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| This & That!
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:37:58 PM | | A very successful lawyer parked his brand new lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the lexus, his lights flashing. But , before the cop has a chance to ask any questions , the lawyer started sceaming hysterically about how his lexus ,which he had just picked up the day before , was now completey riuned and would never be the same , no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant , the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief . " I can't believe how materialistic you lawyer are , " he said . " You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important thing in life . How can you say such a thing ?" ask lawyer . The cop replied , " Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing ? IT got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!!!! " OH , MY GOD !" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:54:34 AM | Interesting story.........................
BUT..........................the point of the thread would be WHAT?????????????????????
Damn......messages this short may not be posted - I hate word restrictions. | |
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once_
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Joined: 8/24/2007
Msg: 3 | |
| This & That!
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:57:02 AM | | lawyer's got arms ?.........as perpetual bottom feeders I was unaware they were granted such appendages...... | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:39:05 AM | | The joke ends, " OH , MY GOD ! My Rolex!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:19:29 AM | When you read a thread... wonder why the OP decided on that topic and story... realize that it probibly has everything to do with her experiences with lawyers and "pictures" or fantacizes this happening to either her's or the ex's or both ! lol
Too funny, so I'm still left wondering what this and that is ...?
This is mine,..... it goes in that ! which is yours ! ... A round peg in a square hole ? or a Square peg in a round hole ? ....
That is the question isn't it ?
( How you interpet that will determine what's in your wallet ! ) | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/28/2008 7:08:10 AM | what exactly is the point of this thread?? are we supposed to post random things in here? or are we supposed to post jokes with the wrong punch line and have others fill in the blanks for us??
i dont get it. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/28/2008 12:26:13 PM | I like shellfish
Sorry, it seemed so random I HAD to post something equally as random. Can you get banned for posting off topic in a thread that HAS no topic?! God I hope not because I'm tired of getting the boot for nothing here. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/28/2008 12:42:50 PM | Ok.....settle down you guys!! You want momma to come in there and give you a spanking?
 
I like clam chowder......mmmmm.....yummy!
Can I post now? D'oh............still to short!!!! Not yet?
How about now? C'mon give me a break......what did I do wrong? tee hee.......whining here!!! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/28/2008 3:37:20 PM | Can you get banned for posting off topic in a thread that HAS no topic?! well, technically, no topic threads are against the rules and thus will ultimately get deleted eventually, and perhaps the OP reprimanded. the only question... will the rest of us also get in sh't for posting no topic comments in a no topic thread?? or... will the fact that we're questioning a no topic thread be topic enough to keep us out of trouble. hmmmmm......
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/28/2008 3:45:21 PM | Heaven forbid a non-topic thread be active for people to just talk and get to know each other!
To short, to short, to short, to short, to short, to short, to short, to short, to short, to short, maybe not!maybe not!  | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/28/2008 4:16:39 PM | This one will get deleted, but we can play till we get caught.
You want momma to come in there and give you a spanking?
And I am sure she is serious.
Not too short, not too short, not too short.... | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/2/2008 12:04:40 AM | EXERCISE DIARY
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress:
Day 1: Started the morning at 6:00 AM...Tough to get up, but worth it -- when I arrived at the health club,Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling smile.
She showed me the machines. After five minutes on the treadmill she took my pulse and seemed alarmed that it was so high. I think standing next to her in that outfit of hers was the real reason! I enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching from holding in my stomach while I was talking to her. This is going to be great!
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worthwhile! Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen.
Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. She tried to make me do pull-ups, but that hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone want to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was a half hour late -- it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumb-bells!!!! Not a chance, Tanya! The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank!
Day 5. I hate that Witch Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage! The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music or social studies teacher?
And besides all that, I think I'm coming down with the flu!
Day 6. I Got Tanya The Monster's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:35:47 AM | here is an 'oh that'!
10 Things only women understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:06:18 AM | .... and yet even more non-topic drivel to ponder......
Valuable Things We Learn From the Movies :
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Thank gawd for my ejukashun frum moovys !!! Eye new eye wasn't as stewpit as eye lookt !!!
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:38:52 PM | Fine Dining
Three blondes and a brunette entered a fine restaurant. After being seated, a waiter came up to them. "What would you like to eat?" he asked the brunette.
"Oh, I believe I will have the steak, well-done, thank you, " she replied.
The waiter then asked the brunette if she would like any side dishes. "What do you have?" the brunette asked.
"Potatoes?" the waiter asked.
"No".
"Soup?"
"No," the brunette said again.
"How about the vegetables?" the waiter asked.
"Oh, they're having the same thing as I am," she said, gesturing at the blondes.
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The Astronaut
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we blondes are going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/10/2008 10:15:50 PM | Atheist and the Bear
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent .
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don'texist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/13/2008 6:57:34 PM | Wow! this ones still around!!!
Go figure! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/14/2008 1:16:49 AM | Little Guys Joke
A little guy from a small country town, on vacation for the first time in a big city accidentally found himself in a lesbian biker bar without the faintest idea where he was. He had a few too many drinks too and was already attracting quite a bit of attention from the normal clientele when he stumbled up to the bar and asked the bartender in a loud voice: "Hey, wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
Well, you could have heard a pin drop in that bar then, and the bartender who looked like the female version of Hulk Hogan and as blonde as the sunshine walked very very slowly over to our sorry little man. When she got about 2" from the guy's face she said in her best phony sweet voice: "Why yes, I'd love to hear your blond joke..... but wait a minute, I think there might be a few other folks in here that would like to hear it too...
HEY STELLA, KATE, ROXY....COME ON OVER HERE! THIS GUY WANTS TO TELL A BLONDE JOKE!" By now all eyes are on the little country boy, who is surrounded on all sides by four of the biggest, meanest and blondest women he has ever seen in his entire life, not a one of whom is under 200 pounds. "OK, buddy, we'd liked to hear your joke now." continues the bartender, dropping her phony tone, "NOW TELL THE FRICKIN' JOKE!"
"No, I'd better not." says the little guy, "I don't wanna have to explain it four times." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/14/2008 1:21:08 AM | Joke of the week
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi, how he had won?
"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:59:32 PM | Newfie Humor
In one of the isolated fishing villages of Newfoundland, a Newfies wife went into labor in the middle of the night, The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there " said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "Now don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. "Laird tunderin jaysus" said the Newf, scratching his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/21/2008 1:40:37 AM | Did you hear about the Ukrainian who:
Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage?
Looked in the lumber yard for the draft board?
Tried to throw himself on the ground and missed?
Took his expectant wife to a grocery store because he heard they had free delivery?
Put iodine on his paycheck because the got a cut in pay?
Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman?
Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her?
Thought the typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period?
Thought no kidding was a form of birth control?
Who smelled so good on only one side because he didn't know where to buy Left Guard?
Thought a mushroom was a place to neck?
Who was sleeping in a farmer's field and got cold so he got up and shut the gate?
Applied for a job as a lifeguard in a carwash?
Thought Manual Labor was the president of Mexico?
Went to the drugstore and asked for a deodorant. The sales clerk said
"Ball type?" and the reply was "No, underarm." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:16:25 AM | A married couple is out for their weekly round of golf, enjoying a great day and great play.
But on the 9th green, something terrible happens. The wife screams in agony and collapses to the green.
"Oh no," the husband exclaims, "you're having a heart attack!"
"Help me, dear," the wife implores, "find a doctor."
The husband runs off as fast as he can to find a doctor. He returns to the green quickly, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and glares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting!?" she asks incredulously.
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly. "I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" the wife valiantly asks.
"No time at all," her husband answers, while practicing his stroke. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:22:35 AM | How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something.
How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds.
If you love a Redhead, set her free ...
If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.
What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
The piranha. They only attack in schools.
How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.
What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal.
What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A redhead!
How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:46:14 PM | The Blonde Bowling Team
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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You may wonder when the other people in your life will be mature enough, healthy enough, or normal to become a finely turned machine and not have to work on relational skills anymore. It will never happen. People you know will never be that normal. Neither will you. "Everybody's weird". | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:35:10 AM | INNER PEACE
Could this be the answer?
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn ' t
finished and, before leaving the house this morning.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of
Baileys, 4 cans of shetlla, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke
an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fukn gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.
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