| I really think I know better than to ask but...Am I just being played
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:07:26 AM | Here goes...
Met this guy about 2 years ago. Hit it off great. Great connection, great communications etc...but he would not take his profile down to see where the relationship would lead to, so I basically felt he really wasn't into me as much as I was him. He claimed all the goodies, ' I found what I have been looking for', 'I knew you were the one for me, the moment I saw you', 'I feel like a kid again, when I am with you'. etc...
We went out a few more times, and yet, his profile remained active. We talked about it and he felt that because he was online, it didn't mean he was actively looking for someone else. Mind you, it was still very early on in the relationship ( a couple of months) but the way I felt was that if he knew 'I was the one', why are you looking for another 'one'?
So I would try to forget about him, and every few months he would email me and profess these feelings all over again. He would claim that he would try to forget about me and couldn't. Everytime we reconnect, I felt we both dropped our guards even more and got closer to one another, emotionally.
We would try to set up another date to meet and either he or I would cancel due to ridiculous reasons. Mine was mostly based on fear, due to my feelings being pretty deep for him and yet I felt he had not earned my trust at this point.
This went on for about 2 years. Never saw each other again and yet we would reconnect and get closer emotionally. He would get close and then back off for a few days and this became his pattern with him. I am not one to chase guys, so I never went after him. I come from the school if he is not pursuing me, chances are he is not interested.
So here we are today, and he has contacted me, yet again. Mind you the last time we spoke ( about 6 months ago), we had a huge blowout and I told him to go F himself and leave me alone.
This guy stirs feelings in me like no other. I know that on the outside, he appears to be playing games with me, but I also KNOW deep down inside, he has major feelings for me and could be afraid to get hurt. He was hurt deeply years ago and imho, he is not over it.
Am I just being played and being mind f*cked? I can only go by my gut at this point and my gut tells me he is afraid of getting hurt, hence the hide and seek crap this guy pulls. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:11:39 AM | | I don't think either of you allowed things to develop from the dating mode to the exclusive mode. First you have to build the relationship, then when you ask to be exclusive, then take down the profile. Also if somebody tells you that they have special feelings for you, well, tell'm to prove it. But anyway, you're not there yet. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:16:22 AM | This guy, I am sure has women falling over him. I get the feeling he has never had to chase anyone. He would get upset because I never called him. I am just not wired that way.
But this has been going on for 2 years now. I'm fine. If we were not meant to be, stop contacting me and let it go. But he continues to reconnect with me, and I swear, it's the coolest 'high' in the world when he does.
It's like I KNOW we are trying to find a way to make this work, but we both have our own issues or whatever it is that we both have to overcome.
That, or this guy loves to mindf*ck me! I just don't know anymore. Most men cannot give me that 'high' that he does. ANd it's nothing he says or does, it's simply his presence. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:22:47 AM | It sounds to me like it's your fault. Sorry, but it does. Just because he has an active profile doesn't mean that he's actively seeking anyone else. I tend to keep my profiles active too rather I'm in a relationship or not. I like being able to make friends and I also enjoy reading and responding to the threads that are posted on here. So, are you sure that he was actively seeking someone else or was it just the fact that he still had a profile posted? Another reason it could be is that he was afraid of getting too committed too soon. There's also the fear that a relationship won't work out and you'd have to recreate the profile all over again. I would just stop being scared and talk to him further about it. See if you two can come to a mutual understanding of some kind.
Ed | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:26:36 AM | Ed,
So are you saying if you met a girl online and you told her she was the one, etc... and even though it was very early on in the relationship, you would still keep your profile active potentially sending mixed messages to the 'one'?
I dunno. I think that doing just that is messed up. Just keep the 'you're the one' comments to yourself and still keep your profile active until you know for sure/ | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:47:15 AM | I had a "relationship"(or,whatever the hell it was...???????) with a guy just like this..........................!!!
He was charismatic,entertaining,fuuny as all hell,and the highs were very,very high,while the lows made me miserable...
His calls & txts made my heart skip a beat,& not that many men have that affect on me...............
And,like you,OP,went on for a couple of years.......but,in the end,i realized it wasn't "advancing" at all....the same scenario was just being played over & over......
So,in the end,i ended it................
I really hope it all works out for you the way its supposed to....., | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 7:58:32 AM | | IF I WERE YOU , I WOULD PLAY HARD TO GET. IGNORE HIM, DONT ANSWER HIS EMAILS, CALL HIM, JUST LET HIM KNOW YOU KNOW HE TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION, BUT DONT GIVE IT TO HIM. IF HE KNOWS THAT YOU ARE NOT PLAYING HIS MIND GAME, HE MAY CHANGE UP THE RULES. OTHER WISE, TELL HIM YOU WANT HIM, THAT YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW HIM AND BE FRIENDS, BUT DONT EVER TRY TO CONTROL HIM, BY BRINGING UP THE SUBJECT OF THE PROFILE AND HIM DELETING IT. I JUST GOT OUT OF AN IGNORANT SITUATION LIKE THAT, I AGREED TO MEET THE GUY AFTER WE HAD CHATTED FOR A MONTH AND BEFORE WE MET, HE ASKED ME TO DELETE MY PROFILE, HELL NO. ANY WAY GOOD LUCK, I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR YOU. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 8:14:27 AM |
That, or this guy loves to mindf*ck me! I just don't know anymore. Most men cannot give me that 'high' that he does. ANd it's nothing he says or does, it's simply his presence.
Sounds to me like you are setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary hurt. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 8:24:48 AM | I agree with Outmind - sounds like the relationship never progressed normally because you put demands on him too soon. So - something's gotta give. If you still think the minute he starts dating you he should take him profile down - and he still thinks that's premature - you still have the same impasse.
One good definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results".
Mark
 | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 8:40:33 AM | Op i am afraid you're now the inbetween girl.... You're the girl that this guy falls back on when he has nothing else going on. He keeps his profile up because he knows you're really not the one to go the distance with and is looking for other options. He tells you what you want to hear so you will keep him around, but as soon as he find another potential victim, you're back on the back burner for another few months, long enough for him to see if the new girl is the one for him.
Don't let this ass hole mind f ck you anymore, show some pride and tell him to kiss your backside on the way out the door. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 11:37:28 AM |
Op i am afraid you're now the inbetween girl.... You're the girl that this guy falls back on when he has nothing else going on. He keeps his profile up because he knows you're really not the one to go the distance with and is looking for other options. He tells you what you want to hear so you will keep him around, but as soon as he find another potential victim, you're back on the back burner for another few months, long enough for him to see if the new girl is the one for him.
Don't let this ass hole mind f ck you anymore, show some pride and tell him to kiss your backside on the way out the door.
The funny thing is NOW.....my profile is up ( different site) and his is hidden. So now the tables are turned. I have no intentions of taking my profile down but I just don't know why he even bothers contacting me yet AGAIN, especially since I totally made him a new azzhole the last time we talked. He contacts me each time as if we never stopped talking.
This is the only guy that has had this stupid power over me. When he contacts me, I get this incredible 'high' and then a few days later, I crash again. It's sick, what he can do to me! And he probably has no idea the effect he has on me. If I had it my way, I would never speak to him again because it just causes this high/low rollercoaster and thats all I get. BUT he never stops!!! | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 12:09:09 PM | Sounds like fear on both of your parts....
Has he ever made a true commitment to you? If not, then he has every right to keep his profile up if he wishes to....and you do too. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 12:16:50 PM | Sounds like 2 years of going in circles. Is this what you want out of life? Somebody has to stop and walk away in a straight line and I doubt it'll be him,because this is working just fine in his estimation.
Cindy O | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 12:46:15 PM | Cindy O, I agree...I do feel like I am going in circles. AND I do want it to end. But HE keeps contacting me and call me crazy but I DO feel this amazing connection with him each and every time! Usually he will profess these feelings for me and want to see me and at the last minute, either he or I will cancel. I usually cancel because I can feel him pulling away and my feelings for him run deep, so to avoid going any further, I pull back as well.
Then we start this crazy cycle months later only to end in the same place. It's like the 2 of us really dig each other, but are petrified of getting hurt because the other person isn't giving what the other needs. I just wish I knew how to get him to stop contacting me if this is the best it will get. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 1:23:24 PM | It's like the 2 of us really dig each other, but are petrified of getting hurt because the other person isn't giving what the other needs
If nobody's needs are getting met in this ridiculous roundrobin, why is this even an issue?
just wish I knew how to get him to stop contacting me if this is the best it will get.
Gee, I dunno...do you think that saying " Stop contacting me, we are wasting each other's time, Have a nice life", might be a good place to start??
Look, outside of extremely unusual circumstances like war, for a connection between 2 people to not have either moved forward or self destructed in 2 freakin years is a pretty good sign that it wasn't meant to be.
We all have that connection, activity, food even that just "hits the spot" for us but we can see is NOT a healthy thing to keep around on a regular basis( says ladyc4 after having just eaten her 5th paczki in 2 days, thank Heaven they are only around for the few days before Lent lol) and you need to take a hard line with yourself about it( and I will,but there's 1 paczki in the box yet)
Just say goodbye!
Cindy O | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 1:39:22 PM | OP... Sounds as though you are letting infatuation over rule logic. The reason that he does it is not important, the feeling that you derive from the relationship, can be potentially harmful to you. You may have low self esteem issues, feel unworthy or a multitude of other issues. Bottom line, it is a dysfunctional relationship, at the least!
Step out of your box and look at the situation. If your best friend had a guy treating her this way what would you tell her? Would you tell her that she is allowing the guy to treat her like dirt, use her or he really cares for her?
As for an opinion... He knows that he can contact you and reopen the door whenever he wants. He most likely, is seeing other women and keeping you as a safety net. | |
|
| |
| |
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 2:52:09 PM | OP, You get a high from this guy because you hate yourself. What? What's that? Think about it like this -- he calls, you drop everything just for a chance to be with him (because you know he is unavailable). He likes it; you fool yourself into believing that it's love. He has said all these wonderful things to you and doesn't back them up with actions, yet you still believe him. Why? Because secretly you think that you don't deserve better, and you're willing to put up with his emotional abuse, because you hate yourself.
Learn to value yourself and ditch this abuser for good. You will never be happy the way things are and he has no reason to change. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 2:59:11 PM | Dude!!!
HATE myself?! I think you are way off on that one!
I don't drop anything for this guy but I do admit I get this high from him. I KNOW I deserve better, that is why I asked him to remove his profile when we started dating. Only because he was claiming all the goodies about me! I wanted the words to match the action!
The thing is .... he keeps coming back, claiming the goodies again, and it never comes to fruition. In the mean time, I get this high, high, high and after a few days, I come down and get low, low, low! It sucks that he has this affect on me. I have told him to leave me alone, but he keeps coming back. He has no idea that he has this affect on me. It;s between me and now this forum.
I KNOW I deserve better than someone that is all talk and no action. Trust me. But what gets me is his damn presence. It makes me crazy! I've never had someone affect me like that and trust me I am not easily impressed by words. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 3:13:36 PM | "If I had it my way, I would never speak to him again because it just causes this high/low rollercoaster and thats all I get."
Who the F is causing you to speak to him over and over and over? When I first read your post I was expecting a 20yr old. YOU ARE FRIGGIN 40 FOR THE LOVE OF...You need help. Go get it...NOW. | |
|
| |
| I really think I know better than to ask but...
Posted: 2/6/2008 3:45:03 PM | He is not doing anything to you, that you are not allowing!!!
Think more of yourself and stop allowing it!
When you choose to know you are worth more,
you will look back, and wonder what the he** the attraction
ever was!
Thats what it is all about!
 | |
|
OLT4U
|
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| I really think I know better than to ask but...Am I just being played
Posted: 2/6/2008 3:48:25 PM | | No, the guy is not just afraid of being hurt. He's an idiot. You aren't being played by him.... you are playing with him in his stupid little game of, "Well, lost another one, let's see what ggirl101 is up to, so I can massage my ego." He has major feelings for his ego, not you. Sorry, but that's the truth. | |
|
| I really think I know better than to ask but...Am I just being played
Posted: 2/6/2008 3:52:58 PM | Yes you're being played, over and over again. Anytime he feels the urge he contact you, push your buttons and play on your heartstrings all over again.
He's a manipulator and emotionally ( and perhaps in other respects) unavailable.
You don't need him, he doesn't need you. You're hooked on a feeling, the feeling is fantasy.
It is in no way represents the reality of whatever is going on between you.
Find a way to put him and this farce behind you. Time to live in the real world. | |
|
Home
login 
