| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 6:43:07 PM | My gf was living with me for the past year. Most times we got along great, and went through some really tough times together, however the last 2 months she was really distant towards us as a family (I have a six year old son from a previous marriage). I kept asking her what was wrong but she always said nothing, she was just stressed. Well a week ago, I asked again and she told me she didn't know why she was being so distant. At that point I suggested that she move out, as I felt I was giving 110% and she was giving 50%. I don't think she is involved with anyone, as I have asked her directly and she said no. I do believe her. She is in some kind of life funk, she is 35 never had kids. She knows I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her, but at this point her behavior is unacceptable to me. She was very upset and cried but did not try to talk me out of it, we did everything very amicably. She moved out the following day and we talked on the phone the next day at length. She told me I was her best friend, and that I treated her like gold, she wants to give me 110%, she knew I was being tolerant about her behavior and felt it was unfair to me. She said that maybe we needed this as a couple because I just came out of a marriage into this relationship and maybe she rushed me. I don't think this is the case, but I listened anyway. She is going to see a therapist she has some childhood issues, and in the past she sabotaged good relationships for no apparent reason. She doesn't want to do this with us, so she said she is going to take this time to figure it all out. I have tried to have limited contact with her as it is really painful. Towards the end I was complaining to my friends alot about her behavior and was in some way relieved when it was done. However I realize after 1 week that I really love her and miss her. I am not desperate or needy, nor am I the jellous type. She has told me that I am the love of her life, but needs top figure out what is wrong with herself.
I am finding as the days go by I want to contact her, but trying not to as I want her to come back on her own. I am trying to apply the "if you live someone let them go if they come back than they are yours", but its really tough. Today I sent her a text message saying that I hoped she was having a good day and then added that I missed her, she sent me one right back and told me that she missed me as well. Any suggestions on how I can better keep it together? I do hope that we end up together, I feel universally pulled towards her as I think she is my soulmate. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:01:33 PM | How long has it been since you guys have been seperated?
I understand that this hard for you and you miss her. 
I've heard it takes at least 21 days to get someone out of your system and actually start coming out of the haze a little bit to get your bearings.
I suggest you cut off all contact completely and give yourself some time. If 2 months go by, 5 months go by and you're still feeling the same way and so is she, then you should consider couple therapy and work it out. 
I'm not saying you won;t end up back together. But a little time apart will help you both.
If you get back together right away, she won't have had time to evaluate herself and things will go back to the way they are. You will be in a vicious cycle. 
You CAN do this! I promise. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:01:40 PM | you and I aren't too different. I will say this: based upon the title of your post...there is no way she was the love of your life. The love of your life will give you what you give them and take what you take from them.
let me rephrase that abit. I felt no feel the same way about my ex fiance, but that will never be. For the longest all I could see was the good. I ignored the bad. I did not see that she was only taking. She is not a happy person. She tries to be happy, but she isnt. She uses people. however this is about you not me. When you enter a relationship you should do so as a whole person not an unhappy one. The same goes for her. You can not take from someone elses pot and expect that there is going to be more. You can not go to the well too many times. Sometimes you have to share. Whats that mean? it means You need to stop being co-dependent, and also need to stop dating co-dependent people. I know, I have Co- issues. I am much better today than I used to be, but it is a problem.
The woman you are writing about sounds exactly like my ex. In many ways. My ex was Co-dependent and her thinking was that two co's are better than one...eeep wrong! You ex sounds co-dependent and if she was in a funk may or may not have depression issues. take into concideration never having kids and also entering mid life, I'd say she was goingto move on and had little or no emotional commitment to you. You were right in ending it. She was an anchor, a taker. I wish I had this advice I am giving you a year ago. I would not have sufered the heart break I am recovering from. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:02:18 PM | Gosh akmusic, I think this is probably the hardest when your other says they need space....I feel for ya. So here is some different ways/suggestions/advise to not call her.
1- Delete, delete, delete
erase her number from your phone that way you won't call her if you don't have her # (this only helps though if you are like alot of people and don't know her number by heart
2- Make her ringer silent so you will always miss her call, that you can think about calling her back
3- Inlist a friend to take your calls so that everytime you feel like calling her you call them instead
4- Change her name in your phone book to "do not call instead of her name" or "do not answer" if she is the one always calling you
Hope this helps the only other thing I can say is give her some space, if she comes back she's worth it to you and your son if not well....there are "plenty of fish in the sea" and although you may not see it now one day you will get over it.
Best of Luck! | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:21:09 PM | | Through thick and thin,,, gee someone gets depressed and you throw her out... is that how you would like to be treated? Think about it, you may have just suggested that she seek counseling, go get her back and be more supportive, help her out and stop worrying about how much you are giving... in the end it will all even out. believe me | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:21:29 PM | OP, I quote you to make my point:
Towards the end I was complaining to my friends alot about her behavior and was in some way relieved when it was done.
I'm with Nortatem on this...How can she be the love of your life when she's not giving you what you need? You seriously need to meditate and think about why you were relieved. Seriously. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:25:31 PM |
She used to give me exactly what I wanted and more, she was awesome and treated my son like he was hers, so I know she has it in her. She just appears lost to me, and I want her to find her old self again. She thinks she is depressed, she is being proactive about it.
My ex pulled the same thing. Gave me more than I wanted and then little or nothing.
Why don't the both of you try some therapy together, could be worth it.Hope it works out.
I sugested that to my ex and she refused to go. I hope your ex will go to therapy with you. If not then do not call her for 90' days start dating in a month or two and see what happens, she might call you first. | |
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miffys
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Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 12 | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:52:05 PM | | I know from experience . . . she is definitely depressed. Do you think punishing her is going to get you what you want? Is the relationship only hinged on what makes YOU feel good? What you want, what you need? Right now, she needs you and you have abandoned her. If you really loved this woman, you would insist that she go first to a doctor to rule out anything physical then help her out if she needs to see a psychotherapist . Taking her for walks might help, as well. It did me. When the love of my life couldn't stand it after a week of my moping around, he said "I can't stand this" and grabbed me by the hand, told me to put on my comfy shoes and dragged me out for a walk. It helped -- and so did the one the next day and the day after that until it became a date every day. My depression went away. It couldn't hurt. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:54:00 PM | | Maybe anything. We don't know what is going on in her brain. If you think she's your soulmate, then it's up to you to examine what that's all about. Give her a chance, and maybe, just maybe, what she is able to contribute equals 100% in her book. Why you expect someone to give what they don't have, just cuz you have it? We're not all equal & tit for tat. Everyone comes from a different experience and has issues pertaining to those events. Some of which you may not ever know. Not everyone has a perfect existence. Does she make you happy? Therin lies the answer to your question. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:57:24 PM | | To shortand sweet, I asked her what she wanted, she said she wanted to be alone. I took the courage for her and made it easier. Sec ondly my son does not need to have a new woman withdraw from him, he loves her and she pushed herself away, he already has had his parents split up a year and a half ago...enough is enough. You can only help someone so much and I did everything possible that I could. We will see what happens. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:59:06 PM | | So she has a funk & you ask her to move out instead of supporting the family unit? I say, as soon as anyone exhibits any symptom of negativity, you kick em to the curb, and make their lives worse. Don't be there for them, cuz you know you wouldn't want anyone to be supportive of you if you were going through a crisis. And no one ever goes through a crisis that is worthy. Right? | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:59:39 PM | I spent three years in a relationship with someone who gave nothing. Yeah, I know, my bad. When one person consistently (key word here) gives all and you get nothing back, it's no good. The love of your life is only the love of your life if they give as well as getting. Temporary setbacks are to be expected in life. Two months is nothing. You kinda screwed up by kicking her out after a relatively short interval of bad behaviour.
Disclaimer: If I make no sense blame it on the Pats losing the game...Grrrr | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:28:51 PM |
So she has a funk & you ask her to move out instead of supporting the family unit? I say, as soon as anyone exhibits any symptom of negativity, you kick em to the curb, and make their lives worse. Don't be there for them, cuz you know you wouldn't want anyone to be supportive of you if you were going through a crisis. And no one ever goes through a crisis that is worthy. Right?
The funk of what he spoke about waS only part of the problem. She does sound not only co-dependent but sounds like she has depression and anxiety issues. That means not only does she need space from time to time, but it gets worse and not better even with medications and therapy. Mine dumpped me cause I wanted to help. BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP! he dumped her and though many of you might think he jumped the gun. I took mine back 3 times. he did the right thing. It is a catch 22. You want to help her but you cant, you love her, but it is unhealthy to re,main entangled. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/4/2008 11:49:01 AM | I agree with sugar magnolia:
When one person consistently (key word here) gives all and you get nothing back, it's no good. The love of your life is only the love of your life if they give as well as getting. Temporary setbacks are to be expected in life. Two months is nothing. You kinda screwed up by kicking her out
Conflicting messages...she withdraws, you kick her out. And yet you think she's going to figure this all out and come running back? Maybe she thinks YOU should be the one to un-kick her out.
Maybe you're not meeting her needs either. I think "being there" for another person--loving them--is not demonstrated by withdrawal OR by kicking them out. If your door is indeed open, you need to tell her that--or if then you want to move on...tell her. If you're THERE for her to get her head straightened out, well, that is a really supportive thing to tell her. How about this for a discussion: figure out a set amount of time to work on her issues and, at an agreed upon time, you get together to reassess. Open-ended "needing time for myself" is bewildering, because nobody knows what to do next. Give some regard to "the relationship" and establish a foundation of boundaries, which will help each of you own your involvment with each other as well as your dedication to your individual needs. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/4/2008 1:07:32 PM | If she's seeing a therapist because she hasn't worked out her childhood issues by the age of 35 and has a history of sabotaging relationships, then I suggest you back off until she deals with her problems. Unhealthy people can't have healthy relationships.
I also suggest you stop messing with her head by one day kicking her out, the next week texting her love messages. If you can't stand not being in touch for a whole 7 days, maybe you also have some issues to work though. She might need 7 MONTHS of therapy, and if you care, you'd give her some peace.
How do you keep it together? I don't know-- you just do. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/4/2008 2:05:24 PM | Hi, OP -- I agree with message 2, but also:
How did SHE rush YOU if you're the one who is hurting and wanting more? This may be an excuse on her part as to why you are trying harder.
I know you love her and you miss her, but please trust me when I state how DAMAGING it is to your self-esteem when you care, or try more, than your "partner." I am NOT saying that she is mean, or hurting you on purpose; rather, just saying that you need to occasionally watch out for yourself.
Please consider that you may want her more because you can't have all of her. In the long run, you just wind up empty, because you gave WAY more of yourself than the other person did. I believe you are not desperate or needy, as I, too, am someone who tends to give "more" of themselves.
Just remember: Though you should give without expecting to receive, consider that giving really does = minus, or subtraction. If someone doesn't "add" to that once in a while -- via spending time with you, talking to you about your concerns, making YOU feel special, committing to you, or whatever -- YOU are in the deficit. This is okay to an extent, but eventually it takes it's toll. TRUST ME, I know. | |
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| The love of my life was not meeting my emotional needs so I ended it, what now?
Posted: 2/4/2008 5:13:00 PM | Man I know exactly what your going through, not the same situation, but same senareio. Its very hard when there is such a un-balance ground of emotion in a relationship meaning when one gives more emotion into the relationship then the other. Problem in mine is she doesnt know how she feels. We are on a break right now and i constintly want to call her or talk to her but I dont know if that would do any good. Most cases when there isnt the proper comunication there are many things left unsaid, things that wanted to be said but you dont say it cause your unsure what the other person is thinking or feeling.
so try sending her an email on how you feel and that way you have said what u need to say, if she doesnt respond then move on. As much as we love or care for someone we cant wait forever.. life is too short.
Best of luck | |
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