| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:18:03 PM | | There is this sweet woman in her late forties, whom I've known for many years faced with a small, but sticky situation. I see her occasionally when we manage to get together for lunch. I knew she had met someone a year or so ago. When she called to get together she said she had some big news. Well, the news was that she was getting married! Of course the first thing I asked her was to see the ring. Here comes the sticky situation. Now my friend is a doll, believe me, but you could tell by her face that she was shy to show her new ring. I told her it was pretty, of course. As we continued chatting she finally told me that she was embarrassed by the ring. It was very inexpensive and you actually had to squint to see the diamond inside. She loves the guy and says it shouldn't matter at all, which I agreed with, but she honestly deserves a decent ring. She told me she'd be more than willing to pay for another one that actually looked more like a proper (not extravagant) engagement ring, but didn't want to hurt her guy's feelings. I had no idea what to say. Any suggestions? | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:26:15 PM | Yeah, that's sticky.
She should be honest, but be brutally honest about herself too. If she says, "I'm pushing 50, and even though this really isn't important about us, it is important in how others view me and particularly you. It's petty, it's stupid, and it's buying into all of deBeers' ad campaigns, but others do judge based on the size of the rock. Sorry. I don't want them to judge you because of this when I share the news, so I want to help with this purchase." Then try to convince him to go ring shopping with her. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:35:33 PM |
I had no idea what to say. Any suggestions?
Sure, if the ring is pretty, say it's pretty (as you did). If that is all the guy can afford, it's non-productive to make a big deal about how small the ring is. What can be accomplished by that? Nothing.
I'm sorry that your friend is embarrassed by the ring. Maybe I'm way too idealist, but if she is truly in love, the size of the ring is NOT going to be a worry to her. And if she has friends that would judge her on the size of the ring, they're not very good friends, so she should relax, be happy, and hope that others will be happy for her.
but she honestly deserves a decent ring
What do you mean by that? What does what she "deserves" have to do with the love they hopefully share? Perhaps she was worried due to reactions like yours. What she deserves is a loving, happy relationship, and the ring is merely a symbol of that, not a measurement of that. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:36:19 PM | I'm reminded of a Tracy Byrd song called "Don't Love Make a Diamond Shine?" Here are part of the lyrics:
Don't love make a diamond shine
It don't matter if it costs a dime
Dang thing looks like a million bucks
Sittin' on the hand of a girl in love
A perfect fifteen carat is duller than dirt if the heart don't wear it
With three little words it'll knock you blind
Don't love make a diamond shine
'Nuff said. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:57:14 PM | Well, firstly this speaks volumes about the people she knows or encounters...
marriage is a committment of love/life/ spirit for( if your vows include it) eternity..
For a man to propose open his heart/ declare love/his life to another isnt easy, its actually quite scary for them because it can be the ultimate rejection...
recently I was in town , I saw a gf's partner. we waited for her to arrive for coffee and he pulls out a ring.... He had been shopping for it and intended to propose bout 2 wks from then... HE was sooo nervous. would she like it... she can take it back blah blah.". I spent what i could on it etc etc.".
I said take a breathe. why are you nervous you know she loves you/(they live together and have a child)I told him, "shes told me she wants you to propose more than anything"..
dont fear she will say no etc......
now heres my point... they are already like married, but he was nervous of rejection of himself/the ring etc..
Your friend must know some very shallow people .....if her intended gave his heart so freely .... would even be considered to hurt/reject his actions/gift because of some material object.
because of what other people think?
the fact you say shes worth a decent ring?omg. she needs her worth shown through a trinket? the fact thats shes humiliated/embarrassed about her ring... instead of proudly focussing on a man has given her his heart/life.... priorities/focus/.. speak volumes.. maybe she just knew you would judge her worth on the ring or does everyone she know think like that?
omg. marriage is about love... she should proudly know that a ring is a mere trinket.. yes a trinket even if he gave her a ring worth $1,000's ......... compared to his heart/soul its a trinket..
theres things called mood rings that change colours with someone moods....
tell her to be latteral in thinking and simply call her engagement ring a chit detector...ie she will get to know the people who are chit.. shallow/judgemental.. cold/gossipy/bytchy etc.. through that ring... and if she is not smart enough to avoid them in the future.. then she can keep trying to live up to some material standard..
I see this as an omen for a not a very good start to a marriage here.... if someone is prepared to hurt someone over this... then give it back /walk away.. then maybe then she will see the void./emptiness this man is filling/offering her love/companionship etc... maybe.. if he withdraws her love, she will then not feel so strongly how others view her ring..
but, if he is just cheap, (because up until now im viewing him as good motive) and she is more materialistic in spending money ,,,they will have trouble within their marriage.
omg if theyre starting out like this, in her heart she feels like that. I dont expect it to go well.
Some men dont propose because they cant afford a decent ring... Is it better he buys what he can afford and propose?... or never propose because he cant afford it.?
.
anyway... yes tell her to be honest.. (her deep resentment will come out later once the honeymoon phase is over). and let him see how his heart=now equates to what other people think ).
mY SON IS 26 and said recently to his partner.. "you know id live in a tent, if i had to ,just to be with you"...
she said (smiled)" i would too"
........... that is love...
so sad... to hear this version of hearts/loves/versus material/outside appearances..
good luck
smiles/peace
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:03:41 PM |
I had no idea what to say. Any suggestions? If you're planning to marry this man, surely you must learn to discuss issues that involve money, finances, expectations, disappointments, needs, wants, potential hurt feelings.
If you're going to accept an engagement ring from a man yet cannot discuss something that, in the grand scheme of life and marriage, is really not very important. then perhaps you might want to get pre-marital counseling. Marriage is for grown ups and being unwilling or unable to talk about an engagement ring does not bode well for future communication.
That she's in her late 40's and can't bring herself to speak to her fiance? Hmmm.
That's the advice I'd have given to a good friend. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:08:33 PM | Sorry, but I don't agree that an engagement ring should be expensive with a big diamond. Money has nothing to do with how much someone loves you.
When my ex gave me my engagement ring on an Xmas morning many years ago, yes, it was small, but you know what? He had had the setting made just for me and I loved it and was proud of it!!!!
Too many people put far too much monetary value on rings instead of the sentimental thought and love that was actually put into the purchase.
Just my opinion.
~~weeone~~ | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:10:47 PM | | This makes a lot of sense to me. I just want her to be happy, of course. She is not a superficial person, and is very considerate and kind. Perhaps pre-marital counseling would, in fact, help her to communicate with her finance'. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:11:19 PM |
she finally told me that she was embarrassed by the ring.
I had no idea what to say. Any suggestions?
Gee...ya know...Im assuming he bought within his means.
And the ring is pretty you say.
I would have said...its adorable and its from his heart.
She told me she'd be more than willing to pay for another one that actually looked more like a proper (not extravagant) engagement ring, but didn't want to hurt her guy's feelings.
Yeah...I reakon if you were gonna gut a man who loved you...that'd pretty much do it.
There is another option...and that is to have the ring altered.
Keep it...but just add to it.
She could have the setting altered with other stones surrounding the petite diamond eg. its an engagement ring...symbol of betrothal...so surround it with a representative number of something to do with them as a couple to this point.
ie. they've been together 8 mths...8 other stones.
That way...she doesnt break his heart...and gets a ring she'll happily wear for a lifetime. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:12:38 PM | | a wedding ring came about by men leading woman on , a long time ago. if the man left the woman she could keep the ring as a way of supporting herself until another man came along. now it is said that you have to spend at least 4 months of your salary for the ring. which i think could be spent better elsewhere. such as a nice down payment on a home or a nicer car to drive. which would you choose???? | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:22:26 PM | Do you even need a ring- do you really need that validation
that he loves you. Nah - its all for show and for your friends to see.
Just another superficial way of saying your in love with love.
Its the person, its the thought and its between you and him.
My suggestion- be proud of what he has given you, it comes
from his heart and if that is all he can afford well- Im sure his love
for her is way bigger than any diamond that could be mined in this world.
Is she embarrassed by him- well she should not be embarrassed by the
ring. He loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I think
thats enough.
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:27:38 PM | | the size of a ring should not matter, it dont hold the key to a happy life, the love in someones heart is what should be measured and that and how shes treated by the man shes chosen to marry, if shes not happy with the ring what else would she be ashamed of and not want to show to her so called friends....the guy deserves better | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:30:37 PM | I think it depends on what a man can afford. If he obviously can afford a nice ring, but gets you a small or cheap one, then that would be a bit hurtful. If that is all he can afford, then one would already understand and know that, being in a relationship with them.
My only suggestion would be, that after they marry and the one year anniv. comes up, she could suggest upgrading it for their anniversary. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:33:15 PM | DANG size!!!!!!! Myself I don't see spending money on diamonds or any gem....its pretty and sparkly yes but so is a Zirkonia...lol! What the women is looking for is the man to show her how much shes worth to him....and then she flashes to her friends and family and demonstrates what shes worth! Well my engagement ring was a white horse.....who I loved....then he made me give it away.....I refused to sell her....she has a good home now! Guess I'm not worth much to him afterall! But I believe extra money should be spent on what makes "YOU" happy wether its a RING or a HORSE!LOL!!! | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:43:10 PM | I am going to try to remain positive but it will be difficult.
She is a lucky woman to have a great guy who loves her and she is a lucky woman that she loves someone. Do you realize how many people on here would love to be in her position?
Personally, you and your friend sound petty. I know it is very important to women to show off a ring but how much has a small ring clouded the reality here. She has a man that loves her, she loves him and he wants to make a commitment to be with her for the rest of his life for better or for worse. She needs to re-evaluate that last statement, for better or for worst.
She should be happy with what that ring, big or small, means not what it looks like or how shiny or large it is.
This is where it is going to get a bit negative...here is what I would do if I were in his position if she came back to me that the ring I just busted my butt to give you isn't up to par. That she was embarrased to show her friends because it is too small and all her friends are in agreement.
1. I would listen.
2. I would take the ring back.
3. I would kick her petty uncaring @ss out of the door and hope the door doesn't hit you on the way out.
4. Sell or return the ring and look for a real woman who really loves me and will accept the best I have to give without being shallow or petty. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:46:51 PM |
She told me she'd be more than willing to pay for another one that actually looked more like a proper (not extravagant) engagement ring,
Actually looked like a PROPER engagement ring?????? Proper to who?????
She shouldn't care what other people think....the ring is supposed to have meaning.......not size....
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:48:07 PM | | Kyn's suggestion is great as well as waiting until an anniversary and getting a larger stone put in the ring. I would also suggest the permarital counseling, perhaps the reaction to the ring is some subconscious cue that she has not been facing something about this relationship. I was not over the moon about my engagement ring but I would never have said anything to him about it. If it had bothered me that much, I would have done what I suggested in the first sentence. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:15:01 PM | | Diamonds are the biggest waste EVER. You would not BELIEVE the markup... What is wrong with a CZ, other than it is hard to waste a down payment on a house on one? Surely there are better uses for someones money. I don't know what the deal with women being so materialistic about this anyhow. As you might guess, this is a touchy subject for me, I don't see wasting a boatload of cash on a useless little stone, the only good reason to keep a diamond around, is for a coating on wear surface... | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:33:36 PM | | The size of the ring is materialistic, as happiness is all a gal should want. If she has a serious issue with it, tell her to go have that tiny speck of a diamond put into another setting or neclace or something and tell her BF that the other ones prong broke off or something. Spare his feelings but she gets her rock. But life after the ring becomes about alot more than that sillyness. | |
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| does size really matter in an engagement ring?
Posted: 2/25/2008 7:54:18 PM | | Post 18 said it all so well ! The guy most likely bought the best he could, if that is not good enough, dump her as she has some serious issues to deal with. Its love, not a ring. To in any way suggest to her guy that she does not like the ring is like running over him with a steam roller. And then from then on, every gift he gives her will be a wonder in his mind if its good enough. It will never be forgotten or end. | |
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