| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:57:47 AM | Are some men uneasy about FWB relationship and therefore say no... but in reality that's all they want.??
Why say relationship and not act like a bf?
Are they in denial?
Are they trying to make you and themselves feel better hence labelling "relationship as bf/gf?
Or do they think its sleazy, dirty, unattached???
To summarize,
why say no to FWB and claim as wanting an exclusive relationship status meanwhile acting like a FWB??? | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:01:47 AM | | Perhaps they have moral objections to the idea of FWB. I would fall into that camp. I would require at least the illusion or self delusion of a commited relationship to have sex. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:16:49 AM | If a man says he wants a relationship with a woman but seems to be making it more like a Friends With Benefits relationship, I would guess it's for one of two reasons:
1) He thinks people will look down on him for wanting the latter so he calls it the former.
2) He thinks they are girlfriend/boyfriend, she thinks it resembles FWB. This is because they have different definitions of the two categories, or they disagree on the the facts of the relationship. For example, he thinks they are spending lots of time together, she doesn't. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:30:38 AM |
why say no to FWB and claim as wanting an exclusive relationship status meanwhile acting like a FWB??
In what way is this person acting like he's your friend with benefits instead of your boyfriend? Have you brought this up to him? Are you unhappy with the situation? What do you want out of the relationship? What does he want? Have you both discussed this? | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:54:17 AM | Well it just seems as if "the talk(relationship) is there but the walk is (fwb)...
Frankly... its difficult and unatractive in my eyes to want a relationship with someone who considers his behaviour (as present) to be my bf...
Yes i've talked to him many times... but he just seems heading towards relationship...
Meanwhile to keep myself sane and happy ... I look it at as a FWB...
I've tried bringing this up to him and the thought of FWB... makes him so pissed off that he wont talk to me for weeks....
Guys .... Im not 15... Being able to tell the FWB vs. bf.. is crystal clear.
I just wish his words would follow his actions, or vise versa...
As it stands.. FWB seems to be more *headache* free for me now... due to his inconcistencies in "thought" vs "actions" process...
HE goes HOT,COLD, HOT, COLD.. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:13:23 AM | I'm afraid I don't have a clear picture on what behavior he engages in that makes you feel as though it's a friends with benefits arrangement while he's saying it's a relationship.
Are you feeling as though you don't receive enough attention? Is there someone else he's also seeing? What needs of yours are not being met?
By the way, don't worry about answering these questions for me as much as answering them for yourself, then asking him. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:22:50 PM | Simple:
FWB = other guys banging you
Exclusive relationship = only him banging you
It's as simple as that.
why say no to FWB and claim as wanting an exclusive relationship status meanwhile acting like a FWB???
The only way (that matters) to act like a FWB is to be willing to screw other people. If he's not, then he's not acting like a FWB, he's acting like a boyfriend. Maybe not the kind of boyfriend you want, but a boyfriend nonetheless. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:40:13 PM | FWB = other guys banging you
Exclusive relationship = only him banging you
I think this is true, but it's odd that a guy would think that...
An FWB is benefits you add to an ALREADY CLOSE FRIEND that you trust, so that ironically, you don't have to "bang" other guys - or more than one while you're single. Granted, some people do stretch the word to meet their personal agenda. A friendship and a sexual arrangement that start simeultaneously is a booty call, or an NSA situation, because there's no way to trust or know their intention.
What I think a guy's really afraid of is you dating/talking to/being around other guys, period. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to interest you either. | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:56:33 PM | "What I think a guy's really afraid of is you dating/talking to/being around other guys, period. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to interest you either."
Talk about being messed up... if this is his line of thinking then holly helll... that's just twisted. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:54:57 PM |
FWB = other guys banging you
Exclusive relationship = only him banging you
Pretty much. Having sex with a woman just for mutual pleasure is great, a big turn on in that naughty/kinky sort of way.
Having sex with a woman knowing other guys are quite possibly doing the same thing on regular basis would feel like getting a freebie from a prostitute. Feels good but not exactly what a lot of men would go for. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:06:10 PM | | About the only FWB arrangement that I could fathom would be one with an expiration date. Otherwise, everything else is hopefully but not necessarily long-term. This gives new meaning to "does the body good." | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:11:34 PM | OP
Unless he is with someone else at the same time as you or you are seeing other guys then this has nothing to do with FWB.
This sounds like you are not happy with your relationship and want more or you two just don't have the same vision for a relationship. He is probably getting pissed off because FWB means a lack of exclusivity and he doesn't want that. He is probably taking it as you wanting to be with other guys and I will tell you that most guys don't share.
If you want something from him, ask. If he can't or won't provide it, move on.
I don't know how long you have been together but some people strive for comfortable and others run from it. He might be the type of person who strive for comfortable and now that he has it he is happy. In the meantime you don't want that and you are not happy.
Who knows, but unless either you or him are f*cking other people FWB isn't the issue. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 4:28:41 PM | > ...act like a bf?
The modern woman's dilemma:
- she wants a man who does everything she wants.
- such a man would be a total wuss and she'd have no respect for him.
I'm looking forward to the day when I can pull the "act like a gf (dammit!)" line out and use it. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:36:59 PM |
Well it just seems as if "the talk(relationship) is there but the walk is (fwb)...
Frankly... its difficult and unatractive in my eyes to want a relationship with someone who considers his behaviour (as present) to be my bf...
Yes i've talked to him many times... but he just seems heading towards relationship...
Meanwhile to keep myself sane and happy ... I look it at as a FWB...
I've tried bringing this up to him and the thought of FWB... makes him so pissed off that he wont talk to me for weeks....
Guys .... Im not 15... Being able to tell the FWB vs. bf.. is crystal clear.
I just wish his words would follow his actions, or vise versa...
As it stands.. FWB seems to be more *headache* free for me now... due to his inconcistencies in "thought" vs "actions" process...
He wants to be your bf, but you don't want him to be your bf. You want it to be "friends with benefits", but he doesn't want that. You're not going to change him, which you should have figured out by now. You can either take what he's giving, or you can find someone else. It's really that simple. | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/28/2008 8:23:26 AM | ^^^No, I'm taking this as she wants him to stick to one path. Sounds like he's trying to sell relationship but all he's delivering is FWB - sex, but no strings, no dates, not a lot of time spent. OP - clarify please? If not, I apologize.
Sounds like she's a lot like me, and is fine with it regardless of what it's going to be because she likes him as a person, but he's not sure what HE wants, or is trying to keep her in relationship mode while not doing half the job for some reason.
In that case, yeah I would take the absolute minimum as expected and label it. If he ever makes up his mind to do more than this, you can always revisit and agree on something else. You don't want to assume more is going on than you see happening and set yourself up for dissapointment. You COULD tell him what YOUR idea of a boyfriend is and tell him he sucks at it and might want to work out the kinks so you CAN consider him in that way - that should get him to man up, or stop blowing hot air.
And yes, as I said earlier - if it's sporadic and he's calling it a full blown relationship, then he either has a lousy idea what a boyfriend's supposed to be, or he's keeping you on ice so you don't talk to anyone else seriously. | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 18 | |
| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/28/2008 8:35:35 AM | ^^^ You are 100% right... ^^^
He gets all hot for short periods of time and then cold...
ex. we went house shopping and he was talking about kids and all this... and then no phone calls for 3-4 days.. then again wants to take a trip ... all hot again then pulls away..
Tells me he is in love with me and he is currently in states buying a place (called me from there for a straight week) and that he'll call me when he gets back (sunday night) ... still no phone call... its thursday... (This is so weird cause if anyone was listening to our conversations for a week 2-3 times a day from usa) they would not be able to decipher (like myself) if we are talkign about the same person.
He just gives this "hope" and then disapears then again and again and again...
Bottom line I don't need to hear all these things ... just wish that he can label this as I do.. FWB and then I wouldn't be so confused as to what the hell is going on?...
UgglyBetyy.. you are right as to me why i label it that way... it is due to "I don't want to get disapointed"... You nailed it... | |
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| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/28/2008 8:42:54 AM | He's screwing up, but I'm betting it's not really intentional. I had a look at your profile, and there's definitely a lot to like about you. My guess is he knows you're a good catch (I'd know it if I were him) and is fighting his own relationship or commitment paranoia.
How much of this you're willing to put up with is obviously up to you, but have you brought any of these concerns up with him, or are you afraid it might spook him and chase him away?
Either way, good luck, I hope it turns out well for you! | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| fwb-no..relationship-no...what's the deal?
Posted: 2/28/2008 10:10:05 AM |
Frankly... its difficult and unatractive in my eyes to want a relationship with someone who considers his behaviour (as present) to be my bf...
Then the question really isn't about him and his actions, it's about you and how you feel about them.
If you don't like it, then you're the one who can change your behaviour opposed to second guessing his I'd think. | |
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| b/c women in his past don't like to feel like a FWB....
Posted: 2/28/2008 10:22:58 AM | actually, its not them in denial, its you. Once again, the answer is so simple, so easy, the questioner doesn't want to see it.
Why does he act the way he acts? B/c he's getting into your pants by acting this way. He's getting rewarded for not cleaning up his act. If it was broke, he'd fix it. It ain't broke, so he's not going to fix it.
Chances are, the last time he was honest, the sex was cut off. So, he learned to be dishonest, to keep the sex coming (pun intended  ). He may be using labels to make himself feel better, but he's probably learned to make the woman feel better so she doesn't cut him off.
Occam's Razor--the simplest solution is usually the correct one. Just like in science, change the dynamics of the relationship, and watch for reaction. If there is none, then the change wasn't the cause. | |
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| b/c women in his past don't like to feel like a FWB....
Posted: 2/28/2008 10:54:21 AM |
Why does he act the way he acts? B/c he's getting into your pants by acting this way. He's getting rewarded for not cleaning up his act. If it was broke, he'd fix it. It ain't broke, so he's not going to fix it.
Chances are, the last time he was honest, the sex was cut off. So, he learned to be dishonest, to keep the sex coming (pun intended ). He may be using labels to make himself feel better, but he's probably learned to make the woman feel better so she doesn't cut him off.
I find it interesting that the sex is seen by men as a reward for him, but she's supposed to be tortured over this - she seems to be fine with the FWB thing - perhaps she's fine with getting her reward as well. From what she posted, HE doesn't like it when it's referred to as such...I'm sure it's because he wants her to sit around while he does whatever he does.
OP, tell him it's an FWB as far as you're concerned until he either ends it completely, or cleans up his act and gets with the full relationship end of things. If he sees others, you see others - if he doesn't then and only then tell him you won't either. Long as it's fair for both of you - go with it, but the whole thing where he does what he wants and expects you to sit around and knit sweaters is crap.
When he threatens to walk, let him. He'll be back - and if he doesn't come back, it's clear what his deal was. | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 23 | |
| b/c women in his past don't like to feel like a FWB....
Posted: 2/28/2008 12:02:27 PM | ^^^^ Ya that's the truth... Im completely fine with FWB arrangement.. however its his insecurities that are even ruining that... arrangement... cause he CLAIMS he wants more^^^^
hell im not knitting sweaters... he can kiss my bootyyyy bye bye...I hate drama...
and he is creating one by asking me stupid questions about "US"...
Take it for what it is... and if you don't like it... then change your "relationship" definition...
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 24 | |
| b/c women in his past don't like to feel like a FWB....
Posted: 2/28/2008 12:56:47 PM | Ya that's the truth... Im completely fine with FWB arrangement.. however its his insecurities that are even ruining that... arrangement... cause he CLAIMS he wants more
Blaming won't sort anything, or only paying attention to answers that reinforce what you want to hear.
You're the one here posting about the issue, try taking responsibility for it and deal with it opposed to looking for justification or creative ways to blame. | |
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| b/c women in his past don't like to feel like a FWB....
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:27:48 PM | Some guys do the 'boyfriend' thing half-assed - barely calling, and when they do, it's just to meet up for sex or for very minimal emotional connection.
Though it seems like your man is doing more than the half-assed thing, just not the full monty. 4 days between chats or visits doesn't sound that bad to me, but then, I've gone literally weeks without hearing from a boyfriend- talk about torture. I'm with some of the guys here. I think he really does care about you (after all, how many initiate the 'us' talks who just want a booty call?). You're going to have to sit down with him and tell him that what is going on isn't enough for you. He has three options: be the full-on, full-time boyfriend that you want, be the fun buddy that you want, or walk away forever. Now, I know that some men balk at the idea of being what 'you' want for a boyfriend (what about what he wants?), but the truth is, the one who cares the least about having a relationship holds all the cards, and that's you, my friend. It is about you and what satisfies you in this case- do what you have to do and stick to it. | |
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