| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 5:24:41 AM | I always wondered this question as a lot of people have so many different views on this.
I personally have managed to stay friends with both of my exes'. My first ex being friends with all my friends, we had to hang out with each other constantly anyway so we had to get used to being with each other and we get on great now - after being apart for 4 years and now living in different countries!!!
My previous ex and I were together 10 months and we have been apart since August. But we have absolutely no romantic feelings for each other and enjoy each others company yet people find it so hard to believe and when we are together we always get asked if we're back together. Yet, in my personal opinion, I think it's fine to be friends with your exes as long as there are no romantic feelings on both parts!!
Now I ask this question to you: Do You Think It's A Bad Thing To Be Friends With Your Exes? | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 5:37:36 AM | | Well, guess Ill be the first to answer this. Myself, I cant be friends with an ex. A recent ex anyway.Maybe if it was a short term thing like a week or two but after you have been intimate with someone and shared many things together its just too hard for me anyway. The last woman I was with wanted to remain friends but it would have been to uncomfortable for me. I even asked her if she wanted me to tell her about any women that came into my life and even she didnt think that was a good idea. I guess it depends on how a relationship ends as well. Theres usually one that still has feelings and I cant see how that can be a healthy friendship. I was thinking about this the other day. I could remain friends with someone from a relationship from years back, but not from any recent ones. Once you get past the feelings and emotional part and can let go than it could work for me. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 5:55:56 AM | ...Ex 'husbands / wives'? or Ex girlfriend / boyfriend. I'll assume OP is relating to the latter - at 19 yrs. old, one wouldn't think a person would be divorced...twice already lol
It totally depends on a persons def. of 'FRIENDS' -
If its FRIENDS as in - being civilized with one another...tolerating one another for children etc. / family, sure - in fact, both should make a point to doso.
If its Friends as in...meeting for dinner now n then...calling daily or a few times a week to 'chat' and 'see how things are going' NO! End it and give the current b/friend - g/friend the respect they deserve! | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 6:47:22 AM | Im still best friends with my ex,& always will be......he's a very decent,lovely man....i was with him for 15 yrs so you can't just forget about someone after that amount of time.......(our relationship "morphed" into a friendship over a period of time & that's why the relationship's over),but our friendship's enduring,& we wish the best for each other.
Guess it depends on your age,maturity? (im in my mid40's).... | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:06:38 AM | | In an ideal world the answer is obvious. The reality is somewhat different, especially if one party did not want the relationship to end. Then there are the other realities: child custody, financial separations, spousal support - and the list goes on and on. These things can easily stand in the way of friendship. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:13:11 AM | Since I don't date anyone who isn't already a friend first, I don't understand why people think it's odd to stay friends if the romantic relationship doesn't work. The things that I liked about him, the things that made him my friend in the first place, still exist, and I still like and respect those things. Since I tend to date long term, and since I bring the men I date into my circle of friends and they invariably take to him and he becomes their friend as well, it would be horribly awkward if I COULDN'T remain friends... My last two exes are men I see all the time and no one is uncomfortable.
Sure, there's exceptions... when my ex husband turned into a coke addict and racked up $40K in credit card debt in less than a year, I was more than a little cranky about it... he didn't just mess with me, he messed with my credit rating! [Grrr. Teeth still grind when remembering that one.]
Bottom line is it's no-one else's business! We don't hide that we dated, occasionally someone they're dating now will ask me about it and I just laugh and point out that we make much better friends than we did lovers and leave it at that. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:47:50 AM |
Do You Think It's A Bad Thing To Be Friends With Your Exes?
Yes! BAD IDEA! It never ceases to amaze me how people will permit this to go on.
TRUE friends and relationships are closely tied. There is respect. and caring, but if a relationship fails for any of these reasons, then by definition, they CANNOT be a friend.
The thing about an Ex, is that he or she always expects you to do things for them "just because". Its in truth, a subtile lie.
Women are very bad about playing the "friends card" (See my profile for why NOT to do this). In most cases it simply means they want dependence without commitment
Everyone needs friends. but friends are chosen on a completely different platform, with NO expectations or goals as in dating. and before any of you respond with a hand wringing, " I dont think there is anything wrong with being friends" you lack moral compass. What you actually mean, is that you want to keep this person on the hook in case you need them for something. You are not being a TRUE friend if you have such a hidden agenda.
Maybe I have a hard-assed attitude about this, But the simple fact is that I am looking for a life-partner. That is my goal, and my sole reason for being here. Play the friends card on me, and you will never hear from me again, and in all likelyhood get blocked. it's that simple.
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:57:57 AM | | I am pretty much friends with my three ex's. Granted, all three relationships ended for a reason. I had a habit of attracting jealous types apparently. Or jerks. But, as friends, they are okay. They have all dropped hints recently about wanting to have sex with me again though. And 2 of them want a second chance. Oh well, I wont go back, I think if it was meant to be, it would have worked the first time around. And now I live very far away from them all, so there will be no nooky! | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:01:07 AM | It is really quite simple. Sometimes romantic relationships do not work out. This does not mean that it was anyone's fault and if you had a friendship underlying the romantic relationship the things that drew you to the individual in the first place are still there. I have stayed friends with several exes and most of the others would be cordial to if I ran into them.
I think when enough time passes, even when an X has been horrible, one should be able to get to the point that one wishes him/her well as a human being. I think when you hold a grudge and cannot let go of hurt feelings and anger that says something about you and is something you should work on. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:01:18 AM | | Tom is completely correct. Women want to remain friends so they can have dependence without commitment. Very well put Tom. And men who agree to this really in all actuallity still want more, maybe still in love or most likely still want sex. They might even agree to the woman that they have no feelings for them other then as friends .... but they are just agreeing for the booty call that MIGHT come later. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:04:28 AM | | Well when i broke up with my EX, we still stayed friends afterwards, but because i still had feelings for her and she didn't for me, it didn't really work out, i guess i always had the feeling i could fight to get her back 'false hope' i guess you could call it, then she started dating other guys and eventually found a new one, and because of the feelings for her i kinda cut contact as much as possible....but 2 - 3 month down the line my feelings for her have subsided quite a bit, shes still with her new guy but i dont feel as bothered about it anymore, secretly there still is some slight feelings for her, but ive learned to block them out and not let them get in the way, so we are started to speak again slowly and things arent as bad anymore, we both think dating each other was a bad idea....even though i hate to admit that, it does look that way...so yeah i think you can stay friends with your ex aslong as the feelings are gone....and that your ex realises that they aren't going to get as much attention as they used too and things wont be the same again. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:09:26 AM | I think in most cases it is a bad idea. My first wife wouldn't cross the street to pee on my leg if my pants were on fire and that's the way I like it. My second ex and I were intimate long after the divorce and it was a great friendship with benefits until she remarried. My current wife and I are trying the friendship route and it really isn't going to well. I still want her body but she doesn't want mine. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 10:32:07 AM |
There is respect. and caring, but if a relationship fails for any of these reasons, then by definition, they CANNOT be a friend.
What if a relationship failed for a different reason? | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 4:01:24 PM | Tom is completely correct. Women want to remain friends so they can have dependence without commitment. Very well put Tom.
Well, that is catagorizing a bit dont you think? why do all women have to depend on men? It seems to me that men these days depend on woman to work, raise kids and give good head. Hmmmm.
Maybe I have a hard-assed attitude about this.
Yes, I think you are. Personally, my friendships with my ex's are nothing like what you describe. They are simply friendships. We chat, we keep in touch, we listen, we talk. Simple, simple, simple. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 4:14:48 PM | | As long as there's nothing there and you're not ditching your date to go hang with the ex then there shouldn't be a problem. It will be kinda hard for people to swallow because we as humans are naturally defensive about those kinds of things. In all reality, if I was the new person you were dating, I'd want to go hang with you and your ex untill I felt comfortable with the whole situation. If I see a bad trend between you and your ex that threatens you and me being together, I have a mouth and vocal chords, I can talk to you about it and see what we can do to get past it or not be together. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 4:29:54 PM | I like you do not feel that there is anything wrong with being friends with ex...there where some really great qualities we shared and I valued those and wouldn't want to give those up and more importantly he knows me and understands me. I would not want to go back to him for sex but only for companionship and just bounce things off of...get his opinion on things and such. I would always tell him about the new guy in my life and would hope that the 2 would want to meet and become good friends. I have had a few relationships that worked out great...broke up with the guy but my exs...maintained their guy friendship so I look at it that I just helped bring 2 new male guys together for simple male bounding.
Would I be jealous if he did it to me...probably yes but if he assured me that they have the same type of relationship as I have with my male friends then I would have no problem. It is all based on trust and how secure your relationship is.
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 4:50:17 PM | | OP at your age of 19 it is a common thing but as we get older and we harden our hearts it seems to become more difficult to do. I have remained friends with some ex's and not others depends on what we broke up over. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 4:53:12 PM | | There is no way to answer this, since every situation is unique. There are times where it's acceptable and right as well as when it's unacceptable and wrong. I think it's easy to know the difference if they're honest. | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 4:53:53 PM | NO, it is NOT a bad thing to remain friends with your exes, that is if you can pull it off.
My ex husband and I have divorced for 7 yrs, and we are actually extremely close friends... THERE IS NO FWB, and have had that with each other...
I have others exes that I am also friends with.
Things do change when people get into relationships, however as for my ex spouse we remain close friends for the sake of our 11 yr old son. My son would pull the wool over satans eyes, if he could get away with it... Therefore my ex and I have to be a united front with him.
He and I also had kids from previous relationships, and we were a family unit for over 9 yrs... My kids look to him as dad, even though they are adults, and his son looks to me as a Mum...
None of the exes that I am friends with, are people that I would get back together with...
For those that think it is a really bad thing, I think it may be a case of sour grapes... For me it works out well... | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 5:44:45 PM |
Well, that is catagorizing a bit dont you think? why do all women have to depend on men?
Let me repeat what I said in the last post because you evidently missed it slumberparty .
I wrote:
In most cases it simply means they want dependence without commitment.
Most is a far different term from All I'm not going to permit you to take it out of context. Now who is catagorizing?
It seems to me that men these days depend on woman to work, raise kids and give good head. Hmmmm.
If that has been your past experiences, then perhaps you have chosen wrongly. I have seen very attractive women date some lame, no-job jerk, often glossing over men who work everyday, and not even giving them a second look. I am a professional keyboard player, and I have seen this scene play out countless times.
These Fourms are loaded with "why don't women like nice guys" threads, and your above comment confirms this. More often than not, women mistake the fact that if a man is aggresive, loud, and reckless, as "manly" But a Man who is secure in who he is, works and is responcible, is labeled as "dull".
Why is this? I think it may be for at least two reasons I can think of. One, a Woman has motherly instincts. She wants a man she thinks "needs" her, to attempt to fix him, and enjoys the challenge. The second reason, is that some women(and men too for that matter) has so low self esteem, they pick a mate they know that the relationship WILL fail, simply for self punishment.
The fourms are also full of these posts because Mr. Jerk did not behave himself. it's a shame really, because the lines between the sexes have become so blurred. we are here to find a mate, but by reading the fourms, one can clearly see that mis-trust is the norm. it's self-defeating.
Many people as a result of all these dating "pitfalls" have fallen into the " All women are "B"'s and all men are A**Holes" trap. This is self-defeating to your goal Folks. every person in unique, and needs to be looked at that way. Women, for the most part are NOT a group of people, who it out to "get" men. Conversely, there is no group of men who is only after sex. Isn't is sad that we use the WORST examples of the sexes to make our point and guide our dating life?
Not to expand on WHY it's a bad idea to be friends with an ex.
"friends" is what you have when a person has heartfelt concern for both persons feelings. and yes, it's quite possible the relationship can grow into love. but it has to be a TRUE friendship, and not just a label.
Men can and do, look for friendship, however, we tend to look at women as objects of our affection. it's simply how we are wired.
But " just friends" is an entirely different matter. It is a buzz word, especially after a relationship, that is riddled in dishonesty, because that person has not the balls to bow out honestly and gracefully.
Many people will play the "just friends" card, for many reasons, but mostly, because they want to keep that person on the string for whatever reason. In short, it's another game.(and one of the most sadistic ones) It's a game of users, and a great time waster. even though they insist they do indeed want to be " just friends", they do things to the other person that real friends would never do, and then have the nerve to expect them to accept it.
That is why I NEVER agree to be friends with anyone I have been romantically involved with. It sets yourself up to cling to a false hope, You signal to her that you are willing to be their door mat. You will spend alot of time(and money of you're not careful) wasted, when you could better spend that time tring to find the RIGHT one.
As long as anyone, man or woman has no rules to guide themselves by, then all sorts of unpleasant things will happen. If you will simply stand up to let people know that you have a expected way to be treated, then that is exactly what you will find.
Take Care
Tom | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:14:23 PM | | yes i so agree with you . i think the past is the past , and you are not giving the new person respect . and its not fair some people say its a about trust its , i dont not agree with them . there is always someone has feelings and going out to dinner or hanging is stupid , anits wrong . you had a bound with some one , and to move on you have to put energy in the new person . let the old feelings past and move on . so i agree with you 100% | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:17:57 PM | | i agree very much its call move forward and your right women do use the freinds thing to play games and wants to sleep with them or there benefit freinds . its mind games . i think and its not rescepting the new person at all . | |
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| Friends with Exes - Is It Really Such A Bad Thing?
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:26:10 PM | OK OK OK if you really want to be friends with my ex, you go ahead.
When we were together, he was fit, healthy and respectable, since I kicked him out for reasons know to the local police (so well justified), he is a prize tw*t, fat bloated, bright red, but you will always find him at the bar, first to get his hands on the young girls (you know the type accidental brushing of the boobs, hand slips down the back of her trousers accidentally of course).
Go on then he is in need of a friend, laughing out loud, perhaps you could teach him how to behave in public, rolling on the floor laughing my head off. | |
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