| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:01:07 AM | im 18 and i have been dating a while but all jerks so i need some real advice .. i want to know whether to tell this guy to go or give him another chance?
ive known this guy for over a year.when we first met(on POF)i thought he seemed like a cool guy.we started talking more and more through msn.we finally decided to go on a date.the night of our date he tells me he has a family emergency and we would have to reschedule.so that was fine.after that we talked less and less and then not at all.then in august of 07',he called me one night to meet up and go for a coffee.i was with my friend and he was with his so they both came and got me and my friend.we stopped somewhere to talk.and then he asked to talk to me alone.he was telling me all of this personal stuff and i was like wow,hes a great guy.that night we had been drinking and one thing lead to another,even though i wish it hadnt and we hooked up.after that he didnt want to see me again.he had also been flirting and sleeping with alot of other girls.but anyway .. then i started dating another guy,and the summer guy got mad at me.then when i became single he wanted another date but i didnt bite.now hes telling me that hes changed and that he really wants to have a real date soon.he keeps saying he felt the need to grow up and that hes done being an idiot.he said that he really wants to try this time and that he really does like me..he told me that he knows im not looking for a hook up and i want something serious and that he does too .. he wants to get together on the 29th and spend time with me .. soo :
do i go on the date or tell him no? | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:09:58 AM | | If you can trust yourself give him another chance. But hold off on "hooking up". If he can wait then there might be more there. If he pressures you then walk away. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:14:19 AM | It doesn't sound like it has a real high probability for success. And further more, it sounds like you might be a little too into him to be trusted to make the right decision for what's best for you.
If you were to give him another chance, I would take things very slowly. I'm skeptical, but sometimes we do stupid stuff, and realize it later... so it's not wholly outside the realm of possibility that he's cleaned up his act.
My advice is if you're able to decide what you're willing to accept from him behavior wise, and the confidence to absolutely stick to it and remove yourself from the situation should signs of his old self resurface.... a very important "IF" there... then I don't see the harm in starting slowly to see if it was he says is true. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:21:20 AM | | So, this is the way people your age act, talk, and think? I guess with maturity, these questions sort themselves out. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:26:03 AM | | Sounds like he's using you as a "convienience" girlfriend/date... Sorry! I'd say no, he's had his chance and it's not like there aren't plenty of other fish in the sea! | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:26:56 AM | | no.this is how i,who has been through more then you'll ever know or believe..is trying to build a new life for myself and trying to make better decisions.so i look for advice from other people | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:28:06 AM | | thanks for your advice Simon .. i may actually go with what your saying and tell him to get away! | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:35:52 AM | | Your a cute looking girl... they'll all come running, and you wont ever look back.. Trust me! | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:38:01 AM | If he truly wants you, he will be your friend first and not look for more, but I doubt that will happen since you both seem to enjoy sex together.
At your age it is more hormones than understanding, and chemistry, so you have to decide if you can deal with his hormones, yours, and sleeping around.
This is one of the reasons I am so glad to be mature and not have to deal with all of that......been there.......done that....... He will think with his "little brain" much more than his "large brain" for a number of years, and it is your choice to be a part of that or hold yourself to a different standard.
Know this though, there will come a time in your life that you will have even more hormones and desires then you do right now, and when that happens, it will be your turn to decide how many you want, where, when, and how it looks........and maybe you just might want to think about that now and start doing it sooner......
If you want a way to think about it and see if he is truly committed to you and not just his d*ck, then tell him to go down with you to be tested, make sure you both are clean and healthy, have birth control, and then be open enough to say that if you want my body this way, it needs to be just the two of us having sex and not "hook up's" all over.
If he can commit that way, and take the time to be open and honest with you, prove it, and understand you and why you need this, then he might be worth the sack time, and maybe, just maybe maturing enough to be thinking somewhat more with his "real brain".......
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 11:50:08 AM | You detailed quite intimately what occurred. That gives anyone here who wants to advise you plenty to work with.
Just don't go assuming that other people have less experience than you do, regardless of how much experience you currently have packed into your 18 years on the planet. The fact of the matter is, that you have already expressed that you were unable to keep yourself from doing something that you didn't want to do... hooking up with him although you wish you hadn't. Especially because underage drinking was involved, that speaks volumes about inexperience. You can't argue this point.
With that out of the way, this guy already knows that if he says and does the right things, and if he makes sure to bring along some alcohol, he's gonna get you in the sack. How does he know this? He's already done it. Not only that, he is continuing to do the same thing. He dumped you, went off and did his thing with other girls, and he's back saying all the right things again. It's working too, because now you want him back again.
You have to look at yourself very harshly. Are you only after the shallow things this guy can provide? He obviously can't provide security, or trustworthiness. He doesn't know a thing about respect. Honesty escapes him. Let me guess. He's cute, he's in good shape, he makes you laugh, and he makes you wet. I don't mean to be crude, but that's what I get from what you've said.
If you want a real relationship, one that is going to last, and be worth holding on to, I don't believe that this guy can provide it. And if by some miracle he can, it is going to take a lot of time for him to prove it to you. If you just want to go out and have some fun, then just do it. If he doesn't call you again, then you had that fun. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 12:29:41 PM | OP
Leave that guy be. Tell him to get lost.
You seem to lack what some call intuition, self observation, live-conscience or the ability to take a step back and evaluate the situation or decision real time. This comes with time and maturity. This guy and others like him will seek you out because you don't have this skill yet. They know you will make emotional decisions and end up chasing whatever flashy and exciting he has to offer you without being able to see what he is doing. The first response when they might be getting caught is "I have changed" or "I will change" I am surprised they haven't had to update that same line for generations. Once you gain this skill you will see this coming like you have seen the movie a thousand times.
You have to be able to see the mistakes you made that night in real time. For instance, dismissing his flirting with other women, deciding to agree to drink with him and not being aware of your sobriety and decision making ability, what made you decide to sleep with him or did it just seem to happen? Those are things you may or may not be asking yourself now but should work to ask yourself in the moment when it is happening.
When that happens guys like this will not hit on you long because they can see clearly they can't manipulate you easily so they move on to the next easy victim.
I hope that helps. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 12:34:20 PM | phule:
you are going to turn this around on me?thats great of you .. its 50/50 blame .. me and him .. not all me .. this guy had already told me he had been in love with me .. i had known him before that for almost a year .. i hadnt heard a bad opinion of this guy .. my friends thought he was a nice guy for me and i did too. we werent dating for him to dump me either . | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 12:36:25 PM | UniqueManinSoCal:
thanks for the advice .. ill think over what you said so i can improve myself .. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 12:54:43 PM | Okay this really sounds like you are a date of convenience to him
If that is what you want from him also then go for it.
He sounds like a player and is saying things to you that he thinks you want to hear.
Hell your only 18, go have fun, find other guys to "play" with.
Do yourself a favor though and do not waste your time on this one guy.
Good luck | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 12:55:18 PM | | Well, from what I read, you started dating someone else, he got jealous and decided to ask you out again, maybe because he wants to assure himself that he's letting that other guy have you and that, should he decide to want you back, he could have you. Yet, when he tried to get you back you turned him down. If that were me a few years ago I would probably say whatever it is I think you would want to hear in order to change your mind then just go my own way after all was said and done, my ego stroked. Just my two cents anyway, you could give him a chance but I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt. You get a new boyfriend, turn down his invitation and suddenly he has an epiphany and decides to change...Riiiiiiight. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 1:33:40 PM | | I'd say be a little cautious about giving out second chances. This one looks like it may take a nasty turn.....again. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 1:36:47 PM |
you are going to turn this around on me?thats great of you
Yes Jenna, it is great of me. If you bear any responsibility in this at all, then some of it has to be turned around on you. Do you have the power to say Yes or No to this boy? If yes, then you have to bear some of the responsibility.
Is this guy trustworthy? No, he isn't. Is he someone you can depend on? No, he isn't. He might be in the future, but then again, he might not be. However, he has already proven that he is CURRENTLY not these things. You should be able to see this as clearly as I can.
If he really loved you, why did he drop you from his life? Ok, he didn't realize how much he loved you until AFTER he dropped you from his life. Does he realize how much he hurt you by sleeping with you then pulling a vanishing act? How long is it going to take him to realize that? How is he going to make up for that, and more importantly, WHEN is he going to make up for that?
Sorry about my bad choice of words, in saying "dump". Use your experience and intelligence to substitute whatever phrase you *knew* I meant, because you knew what I meant.
You cannot escape your own responsibility. You already explained it. Getting Drunk. Having sex when you SAY you know you shouldn't have. Don't go getting all insulted because I called you on your own responsibility. I never put it ALL on you. I pointed out how he doesn't seem to have a handle on the things most women find important in a relationship, and yet you still want him. That means you want him for other reasons. Those other reasons are usually on the shallow side. I'm sorry that you find that insulting as well.
I'll repeat myself, because you missed it the first time. I'll repeat it because although it puts the decision in your hands, it makes it very simple.
If you want a real relationship, one that is going to last, and be worth holding on to, I don't believe that this guy can provide it. And if by some miracle he can, it is going to take a lot of time for him to prove it to you. If you just want to go out and have some fun, then just do it. If he doesn't call you again, then you had that fun. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 3:36:50 PM | "UniqueManinSoCa" . . . or . . . "Phule" . . . geeeeze which should I marry!!!
Decisions . . . . DECISIONS . . .!!!!
OP: From the bottom of my heart take seriously what these two guys are offering . . . VERY IMPORTANT . . . each in their own style . . . but nevertheless the most important advise of ya life . . .
Best of wishes,
Just another friendly fishie in these aguas . . . .
~Myth~ | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 9:48:42 PM | Was that a sentence? Looked like a flipping texticle!
*Pictures a young know it all going crazy with the thumbs on her all-important cell phone while she cranks some Avril Levigne on her too goddamned loud ipod...*
For a "woman" your age...ask another relationship question when you're 26...at the very least! Until then, it's your bedtime...put your Barbie's away... | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/17/2008 10:16:38 PM | ^^^^ its past your bedtime too grandpa.
a 22 year old who claims to have grown up doesnt go after 18 year olds in the hopes of a long term serious relationship.
hes screwed you using the "hey, lets ****" route. now hes trying to screw you using the "im a reformed man" route.
if you want to get ****ed again, hook up. if you want a relationship, well, he used you once... | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:41:24 AM | Yar. I'm posting past my bedtime too. My first inclination was to post something mean... gonna post something nicer instead, and go to bed.
Basically, pretty much everyone who read your full account is standing in a lineup, waiting to give you a shake and say "you got played, girl!" You need to let your head rule your heart a bit... and operate on the assumption that every guy who's your age (or close to it) has the ulterior motive of wanting to get into your pants. Which doesn't mean you can't ever let a guy into your pants... you just have to make sure that he's a good guy that's going to play fair in bed and out first. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/18/2008 5:33:18 AM | Well, first Jenna I have to say that you're still a young lady and you have so much of your life a head of you. There is so much time for finding the right guy so please I hope you don't feel compelled to be looking for Mr. Right now.
Whether or not you want to go on a date is up to you. If you're worried that he's looking for nothing but a hook-up ( I guess that's what the kids are calling it now) then you can make it plain. Dating a few times first and if he's a gentleman and really wants to be with you for the sake of having a relationship then things can wait. I think you're the only one that can tell though whether his intentions are honorable or not. Young men can be prone to saying things we might not mean in an effort to get what we want. But it looks like you're smart enough to know that. Best of luck. | |
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| Guys .. i need some advice
Posted: 2/18/2008 6:10:19 AM | | nah people dont change if you borke up with him once there was a reason for it and more then likely if you go out with him again you'll probably break up with him again for the same reason...so i would say stay away | |
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