| Don't we always end up "Settling"?
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:39:56 PM | I know that some people claim we should never settle for less than what we want in a mate. Now, I'm not one to tell another how to live his/her life, but what other areas of life do we apply the same logic to?
I've never had my dream car. I've had some I was happy with, but never the one I want more than any other.
I've never had my dream job. I had one that was really, really good, for a while, but even it could have been better.
I like my condo, but there are better ones.
So, why should I hold out for the ultimate marriage? Why not choose someone who is pretty good, has most of the qualities I want, loves me a lot, and do my best to make her happy? Even if she isn't my "Soul Mate"? | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:53:47 PM | | Because you can get a different car, change job or move to a better condo, and nobody's feelings will get hurt. But pairing yourself in a half-baked relationship and getting married to the wrong person can be hurtful and frustrating for more than one person. Even if divorces are easy (and often are not) there is too much misery involved. So wait...There's a feeling of coming finally home, when you'll find her... | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:09:13 PM |
So, why should I hold out for the ultimate marriage? Why not choose someone who is pretty good, has most of the qualities I want, loves me a lot, and do my best to make her happy? Even if she isn't my "Soul Mate"?
No, the perfect Seppford wife doesn’t exist. In a relationship we have to make compromises. But as more compromises you have to make, as more you have to ask yourself: Am I with the right person? Don’t just settle for anyone who spreads her legs.
As for the dream car or job it is totally in your hands. I had to work my a$$ off after my divorce. I was almost ready to file for bankruptcy. Now I own my own business and was finally able to buy my dream motorcycle and my car.
Don’t just settle for what appears to be just OK. Follow your dream. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:33:21 PM | Hmm....i dont really think you can compare a relationship (or,marriage,in your case) to material things like cars,houses,etc.....................
A relationship with someone involves a person.
Id rather forgo a relationship with someone that wasnt right for me,in favour of being solo & being quite happy about that.
Im much more particular about a man than i am a car,LOL !! | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 2:35:46 AM | Msg 2 was fantastic and hard to add to that, but I will. I don't believe in settling if that's what I think I'm doing at least relationship wise.
When it comes to material possessions I prefer to think this is the best I can do at this moment in time and I'm happy I can. I mean, I would love a home in every country if I could, but I can't, at this moment, so I'm happy with being able to travel and stay in different places when I can. Maybe I never will be able to, but I don't like the word never.
As for relationships, I always say to myself, give as good as you get. Are you all the man it would take to attract the perfect woman for you into your life. Are you able to offer all that you are asking? If so, hold out, because no woman wants to feel that you only settled for her and sooner or later, if you really feel that, you will begin to resent her and she's done nothing but be herself. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:35:56 AM | | i dont think he is talking about getting messed up in a half baked relationship with someone he doesnt love. i agree with the poster, you will never find that perfect person. of course you want them to have most of the qualities that you need, but you wouldnt be settling if they were missing a few less important ones. if 2 people love each other you have to consentrate on the persons good qualites and not dwell on the few negative ones. remember you all, our God excepted us as his adopted son and daughters, knowing what our faults were going to be. he accepted us before he created the world. you have to let God love people threw your eyes. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:45:53 AM | GAWD HOW I HATE THE TERM "SETTLED" !!!!!!!!!!
how can one know beforehand if this new connection is one where we've 'settled', unless the person has glaringly non-compatible traits, most of us rarely will continue with the connection and move on, but when everything seems to click--but doesn't after all, why do some insist on considering the failed connection as 'settling'.
example: " it didn't workout...I settled for less than I deserved."
wtf?
we don't go into a new connection/interest thinking "he/she better be perfect (lol) and not make me settle!!"
no one is an absolutely freakin' perfect match...or person for that matter, certainly we aren't, so why should we expect the utmost perfect match???
my romantic/dating life is one without a script, one where I look, listen, and THINK before I leap. I deal with each new person as the individual that they are, and if we don't end up meshing after all, then I will chalk it up to just another of life's experiences to learn from and enjoy the moment. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 8:30:14 AM | ^ I agree with the comment about "settled"... which means that you can always walk away from the person for some reason and say "Well, she wasn't that hot. I can take her or leave her.", which really isn't fair to the other person.
Nobody is perfect, but some people have overly analytical personalities that tend to devalue the importance of others as time goes on. The closer that type of person gets to others, the more destructive they become.
I think people like this have a very hard time staying with the same person. The marriages they have might work out alright for awhile, but they tend to get divorced more than other people. Perhaps you might look for someone like yourself, who won't hold it against you if you fade out of her life in afew years.
Kids are probably not a good idea.
You really have to at least try to go into something like this with a "till death do us part" type of commitment, or it will be like going into a strong headwind. It's hard enough to keep relationships together when people are like that, let alone feeling like you're "settling" for something less than you want to begin with. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 8:40:06 AM | The Rolling Stones sang...
"You can't always get what you want, but if try sometime, you might find, you get what you need."
Is that the proverbial settling? I dunno, sometimes we don't know what the difference is between what we want and what we need. Sometimes, they are one in the same. How ya gonna know if you don't take a chance? | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 9:09:39 AM | | i wouldnt suggest you do anything other then fall in love.this person may not fit into the visual imagery you have of her,but when it happens none of the rest matters. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 10:16:08 AM | | Ummm... have you read how many kids Mick Jagger has and taken a good look at Keith Richards? LOL.. yeah, listen to the Rolling Stones, they gathered no moss. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 11:34:20 AM | I'll settle...
for the one that I can't live without. I'll settle for him any day, any time, any where.
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 2:05:14 PM | So, why should I hold out for the ultimate marriage? Why not choose someone who is pretty good, has most of the qualities I want, loves me a lot, and do my best to make her happy? Even if she isn't my "Soul Mate"?
JIM, MAYBE BECAUSE YOU MAY END UP MEETING YOUR "SOUL MATE" AFTER YOU MARRY THE ONE YOU SETTLED FOR.  | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:50:47 PM | Jim...
In my perspective 'contentment' is a state of mind and not something you can obtain from another or a car, etc.
Not everyone needs to 'settle' -- they are perfectly content with themselves and who they are with (these people are usually high on the reality scale and low on fantasy).
Still others are never satisfied. **wink** | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/28/2008 10:19:26 PM |
So, why should I hold out for the ultimate marriage? If you're looking for perfection, then not likely to find it on POF or anywhere else.
Why not choose someone who is pretty good, has most of the qualities I want, loves me a lot, and do my best to make her happy? Sounds like a real relationship - they all take work to be successful.
I don't believe in settling for someone who doesn't inspire something in me. I do think there are some things in people and in a relationship that are critical/must haves and then there are some things that really are not that important. Too many people focus on the things that really don't matter in the end. I think a sense of humor is a must have, because when we look like dried up prunes in old age, it's the sense of humor that's going to be the glue and the spike. Proceeding with a relationship when he doesn't match all of my wish list of "preferences", I don't consider that settling. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/29/2008 2:30:14 PM | JIM, MAYBE BECAUSE YOU MAY END UP MEETING YOUR "SOUL MATE" AFTER YOU MARRY THE ONE YOU SETTLED FOR.
Ok, along those lines, would you rather have a 20-year marriage with someone who shares many of your interests, and meets your needs, or 20 years of loneliness and a 1-month marriage with someone you met 1 month before you die?
I'm leaning toward the 20-year marriage, myself. I guess these are questions only oneself can answer.
I've often thought about those poor, poor people who've had arranged marriages, or married someone fairly decent, rather than waiting for the fireworks. How horrible their lives must have been! (If you can't tell, I'm being facetious.) | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/29/2008 3:47:04 PM |
Ok, along those lines, would you rather have a 20-year marriage with someone who shares many of your interests, and meets your needs, or 20 years of loneliness and a 1-month marriage with someone you met 1 month before you die?
That's a strawman.
I'm leaning toward the 20-year marriage
A 20 year marriage with someone you don't love? | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/29/2008 3:57:12 PM |
A 20 year marriage with someone you don't love?
I'd rather gargle with bleach, thank you very much. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/29/2008 5:31:13 PM |
Nobody is perfect, but some people have overly analytical personalities that tend to devalue the importance of others as time goes on. The closer that type of person gets to others, the more destructive they become. This is one of the wisest things I have heard here.
If you love someone and think they are perfect, eventually you will find out that even that is not true. Particularly if you are sharing a bathroom with them for the rest of your lives together.
Why not choose someone who is pretty good, has most of the qualities I want, loves me a lot, and do my best to make her happy? You left out your love for that person. I love a lot of people dearly and not one of them is perfect. Neither am I.
In my perspective 'contentment' is a state of mind and not something you can obtain from another or a car, etc. There is no such thing as a soul mate. There will be people you can and do love, and people you do not. There is no such thing as someone who will meet your needs, if you cannot or will not meet them yourself. If you are a generally discontented person, no one will ever be able to change that for you. It's your issue. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/29/2008 10:41:52 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^TY!!!!
it's your issue.
no truer words.
it's so easy to just deflect ones insecurities and blame others for "hurting me", as is if we didn't 'allow' it to happen.
one other:
I'm soooooooooo sick of hearing about "soul mates"......... | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/29/2008 10:50:01 PM | I'm not waiting for a Soul Mate. I'm willing to settle for less. Someone hot who is not a 10+ but a 10, someone who maybe doesn't have a billion dollars but several million, someone who is great in bed but only wants sex once a day. Someone who doesn't tend to my every need but 99 percent of them. See, I know how to settle for less. | |
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| Don't we always end up Settling?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:42:18 PM | " If you are a generally discontented person, no one will ever be able to change that for you."
Early in doing my mother's elder care I finally asked her if it was at all possible that she would ever be happy. Could she conceive of it. She replied: "no." What a release., I stopped trying to do the impossible - to make her happy. She spent the rest of her life quite happily unhappy. Interesting to watch how no matter what she came up unhappy. I did not cause it, could not control it, and could not cure it. I could and did respect her right to wallow in it - just not pouring it all over me. | |
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