| How can I let him know that I would like to be more than friends-with-benefits
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:51:24 PM | I have been friends with this guy for 2-3 years now and we decided that we would be each others friend with benefits. unfortunately I have fallen for him. The only thing is, is that he has made it clear he doesn't want a girlfriend for a while. The last girl he was with he fell in love with her and she broke his heart. We hang out about once or twice a week. How can I let him know that I would like to be more than friends-with-benefits without scaring him and possibly losing a good friend? Is there anything I can do to make him want to have a girlfriend? Please HELP!!! | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:55:06 PM | subtle hints, be really good to him you know. Make him want to be with you all the time. :) If its meant to be its meant to be. good luck | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:57:13 PM | | thanks for the advice, but its hard for me to be good to him when I see him little as it is. He works all the time. But I will try anything thanks. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:04:07 PM | That is a tough spot to be in. I personally suggest being more active in his life. Drop a few straight forward hints. Guys tend to like things more straight forward. We tend not to take the time to fully analize an underlying emotional reason for an action or comment you might make. You know him better than any of us, so you are going to have to make the decision on how to approach him. If I were him, the best way to let me know would be to cuddle up next to me and ask me why i haven't asked you out yet. And then when i actually try to explain why i don't ask you out, you cut me off and say "I'd rather talk about it over dinner." Then take me out.
Yeah I am sure you want him to suddenly come in and sweep you off your feet, but at this stage you are going to have to take some action to get him. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:10:58 PM | | you don't! screwing your best friend is the surest and fastest way to lose them. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:24:45 PM | | In my past experience, guys want what they can't have. Try backing off a bit and that will make him realize you more. He needs to get that feeling if it's going to happen. It's too convenient right now, which is not a bad thing but it like having a boat at the dock. We can't handle pressure...lol | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:26:48 PM | | he has to feel your losing intrest in him in that area ,sex and maybe intrested in someone else.. sure it's a game but it will bring out his true feelings for ya.. but i think it's a mistake being friends with bennifits.. basicaly your a sex toy to him and nothing more.. sure the friends thing play a factor but he has no reason to go any farther if he has nothing to lose and no reason to pursue things any farther | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:02:10 PM | He is being honest with you and told you he doesn't want a girlfriend.
You went into the FWB situation with your eyes open.
Not much you can do. Either you have to have the courage to tell him how you feel, and risk losing him, or just accept the situation as it is and see how it plays out. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:17:52 PM | Forget all the hints.
You have to tell him. You probably will lose him. People who enter these types of relationships are afraid of commitment or are just taking care of their needs while they heal themselves from previous hurts. This is your role.
If you want to change that, he will not like it unless he has overcome his fear or healed himself from his previous hurt.
To be honest this is very predictable and the reason why most experienced folks avoid FWB because it is a matter of time when nature takes over and pair bonding occurs. The person who is incapable or not interested emotionally from doing this will keep this as long as they can and when it is over they will find another sucker err I mean person to enter this type of relationship with them.
Good luck! | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:27:39 PM | No amount of subtle hints and being nice to him will make any difference whatsoever.
He either wants a relationship with you or he doesn't. If he doesn't, the absolute best you can hope for from any 'pulling away' or pretending to see someone else to make him 'realise his feelings', is that he'll commit to you out of fear of not getting the sex any more, then turn around and hurt you somewhere down the line when he 'has' you and loses that fear, because he was never really that into you in the first place.
When a guy says "I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now", nine times out of ten what it means is:
"Whilst I'd like to have sex with you, I want to be absolutely clear that I have no intention of you becoming my girlfriend at all, and if I make this 'about me' rather than 'about you' it won't hurt your ego and upset you. If I meet someone else I REALLY fall for though, I may want them to be my girlfriend. But not you."
But you could be the one out of ten. Do you feel lucky? | |
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| Turning FWB into Boyfriend!?
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:28:24 PM | This is a pet peeve of mine... Most of the women who come before the Guy Panel are asking for advice or help... so titling your thread "help!" is really not all descriptive of your problem.
I strongly suspect that you're out of luck here. People tend to figure out where you fit into their life, and changing your role is not easy, if it's even possible. To change his view of where you fit in his life, you probably need to get out of it, and then reintroduce yourself. Tell him you need some space to rethink your relationship... disappear for a few weeks. Maybe a phone call or something... then call him up and tell him you'd like to go on a Date. Don't let yourself fall back into the FWB trap, if you want out of it. | |
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| Turning FWB into Boyfriend!?
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:35:01 PM | | could be he doesnt want a gf who would be willing to be in such a situation as your present one....it's unlikely he would go to the convenience store looking for fine wine either. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:35:42 PM | If he is telling you he doesn't want a girlfriend, then he is probably telling the truth. He either is still hurt, is enjoying having no-strings sex, or has commitment issues.
If you haven't told him, then you need to tell him, but make it clear that you can handle it if he doesn't feel the same (if that's the case).
If he doesn't want a relationship, then you need to cut off the sex. Maybe it would be good to start cutting off the sex before you tell him (like hang out with him just for the sake of hanging out) so that it feels like more of a friendship.
Good luck! | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:40:43 PM | For your own sake, it's not a good idea to keep sleeping with him casually if you've developed feelings for him. You're setting yourself up for heart break.
I think you should come clean with him. Don't say you've fallen for him, but do tell him that lately you've started thinking about him as more than just a friend, and that you should cool things off and take a break from each other for a while. Don't ask him if he feels the same way, don't push for answers of any kind. Just let him know where you are, and leave things there. With some time apart, he may come to realise that you ment more to him than he realised, or he may not. If not, you can get to work on getting over him. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:45:38 PM |
subtle hints, be really good to him you know. Make him want to be with you all the time.....
"Subtle hints" mean very different things to different people.
From a man's perspective, a subtle hint means he just got hit with a 2x4 between the eyes. | |
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| Turning FWB into Boyfriend!?
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:46:34 PM | Back off, give him space, and let him know that you are not available for the "benefits" part anyonger. Explain you are not that shallow, and really want more of a relationship that is moving forward, so you want to lose the benefits and be friends once again. This will let you know where you stand with him. (my opinion)
I can honestly say as a guy, you would gain a lot of respect, and I would probably persue you, but only if you haven't given away too many benefits. If you have, then all is lost, you are "easy" and can be played for more benefits by moving on (or threatening to move on), and dumping you if you don't put out. (truth from younger men) | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:05:39 PM | see I understand your point. Because every time I do have a boyfriend he has to know everything about him and our relationship. Its like I shouldn't have a boyfriend because he doesn't like it, but yet he doesn't want to be my boyfriend either.  | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:12:10 PM | | so tell me...when you have a boyfriend, are you still doing the FWB thing with him?...cuz it seems that would cut off any chance of you ever having anything with him...he wouldn't be able to trust you... | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:20:41 PM | | Our agreement is that if I meet someone then we stop the fwb thing. and he has dated girls too. He actually told me the other night that he is grateful cuz I am the only person who sticks up for him. I try to make sure he is safe and happy. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:00:04 PM | | Pick an ample time to suddenly stop calling and hanging out with him, so that he'll miss you/wonder if you value him. It might seem manipulative, but you need to jar him so let him get good and comfy with the routine and then ignore him for a little bit. | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:06:11 PM | | You can't make the switch from FWB to a dating relationship. It doesn't work that way. ..................................................................Hasn't anyone ever told you that? | |
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| Help!!! Tell me what to do.
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:19:36 PM | | The agreement that you both have made to end the FWB situation if you meet someone and the fact that he is actively dating other women, leads me to believe that he does want a girlfriend. Sadly, it would appear that you are not under consideration for the role. As you’ve “fallen for him”, I would advise you to cut your losses and end things now, for it will be heartbreaking for you when he does meet someone else and lets you go. | |
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