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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 10:03:23 AM | A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little
man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small
piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a
tiny piano stool, Which he places in front of the piano
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts
playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the
bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to
the bartender and says:
"Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly
there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will g rant you one Wish... Just one wish... each
person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating
he says, "I want A million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed By another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I
think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."
"No sh*t!!" says the man, "do you really think I
asked for a 9-inch "Pianist" ??????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep 'em coming...  | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 1:21:53 PM | I was having sex with my girlfriend the other night.
She started yelling " No no. Not in the butt!"
I said "Listen honey. It's my thumb and it's my butt".
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 2:06:11 PM | ^^Ouch !
Chinese translations of everyday English sayings :
English ... Chinese
That's not right ... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? ... Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ... Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ... Dum Fuk
Small Horse ... Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ... Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ... Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ... Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone ... No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ... Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great ... Fa Kin Su Pa | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 2:52:02 PM | A nice, calm, and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist and looked him straight in his eyes and said, "I would
like to buy some cyanide!"
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband!"
The pharmacist's eyes widened and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law, I'll lose my license, they will throw us both in jail, all kinds of bad things will happen, absolutely not! You CANNOT have cyanide!"
The woman reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looked at the photo and said, "Well now, that's different, you didn't tell me you had a prescription
Jubal | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 4:34:48 PM | A young girl walks out to the garage and asks her dad if she can take the dog for a walk.
Knowing the dog is in heat, he says, "Bring Belle over here."
The dad takes a rag and soaks it with gasoline and proceeds to wipe the dog's hindside as a means of diguising the scent.
He tells his daughter to go ahead and take the dog for a walk but only go around the block once and hurry back.
Well the girl returns shortly after but with no dog.
The dad quickly becomes concerned and asks his daughter, " Where's Belle at darling."
She replies, "Belle ran out of gas half way around the block so another dog is pushing her home." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 7:44:24 PM | WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH .....
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 7:48:01 PM | How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 7:49:23 PM | How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 8:03:16 PM | PEPITO STRIKES AGAIN...
A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the
word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Maria put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my abuelito's farm,
and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see los
pyramids and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to
use the word 'fascinate.'
Pepito raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before.
She finally gave in and decided there was no way he could damage the
word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Pepito said, 'My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
chichis are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher cried. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 8:07:05 PM | THE VOODOO PENIS
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he Thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a Sex shop & explained his situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will Keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Voodoo Penis!"
The husband said "! The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and Pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and Said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" The Penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding The keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a Crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, Return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the Husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch".
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three Mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had Enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her Clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the Road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink Officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!" ?
The rest, as they say, is history... | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/23/2008 8:27:41 PM | EBONICS
Jerry is an 18 year old sixth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the Los Angeles Public school system.
One day Jerry got an easy assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence.
This is what Jerry did.
1. HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend de crabs and de HOTEL everybody.
2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer told me, if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT, they are gonna sent me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE: If I pay aliomony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, sombody give de CATACOMB.
6. PENIS: I went to a doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.
7. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sellme a Rolex, I said; Man that looks fake. He said; No, ISREAL.
8. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' Hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my ol' lady a bra but I couldn't find a TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed me, if I was STAIN for dinner.
11. ODYSSEY: I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.
12. HORDE: My sister got in trouble because she HORDE around school.
13. INCOME: I just got in bed with this hoe and INCOME my wife.
14. HONOR: At the rape trail, they axed my buddy, who be HONOR first.
15. FORTIFY: I axed de hoe how much? and she said FORTIFY.
16. BEFORE: 2 plus 2 BEFORE. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:21:33 PM | An Italian, a Mexican, and an Irishman are sitting in a bar. Italian says, "This bar is ok, but back home, Luigi's is the best bar. You buy a drink, Luigi buys you a drink. You buy a drink, Luigi buys you a drink."
Mexican says, "That good, but back home, Jose's is best bar. You buy one drink, Jose buys you the rest of your drinks."
Irishman says, "Begorrah, 'tis good, but back home, you can't beat Paddy's. At Paddy's, they buy you drinks all night, and then take you upstairs and you get laid."
Italian says, "So, this happen to you, then?"
Irishman says, "No, lad, but it happened to me sister!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/25/2008 7:33:08 PM | A young married couple, living in her parents’ basement, have been using the noise from the washing machine to cover the sounds of their passion. Naturally, they decide on the euphemism of ‘doing the laundry’ as a way to communicate about sex.
One evening, while they are watching TV with her folks, he whispers to her, “Don’t we have some laundry to do?” She replies that she’ll do laundry some other time, right now she’d rather watch TV. He heads off to bed.
She slides into bed with him a short while later, cuddles up close, and since she’s feeling a little guilty about having turned him down, whispers “We could do the laundry now.”
He smiles, kisses her gently on the forehead, and says “It’s okay, honey. It was a small load so I did it by hand.” | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:03:34 PM | This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men---he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women---she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department , he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards, Walmart | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:21:30 PM | Rules of Bedroom Golf
1.Each course is privately owned, use of the course is by invitation only.
2.The course may not be in ‘ready to play’ condition on your arrival. Warm-up and practice areas are available on a limited basis. It is always considered bad form to begin playing a hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will spend considerable time admiring the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
3.The course owner is the single defining authority on ‘out-of-bounds’ play. If a portion of the course is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.
4.Access to some portions of the course is restricted. Players are cautioned to always play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner. Players are advised to always obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
5.Replay of a particular hole will be allowed, especially if it was initially well-played. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
6.Scorekeeping is the responsibility of each player. No scores are to be published.
7.Players who may be unable to achieve par for the course will be directed to the driving range, where they can individually shoot a bucket of balls.
8.Generally, playing is by paired twosomes. Threesomes & foursomes are only allowed on special occasions. Leave your caddy at home.
9.The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
10.Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.
11.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
12.Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course. Use of oversized clubs is always at the course owner’s discretion.
13.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
14.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
15.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
16.Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.
17.It is considered bad form to reveal to other players that you have ever played a particular course.
18.Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/25/2008 11:20:56 PM | Two Englishmen, [businessmen in London ]were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked 'Whit are yous sellin' here ?
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, 'You're doing well ... only two left!' | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:42:11 PM | A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I
have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be
hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I
will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll
be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting
for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you
receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old
pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Don't wait up." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:57:32 PM | Q: What is Smurf sex?
A: Doing it until you are blue in the face. 
bada bing..... | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:51:14 PM | Missy, rumor has it you are a member of the, "Blue Face Group."
Any truth to that? | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:36:37 PM | HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car...and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it...he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, then which one are you?"
....and that's when the fight started | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:37:57 PM | HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Omg! that made my night! Perhaps you should post this in the "is height an issue for you thread" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/1/2008 8:30:50 AM | Democratic dilemma...
The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental proportions;
They don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two Boobs...
...or the "Boob" with two Nuts. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/1/2008 12:14:37 PM |
Q: What is Smurf sex?
A: Doing it until you are blue in the face.
So if you try to strangle a Smurg, what color does it turn?
bada bing.....
Indeed!
 | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/1/2008 12:27:31 PM | Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the darkened cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would
take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
wreath with a ribbon on it, so she wiped herself with the ribbon.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day the one woman's husband was concerned that his
normallysweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst...
my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."
 | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/1/2008 6:24:27 PM | The Daily Gazette hired a recent graduate of the journalism college
to write human-interest articles for the newspaper.
He decided to go into the West Virginia Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer's house along an isolated road and introduced
himself to the man. He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here
that made you happy ?"
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a
neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it.
Then we all screwed it a little and took it back home."
"I can't print that, " the young reporter exclaimed.
"Can you think of anything else that made you happy?"
"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost, so we formed a posse
and found her. After we all screwed her real good, we took her home."
"Hell, I can't print that either," cried the frustrated reporter.
"Has anything ever happened that made you SAD?"
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once." | |
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