| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:27:16 PM | I'm just wondering what to do about my situation....
Out a few times, we are planning our first 'in' date and I suspect that sex may become involved. I'm attracted to the guy and he has indicated he is attracted to me however I am not certain if he is seeing other people besides me at this point (I regularily see him online on POF). I personally am a one guy at a time kinda girl, but not so naive to think that that is how all people operate.
If sex becomes a possibility is it reasonable for me to ask if he is seeing others? Or reasonable to say, hey I want to keep seeing you to see where things go but I can't have sex with you while you are still dating and potentially sleeping with other people? I don't want to scare him off, but I don't like the idea of sleeping with others by proxy.... :D
What does one do in this situation? | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:37:09 PM | Don't have sex until you are comfortable enough to have this discussion with him.
It is reasonable for you to say whatever you want to say. It is his choice how to respond.
In other words, I think whatever you want is fine - you can tell him you don't want sex til you are married if you want to. I don't much care. Again, it is his choice how to respond. You can say I will only have sex w/you if we are exclusive.
The important thing here is that you don't compromise your beliefs and integrity for someone else.
Like if you say "I can't have sex if you are having sex w/others" and he says "well, it's only one other chick and I really want to have sex w/both of you, on alternating days". Then you don't want to turn around and say "wellllll, ok, I guess", because you've already said that's not ok with you.
If you don't feel comfortable having this discussion, then don't let him into your bed. Period. Think about it.
Kaylie | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:47:10 PM | It sounds like all things being equal you would like to have sex with this guy. Your concern is a valid one. But don't come right out and ask him right away.If you are starting to get romantic explain how you feel.Then see what he says.If you are satisfied with his answer then there is no problem. If you aren't then it's fish or cut bait.
I had one date with a lady and we are planning to date again this weekend.I'm on POF a lot because I enjoy the forums not to meet someone else.Give him the benefit of the doubt. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:47:33 PM | | Don't have sex until you feel comfortable with it. The last thing you want regardless of his dating situation is, is regretting it. I always make sure it's clear before pants come off, that if they do, it is an exclusive commitment between both parties. He will probably respect you for asking. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:48:12 PM | Don't stand down from your principles if you still have control of the situation. Have a firm understanding of what your personally priorities are. I know it's cliche, but there is plenty of fish out there for you that share your principles!!!
It is totally reasonable to ask him the question. If you don't ask, you will never know. If he runs off....you saved yourself from a possible disaster. Now that would be something you will not regret. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:59:22 PM | I always ask this question before because i never after just no string sex however i would like to make 2 points:
How does one know that the answer is totally honest?
Many times i heard " i will stop sleeping with others if you are really really good in that". | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:06:56 PM | | Let's also understand that some guys will tell you anything when you're throwing out signals. Try not to wait until the heavy breathing starts. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:12:48 PM | | Thank you guys! I'll try to broach the subject before I get in over my head :D | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:21:26 PM | If sex becomes a possibility is it reasonable for me to ask if he is seeing others? It's not unreasonable for you to want to know if he's seeing others, before you begin a sexual relationship with him.
However, even if he says he's not seeing others, you should still be cautious. Rather than take an unneccessary risk, just because you were willing to believe someone, who you were meeting for the 1st time.
we are planning our first 'in' date and I suspect that sex may become involved If you're willing to have sex on first dates, with strangers from the internet, you do realise you're entering a potentially risky situation.
don't like the idea of sleeping with others by proxy Technically, even if he's no longer sleeping with other people, you're still sleeping with his former partners "by proxy".
Just be cautious when entering into a sexual relationship with anybody. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:25:58 PM | | You read that wrong, by first 'in' date I am referring to first time in one of our homes, rather than the dinner and drink dates we have already had. We have already had 3 dates so no this is not a first date, and yes I am well versed at safe sex. But even with safe sex, I don't like sharing ;) | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:28:08 PM |
by first 'in' date I am referring to first time in one of our homes Sorry, I did misunderstand that to mean "1st date".
I guess i'm not familiar with the term "'in' date" | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:29:24 PM | | I think you need to be upfront with him and let him know how you feel about things. Better to talk about it first than to get into and be disappointed afterwards because you hadn't expressed yourself first. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/5/2008 5:53:31 PM | | YOu absolutely have a right to knowif he has other partners for STD reasons, etc..If you are going to sleep with him and want to be the only one, then maybe you best not sleep with him right now. If he wants you to be the "only one" I understand that if you ask, it looks like you are trying to keep him for yourself, but I'd ask anyway. You should know where he is with wanting a exclusive relationship or not. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:04:31 PM | | Any time you choose to have sex with someone, you have the right and the responsibility to set the ground rules. Part of the reason so many women get so emotionally attached after sex is because they don't set clear parameters before they do the deed. If you have certain guidelines you believe should be in place before you will sleep with someone (i.e. monogamy), then it's YOUR responsibility to initiate the discussion prior to having sex, not HIS. If you fail to do this, then you really have no one but yourself to blame if the end result is different than what you're expecting. Good luck! | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:14:43 PM | The guidelines would be health and opportunity, and the desire to enjoy one another without any restraints........ 
To be emotionally attached is just another level of commitment that is desired by one or both, and that needs to be discussed as well.
There is no need to ask for more then is, when with another, and if more is wanted, then you need to be the one to let not only the other know, but yourself as well......
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:42:25 PM | 1- why would you even be considering sex with someone you are not comfortable talking to in the first place, mostly because YOU DON"T KNOW HIM YET.
2- why would you be afraid to ask any sexual questions you may have including but not limited to STDs, bisexuality or otherwise?
3- it is your life you are talking about, speak up or you may end up DEAD.
4- Why would you want to sleep with someone you are not sure of anyway? Invest in a good B.O.B and the life you save might be your own......... | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:25:19 AM | Re the Opost:
"If sex becomes a possibility is it reasonable for me to ask if he is seeing others?"
Reasonable yes, but what guarantees a) the thruth or b) that he may not see somone else 1 day later?
"Or reasonable to say, hey I want to keep seeing you to see where things go but I can't have sex with you while you are still dating and potentially sleeping with other people?"
Again, one can ask, but what guarantees a true reply? A lie detector test?
"I don't want to scare him off, but I don't like the idea of sleeping with others by proxy.... "
Most of us do not like or are not comfortable with one thing or another.
The best solution IMO is to always use protection, no matter what.
"What does one do in this situation?"
IMO, one can ask, but to be safe, use protection anyway. In matters of the heart and sex we cannot IMO/IME expect others to act rationally or consistently or too think that trust or commitment will do the "job", so the best available protection is protection. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:52:19 AM | | open communication is the key to any realtionship, if you can't talk about anything, it won't usually last, you need to say exactly what you said here to him. good luck | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:06:44 AM | | Do what you are comfortable with. If waiting for exclusive, reasonable to talk with him about history and current events from sexual standpoint. if that scares him away,likely wasnt the man for you anyway. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:41:46 PM | Do you desire sex with him for the pure enjoyment as well as the pleasure it provides to you and he? Or.... Do you desire to wait and use sex as a weapon as in "if you're seeing others you aren't going to get into my panties"?
So assume you ask him if he's sleeping with others.....do you want a canned reply or honesty? If he is sleeping with others and his response is "well yes I am" are you going to sleep with him? If he responds with "well no I'm not" then what?
Most males are unfortunately conditioned to respond with what a women desires to hear. What the hell......sleep with him and if you enjoy it at the least you'll have a lover which may turn into more. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:46:10 PM |
What does one do in this situation?
I would say talk to him. 
If you are considering opening your bodies to each other don't you think it is only proper you know sasome history and inclinations? | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:34:40 PM | I understand what you are saying. I perfer to be in a monogamus relationship. But, this much I know...just because you have sex with someone do not assume they are going to suddenly change their entire lives. I believe most men, who are not in relationships, have someone they do regularly at least sleep with.
I think one of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is after having sex to start demanding exclusiveness. You can not force someone into anything. They have to want it and feel it. If they truly feel something for you ... this will happen naturally.
You are far better off holding onto your independence and your sense of self then to suddenly start asking about the direction of the relationship and demanding that he sees only you. Personally, I think nothing would be more of a turn off and make a man run faster. After sex I think many men are especially sensitive to this and don't want to feel presured into being exclusive or thinking now that I have had sex my whole life is going to change. It shouldn't be like that. It should be something enjoyed by both for what it is.
I know it is hard...I don't like thinking of someone I have feelings for being intimate with someone else. But, you can not force someone into anything and the more you preasure him the more he will not want to be just with you. Right after the first time you have sex is not the right time to place demands on a relationship. See where things are headed several months down the road. Then if he is not willing to commit you could be seriously wasting your time. | |
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:52:55 PM |
To be emotionally attached is just another level of commitment that is desired by one or both, and that needs to be discussed as well.
Part of the reason so many women get so emotionally attached after sex is because they don't set clear parameters before they do the deed.
gee, you people sure have some serious control over your emotions. does someone sell this stuff? me, my emotions just creep up on me & whoop, there they are. not much choice about that...
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| Sex with no committment
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:54:31 PM | i think its easier for a guy to have no committment..
it usually takes girls longer to open up to actually have sex, its that trust factor...
but some girls are just plain awesome. | |
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T474T
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Joined: 3/10/2008
Msg: 25 | |
| Sex with no committment
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:57:52 PM | | i think if your not comfortable asking him anything and everything, sex shouldnt be there. That is more in depth then questions. | |
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