| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:25:49 PM | OK, yes, I know there's a humongous thread here about guys who don't like blowjobs... but I don't need to know there are a bazillion people who don't believe they exist... I could use some advice. (Until a week or so ago, I was one of them. Sigh.)
The guy in question in a new boyfriend... guy I totally click with. He's a great kisser, absolutely fantastic with his hands... and not only doesn't like blowjobs, he doesn't even like his penis touched by someone else. (Like with their hands.)
He's 26, has been in quite a few relationships that hit the "make-out" level but no further, and only two that he's had sex with. (He'd originally intended to wait til he was married... y'know how that goes.) Those relationships he was in for a while. He's only had someone go down on him once, and says he just didn't like it...
I'm trying to figure out what to do. I'm sort of at a loss, because hello, I want to touch him. All of him. Sheesh. Started to the other night and he just totally lost his erection.
I'm more experienced all the way around then he is, and part of me just really wants to react like well, then you haven't had a GOOD one yet. (And I am. No ego, lol, just fact.) And I really enjoy both giving and receiving oral. (Something else he's not too experienced at, but would probably be willing to do, eventually.)
It seems like this would be worth trying to find a way to ease into or ease around... something. Any advice from either guys who've been there, or girls who've been in this situation? Is there any chance of changing this, or am I just going to make a mess of things if I try?
I've really been puzzling over this the last couple of days (we haven't been in bed since) and I'm just not sure what direction at all to go. Normally I'd think that something like this wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but I'm just at a loss, because I didn't realize just how much I enjoyed giving a guy pleasure... and I'm not really sure that not being allowed to touch his penis at all is something I can deal with in a relationship... it makes me feel so... just useless, I guess. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:34:57 PM | He needs professional help, that is if it bothers HIM. This isn't something anyone else was able to change about him, if you want a challenge then be ready for it. It's up to you. Do you want to "heal" him and try to change him? Why?
If you like to touch your man's package then you should be able to. Why would you want to give that up when it gives you so much pleasure? I wouldn't.
If he doesn't think it's a problem then he would be happier finding a woman that doesn't have a problem with the way he is. If you keep seeing him and try to "heal" his issue, then you'll be more and more unhappy. Without professional help, he won't identify and then work on changing this. It would be nice to be the wonderful woman that helps him overcome this problem, but he has to want to change it.
From what you write, the problem isn't you. You sound normal. If he's really interested in fixing the problem then he will get help. I hope he does. You and I both know what he's missing! | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:35:36 PM | | Geez! I never imagined there could be a guy on earth that didn't like a bj. I have never been in a situation similar to this one. In fact I am even wondering if he is uhmmmm (gay) perhaps? Like hasn't come out of the closet yet. Or do gays even give bj's too. Omg! forget I asked. LOL | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:36:50 PM | ^^^^^Are you seriously wondering if gay guys give each other blowjobs? OMFG
Have you asked him if he was molested as a child? I know this would be an uncomfortable subject but it would certainly explain why he doesn't want anyone touching him. And I have never heard of a guy who does not like a blowjob or that cannot be touched.
I know guys that do not think they are the end all and those that do but this sounds like a pretty big thing to just be "normal" for him without something having happened in his life to make him feel like there is something wrong with touching or doing anything else with his penis.
Also, does he like you to touch him elsewhere or does he not want to be touched at all? There are people that do not like to be touched period and actually have conditions that touch is somewhat painful but I would think you would have mentioned this in your OT. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:46:23 PM | I was with an SO for over 2 and 1/2 years that HATED sex!!!!
He hated BJ's, hands, tongue, fingers, etc.
In the end, he dumped me for causing him too much stress cause I wanted sex and he didn't....
~~weeone~~ | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:49:44 PM | You know what I think??? This might be totally lame but.. I think that may.be you need to give it a little more time.. You didn't say how long you have been intimate with this guy.
He could be feeling guilty that he didn't wait for marriage.
But I think it is an intimacy issue and that the longer you are in a relationship with him and the more he feels connected with you.. then he will want this. But the sexual molestation is a good thought (not a good thought but yall know what I am talking about).
Is he inhibited about touching you?
When you talk to him about it though you need to do it outside the bedroom.. maybe totally away from the house.. like when you are out walking together totally alone of course.. and try to be gentle with him you want inside this man's heart and you don't want to blow it incase it is a simple fix.
Buahahaha please excuse the pun.. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:51:52 PM | There are probably a few things at work here.
1. He's not some mutant It's probably a sensitivity issue. He is not used to the sensation that a mouth on his "member" can have. He has probably only had sex with a condom, so the physical sensation is very new to him. He masks his fear of the sensation by saying he doesn't like it. Remember, he is inexperienced. Don't ruin this by treating him like a freak. Ask him if he trusts you! If he says yes, go from there. Take your time! Don't go all porny on him. Take it slow and easy. He'll warm up it! That's a promise.
2. If he had religious beliefs regarding saving himself, he probably has deep-seeded beliefs that oral is wrong. That can be a tough mental obstacle to overcome. If you develop the trust first, he will come around. Which, lets face it, is what you probably should be doing anyway. If he believes that your relationship is solid, he'll doing anything you want and let you do whatever you want. He probably needs that. Don't give up on him. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:07:21 PM | | I have a feeling, this is just a guess, that something awful may have happened to him when he was younger. Be patient with him, he may trust you enough to open up and tell you if something happened in the past. He may have been touched by an uncle or a family member in an inappropriate manner. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:21:40 PM | the only thing that we can do here is guess at what the hell the guys problem is. He is not normal at all. most men cant get you to touch or suck them fast enough. something is really wrong.
Putting sex aside, do you love him? If yes, then you may want to see help on how to deal with him. He needs help though, one on one and then maybe you as a couple.
You can alway tell him that someone went down on you too and it sucked and that if it would've been your first experience with it, you probably wouldn't want it from anyone after that.
But him losing the erection as soon as you go to touch it, sounds like he got molested or something as a kid. This issue is deeply emotional. And if you dont love him already, run for the hills. RED FLAGS, us woman should stay away from them. (and you guys should too, lol) | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 10:40:50 PM | OKAY: DR PHIL'S alter ego here to talk to you girls about BLOW JOBS! i'm without a doubt sure that any guy that does not like getting head, just hasn't had it done to him right (he is owed at least once in his lifetime to brag about some girl from the past, who did his manhood in a manor that could polish the chrome off a trailer hitch...) i mean toe curling, lip biting " yee haw! baby im buying y'all dinner! -HELL NO IM BUYING YOU A NEW FORD ESCORT FOR THAT PERFORMANCE -WOW!
women: as much as you want to bite or grind or even rub your teeth -NO NO NO, (its not a tootsie pop). no hickeys on our balls etc. no sucking hard! and dont let that little pet name "blow job" fool you, -there is absolutely no blowing involved, and its just like the game JUMANJI -once you have started -your not allowed to stop until were finished, or were both going to be stuck here for a long time. when we finally cum -do you really think we want it smeared/licked back all over us -(were passing you the prize -keep it or get rid of it) just dont make us wear it... and if your not in the mood to do anything with your mouth -well why do you think you have hands -cute little soft rhythmic hands. now, go out and try it -so you have something to talk about on OPRAH...  | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/9/2008 11:15:47 PM | This guy sounds like he needs some serious psychological help. I'm thinking perhaps he was sexually abused or assaulted in the past in some way and hasn't dealt with it. To not even let the lady he's with even touch him.  If it was just the blowjob thing maybe it is just a bad experience but to not even let you touch him, I feel sorry for him.
I for one LOVE giving oral to my lady as well as receiving it. Have you even tried to talk to him about it? It sounds to me like you should. If he is not willing then you should move on. Obviously he will not satisfy you in the end and you will be miserable. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 12:01:03 AM | You seem like a good kid, Girlygrrrl, but ...
"Or do gays even give bj's too. Omg! forget I asked. LOL"
1. Kinda hard to think that a mentally competant adult would question whether gay guys engage in oral sex.
2. You know, you weren't actually talking there, where once something is said, well, it's said and you can't unsay it no matter how regettable it was.. Instead of typing, "Omg! forget I asked. LOL" you could have, say, edited your remarks before posting them.
3. Showing respect to my former friend, styled "opalcat," I must have at least three items in a list. To give this item nominal substance I'll add that I hate "LOL."
Now go and sin no more (except for the really fun kinds of sins).
Pope Bob
"I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to." | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 7:38:40 AM | After all the joking and ridicule subsides you should try a more scientific method to determine if you should pursue this.
Take any traditional coin you might have lying around.Establish a value of "Yes I wish to continue on in this ridiculous scenario"for either Head or Tail of that coin.Then establish the "No" value to the opposing side.
Get a piece of paper to keep record of the results to the folowing exercise.
Toss the coin,with a definite flip to it,and record the next 9 results upon landing of those flips of the coin.
Even though there will be a point of no question to the results,carry out all 9 flips.
There will be a definitely larger number to one of the established values and then it is up to your own ethics to follow the results.
Math never lies!! | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:12:40 AM | Give him more time. Make him fall in love with you. Than give him the best blow job he's had and **** his brains out. Simple. Some men value sex as an act of intimacy (there is nothing wrong with that) so if he is worth it than give him more time and show him that he is more than just another "dick" to you. :) He will never leave you, and if things don't work out he will never forget you. :) Plus he's probably insecure due to his lack of experience. Upbringing is always a good factor in learning about an individual. Maybe he just got out of a terrible relationship and needs to take it slow, you know been hurt. Or, he thinks you are a little sleezy(not that you are but you are older and more experienced) and doesn't want to be a piece of meat. You never know. Haven't you ever heard women say to let them think it is their "idea". Maybe, let him take a lead. He is a man. If he likes you enough he will want to please you.
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:20:45 AM |
Give him more time. Make him fall in love with you. Than give him the best blow job he's had and **** his brains out. Simple.
Did you read the part where she says he goes limp when she even tries to touch it? It is not that simple. But I understand where you are coming from, my first reaction was to just give him a blow job and he would come around, but not in this case. This guy is a head job (ha ha). | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 20 | |
| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:49:00 AM | He went limp because she was doing something he was not comfortable with. Not yet at least. :) For God sakes he is a man and has a**** A****gets hard when the man is turned on and a man (or woman for that matter) gets turned on both emotionally and physically. Everyone is a head job on here. Myself included of course. :) We all have certain issues.
She went at his penis too quick, he wasn't ready. Have you ever been wet in your pants and the guy opens up his mouth and says something real stupid after doing everything else so right? There you go, same thing. Women can turn men off as much as they can turn us off. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:11:10 AM | | My guess is that he has gotten to used to playing with himself. He needs some time to convert over to a healthy sex life with a woman. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:21:40 AM | Ok, I hate to admit it, but she's got a good point here poeple!!!!!
Furthermore, I have to also agree that the molestation issue may, in deed, hold some substance to it. I would explore this first, however, then...
"F**K his Brains Out"!!!
Trying to do the latter before ensuring the former isn't the case, you could be opening up Pandora's Box in a way you wished you'd never unzipped his fly!!! | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 23 | |
| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:30:55 AM | Try touching all around, including tickling his balls, but reserve his penis for warm and wet...that means, head on belly, soft, warm breaths on his penis. DO NOT touch him until he's absolutely rock hard. If he tries to touch it himself, redirect his hands to the back of your hand...tell him to guide your mouth when he is ready.
When you are ready, just warm, wet lips and tongue...no teeth. And while you may not want to deep throat him right away, think about how the intercourse penetration begins...a little, then back, a little more, then back, etc., until he is full in. You want to keep his mind feeling this effect. After you've blown him for a while, use a warm hand to gently, but firmly (like he's masturbating) hold his c0ck while you give him head.
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:35:38 AM | | I think Vernie is probably closest to the truth. The guy could simply be not acquainted with this life-style and find it intimidating. | |
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| Need some advice... re: blowjobs
Posted: 2/10/2008 2:48:55 PM | Honestly, your question has nothing to do with blowjobs, OP... if he wasn't repressing his desire, he'd probably be happy with your technique. No... this is all in the Head, and I'm not talking Suck vs. Lick Ratio.
Either he's totally repressing, in which case he's got a mental block about being sexual with you (or anyone else). This might be based on his upbringing, could be molestation, could be too much porn. You will probably need to talk to him to figure out what it is. You can try a "slow and gentle approach," where you're just pushing his comfort level each time. Like, you're making out... when you're really sucking face, grope him through his pants. Later, put your hand in his pants... Make out topless... Ask him if you can 'take it out.' Don't worry if you're already well past the naked stage... Reboot. Scale back to clothed kissing and start from there.
Alternatively, you can do something a bit more direct. One poster suggested jump him while he's sleeping and that would work. However... if you're not in a consenting sexual relationship with someone, doing them while they're asleep is pretty much Rape. So, here's what you do... Get naked and cuddle, don't worry about getting him hard, just comfortable. Then, tell him to lie back, and close his eyes. You can blind fold him if you think that'd be erotic. Tell him you want him to do two things for you... Breathe slowly. In through the mouth, out through the nose. Next, you want him to think about something unrelated and kind of monotonous. I'm thinking... race cars doing laps or fish swimming in an aquarium. As long as it's something innocuous he can focus his attention on. Once he's nicely set up, go to work. Start slowly, so he doesn't switch his focus on you. If his mind is nicely out of the way, his body can react.
As others have suggested, he might just be having issues transitioning from alone-sex to couple sex. If this seems to be the case, ask him to change his self-love schedule. First, give up the Pr0n. If he needs a visual to get off, he can think about you. Next, he needs to cut back. Young guys can spank it two or more times a day. He should scale back to once every two or three days. Ideally, he should put a few days between his last self-love and the day you want to help him transition. The actual transitioning will work like this. Tell him to take it out, and masturbate. At first you should be pretty passive; maybe kiss him and say some nice things about his penis (guys dig this). Then maybe put your hand on his. Maybe reach underneath and stroke the boys. Work your way down and kiss or lick it while he's stroking, ask him if you can take over. You always need to be evaluating where he's at, and when you can take a step.
I had no intention of writing a novel. And yet, here I am, again...  | |
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