| Why do most guys want a woman who "needs" them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 5:37:23 PM | Why do most guys want a woman who "needs" them?  They act as if being "needed" is a requirement. That without a woman "needing" them they have no interest in a relationship. What`s the deal about being "needed"? Can`t ya just be "wanted" and loved and that be enough? Looking for a guy`s opinion on this.....Thanks. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 5:42:22 PM | I've seen men say this in most of the "independent/strong woman" threads, but never have they explained it in a way that makes sense, other than to say "if a woman just wants you but doesn't need you, they can just leave you when the mood strikes them", which doesn't make sense to me. A woman can leave you for a number of reasons, need or want.
I look forward to some insight on this myself. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 5:49:44 PM | GREAT POST!
Cuts to the core of many men's subconscious, existential crises.
I have asked myself this question a 1000 times. Honestly, its a really bad habit I have tended to fall victim to and have pledged to break. The 'need' thing is at best a double edged sword that I am sick of falling upon. Mind you, it took me 40 years to figure this out. Its way too draining, tends to suck the passion out of life, and ends up in a state of lovelessness and resentment.
Then after suffering through a break up a while ago, I realized I was doing this. I realized that if I want a relationship that I truly love and value, I woul have to find a partner is equal. That both people have needs, wants and desires and that the key is balance, empathy, love, and compassion. That partners should have complementary strengths and weaknesses as opposed to 'a strong one/a weak one' model.
And based on my pontificating on the topic, I think its because if we pick someone who is needy, it allows us to ignore our own faults and weaknesses, help 'the other,' and still pat ourselves on the back. Sorry, I just blew a big guy secret and will probably be banned from the "he man woman-haters club." | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 5:50:06 PM | I'm not always sure of the distinction.
I that it'd be nice if someone thought of me as a necessity, but being desired is just as nice.
Hell, I'd like to be wanted AND needed... EVENTUALLY.
Maybe it's that I like to feel like I provide something that no one else can. Maybe that's it.
I don't know though.
Things like this always seem difficult when applied to romance- it's like in the movie Roxanne when they're talking about love, "How can I use the same word about you that someone else uses to describe a soap?"
Want and need do not have the depth necessary to describe it. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:10:23 PM | Just came up with another reason we tend to do it.
Its twisted logic (naturally), but is part of it.
"If you need me, then I must be 'the one.' If I fill the need, that means no one else did or can."
"Therefore, she loves me unconditionally."
"Therefore, she is cooler than my dog. "
Believe it or not, it never occurs to many guys that just because we fill the need, that others cant fill the need just as easily. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:14:26 PM | If the woman is truly needy, then in some way, she's not in control of herself, not a willful, detached, independent person. She's incomplete, unhappy and "needs" the guy for her happiness.
A situation which absolves him from having to do anything to keep her. She's reliably there, needing him, no matter what.
Clearly not a healthy for either one.
If feels her need of dissipating, he'll probably go nuts. :) | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:19:30 PM | | It's a prerequisite for any meaningful relationship in my opinion. It's an instinctual thing. It gives us a sense of being in the right place. If she performs every role in life that I would, it leaves me asking "Why am I here?" There's a deep rooted satisfaction men get out of being able to fix things and accomplish goals. It would be like taking away a woman's ability to express her drive to nurture others and expecting her to be completely fulfilled. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:20:34 PM | [Why do most guys want a woman who "needs" them?]
You really don't explain how you're being 'needed'. Most men think a woman
is 'needy' if he has more money than her, and since she usually gets paid less, she
'needs' some. Or if she has 'more of a need to be treated affectionately', and he
generally doesn't feel like providing it. If you really think about, most people
are a balanced match. Give what you have 'more of'. And she should do the
same. In the end, it will balance out. But if you're myopic about it and think
the person is only 'needy' in one specific area, you're stepping back to see the
forest through the trees. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:21:01 PM | To most women, need means "depend" which means he's got something I don't want to or can't live without. Most women take the word "need" this way because there was a time we thru no choice of our own "needed" men to accomplish things in life because as second class citizens, we basically weren't allowed (or condoned) to do things for ourselves.
Therefore, to be needed means depended upon, and we can't for the life of us figure out why anyone would want that by choice, unless they see it as a security measure, or a bargaining tool. Still it doesn't say to women "wants me for me", it says "I have ___________ and it keeps her from leaving me because she can't get _________ on her own."
So to us, "want" implies that we're interested in him for who he is, we chose him, not what he has. We don't want to need or be needed, at least not in the early stages of a relationship.
Not until we've been with someone for years, they become a best friend, companion, partner in crime for us and a need like that naturally develops. That's more based on who we are.... | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:22:11 PM | It might be because they feel insecure and have difficulty in believing that they are loveable and that a women would continuously want them around if she didn't actually need them.
It might also be an instinct regarding deep love where the other person becomes essential to who you are. They know that if they don't feel that they need her, they don't really love her, so they want the feeling of love to be mutual. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:26:58 PM | I think the word "most" can be replaced with "some"....I had read this earlier and polled a few of my friends (all male)....the concensus was that they don't want women to "need" them....more than one used the line, "I want to be wanted, I don't need to be needed".
I don't think that the group of guys I hang around with are particularly forward thinking or high minded (quite the opposite considering some of the recent conversations), but I do think it representative of average men who are looking for more out a relationship than to be needed.
Having said all of that, for the men who do desire that a woman need them, I would think it is simple insecurity and lack of self-confidence and self-worth. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:28:15 PM | I like independent women vs. the needy "Cling-ons". Seems more like a burden having someone who's needy than being beneficial.
Some men like their control factor over a needy woman, makes them feel like men...Strong man, dependent woman. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:32:44 PM | What's the alternative "I don't need you?" Being needed is a basic human, umm, need.
This sort of topic always gets twisted with extremes IMO.
In terms of relationships, "needy" is an extreme, and is dysfunctional with boundaries that are too collapsed. As is the opposite extreme of "rigidly independent" where boundaries are too rigid to allow for the interdependence that a healthy relationship requires.
All *people* need a significant other in their lives. Now, before UglyBetty jumps in here, lol, that need can certainly be filled through friends and family rather than a lover.
A healthy relationship requires two healthy people who are capable of relaxing their guard, fully sharing their lives and being inter-dependent. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:32:53 PM | ^ (Originally replied to Embraceable.... but I was slow) But need isn't the want of the relationship. It's the result.
I don't want someone to be with me because they need me.... but it sure as hell is satisfying to be needed once they've found you...
If that makes any sense at all? | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:37:39 PM | I think it all just boils down to one word. Insecurity.
I don't want someone who "needs" me, nor do I want to BE needed. I want someone who "wants" me, for me. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:38:57 PM | I get what your saying ,Marc.
There's this quote:
"insecure love says 'I love you because I need you'
secure love says 'I need you because I love you' ". | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:42:37 PM | """Why do most guys want a woman who "needs" them? """
Hmmm, I don't think most guys think that way. And I don't think most women act that way. ""Never say never.""
I like not to generalize (especially in forums), but what I have heard that is useful is:...
"I need you because I love you, I don't love you because I need you". Tape that to your rearview mirrow. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:44:48 PM | Maybe it's because they want to be "The savior" "The knight in Shining Armour" who will save the day.
Who know's why...it could be for MANY different reasons, but I think it can go either way. Some men will want that , and some women will...some will search for that type of relationship...and some won't | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:49:13 PM | You've offered truly awesome insights, joro!
I explored this topic awhile back (don't know if the thread is still around, but it was pretty cool) and it seems to me that most of us (both sexes) get really hung up on the "need" word because we associate it with dependency. As much as I've struggled with the concept of need, I still run in circles with certain aspects of it...but I do know this much---I don't need Rick for what he does for me, I need him for the way he makes me feel. I need for him to need me, I need for him to love me and I need to love him. If that makes me a person with low self esteem, lacking in self worth, blahblahblah, so be it. And yes, I do want to be the only person that makes him feel as he does, and he feels the same way about me.
Would we fall apart without eachother? Heck no, but we live a helluva lot better with eachother. Beautifully, actually, because we're the perfect complement to eachother. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:51:11 PM | I recently read two books titled "For Men Only," and "For Women Only," by Shaunti Feldhahn. (Her husband Jeff gets co-author credit for the "Men" title.) They reviewed surveys of hundreds and hundreds of men and women, and interviewed literally thousands, posing questions just such as this. I highly recommend anyone read both books, or at least the one aimed at "you," because the entire premise is to answer these kinds of topics about the "opposite" gender.
In the book for women, the overarching sense Feldhahn got from the men she spoke with was they want to be providers; indeed, they NEED to be, in some capacity or another. It's the reason why even single men feel less than complete if they can't even provide... for themselves... And, it's why single men are often thought less of if they still live with mom and dad!
In any case, to bring the book's info to your question then, in essence what they are saying is yes, men want to be needed, men almost have to be needed, because it validates what they perceive to be one of there primary functions: to provide for someone. Clearly it doesn't have to apply to providing just physical needs; it may also be translated to apply to emotional sustenance. According to every response they received, being needed is practically genetic for men. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:54:52 PM | | It's going to be hard for us to get on the same page without a common definition of what "need" means in this context. Sure, it would be insecure to want a woman that literally "needs" you, as in needs money, a roof over her head, or because she's psychologically unhealthy. It's desirable for a woman to "need" you in the sense that she desires you for the person you are and relies on the positive emotions you share together which contribute to a happy life. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:55:57 PM | | my bf loves an independent woman, who can go about in her own ways. at the same time, he has a thing for being needed...somehow. i don't completely understand this, but it's like he finds a purpose in life when he can be there for someone...so...ya... | |
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