|
|
|
|
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 3:24:35 PM | | I've been reading single mother threads and I have found that the general opinion is that single parents should not let perspective mates around their children until they are serious. One lady even stated a time limit of a year then leaned towards the fact thae if we don't we're abusing our children. I am a single mom with absolutly no help. Dead beat father, no help from a extended family. Should I not date? Should I wait another 10 years until my child is 18? My take is... I teach my son that men and woman can be friends. Until I KNOW it can be something real they are just a riend. The relationship would be as such since this is the getting to know you period. My son doesn't see mommy with a revolving door, because I respect my child. He would never witness anything even remotely romantic. I would assume that is what is meant by revolving door. Is there a problem with children meetig friends of the opposite sex? Doesn't a good relationship start off as a friendship? Since I don't have sitters, should I not have the chance at finding my soulmate? And how do you seriously date someone for a year without them meeting someone so important to you? | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 3:41:06 PM | Ya, it's a catch 22 for me. I will try a few dates without introducing my child. I think you have to make sure the person is sane tho before having them meet your kids. But you don't want too much time to pass so you can at least know if the potential bf and child can get along. You'll either get so attatched to someone and after a long period of time have them introduced and if things don't work, you'll have a hard time breaking it off. You just got to do what's best. the first date should at least be with the date so there aren't distractions and you can see if you can interact witout being dsrupted.
have you thought of joining a single parents group and perhaps get a network going so someone can watch your child from time to time nad you can return the favor? | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 3:44:56 PM | This is a topic that really varies from person to person, as it really depends on each persons set of ideals and values. So for gods sake keep in mind the following is just from some random guy that's faced the same situation as yourself.
You're someone that shouldn't be forced to be single for the rest of your days (to answer your "Should I not Date? Wait for a decade till bday 18?).
To be honest I agree with you on your current mindset of dating. It's wise to confirm to your 8 year old that Mommy's friend "Frank" is just a friend. It's also smart to not let your kid see and Frank kissing on the front porch after a dinner date (or on the couch when Frank comes over, etc etc).
There's nothing wrong with you introducing your children to people of the opposite sex, regardless if you're dating them or not. Just again, confirm that this is Mommy's friend. This absolves you from the revolving door theory, and if anything gives your son another male to know. Nothing wrong with that as you said his Birth Father is subpar.
Good relationships start any number of ways. For yourself though, it's wise to bring any potential serious physical relationship into your childs life as "just a friend". It gives your child time to grow a friendship with your "Friend" and if becomes serious, then your kid won't be thrown into the deep end of the pool.
I wouldn't wait "a year" before introducing your son to "Frank". That's unrealistic. I mean at that point it's "Here's Mommy's Boyfriend" and that'll throw your son into a "WHAT THE HELL MOM?!?!" mode and that's never good.
A suitable timeframe for your introduction should be proportional to how you feel about Frank. Give it some time. A couple months. Three or Four maybe. If you've NO ONE to hang out with your son for a couple hours, then be creative with your "Dates". A good start might be going to a chapters and having coffee with Frank while your son hangs out and reads a book or two. Or have a lunch-date with Frank and bring your son. Let him know "Well I thought we'd go have lunch with a friend of Mom's. He's a nice man and Mom's Friend." Or take him to one of those kid zones with slides and tubes and video games and let him go nuts while mom sits and talks to Frank. Low-key = good for all.
Wow I babble. Going to shut up now. : P | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 4:08:11 PM | wanderbaby, thank you, you understand my dilemma. I totally agree with you that the initial dates should be alone. I am a mother lion about my cub. I first have to make sure this man is worthy of meeting my little one. I can't agree more with the getting attached thing. I can't allow myself to fall head over hills with someone who doesn't mesh well with my child. Some people get along great with adults but not so great with children. I am so loving the mom networking idea. Sounds like a winner.
Yesterdays Hero, today you are my hero. Thank you for not condemning me to a decade of loneliness. Everything you've said is right on the money. The next problem is. I got most of this from a thread that talked about single moms using men. Making them pay out of the pocket for the children's whims. Where's the middle ground. If I suggest my son has to go, will I automatically be put into the category of the singe moms user? Or should I just offer to pay for my son? I love your insight so please, by all means, babble on. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 5:24:32 PM | Oh, yes... been there... in fact, still am. I've been a single mom for eternity, and there is a huge difference in my kids ages.
Put dating on hold for 10 years? Frankly, even a month is too long for me, and I would not recommend "putting dating on hold" for anyone for any period of time.
So, how did I manage to get out, with not much money for babysitters? Here is my secret: I think I have a PhD in begging by now.
I simply beg - yes, beg - my friends for babysitting. I always honestly tell them it's for a date. Most of the time, I'm able to find one. Of course, it limits my availability, but if a man doesn't understand it, he is not worth bothering with.
Now that my older ones are young adults, I beg them to babysit the youngest. They are not always available, but they help a lot.
The best thing for you to do is to reach out to other single moms and to propose babysitting exchange. I gather your son is 8 now - trust me, it will be easier with every year.
Good luck. | |
|
| |
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 5:41:19 PM | Doesn't matter what some thread says about Mom's being "put into" a category. Matters what YOU think.
You're a single parent, and odds are you're steadfast in you pulling your own weight. In the case you brought up, that weight is your child. If you go to Disneyland for the day and spend the time watching your Son go on rides while you and Frank talk, then it stands to reason you'd pay for you and your Son to get in.
A decent rule is that you pay your way (and your son's) until you've reached a time with Frank that you don't mind him shelling out for you and Junior.
There's a huge difference between telling Frank "Junior needs a new pair of Jordan's" and having him bring them like a happy puppy, and Frank saying "Nah don't worry about it, I'll cover lunch this time, no big deal, you can get next."
Give and take.
Just because you're thinking of entering a new relationship, doesn't mean you have a whole new set of ground rules just because you're with child. Just be extra considerate of your child's well-being (which most parents are anyway). You don't want your 18 year old telling you "Mom I'm pissed at you for having me meet your 8 boyfriends when I was growing up. It made me feel awkward and like relationships didn't matter."
Let your son meet Frank when YOU feel he's going to be around for the long-term. Before that? Maybe introduce him to your son enough so your son's comfortable around Frank, but not overly attached. It'd stink for your Son to get attached to him, then you and Frank split up.
Just my random blathering ideas. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 5:44:28 PM | check out meetup dot com and do a search for single parents or single moms, there should be some available since you're in a city.
Yes, I don't get why you'd want to be attatched tosomeone for awhile then have it blown off when things don't go well with introductions. there's nothing wrong with meeting all together as friends and no affectionate displays, and your child should be fine.
as for paying, why not meet at a park, or if at a coffee, you can come early and pay for your drinks. Oh also start it off short. that way it won't be awkward if you can't talk to the person. if it goes great, do an activity, maybe the zoo, a museum. I'm sure that would help your son be occupied and you can take that time to talk to the potential date.
some of the posts that mention a gold digger single mom, when you're on the phone with thepotential date, when you guys talk about jobs, that's the chance were you say that you're stable in what you do, and you provide for yourself and your son and you like to be independent. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:19:59 PM | I totally agree, I am a single mom w/ two boys. I am also a christian woman. Until I meet my husband from that, that's all I can do is date. I dont' think that I'm going to wait ten years or even a year after I've meet a good guy and they understand the concept of me having children, and only then if he's truly okay with that in , about 3 to 5 months they could meet. I'm a mom before i'm anything and that's part of the package. I have no extended family for my sons. My mom has a life but is there for me whenever i need her. I'm not going to be old and decripid when I have a BF/ husband. But to my sons never see anyone that is a partimer. All the know are thier dads, for now bc those are the only two relationships I've been in. Like Jody mama told him on baby boy "mama gotta have a life 2". | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:24:10 PM | | i am a single mom of 4 it is hard when my children meet someone i interduce them as a friend of mine they don't see hugged up on them ormanything so i don't see anything wrong with it | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 7:07:34 PM | I too have young children....and I am 46... I certainly don't want to wait another 10 years to start dating. My kids are 8, 9 and 13. I do have extended family and their Dad is around, so I do have time off mostly the weekends.
I do know of a lot of single moms groups which allow moms to network and build a support team. The local moms group meets at a neighbourhood church, they offer a nice lunch a lot other moms and older women to cuddle the babies and to talk to the other moms. You don't have to have a baby to attend and there is no church chat or praying etc... it is a non-denominational thing free of religion.
that could be a start for you, a moms support and networking group....Welcome Wagon is a good group too to network with and meet new people, a lot of them in the same situation with you. Good luck...be well all of us. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:36:24 PM |
Like Jody mama told him on baby boy "mama gotta have a life 2".
Thank you all for you opinions. I'm feeling much better now. The comments people were making were like "what's wrong with single parents?" or "They should put their children first". I feel I deserve a chance at love. I was raised by a wonderful man who is not my biological father. Had my mother been afraid to let me meet him, or even put off dating all together, I would not have had this stand up guy in my life. I am smart enough to know how to keep things at a friends only level in front of my son. My child is a part of who I am. I am a woman first but I am a mother as a close second. My child is my life and his feelings are my primary concern. I can't be happy if my child isn't. Of course the first few dates are me getting to know him and making sure he's worthy. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 4:52:58 AM | I'm going to assume that your son is 8 years old if you're asking if you should wait another decade
At this age he's probably getting into overnight sleep-overs @ friends...see if you can do an exchange w/ one of his friends parents...
eg: alternating saturdays you take their kid and then they take yours for the night
Or at this age he is definatly old enough to be left with a sitter, just bring a cell phone with you.
A local teenager should be able to handle an 8 year old no problem | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:45:03 AM | I'd start looking for a sitter. Without one, even a first meeting would include your children. Granted, it may put a damper on your ability to spend a load of time with someone, but there's no need to rush into anything and taking it slowly usually sifts out the rubbish in a fairly quick manner. (not rubbish, per say, but people who you aren't compatible with)
After you've spent a lot of time with the person, I would say that it could be ok to have someone over for dinner from time to time, but no over-nighters. Kids aren't dumb, and they see a lot more than we give them credit for. Intro the prospective mate as a 'friend', and have no displays of affection - even if you think the children aren't around - they pop up at the most unexpected times. Use caution - I know my boys would become rather attached quickly to any woman who gave them attention - they miss their mother. Even after 8 years, I don't intro my kids, and I won't until I know something is going to be a long-haul relationship. Sure, I have less of a social life as a result, but I know my kids aren't going to be hurt by the end of a relationship and also that when they see daddy in a relationship, they'll have one to model their own after.
Be patient, and even if it's just once a week or every other week, find a sitter and have a wonderful time. Just don't lose focus on priorities - kids should always come first, and their well-being (present and future) should always be taken into consideration. I know I'm a bit more strict in my views than most people, but I also very strongly feel that I *OWE* it to my kids to best prepare them for life - and a strong respect for women and relationships is something that I am adamant that is instilled in them.
Good luck to you! :) | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:58:09 AM | im in the same situation as you... i have a child who is still young and no extended family or father for my child... so this thread has actually been very helpful to me also  and i agree with those who have replied here... take as long as YOU need before introducing your child to whatever man/men you meet, and then start off slowly and short in introducing your child to him... its whenever you feel ready to introduce your child to a man you feel comfortable with 
something i would personally do before i introduce my child is, ask the guy how he would feel about involving my daughter in one of our meet ups, (after a personally set time of course) that way i would get a little bit of an impression how he would feel about me having a child... if he comes up with an excuse or says something along the lines "well i would prefer it to be just us" 1 too many times, then i know he isn't comfortable with me having a child.. and in all honesty if a guy aint comfortable with me having a child im sorry but hes not worth thinking about cos im my eyes my child comes first and foremost... | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:46:25 AM | As I stated, I am a mother Lion about my cub. When I say friend and no displays of affection I mean exactly that. I am mature enough to contain any passions I have. And over night would be an absolute not. Believe me, my son amazes me every day, so I know children are very perceptive. I always put my child first, which is why I am even pondering.
Even after 8 years, I don't intro my kids, and I won't until I know something is going to be a long-haul relationship.
This statement frightens me. My son (and he is 8) is a major part of me and my decision making. How can I determine it's a long-haul relationship without factoring in if they will connect. Some people can claim to like kids and don't. I hate to say it but there are a lot of molesters out there. If I can't observe my child and this person, I can't make a decision that's it's long haul. I agree with most said. But know that I am raising a man child and I would never let him see a revolving door. I want him to respect women and relationships. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:57:34 AM | | I am a single parent of one. I have had mixed feelings on introducing and not introducing right away. First, I don't want my child to think it's their fault if "so-n-so" stops coming to visit us, but on the other hand I want to know that "so-n-so" meshes well with my child. I've tried both way and neither way is a winner...LOL! My daughter is 10 now, so I think she has a better understanding of situations. I don't hide things from her, but I do try to arrange the first meeting without her to see if it's worth a second meeting. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:01:38 AM | | Darlin', I fully understand that. Allow me to clarify... I didn't mean that I'd been with someone 8 years who still hadn't met my kids. I was involved in a relationship with a woman for 2-3 years, and she met them after about 9-10 months. She had kids of her own, too, and we would plan excursions where we met at the same place with the kids, and saw how everyone interacted. I don't see the difference if he doesn't have kids to make public outings to see how they interact - but again, without the 'weight' of a 'relationship' thrust in front of the kids' eyes. You can go to the park, the zoo, museums, roller skating, bowling, fishing, etc - and have your 'friend' there to hang out and just observe how the kids and he interact with one another. I wouldn't do this intro right up front, though - I'll move onto that step when I know I'm really into someone and it's looking promising. Only you can determine when that is 'right' for you, darlin'. I really wish you the best of luck! ;) | |
|
| |
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:39:31 PM | I wouldn't say don't date, but I do agree with making sure that your kid(s) don't meet someone unless you're sure that they're going to stick around. It's to introduce kids to someone, then have them leave, introduce them to someone new, and keep repeating the process.
From a psychological standpoint... That's not a good idea. If you know the person is going to stick around, and they seem like they're good to go... Then by all means, introduce them.
You can always get a babysitter. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:19:37 PM | Single mom here for a long time now, ready to be in love . It has not being easy.
The last man I date for a while and love so much told me I have to many bags.
That was defitnetly a heart braking. But he was nice too my kids never extremetly rude or anything like that. But he did not got to love them or getting to know them like i wish he did. It hurts me very much but what can you do !!! Life's goes on. I have two wonderful kids . I am not asking for dad to my kids. They got there dad . Jus a good role model and good friend. That's all. Is that too much to ask. So yes being a single mom with children and dating is not a easy task.
I totally agree introducing very fast a potential BF is a NO NO.
SAFETY FIRST........ | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/28/2008 10:21:08 PM | Imperative: (meaning not negotiable)
The Criminal History Background check
Single mothers should date but they'll need a good, responsible babysitter they can trust. Friends are fine as long as they're doing a good job and the child is safe and happy. Personally, I paid a babysitter whenever I had a date (or my date paid) and made it a habit never to bring any stranger around my child until I had begun an exclusive, long term relationship that appeared as if it was going to endure. By the time my child met said boyfriend of mine, I had checked him out on the sex offender data base, had run a NATIONWIDE criminal check and a nationwide background check and knew it appeared safe to have this individual around my child and I.
I can't stress how important it is to run this background check. If you choose not to run a reliable check, you definitely put your kids at risk and you are to blame if they are molested and trust me, these days you can and will be prosecuted for this oversight if your date or boyfriend harms your kid.
No one can expect single mothers not to live their lives. They are entitled to happiness and adult companionship just like the rest of humanity, however we are charged with young lives that must be protected. It is up to us to do the protecting and this job comes before everything else on the list of priorities. Take that serious and do your due diligence on your future significant others -- and do make sure that these people are significant and not just heretodaygonetomorrow types. Children get attached. Don't introduce everyone you date to your kid. Be picky and only involve those who you are planning to seriously have a future with. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 2/29/2008 7:06:43 AM | Get yourself some girlfriends! If you cannot afford a sitter then maybe you can switch off weekends or a Friday night once in a while with another single Mom so you can go out and be a woman, not just a Mommy. Girlfriends need to lean on each other and help each other out. Try becoming friends with classmate's Mom or join a local social group for single parents.
Don't assume the only solution is bringing men around early on, kids get the wrong idea or decide they hate the guy just because he says hello once in a while. My daughter is 9 and decided early on she did not like my BF even though she has never even seen us hold hands. She keeps telling me I am too old to be having fun when she isn't around. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 3/7/2008 4:24:30 PM | I, too am a single Mom.
However, it depends on how long you have been a single parent. If it is recent - then your son may be aprehensive. If it has been a long time - and the father is not at all in the picture, then absolutly let them meet.
In a private situation - friendship may not always be the only thing on your mind - but certainly - the friendship should be presented to your son.
Of course you will spend time with the gentleman on your own. He has to pass your test before he goes any further. When you are satisfied that this man would engage in safe behaviour - then make a date for the three of you to do something together. (something that will make your son happy).
All the best! | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 3/7/2008 10:11:18 PM | As another single mom with no help from the father... I find it hard to date as well. I do have SOME LIMITED outside help... but only during the day when I work. My parents don't want to raise my son... it's my job. I too tell my son that any male that I intend to date are just frineds. But as that he is 4 years old and has not seen his father since October... he is asking me "When are you going to get me a new daddy?"
His father (and I use that term VERY loosely) and I have been apart since 2005. Almost three years now. I don't count the month that we had last year as anything. It was all a lie anyways.
I beg and plead for a sitter just to get a night out... and most times its not for a date with a male.
I would like some advice on how to date as well please?? | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
