| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:01:24 AM | Is it appropriate to tell a person that you are interested in and who has shown interest in you that you are also interacting with other potential friends/relationships/whatever?
Personally I prefer manogamy to open relationships, but in the begining (I've not dated in a great many years), I'd like to keep my mind open to as many posibilities that I can.
Should I tell anyone that shows interest that I am also seeing/interacting with others?
Is that a stupid question? | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:05:44 AM | | I don't think your personal life is anyone's business until you mutually discuss the idea of being exclusive. I'm going to guess that people will assume you're dating or seeing other people. If he asks you out for a time when you've made other plans, saying you have other plans is sufficient-- no need to explain how you're keeping your options open and interacting with other potential relationships. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:07:51 AM | Personally I prefer "womanogamy". 
Your personal life is nobody's business until it becomes their business. I'd assume any woman I see for a first date is possibly seeing someone else. She was open to see me, right? So inbetween our setting up a date, perhaps she has set up other dates???
Now if we develop a sense of intimacy, then sure it is fair to explain if asked if there are other suitors in the picture. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:10:00 AM | | I definetely think until its discussed its your own buisness. Different if subject comes up and your not honest about it etc. Id have fun if i was you lol x | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:13:03 AM | If they ask outright, I'd tell the truth, if not, I see no reason to tell them. I think if you start sleeping with someone then having a discussion about monogamy is appropriate.
Just coming out and telling them would only hurt their feelings, or make them feel pressured. But that's just my thoughts on the subject. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:55:47 AM |
I don't think your personal life is anyone's business until you mutually discuss the idea of being exclusive. I'm going to guess that people will assume you're dating or seeing other people. If he asks you out for a time when you've made other plans, saying you have other plans is sufficient-- no need to explain how you're keeping your options open and interacting with other potential relationships
Exactly. I think anyone on these sites (or off) should assume that whoever you're talking to, planning to meet, date, etc... is also talking to, meeting, & dating other people as well. It's just naive to think otherwise.
I struggled with this myself early on. I tried just talking to one person at a time, but that's just not realistic. If the people I'm talking to are talking to other people, then why shouldn't I?
Keep doing what you're doing.
Krys | |
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6345
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Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 7 | |
| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:59:10 AM | YEO, it is, and i wish it wasnt such a big deal among so many. We're all dating here,
(well some of us, in theory) Actually, why does interacting eith other have to end if you see this guy steady?
is "Interacting with others" a word for banging nasties? | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 11:24:37 AM | The fact that you'd bring the subject up at all suggests to me OP that you're an honest individual and you care about your potential partner. I don't really think you have to worry about this question as I feel you probably have a sense of ethical responsibility that compels you to spell things out for the guys you might be seeing. In that case I would have to assume you must really be asking when we think that the point has been reached where you have to explain this to him (or her as the case may be) As well, it follows that you might be asking when you think it becomes a matter of keeping your options open versus having your cake and eating it too.
After seven or eight dates I think it's reasonable for a person to expect to be the only one in the running. I'm talking about actual dates here , not just hanging out or whatever the latest trendy term that provides a loophole might be. Actually, if you're still seeing more than one person by that time it's time for you to make a decision because the longer you let that go, the more anger and hurt you're going to cause (and by you, I don't actually mean you specifically OP) | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 2/25/2008 11:53:02 AM | | If they ask for a second date, I'll tell them they aren't the only horse in the stable. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:59:04 PM | | I completely agree with all the previous posters. It would be naive for someone to think you weren't fishing in the pond and exploring your options. Unless you've had the "exclusive" chat, you're not obligated to state the obvious. During the "dating" process, it's one of the few times it's safe to make the assumption that you aren't the only one biting at the bait. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:14:50 PM | OP -
There seem to be any number of guys who are willing to date "only me" and seem to want to focus all their attention right away... they are "one woman" men. It's really not about me at all, because they don't even truly know me. I think they like that kind of intensity and one-on-one relationship.
I try to make it clear that I don't plan to get deeply involved with any one guy immediately... I believe in dating in numbers to keep things light-hearted until I have a sense of the type of "fit" I have with somebody. There are a number of guys who don't like that attitude, though. | |
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Posted: 3/18/2008 12:03:23 AM |
they are "one woman" men. It's really not about me at all
This is SO true and I say run like hell from guys who are ok with the appearance of a relationship. What's crazy to me is that men get to choose when they are ready to marry and often they have "the one who got away" in their past but can rest well with that if they find a suitable wife. I NEVER want to be that suitable wife-- ever. There's the one who got away, and she comes after 'the one he wanted to marry who didn't want him'. I don't want a tiredazz played-out man who's just ready to settle because he's a tiredazz dude. Call me a romantic all you want but the one who gets me has to either be 'not looking' or slightly intimidated that leaping at me with requirements will shew me off for good. I'll take a slow courtship with a patient, methodical, mature, reason-minded man of substance over a hasty, pressed, garden-variety lame fella any day. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 12:43:59 AM | yes.
and, I've had my honesty blow up in my face, but I'd have it no other way.
if a man can't accept that I might go out with others, that I like to keep my options open in the extreme early stages of dating, then he's probably not for me, anyway. if I really like a man and he seems to be getting into me too, then I start to pretty much concentrate on him and I tend to stop looking elsewhere--to an extent, and see if it goes anywhere--to an extent.
I try not to put the cart before the horse and see rainbows everywhere I look. I'd rather take it as it is--an early and possibly worthwhile pursuit. one that will require initial chemistry and spark on all levels, to hold my interest.
what I don't get is when some people (both genders) get a 'smile', a site email, and a personal message or IM and they completely lock-in on their target like there's no tomorrow!!! they get tunnel-vision and plan the wedding & pick out the china faster than they can click the "send" button on that next email. I've had that happen to me. when I've mentioned that I might go out now and then with a couple of good male friends, they took it to mean that I was sleeping around with all my male friends, lol, like adults weren't ever supposed to have friends of both sexes to go to dinner or movies with. I can handle that he might actually have female friends that he might see for dinner, etc.
it can bite you in the a$$, but, I'd tell them early on, to filter out the ones that can't abide your dating habits or frame of mind. stick to what YOU want and feel comfortable with. compromise comes later with a real relationship, not in the "let's see if we like each other' stage.
you might run into more than less, that don't like it, but, don't let it bother you. live YOUR life for YOU. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 1:40:42 AM | uhm...I suffer from painful honesty, so I would tell them yes...but if you are not comfortable with sharing that much or you feel it is none of their business....I would strongly suggest that you are responsible and honest with all if and when you become sexually active with more than one man.
They should know the risk they are taking, I am not implying you have multiple partners but would feel that you would at that point HAVE to let all who are involved know they are not alone, and you should insist on the same.
If not sexually active with more than one...simply letting them know you are OPENLY DATING should be sufficient information without going into too much detail.
Good luck.
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 2:04:09 AM |
I try to make it clear that I don't plan to get deeply involved with any one guy immediately... I believe in dating in numbers to keep things light-hearted until I have a sense of the type of "fit" I have with somebody. There are a number of guys who don't like that attitude, though.
Yep, I'm not crazy with the idea of multi-dating myself. I did it once before, but I found that despite being 'within my rights' to see other people, girls would naturally assume that I was seeing nobody else, because we would get quite close fairly quickly, without ever discussing anything like that.
Sooner or later I'd have to tell someone I couldn't see them again because I was with someone else, and she'd be quite hurt. For what? Because I was too greedy to wait a couple weeks to know what I wanted from the first girl before seeing her? How selfish is that! Sure, her feelings aren't my 'responsibility' at that point, but that's no reason not to be respectful enough to take them into account. It's not difficult to do.
When I'm single, waiting a couple weeks to date someone a few times before deciding if I like them or I instead want to meet someone else is no big deal at all. There's no rush to find someone as soon as possible and date everyone at once, so why bother? And my conscience will thank me for it anyway.
If someone else is dating several people at once... that's ok-ish, but if they tell me that I'll actively start looking for more dates too. The big difference being that if I like the next person I meet and she expects me not to be seeing anyone else, then I'll stop seeing the first one. I like to give everyone a fair chance.
Or at least, everyone who gives me a fair chance. You get back what you put in to these things | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 2:06:54 AM | Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high in the world now-a-days (51% as of 2005).
Too many people still want to keep their options open...
Saying, "Keeping My Options Open" is a way justifying to yourself that you can't be "Honest", "Trusting", "Loyal", "Faithful"...etc...Now or later on...
You date one at a time, period!
(Especially if you or your date have kids)~Kids today are confused enough with their parents being divorced...Never-the-less seeing them date more then one person at the same time...(Setting up the next generation thinking it's ok)...
Maybe "I'm" to old fashion for todays world...But take a really close look at yourselves before you type back some ridiculous answer to your infidelity...
************** Once a cheater ~ Always a cheater! ********************
Yeah! I said it! Grow up! | |
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Posted: 3/18/2008 2:32:24 AM | ^^^^^ o.......k............
yep, color me justifying myself as being a dishonest, distrustful, unloyal, unfaithful dater.
(boy did I ever edit the shit out this one lol) | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 3:35:02 AM | I wouldn't say a word until you really feel a mutual connection with the right guy. In the mean time enjoy dating an have fun.
If a man wants to be exclusive then decide what YOU want. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:10:59 AM | I presume that my date(s) are dating others. I date a few different men, and have my friends as well that I spend time with. If I get asked out, and I am busy I simply suggest a different time as 'I have plans'.
OP - I think the only discussion to make sure you have is the 'Are we exclusive?' one. Then, and only then, are you sure where both of you stand. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 4:39:53 PM | I keep the number of people I'm going on dates with at any given time at a comfortably low level, and figure that on a first or second date, not too many ladies want to hear about me going out with other women.
If things start to heat up with one young lady in particular, well, I only have enough multitasking ability to put direct much energy towards one person..so I'd have to scale back with anyone else or cut them loose entirely. And, of course, when it becomes appropriate for her to wonder if I'm seeing anyone else, I'll have long since let them fly away. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 4:56:15 PM |
Is it appropriate to tell a person that you are interested in and who has shown interest in you that you are also interacting with other potential friends/relationships/whatever?
If you want to scare them off, yeah.
Some people like to be a first choice.... not 2nd or 3rd place. I know if i wasn't #1 on a girl's list and she let me know there were spots for 2nd and 3rd place, i'd bow out and let someone else win her. plenty of others that will make me #1 and i'd make them #1.
If you are dating others, good. But no need to tell a date that. What do u hope to accomplish doing that? (besides scare them away?) | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:01:30 PM | | Dont ask, don't tell. I don't think its required for you to tell you're seeing others or have other expectant relationships. Unless you're in a serious relationship and the rules and stuff have been laid down then its not a bad thing to omit this. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:34:06 PM | | My feeling is that unless I am interesting enough for her to be satisfied seeing me alone, it's not worth pursuing. I would not play the field. One at a time for me. | |
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| Is it appropriate to tell...
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:44:43 PM | Actually Op it's really none of their business. If you feel the need to tell, then by all means do, but it's not required. Dating is just that, dating, until you both decide that you only want to see each other exclusively, you can both see whomever you like.
You're doing nothing you should feel guilty about, it's all apart of the process. | |
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