| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 7:05:13 AM | Recently got married to a lovely lady that had children from a prior marriage and I ahve children also from a prior marriage. My children are not living with us, but I have told my children that when it came down to who I would support or back , I would always back my wife.
My wife's kids are younger (14 yr old boy, and 20 yr old girl). Before we got married she made it clear that she was a package deal and she had a son. The problem is with the daughter who moved in two months after we got married. She is disrespectful and she doesn't follow the rules of the house, clean your room, clean your clothes, and she wants to stay up all nite and sleep until 1:00 PM before she goes to work at 2:00 PM. I spoke several times to the wife about getting her to conform, but her daughter walks all over the mother. Last week things came to a head after I was asked to go get her to do something after her mother asked thre times to do the same thing. I told her do now! I then confronted the daughter telling her how I didn't like the fact that she was not obeying her mother. Told her this was the last time on that. Then told her that she needed to develop a chore list and she would be getting up earlier than 1:00 PM. She told me she worked, which I told her EVERYONE WORKS. She then smarted off again, and I asked her if she had plans for Friday, she said she did, and I told her to cancel the plans that she was staying home. She told me that she wouldn't, and I told her she could OR she could find another place to live.
The wife got upset because I confronted the daughter. She also told me that the punishment was not appropriate for the crime. I asked her what was I to do, and was told that when she wised off to her Dad, he woudl slap her. I told her I WOULDN'T DO this and the punishment was appropraite. The wife said she wouldn't support me.
The question is this. Who in a relationship should come first? The wife should support the husband or support the children. So you know our relationship is very fractured due to my wife saying she would always have the Children come first over her Husband. | |
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Icene
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Joined: 6/26/2007
Msg: 2 | |
| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 7:47:50 AM |
after I was asked to go get her to do something after her mother asked thre times to do the same thing.
Who asked you to confront the daughter? If it was her mother, then I don't see why she's upset about your chosen form of punishment. Why would you be asked to do the confronting if not to present a new approach?
I asked her what was I to do, and was told that when she wised off to her Dad, he woudl slap her. I told her I WOULDN'T DO this and the punishment was appropraite.
Oh dear, yeah that wouldn't have gone over well. Physical violence is never an acceptable course of action. I'm amazed she would suggest a man hit her own daughter. That just boggles my mind.
As for your question, the husband and wife are supposed to be a unit. If you had hit her daughter, I could understand why she would not present a united front and instead confront you. You didn't do that, so in my opinion she should be backing your play. Whatever disagreements she has with your method of handling the situation shouldn't be in full view of the children (although 20 years old is not exactly a child anymore...).
Children do come first, but coming first and supporting each other are not the same thing. You can support each other while putting the children first if you both agree on what that means. It sounds like you don't agree on a couple of key issues. Discipline and when the welfare of the children takes precedence over the support of the spouse. This isn't an issue of a child's welfare, so her support of you shouldn't be in question.
We're only hearing one side of things of course and conflicts tend to be complex. Based on your statements, I'd say she should be backing your play rather than subverting your efforts. I think she should be handling the discipline of her children, but if she was the one who asked you to handle it...then she has no cause to complain. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 8:02:35 AM | | If the daughter moved in after the marriage, that tells me she's an adult. She is no longer a child and can learn to take care of herself in her own apartment and paying her own bills. No matter what excuse, a kid of 18 is able to support themselves. My parents bought me luggage when I was 18 with the suggestion that I make use of it, and it was the best thing they ever did for me. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 8:15:55 AM | The parent always comes first...and if you are put in the position of disciplining her child(at 20 she isn't a kid) she needs to back you up...regardless if she likes your choice of punishment or not.
I don't always agree with my bf and his decisions regarding my kids...but I support him 100% to ensure my kids always listen to and respect him.
Does she pay rent? Or does she live there for free? | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 8:28:00 AM |
Who in a relationship should come first?
I don't think it's right to put anyone first. You support the one who's in the right. In this case, this woman is clearly abusing you and your space.
Your wife ought to see this and not support her because she is her daughter. She is doing something wrong and your wife needs to cool of her maternal instincts and realize that her daughter is wrong. Your wife should take your side in this case.
You shouldn't have let this young woman move in just like that. It's time she moves out. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 8:36:56 AM | I'm in a similar position - my bf is moving in and I have a (mouthy) prepubescent daughter. Our agreement up front is - discipline is my responsibility and he will back me 100%, but he (and rightly so) does not want to be put in a position to discipline my daughter. I think your problem lies in that your wife's attempts are ineffectual (asked her to do something 3 times). By stepping in, you are only building up resentment - even if you had been invited to do so. Might I suggest that rather than stepping in, you support/encourage her to be more effective.
Speaking from experience (exhusband) - discipline of step children (even grown stepchildren) has the potential for disaster to a couple's relationship. Come to an agreement as to how to handle future incidents - and stick to it.
Best of luck to you. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 8:42:55 AM | Parents should have th e same rules and guidelines for children and support each other when the need for punishment arises.
That being said. We are talking about a 20 yr old young lady not a child. The groundrules should have been laid down when she moved into your home. If they were not I think its time for a talk with your wife to set these rules and them have a family meeting. The thing about rules is, if they are not enforced right of the bat they become meaninleass. You have to set the consequences and then follow through. Your wife is making you look like the bad guy here. CALL THAT FAMILY MEETING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Good Luck.........its not easy for parents to be on the same page with biological children. I'm sure its especially hard with step children. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 8:47:43 AM | Not to set you off or anything, but does your wife know you're coming on a public forum to talk about your family issues and if she does, is she OK with it?
You're in a tough spot. I think you and your wife need to do some alone time and get on the same page about parenting. The daughter sounds like she has issues that might be served with some counseling. If her dad still hits her at her age, that's not good. And there you are the stepdad and that's probably not very attractive to her either. No matter what, if you and your wife differ on how to deal with the kids, there is going to be real trouble ahead and until that's resolved, you trying to guide your stepdaughter at all is going to be problematic.
I don't think telling your stepdaughter what you expect of her while in the house, in the heat of your frustration and what sounds like a tense conflict, is a good idea either. Those expectations should be made clear in the most positive manner possible and when everyone is in full control of their emotions. Both you and your wife need to decide what you both want to come of her living there ( for her good and her future ) and then together sit down in a non-aggressive way with her and explain how you both feel about it and what you expect. Don't respond to her antagonizing you, don't respond to any nasty tone of voice. Show her that you respect her right to her viewpoint and feelings. She is, after all, a legal adult now not a child. If after you both explain how things are going to go in the household and her responsiblities in it, she still continues disrupting things it would be fair at that point for you both and together present a united front that she has two choices now: 1) conform or 2) move out and run her own household elsewhere.
It does not serve her future to allow her to behave as if an adult has no responsibliites to themselves or those around them. Her mom is not doing her any service by allowing her to have wreckless disregard for other family members.
Good luck. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 9:45:00 AM | | Op, I’m stunned. You can’t act like a dad to your wifes 20 year old. – Bossing her around, telling her when to get up in the morning, when to go to bed and even go to the length of punishing her. It sounds to me like you have some serious control issues. She’s a young woman and not really any of your concern. If you really can’t cope with her staying as a guest (because that’s what she is) in the house, you should discuss that with your wife. I assume that she, as an equal partner, agrees to the house rules, so it should be easy for her to present them to her daughter. She is old enough to take the consequences of her own actions and choices and will find that some rules apply wherever she chooses to live. I think you should stay out of it and leave it to your wife to make the right decision for herself knowing what your terms are. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 10:25:43 AM |
Bossing her around, telling her when to get up in the morning, when to go to bed and even go to the length of punishing her. It sounds to me like you have some serious control issues. She’s a young woman and not really any of your concern. I still disagree. It's the parent's house which means their rules. I'm 37 and I still follow whatever rules my mom and step-dad have for me when I'm with them, and I don't even live there. If I don't like those rules, I can stay in a hotel when I visit. Even though my step-dad didn't come into the picture until I was 22, I respect that the household is the domain of him and my mother and that once an adult I have no "natural" rights there. I only have right to not live there and to make my own life. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 10:29:16 AM |
Bossing her around
I don't see anywhere in OP's posting where he says he's doing that. He is simply trying to get her to act like an adult in a shared household and not like a spoiled brat.
She’s a young woman and not really any of your concern.
She lives in his household and she is none of his concerns?
If you really can’t cope with her staying as a guest (because that’s what she is)
She is? I thought the OP said she had moved in......
OP has a right to demand that anyone sharing his household should do their fair share of housework and behave. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 10:47:26 AM | Oh man, you're in very, very dangerous quick sand, and there's not a heck of a lot you can do...up against 2 rather pissed off women that don't want their boat rocked, well, you might as well start your praying! She either supports you or she doesn't and you can't make her. What now? Nothing, unless you're prepared to end your marriage over it, or she comes around to your way of thinking. *sigh* This is a very bad, evil, ugly place to be in.
You're in the eye of the storm, and I feel very badly for you. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 11:08:25 AM | op,
This is a delicate situation... did she live with her father before this? If he gets physically violent, putting her back to that scenerio would be really bad. She feels out of place....and trapped. Not knowing where to go...... take her act of disrepect as a cry for help....and sit down and talk to her.... let her know that her feelings are valid and together you need to try to make things work.
She is 20, but is she able to get out on her own? and not get trapped into working and leaving her education behind? She doesn't sound like she is the type of a person that would make much $$. So you are essentially stuck with her until she either get's married or she finds someone else to move in with.
This is a time to step back..... and assess the situation for what it really is....It has nothing to do with the clothes or cleaning her room.~T~ | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 11:13:11 AM |
I still disagree. It's the parent's house which means their rules. I'm 37 and I still follow whatever rules my mom and step-dad have for me when I'm with them, and I don't even live there. If I don't like those rules, I can stay in a hotel when I visit. Even though my step-dad didn't come into the picture until I was 22, I respect that the household is the domain of him and my mother and that once an adult I have no "natural" rights there. I only have right to not live there and to make my own life
I’m saying she should be dealt with like a grown up capable of making her own choices and taking the consequences of them. If she doesn’t like the house rules, she should move. However: It should be the mother who presented it to her and she is also responsible for seeing to it that her daughter behaves according to the agreement she has with her husband. I sense that the real problem here is that OP and his wife haven’t really agreed on the rules to begin with.
I think it would be very unwise of OP to take on the role as an authoritarian toward her kids. It could result in life long resentment. – And grounding a twenty year old who’s not even his daughter; that’s just plain ridiculous. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 11:20:08 AM | | With all due respect to everyone STOP! OP it is time for professional mediation/counseling. Your attitude is not productive. Have the humility to recognize that and get the qualified help your new family needs. Great luck to you. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 11:39:50 AM | A 20 year old who was on her own, needs to be back out on her own. Give her 30 days to vacate and on moving day give her a month's rent to get started. Of course, I can tell you that your wife will not stand for this. You have a bigger problem than you think here. This marriage doesn't look good for staying put.
I'd almost say kick wife and daughter to the curb. This is why I prefer to date men with way grown kids, and if I met a guy, that would be an issue settled before marriage, that grown children will NOT be moving in with us. If they need help, give 'em money.
However to answer your question, yes you are right. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 4:11:22 PM | It's always hard when it's a blended family. Sometimes the kids don't feel they have to listen to the "step mom or dad" as it's not their "real" parent.
In your situation, your wife needs to lay down the rules with her daughter. That would be the day that my daughter would walk all over me! Your wife needs to be tougher with her daughter. This leaves you in a very awkward and hard spot....you try to discipline and it's not backed up by your wife as she's too soft.
Not sure what to say...just keep talking to your wife and find out what punishments she finds acceptable. Throw out some of your ideas and see how she feels about them. Try to come to some common ground where this is concerned.
A persons kids always come first. Now, saying that, when it comes to punishments, that's a different matter that needs to be worked on in blended families. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 4:15:33 PM | OP - call me old fashioned, but I'm a firm believer that the marriage comes first. If the children are little, then yes, their basic needs need to be tended to, since they are helpless (food, shelter, clothing, etc). There is a HUGE difference between the needs and wants of a child. I think there's too many parents out there that can't make the distinction. Eventually, children grow up and live their own lives. Hence, a middle age couple that have lost contact with each other (even if they do live in the same house), and eventually get divorced.
As far as your wife's children, it really isn't up to you to discipline them. However, if the children are being disrespectful or it can be a safety/health issue, then, you should address it with the child immediately. It's a shame your wife didn't support you. I think the 2 of you need counseling/guidance as to how to deal with the issue of the children. Your wife shouldn't feel like she has to choose between you or her children. At the same token, she needs to develop a back bone and tell her kids to shape up or ship out. If she can't do that, your marriage is in a heap of trouble. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/5/2008 4:37:21 PM | | My children, while they are under 18 and my responsibility, will ALWAYS come first. The decisions and discipline are my responsibility. I don't think that a man who came uninvited (by them) into their life should be the one disciplining them. Older children who come back home are a different matter; they should be treated like adults and be required to ACT like adults or leave. | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/6/2008 9:15:56 AM | What a response to my question. First of all, I appreciate all the responses and honesty.
One question was did my wife know I am on this site. The answer is yes. I stated that clearly in my profile. No, she does not know I put it into a forum, because it isn't a public forum.
Update: I received a card from my wife telling me that she overheard me talking to a old (girl) friend saying that I regretted getting married. After I finished the card, I immediately went to her to talk. I told her part of the reason why I was unhappy with the marriage was because of the fact that she wants to put her children before me, and if I had known that I would not have married her. I told her I had told my own children before and after the marriage that my wife always comes before them, but I would always still love them and I expected them to respect her as my wife. Her 20 yr old daughter was NEVER a part of the equation. She was living with her father, and he "showed her the door because she didn't want to obey his rules." My wife and I agreed on the rules of the house prior to her moving in. I also got the father to agree to support us on our decisions. (So everyone knows, it was my house prior to my wife moving into the house.) The daughter agreed to live by the rules, or move out.
Now, the wife thinks I am too demanding, but what is demanding about normal things like cleaning your room, cleaning your clothes, and helping out. Oh Well!!!! | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/6/2008 10:20:20 AM | Parenting 101: Providing a United Front.
1. Husband and Wife establish household rules together
1.a. determine steps to be taken if rules are broken
1.b. determine conditions when rules can be broken
2. Communicate rules to household | |
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| Advice/Opinion Needed- Who Comes First Husband or Kids?
Posted: 2/6/2008 11:06:12 AM | OP,
Have you thought about marriage counseling? I have a girlfriend who went through a similar situation, and she and her hubby went to counseling to help them solve their issues. And it worked.
It sounds to me like there might be other underlying issues besides the difficult step-daughter. Having a professional unbiased third party might help.
Just a suggestion. | |
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