| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/15/2008 3:40:19 PM | I decided to post here because I'm thinking I will get more mature comments from some people my age....
Sorry for the long read-its 5 years stuffed into 1 post.....
Was in a relationship for quite some time and have twin daughters that will be 4 next month. We were ok for a long time and I even left my home and career at the time to move a be a family. It was a very hard transition for me and it caused a few problems between us but nothing too serious or so I thought.
Their mother travels quite a bit in her profession and is usually gone from 5 to 8 months out of the year. Needless to say they are both daddy's girls and I would be lying if I said I didn't love it. I have raised them myself(mostly alone) since before they knew how to walk. For the past 3 years or so they have been my life and my everything.
Well about a year and a half ago, on one of her 5 month trips she "fell in love" with a married man. I found out and and I we broke up. I still had to keep my girls when she leaves for work and she wanted us to work through the affair. I never had any reason to not trust her before and in my eyes she was the most loyal perfect woman I had ever met.
As with most people, when things like that happen, we start to question other aspects of our relationship and I decided to go get a paternity test on my girls....
The tests finally came back about a week after my ex returned home and the girls turned out not to be mine. I was devastated. If ya ever thought you wanted to see a grown man cry think again-its a mess!
Well I didn't confront her about it right away but started to ask questions about our past and she told me that she was with someone a month after we were together. I got the feeling that she already knew what i was getting at and when I told her the results she just started crying and apologizing. She said she did't think it was possible because she did the math. And I asked her why didn't tell me about the other guy and she said because it didn't matter because she knew he wasn't the father. Her story is so unbelievable to me because she is a very intelligent woman and that just seems so "Mauryish" to me. She says the tests are probably wrong and she doesnt see their father in them-she only sees me.
So where do I go from here? I love my babies to death but I really don't know how I am supposed feel about the situation. I miss my babies dearly and eventhough she says I am their dad and I should try to make the family work for the kids at least, i just can't do it.
So I would like to know your thoughts:
Do you believe anything she is saying?
What do I do about my babies?
Her job transferred her to Germany so I can either see them once or twice a year/ find a job that gets me closer to them(starting over again)/or just fade out of their life which I can't even stand the thought of.
How do I shake my slight feeling of mistrust I have?
Like I said before I thought of her as the most trustworthy person I ever met(yes I have dated other women both good and bad).
I have bounced back and I am doing well emotionally-That's why I can share it with you all now.
Feel free to be blunt as you want to be... I love POF people- you are so brutally honest! | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:19:33 PM | Personally, if I were in your situation, I wouldn't care what she wanted as far as a relationship.
But those girls...as you said, they are your babies. It takes more than sperm to make a father, and from what you have posted, you are their father. I personally couldn't break their hearts by relinquishing that role, or my own heart for that matter.
Yes she lied, and she hurt you. But those babies did nothing. If she is still having that type of schedule, why not go for sole custody. Because you have raised them for the most part for several years, I cannot see why a judge wouldn't overlook the paternity.
Good luck OP, and remember...just love those girls with all your heart. That is more important than anything. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/15/2008 4:30:34 PM | That is one of the most heart wrenching stories I have ever heard. I am so sorry for your betrayal and heart ache.
The only words I can possible offer you is that even though you may not share blood with your babies, they are still yours. They know no other father and the love you've given them over the years is worth much more than any dna strand. I was adopted and the family that raised me are my parents. I love them dearly. Even after meeting my biological parents I felt even more blessed that fate placed me where it did. Your children will know that too. You have been there for the most important years of their life already and have made a huge impact on them. Fight for your right to love them. Fight for them. Please don't fade away.
As for fighting for the family as a whole unit. I don't see how putting yourself in a position to be hurt, cheated on and lied too will help anyone. Least of all you. Seek legal help and see what your options are for joint custody and protect your heart from future torment.
I wish you strength and courage to withstand this. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/15/2008 5:09:21 PM | | Speak to a lawyer. Pronto. Custody and guardianship, relocation, child support…you need legal advice on all issues. If you do not, she may take the children to Germany, and you may be held responsible for supporting children you rarely see. Do it quickly. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/16/2008 2:11:36 AM | Ouch.
Touchy read i will give you that much. For all intents and purposes you are the only dad that the two kids know and i suppose it is up to you if you want them. In the court you might have a hard time gaining custody as they are not even yours even in the face of her actions.
As far as child support is concerned as was mentioned in the post above me you are not legally obligated to pay for anything.
I would try to get the kids if i were you. All is in your favor but it will be a fight and if i was the judge i would have a hard time deciding on this. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/16/2008 5:29:14 AM | | This is sad... but you need to look at the whole picture ,she says your their dad and you should try too make the family work for the kids at least while shes gone 5 to 8 months out of the year, having an affair with a married man while your thinking shes the most loyal trusting women you've ever met...for your own good and happiness if I were you I think to fade out would be better then being used as a nanny for a deceitful women ,unfortunantly its you and the girls who pay the price for her and her 2 lives,personally I dont know how a women could stay away from her kids 5 to 8 months out of the year . | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/16/2008 6:25:51 PM | | Get a lawyer now,I have a friend and a cousin who both tried to get custody after divorces only to find out then that the kids weren't theirs.Both times the biological fathers were the wifes bosses,both times they got married and moved away,since they were the biological parents they got full custody,the men who had thought they were the fathers were left out in the cold. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/17/2008 1:25:14 AM | Paternity fraud is one of the most horrible things ever. I believe the incidence is increasing too. One of my most recent school papers was on the same subject. Estimated at over 10% in the western world.......... Allegedly 30% of all paternity tests are coming back with the man not as the father .........
Ouch.
Speak to a lawyer specializing in paternity fraud asap. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/17/2008 12:04:38 PM | Please do not punish your daughter's for their mother's indiscretions.
You ARE their father. They know you as their father. Imagine being four and having your daddy just disappear...how do you think your daughter's would feel?
I am no legal expert by any means, but I suspect you should go talk to a lawyer about getting custody, or at least shared custody, of your kids. Because you were an active participant in their lives for four years and are the only father they know, the courts may consider giving you at least partial custody.
The sad thing is, even though they aren't your kids by blood, the courts would make you pay child support, but be prepared for a fight if you want any rights other than paying support.
It will be a fight, I'm sure. But I wish you the best of luck and hope that you keep your kids in your life. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/17/2008 2:02:08 PM | | Whew! Well, your ex is a bit of a tramp, as is mine. I went through a very similar situation when in April 2004 my then wife told me that my 7 1/2 month old boy was not mine and that she had been seeing another married guy off and on for 1 1/2 years. She knew from the day she found out she was pregnant that he was not mine. I tried to hold things together for about six months but the trust was gone and it didn't work. For about a year I had very little to do with the little guy because of the affair and he reminded me of it. Then I forgave her for the affair, the divorce was final and I started taking him along with my twin boys (twins are the best way to have kids I believe) and have accepted him as my own. I seriously doubt you can walk away from these little girls after 3 years of bonding, even if you wanted to. The tests are accurate, the other guy was tested and was proven to be the father and is paying child support for my little boy. Whether you want to move is up to you but I'd keep seeing the girls. Trusting another woman isn't that hard, just realize that there are good women out there. I refuse to live a life of mistrust, and I am not the controlling type that wants to watch his partner's every move. I trusted my ex completely, it would have been so easy to catch her, a peek at her cell phone, checking her email, any of it would've exposed her, but I didn't do those things till after she told me about the affair. I was working long hours at two jobs which enabled her to carry out her little tryst. Funny you mentioned Mauryish, I told her I wish she would've told me on Springer so I could've at least beat his ass. You have my sympathy chum, keep your chin up and provide the father figure those girls need. And I hope you are not the one paying child support. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:07:59 PM | I don't think it is a healthy relation to be together just for the sake of the kids. In your situation, could you ever trust your wife ever again? Especially in her situation, in which she travel quite a bit and leave for a long period of time. There will alway be questions in the back of your mind. Plus, kids are not stupid, they can sense things are not going well with their parents. Continuing for the sake of the kids is just delaying the inevitable.
From your post, you seems to love your kids very much. Ask your self this, would your kids be better without you? who were there when they were born? Who had alway been there for them? Can you do without them?
In any case, as many had suggested, get your self a lawyer and protect your self. Best of luck in your situation | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:12:07 PM | How sad! 
Unfortunately, step-parents (which is essentially what you are... as you aren't the biological) rarely have any rights as far as custody and visitation unless the biological parent allows you to out of the goodness of her heart. That said, depending on your local laws, she may still take you to court for child support.
You do need to get a lawyer, and with luck you will be able to keep seeing the girls.
Best of luck! | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/17/2008 6:01:37 PM | This post brought a tear to my eye and I'm so sorry x Thats so awful.
My ex was is similar position to you but didnt go through paternity tests beause at the end of the day he loved the kids regardless but there was a chance at least one out of the three wernt his.
You are them babies dad. No question. In heart. It takes more than sperm to make a Daddy and they still need you and they love you.
Your ex is a cheatin, lying cow. Dispicable and course she knew, us women are not stupid.
I do think you need to see a solicitor however. You may have no rights over these children and I dont know laws in other countries or anythin but if you cant see them etc then you shouldnt be payin there upkeep so if your willin to pay you should have access and all that comes with it.
I wouldn't cut your children off. You and them are innocent in this but you do need to sort stuff out and like I say, now its important x Good luck hun xx | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/18/2008 12:22:46 AM |
Their mother travels quite a bit in her profession and is usually gone from 5 to 8 months out of the year.
As soon as you said that, I wasn't at all surprised. In fact, I knew there was a high probability that another man was the genetic father of at least one of your daughters. It is common, even when women stay at home. Men that expect their mates to be faithful are naive because there is natural selection basis for them not to be.
Cuckoldry is the fate of males the animal kingdom over. In study after study of species after species, the idea that females are naturally devoted to their one and only mates has fallen to growing evidence that many of the world's supposedly monogamous females are guilty of their share of indiscretions.
Yet in spite of these findings, many biologists, especially male biologists, held out hope that some males might be immune to this kind of treatment by their mates -- particularly the exemplary, hard-working fathers.
But research reported in the Proceedings of the Royal Society shatters that dream. Although the diminutive males do everything to care for the young of their raucous, beefy females, these males are cuckolded. Under some circumstances, the researchers found, males had a 74 percent chance of raising another male's offspring, a mistake in the evolutionary race to perpetuate one's own genes.
''It's about as bad as it can be for these guys,'' said Dr. Peter Wrege, a behavioral ecologist at Cornell University who wrote the paper with Dr. Stephen Emlen at Cornell and Dr. Mike Webster of the State University of New York at Buffalo. ''A male stuck with doing all the parental care should have a very high certainty of paternity, but in fact, that's not the case.''
Dr. Patricia Adair Gowaty, behavioral ecologist at the University of Georgia at Athens, who described herself as having made a cottage industry of writing about mating behavior from the female perspective, called it ''absolutely fascinating,''
''The females are really in the catbird seat,'' Dr. Gowaty said. ''They seem to be getting whatever they want.''
In some species, males appear to keep track of such things as strange males lurking around the territory or the amount of time the female spends out of sight to assess the likelihood that the female is mating with another male. And when males sense trouble, they sometimes do not work quite so hard to feed the young, letting their cheating female pick up the slack. Females, meanwhile, appear to go to great lengths to keep any transgressions secret, sneaking copulations when their mate is not around and even soliciting copulations from other males in their mate's presence only to make a grand show of rejecting them. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/18/2008 6:56:45 AM |
Unfortunately, step-parents (which is essentially what you are... as you aren't the biological)
But wouldn't he be on the hospital birth certificate? Unless he chalenges it, he would still legaly be considered the father. (I could be totaly wrong) | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/18/2008 7:15:08 AM | Wow, dude, sorry to hear that the test came back negative.
As far as how to handle your relationship with the woman, the only advice I can offer is to think more about the present and the future than about the past. (If you start over with someone new, she'll have a past too.)
As far as the children go, I believe that being a Dad is MUCH more important than being a father. You love them. They love you. It's not their fault where they came from. I say Be there for them. (Oh, but you may want to sue for child support.)
Good luck to you. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/18/2008 10:42:47 PM | | Dude, you are living one of my worst nightmares when it comes to domestic issues. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/19/2008 5:09:00 AM | Actions speak louder than words...or sperm, in this case.
You know what's the right thing to do. Continue being a father to YOUR wonderful girls! Maybe you won't be able to see tham as often, for a while. They will come back to you later in life...& you'll still be there for them.
You sincerely have my utmost respect. I cannot think of a cooler, more noble thing a man could do than put the emotional needs of those children above his own.
Seriously, this makes you WAY more of a true man (in the best sense of the word) than merely providing the genetics. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/19/2008 8:35:13 AM |
Unfortunately, step-parents (which is essentially what you are... as you aren't the biological) rarely have any rights as far as custody and visitation unless the biological parent allows you to out of the goodness of her heart. That said, depending on your local laws, she may still take you to court for child support.
You do need to get a lawyer, and with luck you will be able to keep seeing the girls.
Actually - as long as his name is on the birth certificates, he is the LEGAL father and he has as much right as she does. Based on what he has said, he has a VERY good shot at primary custody and I agree with the other posters who suggested he get a lawyer and secure primary custody.
To the OP - hopefully, you and the mother can work out things civilly and she will not raise a fight regarding custody - it doesn't sound like her job allows her to be much of a parent anyway. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 2/19/2008 6:20:31 PM | | If your Ex is truly sorry she will allow you to adopt the girls (and pay the fee) and have you legally recognized as their Dad. Anything less would be cruel to you and them. She needs you to parent those kids in order to continue in her career anyway. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:15:23 PM | Hi hunny.
I just read your story and I literally teared up. Even though I am a female, I put myself in your shoes and it breaks my heart. I couldn't image finding out that my little girl, who is now 1, was not mine. I feel for you! Truly!
As far as what to do, just as many people have said, first get a lawyer. The decision is obviously yours to make. However, what she wants does not matter. This is about you and YOUR little girls. If I were in your shoes, I would most definitely fight for them. Its not their fault, and its not your fault.
The solution, in my opinion, would be to fight for custody. That doesn't mean that she can't see them. Hell, you already basically have custody. She is never there (which, by the way, as a mom, I don't understand. I can't leave my child for a weekend without dying to see her. That alone says something about her character.). Which means, you would keep them in a stable environment where they aren't moving or being without a parent while their mother works, and they could see her when she is not working. She can come see them! They will be in school soon. They need stablility more than anything at this age.
As far as child support goes, I can already tell that you are not very concerned with this. However, child support is awarded to the parent or legal gardian that provides more than half of their expenses and support. With her being gone so much, you would not have to worry with child support.
I really hope this helps. I'd like to know the outcome, if you don't mind. I will pray for you. I'm not very religious, but I do believe in God. If you are trying to do right by the children, God will work it out. I'm not preaching by any means. Don't take it that way. Even if you aren't close to him or haven't spoken to him. Give him a hello and tell him you are putting it in his hands. I promise, he will work it out for the girl's best interest.
Good luck with what ever you decide.
Tera | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:44:11 AM |
So where do I go from here? Get a lawyer and get all your legal responsibilities and options clearly identified and on the table.
Do you believe anything she is saying? No, and neither should you.
What do I do about my babies? They're her babies, not yours. You were the nanny.
Sue their parents for unpaid wages and expenses - and then leave that money to the kids in your will.
How do I shake my slight feeling of mistrust I have? With her, you don't. With others...practice, practice, practice.
Good luck with that.
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:55:20 AM | OP: I dare say that the situation you are in, and going through, is every man's worst nightmare/fear.
So I'm unable to provide you advice on what to do next, how to proceed. You'll have to muddle through on your own.
I would like to point out however, something that you may not have considered.
The biological father has rights.
He may not have been told the truth either. He may be a great guy, that is responsible and more than willing to help bring up his kids. Or he may be a jerk.
Just another mine field to navigate.
All the best of luck. | |
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| Thoughts on Paternity....
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:49:42 PM |
If your Ex is truly sorry she will allow you to adopt the girls (and pay the fee) and have you legally recognized as their Dad. Anything less would be cruel to you and them. She needs you to parent those kids in order to continue in her career anyway.
What she said. What a sad situation. Good luck, OP. | |
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