| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 7:53:00 PM | I'm hoping for some feedback and a little insight here that might help me through this time of heartbreak...
Last year I met a woman and hit it off with her in a BIG way. Our relationship lasted for 6 months and was the most wonderful/magical thing I've ever experienced. Her and I became wonderful friends before meeting and once we met we had an instant connection and chemisty. I've had numerous girl friends through the years, but none of the relationships even came close to the intensity of this one. Her and I truly had a love affair going on... We talked about marriage and she was getting ready to move near me due to her job being mobile. Everything was wonderful... and I mean wonderful. Never had I been happier.
Here's what happened... I had some things happen in my past (some trouble with the law 15 years ago in my early 20's, no violence or person to person crime) that I'm not very proud of and I just couldn't figure out how to tell her about them. Well she found out and freaked... She didn't freak out about what I did.. she freaked out because I didn't tell her. She says I betrayed her trust and she left me. She says I broke her heart and says I should have communicated with her. My past is the only thing I didn't fully communicate with her. I communicated and was honest on a daily basis...
I know I messed up here and I know it. I know this is my fauly and I take responsibility for this, but how do I get her to see my past was a painful part of my life and she shouldn't be taking this personal? We are still in contact and I can hear in her voice that she still loves me. She tells me this is tearing her apart as much as it is me. What do I do? I'd really like to know what people think... | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:08:09 PM | | What's past is past. Its your business. Unless of course you had a sexually transmitted disease. Course if you were a registered sex offender it might be a hard thing as well. We all make mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance. Every one. Its what are judicial system is based on. Did she tell you everything? I mean how many guys she slept with? Or what kinda sex she had. Course she didn't cause its none of your business just like its non of her business what happened to you. All that matters is when you met. Beyond that nothinhg else is important cause its gone. Maybe she just needed a way out of things without hurting you and decided to take the first oppertunity and make it your fault. People do this shit. So who's to say she hadn't thought of getting away long before. They say their in love and forever and always. But do we honestly know what the other person is thinking? Honestly we don't. People lie thats the truth all people do. There is no one comp;etely honest. We could debate for ever bout how you felt and everything but you don't know what any feels for sure no one does. Kinda awful isn't it. If she she really loved you she'd forgive and forget and find a way to work things out. Thats the bottom line... | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:10:51 PM | There really isnt much you can do. Pretty much just hope for the best. Reason I say this is because if she truely honestly loves you, and wants to be with you, she should be able to look past your past, and look past your mistakes.
So what if she doesnt take you back? It doesn't me she doesnt love you at all..shes probably just unsure of herself, and scared.
If i was in that situation i'd just wait it out, i'd still keep in contact with her, and i'd let her know more about why I may have did what ive done in my past. Maybe she would understand a lil more about you. We're all only human and we all make mistakes, we're all vulnerble at times when things on our road get bumpy, sometimes we do stupid things. All we can do is try to do our best, and you should do the same for your girl, if it doesnt work out in the end..at least you know you tried. Good luck! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:23:55 PM | | You did NOT make a mistake in not telling her!! Didn't she THINK that maybe you were unsure of how to approach her??? I don't understand why she could not have been more understanding..... | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:35:31 PM | | another possibility..and only she knows...it could be an excuse to break off with you for other reasons she hasnt told you. hope im wrong...but one never knows.. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:36:29 PM | Significant skeletons are difficult. You you can tell someone too early when they have not come to care for you enough to put 15 years ago and what was apparently not a horrendous record in perspective. In your case, you waited too long and the person feels betrayed because you didn't trust her enough to be a big enough person to feel the way she actually did about your past.
About the only thing you can do is honestly apologize for failing to be secure enough in yourself to believe that she could deal with this news in the way that she has. You might also ask her if she would have been as upset if you had told her before she found out independently. Would she have understood why you waited? Is it then your crime that you could not control the way she found out?
Sometimes when we frame things differently it does make a difference to the other person. Initially, you were afraid she would bolt, so you held back. Then you liked her so much you were probably afraid to tell her. Then after a certain point you are totally at a loss as to how to bring it up because you recognize that you should have done it already. You were essentially in a Catch 22.
If she cannot get past it even asking those two questions above, there is really nothing you can do but fondly remember the time together and move on. She can get past it, but only she can choose to do so. If this is the only thing you have not been above-board about it may be time that will allow her better perspective. She is hurt now more than she is angry and as you continue to communicate, all may not be lost. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:43:09 PM | OP, I agree with Jenna and Whoissue. How compassionate is this woman? What happened to you was WAY before you met her. Do you think any of us would admit to dumb stuff we did YEARS ago, learned from, and never repeated that action again?
Maybe try and tell her how it affected you, and were concerned how your actions BACK THEN would affect her opinion of you now. Then let her think about it. And give her time ... as well as yourself ... to really consider this relationship. Honest to God, how perfect is she? How perfect are any of us? | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:44:06 PM | Man, this sounds like something from a soap opera!!!
Forward this to her, let her know a TOTAL stranger wrote it, from the perspective of an adult who knows that people make mistakes:
If you trust this man at all, you should know, in your heart of hearts, that whatever he did, he has paid for. Legally, and morally. You really don't have the right to be angry with him for his mistakes. We all make them. We all have secrets, too. So, he kept this from you. Not because he was attempting to deceive you, but because he is not proud of his actions.
How do you tell someone you love, someone you respect, something that may change the way they look at you, or feel about you? It's a HUGE risk!!! Frightening, possibly even terrifying to know that if you knew the truth, that you may never look at them the same way again. Cut the dude some slack. It's not that he wouldn't tell you. He just couldn't figure out HOW to tell you. He didn't want to risk losing you. (and he was kind of right, wasn't he?????!)
If everything else in your relationship is great, then you have to learn to let go. Get over it. If you can't, then maybe you're not the person he thought you were. He deserves the chance to be forgiven. And you need to be more forgiving.
There ya go. I hope you two can work it out. Take care. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:51:59 PM | Hello!! ok, I think that when we are young we make a lot of mistake. We learn from our mistake and what ever happened, it was long time ago. She may need some time to think and see if she can feel the same chemistry with other person, if not. She may will came back to you. It is not easy feeling those feelings that you both feel before. Just, give her some time and let her know that you are there for her. If you see that with the pass of the time sshe is don't want to get back, move on.
Real Love overcame everything.
Spanish Girl.
Good Luck. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:11:50 PM | | A question I have for you: What is she basing her feelings of "betrayal of trust" upon? Had you two already discussed the topic of crimes and misdemeanors and did you tell her that you had a clean record? If you had done that already and she found this out, her feelings of betrayal is understandable. If, on the otherhand, she feels that you should've disclosed every "secret" in the first 6 months of your relationship, I'd say she's being unrealistic and her reaction is unwarranted. We all have issues and my guess is your "betrayal" struck a chord within her and triggered within her feelings of past betrayals. My suggestion would be to work with her to see if her current feelings are tied to you or something from her past ..... if you can determine what your "act of betrayal" is reminding her of and you can separate the present from her past, you will be able to get through this together. It appears to me that she is interpreting your not telling her about something that happened 15 years ago (hell, another lifetime ago) as an action against her instead of what it really was: an action to keep her. Good luck! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:21:08 PM |
(some trouble with the law 15 years ago in my early 20's, no violence or person to person crime)
So, uhhhh ... What DID ya do?
She didn't freak out about what I did.. she freaked out because I didn't tell her. She says I betrayed her trust and she left me. She says I broke her heart and says I should have communicated with her.
Again, 'WHAT'? Did you DO? cuuuz , see ... I just aint Feelin this. Something just isn't ringing ~TRUE~.
If the Entire Truth Is ... all that is stated? Well, then ... I would Have to 'concur' with the poster who suggested 'something/someOne Else' is a 'goin on' here.  | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:26:03 PM | | We hadn't talked about crimes and misdemeanors... She comes from a very priviledged family and lived a very sheltered life. She's a Christian girl and at 31 is still a virgin. We spoke earlier today and told me that her feelings of betrayal come from me leading her to beleive I didn't have anything like this in my past... and she's right. I've been so ashamed of having a record that I try to keep it a secret. I did want to tell her and would have in time, but I just wasn't ready to tell the one person who thought so highly of me that I was a total screw up in the past. She held me in such high regard I struggled with how to tell her. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:28:22 PM | | The crime was Criminal Possession of Leased Property and Bank Fraud.. I got pissed at my bank and took my money back through the wire systems and when caught the computer wasn't returned resulting in Criminal Possession of Leased Property. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:30:29 PM | The past is simply that...the past! What I'd like to know is how she found out??? And...how old is this woman anyway?
Geez...we ALL have the scary skeletons in our past. It can be hard to tell someone something you may have been ashamed of in the past. I feel it is only neccessary to tell past experiences if it affects the person you are in the present. It sounds like a young mistake you made and big deal! Maybe you should have told her, but for her to give up love for something little you did years ago is not very smart on her part. I am sure there are some things a person could not accept about someones past, but I feel it would have to be major stuff!
Just hang in there....surely she will get over it and forgive you. If she doesn't, she's a fool! | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:44:28 PM | You didn't betray her trust. You made a mistake. I can understand not wanting to reveal something that you are ashamed of doing.
If this is all it takes for her to run from a relationship, then you may be better off. She isn't ready for an adult relationship.
I have to wonder if she would stick around when the going got truly rough. | |
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booh
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Joined: 11/29/2007
Msg: 17 | |
| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:55:33 PM | | I would like to know what the hell you are doing on a dating site!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You really that in love with her? | |
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booh
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Joined: 11/29/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:08:21 PM | | Didn't mean to be disrespectful...just wouldn't be on a dating site if I were upset... | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:30:49 PM | Howdy, almost neighbor...
Hawtmama, gave you a really great note.
So what I am gathering it is Pa who found out about your past?
Hmmmmm, if she came from a priviledged background, and Pa is the one who did the looking, it may not have a lot to do with her, but rather what her family thinks of you now, and the thought of their baby with someone so dishonest. (in their mind)
I am NOT saying that you are a horrible person in the least; heck I am sure that most of us that have had a life did something or another that could make us look less than perfect. No matter what it is, life happens, and we all can try to be perfect, yet still find ourselves in deep with something stinky.
I am not sure if you could brouch the subject, asking her if her hurt is because of what her dad thinks of you now; since you can really hear the love, I'd be guessing that may be the case.
Have you spoken with the dad?
This sounds very sad, and at times people are more interested in appearances than what is really in a persons heart.
I can't give any more sound thoughts than have already been given. I wish you the best, sine you seem sincere, and extremely remorseful for not knowing the best time to tell someone you love a horrible secret you carried.
Good luck...
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:50:42 PM |
She is 31 and her Dad ran a background check.... wasn't pretty.
Ouch.
Well, she's not mad about what you did so much as she's mad that her Dad caught her out. If that's how her Dad is then she'll probably have to choose between you and he anyway, sooner or later. But, Dad got some big ammunition and decided to use it in a surprize attack on you. And he came at you through her.
This isn't between you and she, it's between you and he. She got wounded because you didn't give her the information she needed in order to protect herself. She's got every right to be upset with you about that. It isn't necessarily fatal to the relationship, considering the circumstances. A business deal went bad and you didn't handle it well. Not good, but nothing that restitution and a lesson learned won't amend. It would be good for him to know exactly what you did and why.
What you have to decide for yourself is whether or not you want to remain involved in a family like that. If not, this is a good time to walk away, because her loyalties are obviously torn and you could come out looking very good if you man up, walk away, and end everyone's suffering. Of course, she'll be stuck with Dad, and he'll have won in a big way. He'll also pull that crap on the next guy. But if she's 31 and hasn't grown up enough to tell him to mind his own business and respect her decisions, she probably never will. You'll be dealing with pot-shots from Dad for the rest of your life, and he'll keep working on maintaining his control over for as long as you stay with her.
Or, you can confront dear old Dad and let him know that you're respectful, honest, and willing to talk with him openly about anything, and that in future if he has a problem with you about anything at all you'd appreciate it if he'd come to you instead of needlessly upsetting the woman you love. That approach could work, and it would not only rescue her from the current stress of being in the middle of a fight that's essentially between the two of you males, but it would also put him on notice that when he screws with her he's screwing with you and he's going to hear about it.
A respectful conversation along those lines will set a very good precedent. Just make sure you can do it respectfully. If not, now is the time to leave it behind. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:58:59 PM | I can understand her being upset at first. I think the main questions/concerns would be..
1. Could what happened to you, affect her in anyway if you were to get married etc.
2. Was it a felony and will it be permanent on your record? That could affect jobs etc.
All you can do is tell her you were young and did something stupid and have regretted it ever since. Tell her you wanted to tell her, but you were scared of losing her and just didn't know the right time to tell. But tell her, now you see you lost her over it anyway. Ask her if you did tell her, would it honestly have made a difference in the relationship? I think if she truly loved you and it wouldn't of mattered to her if you told her sooner, she would still be with you after she got done being angry at you. I think the actual situation is the culprit and no matter when/how you told her, she would of bailed anyway. If she is as Christian as you say......... ask her what about forgiveness? | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 11:07:31 PM | Im with the other posters.
Firstly Please for give yourself.
The past is the past it is gone.
If it takes just this for her to flip I dont think shes the woman for you.
Yes I said woman.Shes 31
If she cant make up her own mind with out daddy doing background checks. wow he sounds like the boss, what he says goes.
. Stand up girl if you love this man.
I wonder if daddy has ever done anything wrong?
Christian Family?
Well its Gods place to Judge not Daddies.
He without sin cast the first stone thats just one of the vereses.
Of course we all want the best for our Adult children, but if Daddy hasnt gotton to get to know you in the last 6 months and if shes controlled by daddy move on.
Shes old enough to do her own background checks. Sadly I dont think daddy has let go. If its not you it be the next male, never good enough for his little girl. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/10/2008 11:44:46 PM | | So, you are interested in a 31 year old virgin who's Daddy ran a background check on you... hum, are you sure you are ready for this? This woman seems extremely sheltered & I'd have to assume that this family dynamic will continue. You will probably have to work very hard to convince this woman's family that you are good enough for her. Another thing to think about is that this woman is probably not very independent, which could affect her self esteem & create issues of co-dependency. In my opinion, a health relationship is one in which there are 2 independent individuals merging to create a 3rd entity (the relationship). I may be wrong, but I'd urge caution. ... she may not be emotionally ready for a relationship. She may 1st need to have more autonomy from her family. | |
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| Biggest mistake of my life...
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:08:32 AM | You cannot make her see anything. You have told her your side of the story. If she can't move on, there is nothing you can do to make her.
You have moved on from whatever it was you did 15 years ago, perhaps she should too.
PS: Just for the record, you didn't do anything wrong in this situation so quit beating yourself up for it. I can probably say with all certainty that we all have done things in our past that we are not proud of. To be judged on them 15 years later is a little harsh don't cha think? | |
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