| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 7:38:39 PM | Ive been divorced from my wife of 8 years for about 9 months now. Its been difficult. Made more so by her on and off attempts to come back to my life. I really loved her. I did. And she crushed me when she left. And getting over it is a difficult process for me. Every time she has called me for some little piece of info like taxes or help with a new car. To her its just her way of checking to make sure Im still around for security. For me, I always feel (hope) that there was something there. Some chance and maybe thats why she was doing it.
But not after today. Called about the taxes and she made it pretty clear to me that she is "over it". All 8 years and she is over it after 8 months.
So I went around the apartment.... Over the years I had kept every single note, greeting card, thank you card, birthday card, all of it. And today I burned them in the fireplace. All of them. Along with all of our wedding photos. All our honeymoon photos. I had a photo that she gave me when she was 16 that I carried every day in my walet for 8 years. I pitched that in last. It was a pretty big fire!
I dont feel to great right now. But today is the last day that I am going to feel this bad about her.
I just felt like I wanted to talk to some people about it. Maybe someone else thats been there. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 7:52:34 PM | Nitrous, this is at least your third post on your marriage. I will believe you are getting on with your life when you no longer are posting threads about your ex. I know right now it feels like someone has kicked you in the gut, Our past has great influence on who we are. But only you are responsible for who you become.
Burning the photos, notes, cards etc is a nice symbolic gesture, but can you get past the hurt and anger you are feeling in your heart. Anger is caustic to the one feeling it, and rarely has an impact on the one it is directed at. She obviously has got on with her life. It's time for you to do the same. Good Luck.........Remember feelings arent right or wrong, they just are..Its what you do with those feelings that count. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 8:10:35 PM | Wow you have a good memory. Ive only posted on this whole forum about 5 times.
But yeah. This divorce has about the most significant thing to happen in my life thus far. And I cant help it if its harder for me to move on with things than it is her. But so far thats the way its gone. But not after today. Thats the point of my saying this. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 8:13:56 PM | Everyone heals from a lost relationship in their own way; there is no set time line. Some take years to heal and others a weekend.
I’ve heard of people that use this ritual as a way to let go and move on and it has worked for them.
Nitrous if it tears you up too much to be reminded of her then burning the memories may help. Otherwise stop calling her (if you are), stop returning her calls and STOP helping her…you know that she is using you. Now remember that if she contacts you again. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 8:17:30 PM | My sentiments exactly.
And no, I wasnt calling her. She really wasnt calling me lately. But I was doing alot of stewing. Ever since the holidays really. And this business with the taxes must have broke the camel's back. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 8:21:43 PM | | I got rid of the cards and notes also. I knew I was over it when I no longer envisioned him on the pyre. | |
|
| |
OLT4U
|
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 8 | |
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 9:20:36 PM | Been there.
Only after I burned all the memories in my mind and in the fireplace she kept coming back. For a short time, then back to the guy she was with.
Finally I told her that under no circumstances will I ever talk, write, text --you name it with her again. And I also sent her new love some text messages that she had sent me saying that she wanted to get back together and that Mr. Wonderful was this that and the other thing.
She found him when she was with me. Cheated, in other words. Mr. Wonderful is wonderfully insecure, and would stalk her all around and monitor her phone, etc. So I congratulated him on his catch, but cautioned him that "once a cheater always a cheater."
Revenge. It's best served cold. It was. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 9:27:29 PM | Get where you are coming from. Took a different route and boxed up everything and gave them back to him. Now he get's to look at those pic's, cards and letters and the photo's ( some - kept most of them) of the child he left behind whom is the light of my world. Since he left have met an amazing man & rebuilt my life in ways I never would have thought possible. The holidays are hard but we're done with those. Springtime is around the corner and a time of hope is right there with the flowers. Got engaged last weekend and found a family that loves me as well as my girl - they make us soo welcome......his Mom is soo great?!?! Just got to move on & keep your eyes open - cuz you just never know?!?! Best of luck!! L~~   | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/7/2008 9:44:45 PM | | I like to burn things. Not that I've ever been married or anything, but it's refreshing and oddly enough, it feels kind of cleansing. It's a good feeling to me. | |
|
| |
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:03:53 AM | Nitrous, I hope you are able to get on with your life soon. However, burning, destroying, or giving back pieces of your life that you'll never have again is not a mature way to deal with memories. It's what's in your head that is holding you back, not what's on those pieces of paper or in those pictures. Best to just store them for awhile until you have your head clear. There will come a day that you'll likely regret destroying memories of almost a decade of your life.
Having said that, you must remember that you're talking about a woman who you married as a child! You were teenagers! It is a very, very rare teenager (I would argue they don't exist) who is mature enough to make the decision to get married. You've never had a relationship in your life that began as an adult relationship. Accept the fact that it was a bad decision to marry so young and that most people who do end up exactly in the same spot you are. You are still so young! You'll find tons of support if you open your eyes. Connect with people who can relate and use those relationships to complete the healing process rather than doing negative destructive things. Who knows? You might even meet someone who's just right for you in the process but don't make that your goal; concentrate on yourself. You are the only one that you can do anything about. Never forget that. Good luck out there! | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:05:05 AM | Good for you.
I have to agree with the poster who said "we all deal with it" in different ways.
I don't wish "him bad", and at the same time, I don't "wish him any good" either.
I've reached the point that I don't think of him the minute I get up...during the day...or when I go to bed.
Since it took so long to get the divorce, from the beginning, I've had a "burn box".
First it was a tiny box with a few things in it.
As time went on the size and number of those boxes have piled up. 
Stuff really adds up with 24 plus years.
I'd planned a divorce party when I finally got those papers.
Go figure there was a restriction on burning, due to the drought.
No burning what so ever.
Normally we can burn until Oct. without a permit.
I kept only his service medals to pass on to the children......everything else will turn to ashes.
I now will have to have a bulldozer or backhoe to dig the hole to burn several butt loads of boxes.
A very large spring fling.........with drinks and food.
After his crap is burned in the hole, I will plant either a large tree or bush in the hole
signifying a fresh new life.
OP you got married so young. Now is the time to enjoy yourself.
Hang out with the guys. Have fun.
Be good to yourself.
Everyday there is no contact is a step further to insulating yourself...and the road to replacing those memories with your new life full of better memories.
I don't know about anyone else but I noticed since there is no "we" and just me;
I don't have very much money but can make it go further without him. 
ceeceekitty | |
|
KJHtwo
|
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 14 | |
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:35:38 AM | My divorce was like a time bomb, and it didn't blow until 2 yrs after the divorce was final........I'd left the area, quit My job, moved 250 miles from Home. I set up a new life
and one day, after work sitting in My new apt, I realized that I was all alone, and things were going to be a lot different. I never cried so hard and so fast in all My life. It was then that I began to get over it. It's been 5 years now since the separation, and still
'secondary explosions occur, every once in a while...........CHANGES? You bet, Pal...
and there will be more to come................Get to know self, You'll be spending some time with that, so why waste it? ..............WARNING- don't jump into any new relationships at this moment, It won't make You feel better, it's OK to feel hurt & Love
for Your EX, If You don't, then You probably never Loved Her anyway.......TIME
Peace, KJH | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:35:50 AM | | I hope you start feeling well. I know how bad it hurts. I have been there with the same man a few times. This last time, in october, he really burned me bad. We had been having problems, due to a drug addiction I had, but I am clean now, but after I got clean we started getting alone great, things were wonderful. I was falling back in llove with him again. Starting to get used to the fact that we would be together forever. We had been together 11 years then. We had been talking about buying a new house. But nothing serious, well the last week we were together, he had been being mean to me. I tried everything I could do to make sure he would not stay mad. One the last night we were together, Sunday night, he told me that the next day he was signing papers on a new house and well, I, was not invited to move into it. I could not believe it. I kept asking him if he was certain that he never wanted me to move with him. He said he was. So of course, I was so upset that I grabbed my keys and left. I enden up at my mothers a few days later, but that first month I was in a daze. I could not believe it. He had promised me we would always be together, he was my security blanket. So thats what I did, I gathered all of the stuff from him and tore it up. But now its a different story, we got together in December. We have a different relationship from most. I know we will be back together one day. Just now is not a time for us, we both love each other too much to live apart forever. It might get better for you, or it may take longer time than normal. In my opinion, we all have that one person who we are supposed to be with, that are our soul mates. I beleive that anyway. Give your self time before you start a new relationship. Just remember to always be honest and true to your self, your feelings and to the woman you are going to be with. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:38:23 AM | | I understand why you posted this...though others might not. Today was a day of cleansing for you....clearing the devastating debris, much like one would after a storm. Now it's time to rebuild....to work on you. I hope you do that before trying to include another in your life, so that you will have a whole person to offer another, rather than still being 'crushed'. Good luck hon. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:46:15 AM | When my first divorce came through I had the certificate printed on a T-Shirt and wore it proudly until it turned to rags. I still have all my pictures but I found the T to be quite cleansing, in a spiteful kind of way.
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with these things and everyone takes their own time doing it.
I wish you strength for your present and luck for your future my friend. You ever need an ear just drop me a line.
Mark | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:50:30 AM | Nitrous,
I agree with most the other people...
If it feels like you gained some sense of control over your life by burning things, that is good in its own ritualistic way...
I'd like to give a different perspective.
It isn't healthy to assume what is going on in your ex wifes head, means you are trying to mind read.
There are two sides to a marriage and a divorce.
There are also two sides to of getting past things.
If she got involved with someone else, doesn't mean it isn't her bandage for her own hurt. Doesn't mean she hasn't had moments of wondering if she did the right thing, or felt angry things didn't turn out differently.
I have no doubt she has found ways to comfort herself, and from outside appearances it may seem like she has "gotten over" an 8 yr marriage.
I tell you these things, not so you can go back and focus in on if maybe she will give it a chance, but rather FOCUS on what you need to do for YOURSELF to get past the hurt and anger.
It isn't easy to let go of hurt, disappointment, and then anger for things not turning out how you wanted them to; however as long as you are focused on her, and her actions, or reactions, you still have her in your head.
I don't know how full or complete your life is, but I would suggest taking up a hobby that you couldn't or didn't do as a married. Focus on making yourself the best dang person you can, and work out what things YOU could do to be a better partner..
That way when someone else comes along YOU will be ready to really love, and not bring to the table your ex wife...
Good luck, | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:55:39 AM | | ahhhh..I felt your pain too when I read what you put..Yes it sometimes takes a long time to get over someone that was dear to you..you are doing what you feel must be done..and God bless you .. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:57:18 AM | THAT sounds like a good idea. although, i'm still friends with my ex so maybe just a shoebox... or a bigger box lol, might work too. Definitly gonna try it out. It's hard to remain civil, let alone friends so you burning her off like a wart sounds like the best thing you can do. If she needs help wit her taxes she should call a professional, car troubles, tell her to take it to a mechanic. She left you, she needs to stop using you as her crutch just so she knows she has someone that is still under her thumb in case something else doesn't work out for her.
Don't expect to feel too great for a while, but hey, at least now that you've cauterized the wound it has a better chance to heal. Just give it time, you were in love. Maybe it didnt take her long to get over it cause she didn't feel as strongly as you. Either way, try not to worry so much about how long it takes, it'll happen eventually. | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 8:00:31 AM | I did the same thing with my ex's sentimental purchases for me. I burned and shredded everything. It was definitely theraputic. I then talked about my relationship with him with my therapist. She's been incredible with me and has helped me heal from this past relationship a lot faster and healthier than I've been able to before.
OP...you are my age (ok 2 years older...lol) and HOT. You still have your whole life to live. I'm glad that I was never able to get dates until I was 16...lol...seeing as how your marriage failed....however....you at least had one of those high school romances that lasted almost a lifetime....which some of us weren't lucky enough to have. I suppose you take the good with the bad. You have one marriage under your belt so when you get to another one, you will have learned from this previous marriage on how to work better as a husband. Some of us don't have that luxuary at all. Hell I'm still trying to figure out how to be a wonderful Girlfriend!
As previous posters have mentioned....it's time to go out with your boyz and have fun. You missed out on that part of your life while the rest of us were going crazy in college. Go be stupid! Get this part of your life overwith....so you can find "the one".
Have fun, be a free spirit. Stop answering your ex's calls. Start screening your calls for that matter...if it's her number..don't pick up. I know it's harder said than done . I did that myself. Cept it wasn't with phone calls...it was him on the front door of the apartment banging away to try and talk to me. You can and will get through this. Just take some space from her and take some much much much needed time for yourself! :) And if you were in Jersey....lol....I'd be knockin down your door! :)
| |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 10:48:59 AM | I think you did a good thing. Any step that makes you feel more free of the past and of the negativity associated with it - is a good thing.
A friend of mine had a liberation party after her divorce became final (after 3 long years). She was like you, she burned a lot of photos and we toasted her new life.
I think it's important to keep taking these steps toward your new life - acknowledge the progress you're making and give yourself credit. I think divorce is pretty devastating - so do what you have to in order to get past it.
I think it's good that you can see the progress you've made. Good for you! | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 5:32:23 PM | OP be thankful, you had, good times and memories, gosh even momentoes and souvenirs of happy times. When I finally left my ex, after 13yrs of marriage there was nothing to miss, nothing to reminisce about, no cards, no movie ticket stubs, nothing...
It is good to to clear things out, but it sounds like you experienced something that was once wonderful. Gratitude heals anger and dissappointment. Every day I wake up and last thing at night, I walk to the window and thank God for my freedom, I feel just soo grateful to be out of that hell. Gratitude is the key, fill your heart and mind with it.
A clear out also sends a clear message to the universe, that you are ready to welcome the new into your life. Be ready and remain grateful! | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:50:31 PM | I have to tell you man, you have STRENGTH!!!
Your did something NOT many people can work themselves up to. Congratulations on your move.
This is a very good thread.
Emilio | |
|
| I made a big change today.
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:39:58 PM | Well we have different way of grieving, im not sure burning your wedding pictures wasnt the most mature thing, but i guess if it makes you feel better all the power to you, although I hope you dont regret it one day
This is off topic but I want to ask you a question NitrousN20, since I suspect you were married at 18 years old..... and I take it your wife was the same age there about?
What do you think of Teenagers at 18 or 19 or even 20 getting married nowadays? | |
|
Home
login 
