| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:23:28 AM | A gentleman IMed me the other day and seemed quite charming, pleasant and polite - a nice change from some others who have tried to connect with me. After we had chatted two different times I was intrigued by some of the things he said about what he wanted in a relationship. We had the same sense of humor and looked for the same qualities in friends. These points were so close to my own priorities/wishes that I thought I should look at his profile again.
Here's where the question comes in. He likes the symphony and theater, I like classic rock, new country, and casual dates. He said that if we were dating, "I would have to dress up." This was after I told him that I neither have the funds for a closet full of fancy clothes nor the desire to wear them. I am clear in my profile about being " a blue jeans kind of gal." He started going on about a recent book he had read debunking the Christian faith, and telling me that he is an Atheist. This is when I said, "You do realize that I am a Christian?" His response was, "Now, that's a problem." We said good night at that point.
An hour or so later I emailed him and thanked him for being a gentleman, letting him know I had enjoyed our chat. He sent a nice email back in which he said it was good that our differences came to light.
Our differences would have been quite evident to him if he had read through the entire profile. Seems he skipped down from the photo to my forum posts without reading my "about me" section. The forum posts are what drew him to contact me in the first place.
Why wouldn't someone read the profile before contacting a person? Isn't the point of a site such as POF that we can meet compatible people?
TIA | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:41:49 AM | Why assume that he didn't read the profile? As helpful as it can be, often one can read too much or too little into what's being said. Examining your two points for example, just because someone lists their faith, there is no way to qualify it without going into detail in the 'about me' section. If you were to say something like "My faith is VERY important to me" then I can see a case, but if it's just the title of religion, it could be construed any which way (including 'I'm a non-practicing christian." As for the 'Blue Jeans" type of girl part, it's easy to read that as "I'm a regular woman who usually dresses down," but what not implicit there is that you wont dress up for an event that calls for fancier clothes.
Nonetheless, I would suggest that if there are deal breakers for you, to state them CLEARLY in your profile or in the first few emails that are sent if you're looking to avoid the dating process (which should be why we're all here anyway, but I digress).
Food for thought! :) | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:54:38 AM | Hi Martin,
I am not "looking to avoid the dating process," but rather trying to avoid misconceptions and disappointments. My interest section does mention contemporary Christian music too. Also, when I did have the phrase, "my faith is very important to me" in my profile, I received one first contact email in a 3 month period, along with more read/deletes of my first contact efforts than before that was added to my profile.
I do appreciate your comment about Christian/other not giving the viewer a clear idea of what my faith means to me. In the time I've been a member here at least four of the men I've contacted who have Christian/other in their profile say they believe in a higher power but do not read the Bible or attend a church. Not what I understand a Christian to be...but I do respect their honesty.
Also, the gentleman referred to in my OP did clarify to me that he would expect me to dress up all the time, not just occasionally. I guess he is more concerned about being seen than being comfortable. | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 7:47:36 AM | I think a lot of men just look at the pics & contact the pretty ones without even reading their profiles......................
Although,having said that,i dont have a pic & i had a guy emailing me who was intersted in fishing,bush walking,camping,etc.....ALL the things im NOT interested in !!
So,i emailed himback & asked if he'd read my profile coz i didnt think we had anything in common,& i got back a very hostile reply??
So,fuknose ?? LOL !! | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 8:39:42 AM | Thanks, strawbs. Nice to hear another woman's perspective on this.
I forgot to include his love of opera and classical music in my previous posts. Though I appreciate, and enjoy classical music, for me opera brings to mind a group of horny tomcats howling for release!!! Andrea Bocelli and the late Pavarotti are the exception for me.
They say opposites attract. Well, sadly, since he did seem like a nice guy, I could never imagine myself accompanying him to the opera. Now if he had invited me to a roadhouse for a game of pool, I may have taken him up on it. I do wish him well, and am glad we had the chance to chat. | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:30:12 PM | | Some of us guys do read the profiles. One profile that caught my eye, actually had a sentence at the bottom of the profile that basically said, if you read this profile and want to contact me, include a specific word in the subject line or I will just delete the message. I thought that was a brilliant idea and started to message her just because that was interesting to me. | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:34:48 PM | I actually get messages from men asking me what I do for a living, where I am from, my age, basic stuff that tells me they only looked at my pic.
Now I just refer them to the profile the first two times, and after that I give up....I don't like repeating myself, and even tho I know some men like to find that stuff out thru conversation, what they don't understand is it's the same 10 questions every man asks you if you don't post it somewhere.
A lot of them wouldn't even waste their time talking to me if they read it. Plus, I like guys who not only read, but like to read and seek reading material. Those men without fail read and digest the whole profile before sending an initial contact (or actually know by reading that they don't match me and skip to the next broad). | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:40:24 PM | I get it all the time, or used to before I changed my profile. I think its funny when people dont read through the posts in the forums and say dumb things because of it.
If people would read that would help! | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:44:44 PM | Thanks for your input, uglybetty. By the way, you are far from ugly!!!
How true. If they ask you where you're from or any of the other stuff that appears right at the top of your profile, they obviously didn't look at it.
I really appreciate it when a man takes the time to read my profile. I read through theirs and always include something in my first contact that indicates a mutual interest.
When a man does the same it shows some initiative and also helps him to stand apart from those who are just responding according to what they think of the photo.
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 1:00:10 AM | I guess the guy is just "speed dating." User online? Instant message them! Read their profile? Takes too much time!!!
I've been here just over a month... I've sent about 40mails, but only TWO of those were to women I was interested in meeting. It's because I read, re-read, and be sure that the person I'm saying "I want to spend time with to" is someone I actually DO want to spend time with. I have a checklist of things which are specifically important to me, with some flexibility and then I'm looking for the je ne sais quoi which says to me there's something special about her that makes her right for me. | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 4:20:03 AM | Thanks garnet,
Very astute observations and input. I too have a checklist of things which are specifically important to me, and that is how I "weed through" the many profiles that I read each time I'm online. In an earlier version of my profile I included many points from that checklist, and found that most men avoided me like I had some kind of disease. Some called me a prude; some said I was going to end up a nun. They were not even on my interest "radar," so their opinions didn't matter. | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 4:44:07 AM | Thanks for your input, uglybetty. By the way, you are far from ugly!!!
Why thank you.
How true. If they ask you where you're from or any of the other stuff that appears right at the top of your profile, they obviously didn't look at it.
Yeah, I don't get that. I am proactive by nature, so I would never message someone that I actually found attractive without first reading to see if it was worth it. To me, it's actually nicer to have a profile to refer to than meeting someone in real life and just having to wing it and taking a lot of time to realize you should have just kept walking.
You'd think men would appreciate this process, it saves them from a lot of rejection - instead it's almost like they want to get you face to face, regardless of how little they know or how great the dissapointment is gonna be. I am certain it's half the reason why they complain they get no responses, or they talk to someone who won't meet them, or someone talks to them twice and drops off.
I really appreciate it when a man takes the time to read my profile. I read through theirs and always include something in my first contact that indicates a mutual interest.
Exactly - I guess from a woman's point of view it's just the more common sense thing to do. And you may send less messages, but the ones you do send are to people who are attractive to you but you know are looking for someone like you and you have a lot more in common with. It's such a "duh" thing to me.
Messaging 200 women in your area and saying nothing takes more time than sending only messages to women who describe you as what they're into, and you have matching interests with. You can't tell them that tho.
When a man does the same it shows some initiative and also helps him to stand apart from those who are just responding according to what they think of the photo.
Exactly - a man who e-mails or messages based on just a photo can't come across in any other way. It's just obvious, even if they are fairly intelligent and have a lot going on, their conversation is missing something.
By definition the guy I'd date is nothing less than an avid reader, and would want to read info that's there for them to browse, so when someone doesn't do that I'm pretty much not interested...no matter what they say. I have told men that, they say they'd rather talk to me than read, and I tell them I like men who not only read, but LIKE to read, so there's no reason to continue the conversation (on a dating level, anyway). | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:48:26 AM | Re the OPost
True both many men AND women do not actually read the profile before they email or reply to an e-mail and thus waste the time of the rest of us. And one points that out to them, that the info they ask for is in the profile etc, they even claim to be "insulted" or something!!!!! Many "independent", "intellectual" and "highly opinionated" women actually do not read the profile or do not "really" read it! Yeesh! | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:58:03 AM | | cuddlybuddy-- Bocelli is not and never will be an opera singer. He's a good singer of Italian love ballads and folk songs, no more. His record company has tried to market him as an opera singer, but he isn't. Pavarotti was over-rated. | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 12:47:56 PM | Not to be self-flattering or anything but...yesterday, I received 3 "form letters" and politely advised the writers that it would benefit them to actually read profiles before contacting others because it was apparent that they did not read mine. What part of "just friends and forums for now, please and thank you" as one's first line can one not understand?
Not that I'm an expert on opera or anything but, no Bocelli is not an opera singer.  | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 12:55:45 PM | | I try my best to read through a profile and pick out the elements that will allow me to compose a (half) decent email! When you have a profile that's made up of the minimum amount of characters or is just xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx what can you do?! | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 1:43:56 PM | | I don't check out many profiles of women outside my age radius of 18-26 or so, but I'd feel it's probably more important to be specific with women in their 30's and 40's as opposed to younger ages. I've never seen so many jokes of a profile of women on here basically saying "This city has big buildings, I like food BYE". After sifting through all that imaginative effort and the large sausage factory to female ratio on her, most guys understandingly give up putting effort into it and just close their eyes while mashing the enter button a bunch of times when shooting out these emails. | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:51:23 PM | To Adrian and Miss W,
Ok, I admit to being way off base re Andrea Bocelli, but I still love his voice and his ability to make even the saddest of love songs sound beautiful.
To FighteroftheNightMan,
You make a valid point re some men sending out bulk emails. I also wonder if this gentleman simply looked for a lady in his area who was online and went into IM mode without having even the faintest clue re her interests or differences.
Thanks to all who have replied so far. Realizing that my OP is just a variation on a theme that has been covered many, many times in the time I've been a member here, and probably ad infinitum before I joined, I am glad that it survived the delete "police." | |
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| Why not read through the profile before contacting?
Posted: 2/8/2008 8:05:57 PM | LOL
This is a meat market.. Basically people are judged first on looks, then if you still keep their interest they MIGHT read your profile...
Mind you, you might get a guy or two who will read your profile then contact you.. but thats few and far in between..
And this goes both ways...
If you are looking for something SERIOUS.. go out on the town and test your luck there.. Here, you might find your true love, but its a long path and alot of people to pick thru...
Best of luck. | |
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