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 8:27:03 PM | I don't think it's weird if you know in your heart that you weren't taking a stab at your ex, and driving a point home through him that the two of you have disputes about. If his surprise was simply because he was learning about money, and this was part of the way you were teaching him, then fine. If he was surprised because his mother says you don't do anything to help...yada, yada, yada...then it's wrong IMO.
My son accompanied me to the bank machine many times, and I was a single mom who wasn't receiving child support. That wasn't the issue. The problem came about when he wanted something, I told him we couldn't afford it, and wondered why I didn't just go to the machine to take money out. That's when I knew it was time to let him know about the finer points of putting some in. | |
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| I told my son (9) I pay his child support
Posted: 2/2/2008 9:26:14 PM | | I think its important that the child know that their parents are both equally involved. I am actually at a loss right now. I just had my son's child support raised for the first time in 10 years. I could have done it 3 times before this, but I didn't. Also I had him pay me directly instead of going through the courts as we did in the beginning. This was all before direct deposit was an option. Anywhosit, the court didnt recognize the payments that he made directly to me and so therefore they thought he owed back child support. They were going after him for that. Well I told them I didnt want to go for back child support, I just knew that he was making more money than he was 10 years ago and that I am raising a teenage son and that support need to be higher. Now he has my son believing that I did something awful and lied to the courts and said he wasn't paying me support. So he is trying to sue for custody of my son. He lied in front of me to the courts and also lied to the courts about his salary. I caught it because I had done my homework before I pursued the issue. He got caught and got mad. Now my son is mad at me too. It's not easy being the mother in a thankless job. I am curious what the men think on this one. I always thought that if the money was going to your child albeit it might go towards rent, lunch money, movies, socks, cough syrup etc.. then I would want to make sure that my child was getting everything I could possibly give to them. Why would they want the parent that has the majority of the custody to struggle, and keep the child living in that kind of stressful environment just so they can be the disney land dad? That's an earful. | |
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