| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:47:11 AM | This is a big message to anyone in a relationship or dating...stop bringing up your ex! Omg what is wrong with you? Talk about the ultimate destroyer! lol yes, we don't mind hearing small details here n' there, maybe why you broke up/that sort of thing but not EVERY detail. I hate to admit it but us guys are the worst for that. I respect women and I have a sister who's bf would bring up his ex at the most inappropriate times. It got to the point where she didn't say anything, would just change the topic for fear of looking jealous, which she wasn't 'cause she's a gorgeous girl...and he'd keep doing it. Then she's thinking.."is he over her or what??"
It takes guys longer to get over a girl than girls do, I realize that. But BIG shock here boys...your ex gf is OVER YOU and has moved on...so you do the same.
If you want to have a new and great relationship, and yes I'm taking my own advice too, don't bring her or him up. It's rude, disrespectful, and makes you look like a dog.
Bite your tongue, forget about it, and ENJOY what you have NOW because chances are it's %100 better.
So remember, the next time you bring up your ex, remember: We don't want to hear it, we don't need to hear it, and unless you want to be alone all over again, just don't do it.
K I'm done. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:36:20 AM | Whoa......... alot of people really don't wanna hear about ex's, when it comes to bf or gf's. But, what are you gonna do about this part ex-spouses? This part will always be apart of our "previous lives", why? Children for one part that's a life time one, the other part with no kids - the experience of marriage "previous" is hard to let go at times. But, don't let it get to ya not worth worrying over, just be greatful for one thing.... say for example: Well, its a shame it didn't work out for that person but I know it'll work for "us", kind of be proud your with that person instead of "them".
I'm divorced myself, it's not easy..... esp when you have a father around you who speaks of the ex, I was once married to and it's hard to get through his thick head!!
If you were never married before, then you don't understand how some feel. bf/gf thing is different then the marital thing.
Sorry for intrupting your thoughts, but I believe you could try to at least accept something here, there's nothing much you can do about it. But, let it go through one ear out the other and deal with it. If you can't deal with it, where are you going to go from here? You may not have much luck in finding someone then. The world today is not easy anymore it gets tougher as the years go by for most of us. Eventually you'll get used to it, I have no matter who it was with whom. It's part of life.
I hope you have a good day, take care. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:40:30 AM | Any time you've lived with someone for any length of time they are going to come up from time to time.
It happens.... at least, if we want our SOs to share anything about their personal history. When you've lived with a person it tends to have an impact on more little things than big things. (Though the big things are BIGGER.)
Aren't we secure enough not to feel threatened by the fact that the person that we're dating has seen other people? Has lived with other people? Has loved other people? | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:49:55 AM | Great post RAVENEYES!!
I would have to agree with you a 100% but just to let you know, women bring up the "ex" way too much too. It defintely is a conversation killer indeed. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:50:44 AM | Good answer .marc.
You are correct. If you have been married or have lived with some one for a leangth of time then this person will come up in conversations occationally because they shared the experience with you.
If its more something along the lines of well my ex used to do it this way or used to say this type of thing all the time then yes I can see where that would be an issue.
People have pasts and that's what has shaped them into the person they are today. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:40:48 AM | I was with my ex for 20 years...sorry, but he's bound to come up in conversations. I mean, am I supposed to not be able to talk about 20 years of my life?
I was with him from the time I was just a young divorced 27 year old until I was 47 year old. He helped me raised my two daughters and is now involved in helping me raise my granddaughter for whom I have custody of.
We went from being dirt poor to buying our first fixer upper home together, which we both lovingly renovated from top to bottom.
Almost all of my adult experiences and memories I have, I share them with him...from going camping to travelling across the country pulling a tent trailer. We lived through the joys and sorrows of raising teenagers to the miracle of witnessing the birth of my granddaughter....not to speak of the difficult emotional road we both travelled due to our own particular set of circumstances.
So yeah, his name will come up...unless I get a lobotomy or electric shock therapy and am made to forget 20 years of my life, I can guarantee that his name will come up.
Dang! One more reason I never want to date again...there's just too many insecure people out there.
It's funny but personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't or wouldn't want to talk about his past experiences, no matter who he shared them with.
To be able to do so only serve to reassure *me* that the person I'm with is/was capable of loving and committing to another human being and that he's able of cherishing the memories he has of their time together.
I'm not interested in meeting an emotionally void person who's lived his entire life in a vacuum. And I can't see why I would be jealous of the "other" woman that was there in his life before me...how could I be jealous?
For me, it's the exact opposite. I would be grateful to her...what and who that man before me is today is partly because of having been with her and the time they had together...good and bad...no?
I guess we're all different and the more I hang here, the more I realize I will most likely spend the rest of my life alone.
It's not stubbornness or insensitivity on my part that makes me bring up his name in a conversation about say...sanding a wall or something, it's simply because he's the one who taught me how...how can I not just casually mention it?
Ahh...I give up anyway...it's all good and besides, I have a cat so I'm all set for spinsterhood...lol!
Love and peace 
*Just my opinion(s)...to each their own*
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:44:37 AM | Here's the thing Op...sometimes you can't talk about the topic at hand and relate it to yourself without it relating to the ex. If I mention my trip to Korea...I'm bound to say "we" instead of "I" at some point in the conversation.
I'm older than you, but frankly...as long as someone isn't slamming their ex, or talking about them incessantly, I EXPECT to hear "we" in quite a few conversation topics. The older you are and the more experiences you have, the more likely you are to do this. Sometimes the "we" might be you and a friend. And sometimes it might be you and the ex. (shrug)
I think we should grow up and realize that people do indeed have pasts that include other people. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:46:26 AM | My husband has been married twice before me, he and his first ex-wife have 4 grown kids and a dozen or so grandkids in common. I am always hearing about his first ex in connection with any of their adult kids or grandkids. And yes it does get on my nerves at times. My husband is 20 years older than me and I get pretty jealous that he and his first ex-wife talk and get along like best friends. She is his age and they have some things in common that me and him do not. It has been terrible in the past for me while I was growing into it all, and getting used to it. Eventually, though, I did have to grow up and learn to deal with it. I'm glad that it doesn't hurt so much anymore, or irretate me as much as it did at first.
We get over it. Maybe they will run out of steam over their ex and maybe they never will. You have to decide if you want to deal with it. Then live with your choice. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:46:31 AM | Very eloquent OldSoul
I agree with you OP but I found when I first started dating again that it was hard trying to tell someone about your life when you had been married for fourteen years because a significant amount of the stories include the X as a presence or playing a part. It is not always easy to edit out the X and for me at least, it took some practice and it was not because I still was not over him. I don't know if I was totally aware of it until I read a thread a hundred years ago and thought, God, I do that. So I started paying more attention to how I was telling my backstory. He's still part of some of the stories but hopefully in a balanced way, not working too hard not to say anything and yet hopefully not ignoring what might make others uncomfortable.
Sometimes if you do mention it, casually, like do you realize how often you speak of X in normal conversations? Some people truly do not and it is not until someone points it out that they can start trying to adjust their behavior and stories to tell them without actually bringing up the X's name in the process. I don't think it is always indicative of a problem, just something that needs tweaking not to be aggravating. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:56:20 AM | Hard for me to keep my "ex hubby" out of the pic..he and his wife live near me, we share Xmas/Bday gifts, invitations to Bday dinners/Xmas etc and so on.....just a PollyAnna life we islanders lead... 
But I agree...our ex-relationships (ALL of them) molded who we are TODAY.
And I also agree...nothing worse than a few first dates where it's "the ex did this, the ex said that, the ex, the ex the ex...." ARRRGH!!!!! 
BUT...for me and my experiences...on a date, especially first date, I can fathom soooooo much about this new person's character, weight of baggage, etc by his comments regarding his ex(es). Hehheh!
SUCH a great barometer of things to follow... | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:05:50 AM | Cool, yeah don't get me wrong, I agree with some of you in saying that the person we used to be with has definately made us the people we are today. As long as we learn from our past mistakes and relationships. And of course, if you were with someone for 5 years, 10years, or 20 years, married/divorced...it's bound to come up at some point.
My main issue is more simple I guess: Just don't bring it up for NO reason and don't bring up intimate details cuz no one wants to hear that. Not even out of insecurity or jealousy, it's the main fact that its an uncomfortable topic in a new relationship especially.
The past is the past, that's my point. And an EX is an EX for a reason. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:09:40 AM | The mention of the EX isn't what makes me bristle. Practical realities may simply be that the EX is part of one's life.
Examples: Ann is picking up the kids tonight. Ann and I have a conference with Joe's teacher tomorrow. I picked this up when Ann and I went to Ireland. Non-noxious, matter-of-fact stuff.
What I don't want to hear after I have heard it once (and NEVER on a first date--it will be the last!!!!!) is what a such and such they are, how they done you wrong or how I remind you of them in a negative way. If you can't get past the emotionality of what drove you apart, then you are NOT ready for another relationship. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:10:45 AM | Our ex's names will always come up one way or another, he or I would be dating again our names will be SAID or mentioned some where. I know if I'm dating someone whose been with someone before and oh yes, I'm going to expect to hear something outta him. But, when you talk about something your ex has put you through you would see mistakes that you will learn from them too, which molds you into a better stronger person you are now then you were before. ( some mistakes may be yours as well when you think of it, you'll still learn from em.)
Sometimes this message board also helps gets things off our chests, we learn what we read here about each other as well on top of all of this.
Our ex's will always be part of life, we have to deal with it.... either we take it or leave it!!!
Great posts "applaud" to the rest of you. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:11:31 AM | If it isn't out of insecurity then why is it uncomfortable?
I mean-- it's a huge red flag if they talk about them incessantly in relation to NOTHING... but if it fits the conversation, it fits the conversation. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:27:36 AM | Even if the person you are dating brings them up and asks....best to give limited info. I dated a girl who asked about my previous relationships and why they didn't work out. During each and every argument, she brought up how "dysfunctional" my other relationships were. It was amazing how twisted it got.
So, if asked....best to tell your date "It didn't work out. I was into pudding, she wasn't. So I had to let her go."
Make sure your kitchen cabinet is stocked up with at least 30 boxes of Jello Pudding to reinforce your claim. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:33:00 AM | | Got to agree with you to a point, but as with most things in life a certain degree of moderation has to be acceptable. I for one wont stumble blindly on, early in a realtionship without wanting to know a bit about her ex, past life etc. Lets face it if youre going to get to know someone, how you need to for a relationship to blossom and develop, i think you need to know if the foundations are solid. If you are going to mention your ex on a daily basis though theres a problem. An instance a while back springs to mind when i was asked why i never mentioned my ex. She got suspicious thinking i had something to hide, wondering if she was still in the background. So i guess its a play by ear thing people, keep it simple, mention what needs to be and when required. Volunteer when asked.Lets face it, in your thirties or forties theres going to be a lot of history, good and bad, its our experiences that make us what we are. We are all here through breakups etc, but if we going to be serious about a new relationship then history should be exactly that... History.. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:41:07 AM | | If you are asking that your date not rail on their ex's on the first few dates, I'm in agreement. If you are asking that the ex never be brought up even if they fit in to the context of the conversation, I don't agree with you. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:46:15 AM | | I agree with you OP; but it's unrealistic to think that most people aren't going to bring up an ex at some point. I don't ever do it, because I don't have a lot of ugly baggage, but most people (both men and women) do have some past issues. The trick is to let a date talk a little bit about an ex, and then to steer the subject away from that onto present or future events. If the date is willing to get off that subject with a little prompting, then it's not so bad. If a date insists on staying on the subject of exes, then it's time to drop that person and move on to someone who isn't hung up on the past. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:57:49 AM | Bringing up an ex for no reason at all would be outta question....I'd be tired of that too. If I hear repeats I'd go stir crazy!!! It's best once you met your new friend before dating, it's best to get the whole shitzcaboo laid out and off ya chest slowly at a time but not all in one day or night. But try to make it short and sweet on why the relationship wasn't what you hoped, if ya wanna put it that way. Lay out the reason why the partner is an ex instead of the "partner", I hope you got the point there.
I rather get it all of the hurts previously off my chest some how but not spaced out too far apart and then let it be by-gones afterwards and have a smooth going relationship with the new that came along. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:06:04 AM | | i agree, the odd mention or vent is a natural thing, just like mentioning or getting upset briefly is natural with any other part of our lives.. but being around people that dwell in negativity, with all the bitterness and anger and hatred included, aren't pleasant to be around...whether it's about the ex. or anything, perpetual negativity is very draining, imo | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:19:34 AM | We all need to vent on occasion, and if there were children as a result of the relationship that Ex is part of their life forever. It's hard to have such a huge part of your life be a verboten topic.
But if you are a whiner and have not moved past your Ex or how they done you wrong? I don't want to hear it. It's boring and it turns me off. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:01:37 PM | | Another thing is, if it really does bother you and the friends your with, just tell them that its enough. Sometime you've just gotta speak up no matter how it makes you look. If they are talking about their ex till you just feel like giving up on them (and my husband has done this many times) and they just keep on doing it everywhere. You need to talk to them about how you feel. If your too scared to talk to them about something their doing thats upsetting you then how is the relatioship supposed to work? Is the relationship going to work with you always being scared to say anything cause you'll look jealouse? No girl, or lady ever liked for a mans attention to be on anything other than them. So yes you have a right to be upset and say something about it. It true and how you feel. Why would you want to hide your true feelings? That is whats wrong in most relationship that fall apart. The person whos got a problem is keeping quiet expecting that the other person is just supposed to automatically know what your feeling inside (to read your mind). It doesnt work that way though. You've got to communicate and be able to express your thoughts about anything with your mate. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:55:49 PM | | i like to ask about past relationships in the begining. their answer tells you alot on where theyre at. if they answer matter of fact, this is what happened. or youll never believe what that b*tch did to me. youll learn if theyre ready to move on with minimal baggage. or if theyre a project you dont want to get involved with. | |
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| STOP BRINGING UP YOUR EX...GIRLS AND GUYS!!!!
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:52:33 PM | | We all have a past that has made us what we are today. So, I don't have any problem with a man mentioning his ex-wife at times. That is part of his history and I do not want him to think that he can't talk about some of the things that he experienced, i.e. places he went on family vacations; funny stories about his children; and even a little bit about why his marriage/relationship did not work. Some of this can give me a better idea of his perceptions and attitudes. However, there is a fine line between what needs to be relayed and what does not. | |
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