| should i wait?
Posted: 2/8/2008 8:06:42 AM | | i met a man 7 months ago who was upfront with me and told me he had a girlfriend but they were "on and off". so we started talking and becoming close. we never slept together but do really care about each other. of course like many men, he says he's gonna leave her for good. he's been with her for 12 years and shes 20 years older than he is. we are only 2 years apart by the way. just as it seems he's really close to leaving her, she got really sick and ends up in the hospital. they tell him she's dying. of course he feels guilty and i asked him if he wanted me to give him time to just focus on her and i'll be ok since she needs him right now. he doesnt want to take a chance losing me so doesnt want to stop seeing me. should i wait or walk away? | |
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| should i wait?
Posted: 2/8/2008 8:14:39 AM |
just as it seems he's really close to leaving her, she got really sick and ends up in the hospital. they tell him she's dying.
And just what happend that just like that she's dying?
Have you verified this story?
I'm sorry but it's just too much of a coincidence. I think this guy is leading you on, and in a very cruel way as well.
he doesnt want to take a chance losing me so doesnt want to stop seeing me.
It's just words hun. | |
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| should i wait?
Posted: 2/8/2008 8:24:16 AM | | Seems typical. When its time to leave, there's an emergency. I'd have to say based on what you've written here that he's playing around. Get the info on her and check it out. If he isn't willing to give it up, you know he's lying. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 8:27:25 AM | Just my opinion but if he is still with her...there is a reason..He love's her but...at the same time he wants both world's...Hers and yours!
You have to do what you feel comfortable with no matter what any of us say but If It was me, I think I would say Good bye to him!
Never be second best to anyone sweetie.. No matter what the reason is!
Me1968 | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 8:41:35 AM | If , after 12 yrs - it 'takes Almost DIEing'? for the gent to show some sort of 'commitment'
to the gal he IS with? (she isNT dieing , by the way - just 'playing along')
Just *Think* OP : Do YOU want to put in the TIME with him? Just HOW looong do ya *think* it will 'take' ... before he shows 'commitment' to YOU?
(sheez, SomeBody should probably be Committed  )
*POINT* ? OP , ya Aint 20 yrs older, But? Shuuure aint no 'Spring Chicken' Either.
At 35 , hows about ya  Wasting Yer TIME? 
(Cant get that stuff BACK ya know)
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| should i wait?
Posted: 2/8/2008 9:12:00 AM | Yes I am with Suckafish on this one. There are sure alot of blind deaf and dumb guys and gals out there | |
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| should i wait?
Posted: 2/8/2008 9:27:41 AM | | How much longer do you want to continue playing second fiddle, and coming in last? These relationships almost never get to where the parties involved claim they're headed. If the man wanted to be away from the wife to be with you, he would've been LONG before now. All the b/s about money, children, the right time etc ...there's always an excuse. People that are unhappy in their lives, and are ready to move on, do. Seems to me there's no reason to since he's esconced in his family life, and has a piece of excitement on the side... Do you blame him? | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 9:30:32 AM | op,
as I was informed once, your gut tells you that you are being played...listen to it!
Secondhand handouts are not are not firsthand quality....you get what you wait for....
and "losing you"?...sure he doesn't want to lose "another on the side"...or the front, or back, or where ever he has the others either.... | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 9:40:37 AM | If your gut says it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
If he's already cheating on one g/f, what makes you think he would be any more faithful to you?
How about you drop the person that doesn't put you first and only, and find the one that does? Cause while you're waiting for the fishy that isn't available, you are missing all the ones that are. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 9:48:03 AM | OP If he is putting you second now, what will it be like if you two were together? All the excuses why he has to work late, or go out with the guys. And the list goes on and on. Is this how you think of yourself? If you don't think highly of yourself neither will any man in your life.
I agree with the others on this one. You are seriously being played. However, this is your decision. Personally, I would not even give this man a second thought or any consideration at this point. Let him make his own bed and sleep in it.
Good luck OP | |
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| should i wait?
Posted: 2/8/2008 10:17:03 AM | | 20 years older than him? not his biological or adopted mother? he has big time issues. so do you if you stick around. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 10:28:00 AM | This sounds more like Days of our Lives than it does real life. Most men who are in a relationship always promise the 'mistress' that they are going to leave but I doubt that many do.
Now she says that she is dying. If it is true than I am very sorry but how do we know that it is true. He could have made it up so that he was a way out of leaving her but also gets to keep you or she could have made it up because she knew he was having an affair and thought he might leave.
Either way, this sounds like way too drama. I think you need to move on and find someone single, who is not sneaking around someones back to see you and who is not in a relationship.
~Carrie | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 1:38:36 PM | Walk away.
If he comes after you the RIGHT way, he loves you. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 3:05:11 PM | | ok, let me add she has kidney failure thats why shes dying. shes been in the hospital for about a week and the reason i dont doubt that hes lying about it is because he has been spending alot more time with me and calls me from home when of course he couldnt do that with her at home. he says she did try to break up with him because she doesnt want to be a burden to him. he said he does care for her because shes done alot for him but he's not in love with her anymore and he had never left because he felt obligated to her because she depends on him. they have no kids together by the way. just thought i'd clear that up. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 3:13:03 PM | OP:
She could be out of town on vacation for all you know and that's why he can suddenly call you from home. You have no way of verifying anything this guy has told you.
Look, you do what you want, but I wouldn't touch that situation and I certainly wouldn't trust him. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 3:15:12 PM | | he did his job or duty ...he might as well stick around now and cash in on the assets ,,right ladies?..just make sure she wasn't poisened............... | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 3:23:22 PM | | Women. PPPPPPPPPleaze, stop doing this to yourselves!! Men want their cake and eat it too. Why would you believe a man who has been with his ex (whatevr) for 12 yrs. and has not made a committment to her all this time. Does that not tell you something. Seriously women, stop making yourselves targets of these kind of men, coz once you come to your senses you always end up hating all of us...even when we mean well. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 3:26:45 PM | Spursfan,
I understand how you are feeling, and though I'm not in a similiar situation, the dynamics are similiar. Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself if being number two is okay with you. Lot's of POF'ers have made some sound comments, but you have to not only follow your heart, but use your head.
I can tell you this, while he may have feelings for you, he is more than likely going to stay the course with her...and even if you two finally get 'together', either he's going to feel guilty about his actions or do the same thing to you that he is now doing to her. Age, illness, etc has little to do with anything other than give some justification for your actions as well as his.
I know what it's like to love someone very much, even when the situation is not ideal, and it's very EASY to fool oneself into thinking everything is all roses and sunshine. Again, think everything through...do you really want to be the 'other' woman? And do not think for a moment that if you two do wind up together if his SO passes away that things will improve. Re-read your orginal post....the answers are really there...think about it.
If he has no problem seeing you on the side while the woman he's been with for twelve yrs health deteriorates, what makes you think he won't do the same to you? Is he so special you're willing to be number 2? Who is he going to bed with night after night? I hardly think it's you. I wouldn't wait, because the time you are spending on him would be better used on taking care of yourself and finding a good man whose primary focus is solely on YOU!
Walking away is VERY hard....saying Good Bye is too, but it can be done and some day you may look back ( yrs down the road) and be so very grateful you did.
Best of luck regardless of what you decide. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 3:29:00 PM | How desperate are you?? Because YOU want a man...you don't care about the other woman? Grow up ....you just want what you can't have!
The grass is not greener on the other side I think you should let him piss on...I mean water his own lawn!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 4:02:55 PM | soooo. He's been with her since he was a teenager (either 13 or 17, depending on which side of your age he's on?), and she was about your age? That in itself is sick. But so is the current situation...and the fact that for all these months he's been deceiving her, which IS WRONG whether you two have been sleeping together or not. And now this poor woman is dying while only in her 50s, and there's even a QUESTION as to whether or not you should continue to see each other....until when? She actually dies.... freeing him? I can't think how appalling it would be so see my own happiness as depending on the death of another women.
From the outside--the idea of the two of you continuing this illicit relationship, WAITING for this woman's death, just makes my blood run cold. If it were me, I hope I wouldn't have involved myself in this tryst to begin with. But having done it, I really really hope I'd have the moral compass to walk away. If love is there between the two of you, it'll keep.
Meanwhile, I'd give some serious thought to whether or not you want to be with someone who would carry on this way.... and if you do end up together, careful he doesn't turn you in for a newer model in another twenty years, or even sooner, as he's been basically been "promising" to do to her. After all, if this man has been with a woman this much older than him since he was a teen-ager, he has, I would think, quite a lot of oat sowing to do... "Freedom" for him mightn't necessarily work out for YOU the way you hope, which is why it's never a good idea to put all your eggs in someone else's basket.... and it IS someone else's basket, however conveniently close to death she may be. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 4:57:45 PM | wow, and you think this guy is a good catch? there is always 3 sides to a story, your version his version and the actual truth.
The fact that he strung you along for 7 months tells me you're either naive or desperate, of all the men available you have to pick one who doesn't have any balls to leave his present girlfriend, no wonder you two haven't had sex, he has no balls.
What makes you think that if you two get together and things go wrong in your relationship that he wouldnt do that to you?
On second thought maybe you guys deserve each other and you will ride off into the sunset and your heart will roll into one and live happily ever after | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 6:13:36 PM | I wouldn’t go near a guy like that..........he is a waste of time....wasted her time for his own selfishness, now he wants to move on because she's expired for him.
Never go with a man who is in a relationship even if it's the last day for that relationship...it's just so not right and so not fair. (of course same applies if you were a guy and he was a she)
I don't know how some people could get themselves into such relationship...I always would put myself in her place and see how much I like it to happen to me.
Also one last note but vital...it breaks my heart that she is dying and you two are waiting for her death in a way to unite........
Good luck | |
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Posted: 2/8/2008 6:43:24 PM |
should i wait or walk away? How much do you value your self-respect?
i met a man 7 months ago who was upfront with me and told me he had a girlfriend to most people, this should mean: he's not available.
he says he's gonna leave her for good He's been telling you this, for 7 months now? about the woman he's been with for 12 years? 
Are you feeling very gullable yet?
they tell him she's dying. of course he feels guilty and i asked him if he wanted me to give him time to just focus on her and i'll be ok since she needs him right now. he doesnt want to take a chance losing me so doesnt want to stop seeing me. assuming this story is true, and he's not just making it up:
Don't you feel some amount of guilt, for lusting after this dying woman's boyfriend?
Would you be happy, if you were dying, and some other wonman was planning to steal your boyfriend?
If he's focussing on her, while not wanting to lose you, is he being fair to either of you???
This guy's being very dishonest with his significant other, while selfishly expecting you to patiently wait to be his 2nd choice.
Most right-thinking women wouldn't want a guy who's disrespectful, selfish, and dishonest. | |
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