| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:18:58 PM | what is a man thinking when he always put work in front of his relationship. Its a new relationship (5 months)and we care about each other alot, and he calls me every day several times and texts me alot, but he is a machine and feels such pressure to keep the jobs going for the men who work for him. He says he plans to retire soon and he is trying to build this business to help with retirement income.
He doesnt seem to know how to make enough time for his relationship with me. I do not ask for alot as I know he needs to keep his guys working so they can take care of their families. He says it will get better and wants me to be patient. I want to be because he is the most awesome man I have ever met...except for that one little thing.
Any workaholics out there can tell me whats going on in his mind?
T | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:25:03 PM | I would worry less about what's going through his mind and more about what it is you want. Does he mean enough to you to deal with this? He sounds like a responsible, upstanding guy who strongly values his work ethic. This could be a problem if you'd prefer someone more relaxed about work, but if you're trying to make him choose between his work and you, I just have to ask, "Why?"
This is the guy you met, love him or leave him. You might find that if you voice support for what he's doing instead of trying to make his work a competitor, he might be inspired to be more effective at taking care of both of you. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:27:32 PM | Yeah I work for a structural engineering firm and sometimes I have to work weekends and long days, just last friday I worked 13.5 hours.
After I get off work if im beat I definetly dont want to go out and do anything.
My suggestion is you dont complain, if he makes no time with you at all throughout the week for weeks at a time then you can. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:31:39 PM | Thanx for the input guys...I really appreciate it!
I do not complain alot about it as I understand where he is coming from....its just that I wonder why he doesnt need to relax and just let loose occasionally. I am very supportive of him. I have been "waiting" for him for 5 months. He promises me it will pass. It is a new relationship and it is hard to be alone so much.
I do think he is well worth the wait. He is a fine man with a good work ethic. THIS IS WHY I WAIT. Its hard to meet men like this.......but my question.....what is on a mans mind to work so much. Do they not need loving too? Or do they just put it out of their heads for the time being. Hes so driven. He always tells me how much he wants to be with me and when we are together its awesome.
Just curious how the "man machine" works, thats all. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:39:23 PM | I just think its funny when a girl expects a guy to pay the tab on everything and buy her nice stuff every now and then complains that the guy doesnt spend enough time with her.
I mean hes gonna have his life, if hes tired from working and doesnt want to do anything and just wants to be alone a lot of that comes from stress but regardless when your drained your drained.
Plus you tend to forget about all the other stuff a person has to do in order to live. All the errands, doctor visits, friends...
You add it all up you just have to realize your gonna be far from the center of attention all the time.
I get a lot of complaints about me not having enough free time but difference is im not promising retiringment or willing to curb my work time for a relationship.
At least he is, so your lucky. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:45:11 PM | Well, I'm pretty relaxed about work after getting burned out back when I used to believe that working hard was the answer to life. So it's hard for me personally to imagine wanting to spend so much time working for "the man". But I'm passionate about my art career, and I will put a lot of hours into it without even realizing it. When you are driven, you don't think about other things that you may want or need, like human interaction, or sleep, or proper nutrition, or much of anything else really. It sounds like he is trying to achieve a goal, and that is all he is focused on.
If my professional goal was so important to me that I had no time to spend with my new sweetheart, I might have to reconsider my priorities and ask myself; Am I more committed to my job than my relationship?
If the answer is yes, then I might have to let go of the relationship because it isn't fair to my partner to keep them playing second fiddle.
If the answer is no, then I might have to reconsider how much time I am spending at my job.
If he is working so much that you never see him, that can be a problem. I don't mean that he might not be worth waiting for, but you will have to decide eventually how much of this you are willing to tolerate. I would discuss it with him and let him know where you stand and how important this is. This is not the same as complaining, it's discussing your concerns and making your position clear. But to do that, you need to make your position clear to yourself first. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:51:57 PM | It's sort of like the women I've dated that have kids... they spend a lot of time focused on family. She has priority, and I'm not it.
A guy sees the world differently, he's the provider and sometimes they'll be consumed by it. Not a bad thing, he's independent and doing HIS thing. You'd come across as being needy to a guy that's busy when you try to intrude.
Guys deal with "busy" women all the time. And those women tell the guys to, "suck it up and deal with it." ...after they accuse him of being needy. lol.
Interesting to see the other side of it for once.
-edit- You need to play by HIS schedule or eventually he'll label you a stalker. lol. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 6:26:48 PM | | As someone who owns his own business and is very driven I can completely understand where he's coming from. Like your man, relaxing is almost unnecessary. To be successful you have to be passionate, and that's not something you can turn off. I don't take time off unless I have something fun to do. We need loving too, but all the loving in the world wouldn't leave me very fulfilled if I were sitting in a run-down apartment eating beans. It's just my chosen lifestyle, and like Donald Trump said, "If you need a vacation, you're in the wrong business." | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 6:39:23 PM | Maybe you could offer to help him at work. When I had guys working for me I liked nothing better than getting out my tools and working on weekends just to get away from the phone. If you enjoy a certain kind of work, it's like crack. Or so I hear. haha.
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 8:28:47 PM | For someone like myself, I work a lot because it's necessary. Not because I enjoy a 60 hour week. I don't have time anymore.
And, my options are finding a lower paying job, or she picks up the tab in my life.
I'm not interested in the first one, women aren't interested or capable of the second one. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 8:48:17 PM | I suggest you learn to love not seeing him whenever you want, or dump him. He is unlikely to change his views. My choice is ALWAYS to dump him!
Ummmm, please, guys? Kids are more important than your job. Women are more important than your job. PEOPLE are more important then your job. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 9:55:25 PM |
what is a man thinking when he always put work in front of his relationship. Its a new relationship (5 months)and we care about each other alot, and he calls me every day several times and texts me alot, but he is a machine and [bold]feels such pressure to keep the jobs going for the men who work for him.[/bold]
Sounds like a very responsible person. While I'm sure he cares about you very much, you also have to realize you've only been together for 5 months.
How long has he been doing his work? Years? Decades? How many people at work depend on him to perform? How many people would suffer if he didn't?
It sounds like that alot of people who work for him depend upon him to do his job well. In many businesses, if a manager/owner slows down it puts people's jobs and livelihoods at risk. If it's his own business, part of his responsibilities are to make sure there's enough work and contracts lined up to make sure that he doesn't have to fire or lay people off.
If you were an employee, and your long-time boss told you that he was going to lay you off because he spent time with his new girlfriend and dropped the ball, how would you feel? How sympathetic would your family be?
He says he plans to retire soon and he is trying to build this business to help with retirement income.
Sounds pretty clear to me. He's got a plan and goal in mind, he's trying to wind down. You don't just hand over the reigns overnight. It takes time.
He doesnt seem to know how to make enough time for his relationship with me. I do not ask for alot as I know he needs to keep his guys working so they can take care of their families. He says it will get better and wants me to be patient. I want to be because he is the most awesome man I have ever met...except for that one little thing.
Any workaholics out there can tell me whats going on in his mind?
Sounds to me like he's just very busy at the moment. If he's truly intending to retire soon, then you just might need to wait.
As for what drives a workaholic, they are driven by a number of possible things...
Ambition - Some guys are trying to achieve something.
Passion - Some guys love their jobs and love being around it.
Responsibility - Some guys feel the need to meet or exceed expectations, whether that's self-imposed or from those that they work with...
On the other hand, you knew who he was when you met him. Successful, driven, hard-working, and responsible. If that's not acceptable to you, there are lots of people who aren't like that in the world.
Wanderer | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 10:25:53 PM | Kids are more important than your job. Women are more important than your job.
You really need a job before you should be thinking about kids or women.
Bottom line - whatever it is that's in your highest priority, if you don't have time for a relationship, don't put that hardship on somebody else who does have the time. You've got 3 kids and hardly any time for a man? ...forget about having a relationship. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 11:28:47 PM | As far as being more committed to job vs relationship. We have had the conversation several times as I was beginning to wonder if he really wanted a relationship. He says he does and that he is great husband material. That he bonds up etc. I think he is definately worth the wait....but I just wonder how he works so much without any rest. HES A MACHINE! Thats what I tell him in a loving way. I really feel he will be an awesome boyfriend when things smooth out at work for him and I do see him trying to make the necessary changes. I am patient because I have never met anyone like him ever and I think hes special to my life.
NEXUS 6 said:
When you are driven, you don't think about other things that you may want or need, like human interaction, or sleep, or proper nutrition, or much of anything else really. It sounds like he is trying to achieve a goal, and that is all he is focused on.
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You are right. He does all that you said. He is very driven. My thoughts are how can he go so long with out companionship. He has done this same work all his life, but now it is his own business and I completely support him. He would tell you that too. I have been quite patient waiting. I try to busy myself with myown projects as I have plenty to do....I just really miss him alot. His work and My house are pretty far apart which makes it hard to get together at times.
I just wanted to know how a workaholic thinks. How do they stay so focused. I know he wants me to wait as he has said so and has tried to reassure me that it wont be forever. But how does he do that? Work all the time. Doesnt a workaholic ever need rest.....down time......space to breath? Do they want to go 90 miles an hour 24/7? Is it some kind of adrenaline rush? Running from painful pasts? (he has had some sad things happen in his life) | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/23/2008 11:33:14 PM | Heres a new twist. He has never been with a giving woman EVER. Not even his mom. His women were always takers and not very loving to him.
I am very loving and giving. Not a doormat though. I am strong and I know what I want in life. He sees this in me too, which is part of why he like me.
But do you think maybe he isnt sure how to deal with a loving giving woman?
In life, we usually draw to people that are "familiar" to us, not necessarily good for us, but the same kind of people over and over. Thus the many divorces maybe. Until be change our "water level", we will keep drawing to the same bad people over and over . Thus is why I spent 5 years alone. I wanted to change my "water level" and attract and be attracted to better men.....thus Steve. Hes the best man I have ever known.
Think maybe Im blowing his mind a little. He doesnt want me to go. I know he likes me alot. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 12:41:45 AM | OP
As a very driven person I am constantly battling to maintain balance in my life. Not one thing can dominate. Whether it be a job, a relationship, family, friends, other passions in my life like working out, travel or anything like that.
Your man needs to learn balance not for you, but for him. He will literally work himself to death before he can sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor. He will fight this because he has been raised that hard work is the key to life.
Unfortunately he might have been in so many bad relationships with these bad women you describe that his only savior has been work and that has become an automated response. The best advice I can give is to say something like "What do you need from me to help you obtain your goals" and mean it! I know as a driven person I would like nothing better than a partner in crime to reach my goals and to help someone else reach theirs. If he has been with takers, he might be feeling he has to do it all by himself. If you ask how you can help and be sincere about it, that might make you stand out from the rest and take him out of auto pilot. The key is sincerity. Takers are good at saying how can I help you but also great at exacting a large toll at the end for their time taking much more than they ever gave.
Just my 2 cents.
Hope that helps. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 1:20:10 AM |  Women complain when men work but they don't complain when they are getting wined and dined and presents, do they?
Women love successful men, but we didn't get successful by being lazy. Would you rather a man who is head-first into his work to make a future for you both -- or head-first between another woman's legs?
Women should have their own work, hobbies and interests -- their own life. They shouldn't be sitting around bored because their man is working and busy with other things. We're not stuck together like conjoined twins. Live your life while he's working, or work yourself so you have a good retirement and don't have to find a man to provide for you. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 2:56:08 AM | maybe the OP can get him to quit and then that will force all these families to have no income, some might get other jobs and some might simply lose their homes
if he not know how to make time, educate him :) | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 4:42:08 AM | To the OP. You do explain that the gentleman has never had a "giver" involved in his life. You may also have to realize that his business maybe the only thing that has been a constant in his life. No matter how many women come in and out of the door, his business is always there. Maybe just some patience and some communication will make him realize that you are worth giving some of "his" business time up for.
To some that say that a business is not worth as much a children, a significant other, or a person for that matter, realize the food that this business puts on the table for this gentleman's employees. Those employees are people too, and to turn your nose up on this man because he is the boss, busts his ass to get work for these people, etc shows that you truely don't understand the value of him as a person, not just a boyfriend for someone.
Sometimes, it is not always about YOU girls, thou I know you wish it was just like the fairy tale stories. It's called the real world. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:13:53 AM | | I was a workaholic once. My standard work week was 60 hours but I often worked as much as 80. I had a new girlfriend and wanted to be with her but really couldn't tear myself away from the job. It had nothing to do with her really, I just had a great deal of responsibility at work. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:23:28 AM |
He says he plans to retire soon
he is worried about retirement. that pretty much sums it up.
I know guys that i work with that spend tons of time there too. they have made the deal with their wife that they will work the extra overtime, if she agrees to not work and instead take care of the house, family, finances, etc. it works for them, wont work for everyone tho.
sometimes.....it just gets busy at work. In my stint in the Navy for instance, I've done 3 months strait of 16 hour days. there is zero time for romancing the ladies when stuff like that goes on. Right now im in the middle of a month long 12 hours a day 7 days a week stint that happens every year. it just happens. Guys wont quit their job when busy times happen, they'll just adapt and expect significant others to adapt with them and understand that hey, it happens | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:03:18 AM | One of the things you would know about me before we dated was that I love my job. To me (and I am sure I am not terminally unique), I am passionate about what I do helping people and a community. This passion is one of the things that actually has been one of the things that attracted several women. It has had mixed results, I admit, and I have never let it get in the way of my parenting responsibilities. (That is duty #1). But the fact is that interesting people tend to have busy lives. For example, I spent yesterday working on a grant, will take my daughter sleigh riding today, and have meetings Mon and Tues night. I would be able to go out wednesday through saturday.
Just because someone has a full life doesnt make them a workaholic, and try to remember that the world doesnt revolve around you. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 8:28:35 AM | Thank you UniqueManinSoCal......
Your answer was most helpful.
To those whom have accused me of being self centered or not having a full life....YOUR WRONG! I own my own business, live on 10 acres (plenty of work there) and am a solo musician and just joined the church band. Believe me, I have plenty to do.
I have been and will continue to wait patiently. I only wanted to know how a man thinks who works like this. What is on his mind. What does a man think who works so hard and rarely takes time for pleasure. Sooooo driven.
I think UniqueManinSoCal hit the nail on the head. His work has been the only consistant thing in his life. Probably a safe place.
I will just continue to be patient as I know I matter to him and it will probably take a bit more time for him to figure out how to change his life a bit to include me more. That does take time I know. Hes worth it I assure you. The best man Ive ever known.
To the gals....why do I wait....because I know he has been a very good family man in the past and very dedicated to his women so I know he will do the same for me when he can and once I am "in place" in his life, then I will be part of his routine too.
One of the problems too is that we are a long distance romance. He lives by me but works several hours away and works many weekends. He works alot. Like I said before, he cares about his employees and that is part of why I admire him so much. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 9:37:49 AM | Well me personally I'm a workaholic I always have been. But that's because I'm single and have nothing to come home to. The only thing to do at home that interests me is the net and every so often some tv. Sometimes its just that the person is so used to working and doing the routine that they do that it's hard to adjust. But like you said when does he have fun? Me personally I've always found time to have fun, I've worked 60 hours a week and still had time to go out with friends and family I know how to balance my time. Some people can do it well and some people stink at it. So just listen yes it takes time to adjust. I've know girls that are workaholics also. So it can go both ways. I'd give him time. | |
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| workaholics
Posted: 2/24/2008 9:42:33 AM | Yes....he did mention that he started the business after retiring because he had nothing better to do. Like you said,. no one to come home to. Nothing better to do.
I asked him why he was on a dating site to begin with if he had no time for a relationship and he told me that he never dreamed he would meet anyone he would be so interested in as he had dated and never found anyone he liked...till me.
I just need to be patient and let some time pass as I know he is trying to adjust his life. Its just so lonely at times and I get a little whinney. You guys have been great. I see things better now.
Solution to my problem....just trust he is trying to change things. Rome wasnt built in a day. It will be worth the wait.     | |
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