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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:14:42 PM | Okay, folks, here's my question...
I recently read a very good book (STUPID title, but great book) called Catch Him & Keep Him -- it's an eBook. The premise of the book is this: men do NOT want to be chased by needy, possessive, clingy women. They want to be the pursuers, they want to 'win' a woman.
The advice the author gives is for women to date many men simultaneously (NOT sleep with them, date them), and to be honest that you're playing the field. He goes on to say not to be too available, not to be demanding about getting time with him, and basically to keep it lots of fun, playful -- an non-sexual until you 'get a commitment'. The theory being, if you sleep with him too soon, he will never be committed to you emotionally.
I totally get and understand everything this author states, but the last bit sticks in my craw a bit...so guys, tell me -- if a woman sleeps with you early on in a relationship, is it possible for you to develop real feelings for her, or is she always going to be a f*ck buddy in your minds?
I really want to know what guys think about this... | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:25:07 PM | I'm completely turned off on the idea of playing the field and the whole cat and mouse crap. I won't bother fighting or competing against other people. If it comes down to it being between me and anyone else, I'll walk.
I'm not fond of being just another guy or number or anything else like that. I don't go playing the field and turn everyone else into a number, so it makes sense I wouldn't want to be on the other end of it.
Sex isn't even on my mind, so as far as the feelings go, it'd happen after the fact, because I'd let feelings go far before that.
And I don't think many people want needy, possessive, clingy, anyone. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:26:06 PM | "until you 'get a commitment' "
Did the book say what tit the girl gives for receiving his tat of commitment?
or is it girl-only-receives setup?
Sounds like a lot of wheelin and dealin and sexual politics and subterfuge, if those are into those games.
In practice, a healthy couple often alternates the roles of pursuer and pursued.
The book's opinions are as good or bad as anybody else's opinions.
1000s of books =Tower of Babble. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:31:22 PM | I would have to agree with the author of the book, in all honesty. I do prefer to be the pursuer, and I'm not sure if it has something to do with the "chase" or some deep seeded need for acceptance. The game of "hard to get" is a balancing act, if you play it too hard (appear disinterested) the guy is willing to just decide not to waste yours and his time and call it a day.
Let him know that your curiousity has been peaked but that you are exploring other options. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:43:22 PM | "Good thing I'm playing the field too... I'll go get some from someone else."
Ok... So the rest of it seems like good ideas for BOTH sexes... Don't make yourself too available, make them work for it, blah blah blah. We've heard it all before.
But if any chick told me she was playing the field, I would drop her like a sack of flaming sh*t.
But I can be an ***hole like that... | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:46:24 PM |
I recently read a very good book (STUPID title, but great book) called Catch Him & Keep Him -- it's an eBook. The premise of the book is this: men do NOT want to be chased by needy, possessive, clingy women. They want to be the pursuers, they want to 'win' a woman.
I hate clingy, needy, possessive women and women who play hard to get. There's a really nice middle ground where women are self-confident and honest. Unfortunately that middle ground seems to be a barren wasteland. I have yet to meet a woman who was neither clingy nor a player. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:48:49 PM | I totally agree that men and women alternate playing pursuer and pursued in a relationship...it's the art of maintaining sexual tension. But this is 'before' a relationship is established...I do think that men can be turned off in some way if he knows that she is always available and waiting by the phone for him, though, which is his point. Go live your life, go out with other people, and don't dote on his every email/phone call/IM until and unless he tells you that HE'S done playing the field and wants to be with you. THEN you can sleep with him!
Like I say, I think I buy the message, up until the last part, LOL! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:54:32 PM | 1) A woman can be TOO needy or distant. Too clingy, or too hard to get both lose.
2) Making love to someone should happen when you both feel ready. There's no real "too soon" or "too late"... it all depends on those involved.
3) If a woman can play the field, so can a man. There's nothing really wrong if people are just "dating" multiple people... as long as they're honest about it. And when someone becomes more special... then the others should dissapear.
For myself... I don't mind a woman who will "chase" me. In fact, it's VERY much appreciated. A lot of men want to feel wanted. Not just to be the hunters.
And I don't mind a woman who is more... traditional... but needy... that's just a negative.
But just because a woman is chasing a man... that DOES NOT make her needy.
A woman can be the aggressor, can do the chasing... and that doesn't make her needy, possessive or clingy. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 10:56:48 PM | funny, I should have wrote that book.. I missed my chance to make my first million :P
I typically don't date just one guy at a time.. not until the exclusitivity talk. You know what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket? You get broken eggs. Besides, how else am I supposed to find out if the guy is right for me unless I get to know him on a dating level for a while first? (and even then they're sneaky and fly under the radar :P) | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/1/2008 11:24:38 PM |
Besides, how else am I supposed to find out if the guy is right for me unless I get to know him on a dating level for a while first?
I'm with you on that one...and that was a main point of the book. If you don't really invest in checking out several people, how will you know that you've really got a good match? And yes of course, this is a two-way street. Most folks wouldn't buy the first house they looked at, or car they test-drove...and yes, finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is really worth SEARCHING for! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:36:38 AM | | There's a fine line you'd be walking here. If you're too hard to get most guys will give up very quickly as it's not worth putting the effort into a woman who so obviously is just flirting for flirting's sake. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:49:58 AM | | Why do we have to play all these games? Why do we have to read books on how to get "him" or "her". If you go out with someone and want to see them again, let them know, if not...let that be known too. Why are there all these rules? I still believe in dating one at a time. I do not want to have to compete with another woman and I don't believe men like to compete with other man. Men that date lots of woman are usually called players...and well we know what men call women that date lots of men whether there is sex involed or not. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:27:08 AM | i agree with the author..i think its perfectly ok to date more than one person. NOTE i didnt say have SEX with more than one person. Think about this, why would you just date one person when you dont know if its even going to last beyong the "dating stage"?
why should anyone give up the opportunity of meeting someone who could be a potential long term partner just because they are "dating" someone who they arent even sure of? As long as sex comes into play now its a total different ball game.
And OP another thing too is that, i tend not to take women too seriously if she gives me sex too quick. Thats not to say however that i wouldnt take her serioulsy at any point, but i'm usually more skeptical about girls when they do that. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:10:31 AM | I agree with CuteTxFilly-
The phrase is "PLAYING hard to get." This makes a PLAYA.
This doesnt mean a gal needs to be easy, needy, or clingy either. Nor does it mean you have to be exclusive after 2 or 3 dates. It does mean that if you have interest, show it. Nothing worse than someone being way too aloof.
How about just being yourself and being honest. Otherwise, after he's 'caught,' he may find out the truth about being with you and leave. Then you'd have to post in the broken heart section. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:40:24 AM | Well, if one rushes too fast to get into bed, they miss some wonderful seduction parts of the relationship. Then again, sometimes the passion of the moment just takes you there and people need not regret that if it happens. Keep in mind that men have options too so if you wait too long, the guy will just move on to another and the hotter the guy, the faster that happens.
There is a lot out there to read and I don't know that I would put too much weight on any one of them in particular. I do think it's a great idea for both men and women not to rush into something exclusive too quickly even after they are having sex. That's just settling and not some rare luck that you stumbled over Mr. right.
I read an article a while back from a dating "expert" and her advice was that every single woman should have at least 3 men that they are dating. One for hot sex, one that takes you out and spends money on you, and the ONE that you really want to marry. The advantage of that is to be able to experience hot guys that are really not a fit for you long term but that can produce a breathtakingly exciting experience for you. Yet, you are not wasting time because you have a LTR you are working on and at the same time and you are going out doing a lot of fun things with others as well; perhaps even having a night out with the girls too here and there. How does that sound as a fun social life? It’s a good thing that most women are good at multi-tasking.
Personally, I used to be the one that spent money on women, later I was the one they wanted to have hot sex with but now it seems that they ALL want to marry me. DAMN! So, that article seems consistent with life's experiences. Of the three, it's most fun to be the guy that they wanna just have hot sex with. Men are not without emotions so despite what so many have said about sex leading to only F.W.B. or F.B., a LTR can and does happen with a relationship that starts out hot and heavy.
Ladies do at points go after sex like men or at least like the common perception that women have of men going after sex. Some women get more aggressive than most men ever dreamed of being. Young men and men that have lived a sheltered life are intimidated by that. On the other hand, seasoned men (young or old) are very much attracted to women that have a sex drive where the woman thinks to herself: "I like it, I love it, I want some more of it." That kind of woman is very sexy and confident in herself and that's attractive to men. The difference between a slut and a woman with a healthy sex drive really is only how they handle themselves in social settings. Although both flirt, the former is crass while the latter is elegant. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:40:43 AM | | The reason most people are single is because they PLAY GAMES! Why make it difficult for that special someone to come into your life! Just be yourself and go with the flow of the relationship to get exactly what you want! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:19:13 AM | OP
Never read that book. Agree that [chased by needy, possessive, clingy women] is a big bummer from my point of view. Cant say I want a hard pursuit situation either, that seems to much like game playing.
[I totally get and understand everything this author states, but the last bit sticks in my craw a bit...so guys, tell me -- if a woman sleeps with you early on in a relationship, is it possible for you to develop real feelings for her, or is she always going to be a f*ck buddy in your minds? ]
Can only speak for myself- I can develop emotions for the woman, or not, likely know which potential it will be very early after meeting, have seen/heard it said a woman knows if she will get naked with any particular man within just minutes after meeting. So women really control the situation of what will potentially happen.
Did I muddy the waters?
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:12:47 AM | No, you didn't muddy the waters...and I think you're right.
But here's the deal -- I've seen it happen again and again, with myself and with MANY other women (and maybe this is a generational thing, not sure).
You go out with a guy -- once, twice, maybe three times. You've stated -- both in a profile on a service like PoF, and in person, that you're looking for an LTR. So, the goal is stated and understood. The guy ALSO states that he is looking for an LTR. There's great connection and chemistry -- he calls, flirts, emails. Things get physical on the fourth or fifth date (remember, we're getting old here!). The sex is phenomenal. Day 1, he doesn't call. Day 2, he doesn't call. Day 3, he doesn't call...when and if he does call, it's for more sex. Somehow, the relationship part (the great connection, the flirts, the emails) is lost.
As I say, I've seen this happen over and over again -- and the women are all attractive, sane, fun, kind, smart, and great in bed! This scenario seems to play out MORE FREQUENTLY with men 50-60 years old than younger men -- I'm 49, so you can guess who I date most (yet another reason I suppose to date younger men!).
In short, once the chase is done, the guy is done! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:20:35 AM | It'd be hard for me to chase a woman too much. Once I've reeled you in, I give you some slack. How did Lemmy from Motorhead put it? "The chase is better than the catch"
I think there's truth in that, but honestly, I like to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I've generally had my fill of "Hit and Run" tactics.
Although in my younger days, I did call it "hunting". I'm sort of shocked that older men would be prone to this, but you know what? All the older women I meet are prone to it too. So obviously there is something to it.
I think it has more to do with the person than anything else. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:25:22 AM | LOL, my dear, I've done that for 6 years, which is exactly why I read this book!
And Leeanne, I'm absolutely not a game player -- but I AM a very strong, smart, sexual woman, who sadly scares the bejeezus out of most guys. I'm also a lot of fun, great sense of humor, and one of the nicest people you'll meet (or so say the people who know me). The fun/kind side of me draws 'em in, but the smart/assertive side scares 'em off! What's a smart/sexy/fun/assertive girl to do? I'm gettin' OLD HERE!  | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:28:18 AM | I don't date multiple people at once.
I doubt I would want to date someone who was "playing the field."
I like to feel special. Sure "winning a woman" makes you feel special... but it isn't a sprint race. Not being demanding is ok, but I would view what you're describing as lack of interest.
If someone tells me that they're just "playing the field," I think I would back off. I would assume that they weren't looking for anything serious... and all I look for is serious relationships.
I agree with the do not sleep with people, date them advice.... I don't sleep with someone until I'm in love, 'cause that's the way I'm wired. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:41:53 AM |
No, you didn't muddy the waters...and I think you're right.
But here's the deal -- I've seen it happen again and again, with myself and with MANY other women (and maybe this is a generational thing, not sure).
You go out with a guy -- once, twice, maybe three times. You've stated -- both in a profile on a service like PoF, and in person, that you're looking for an LTR. So, the goal is stated and understood. The guy ALSO states that he is looking for an LTR. There's great connection and chemistry -- he calls, flirts, emails. Things get physical on the fourth or fifth date (remember, we're getting old here!). The sex is phenomenal. Day 1, he doesn't call. Day 2, he doesn't call. Day 3, he doesn't call...when and if he does call, it's for more sex. Somehow, the relationship part (the great connection, the flirts, the emails) is lost.
As I say, I've seen this happen over and over again -- and the women are all attractive, sane, fun, kind, smart, and great in bed! This scenario seems to play out MORE FREQUENTLY with men 50-60 years old than younger men -- I'm 49, so you can guess who I date most (yet another reason I suppose to date younger men!).
In short, once the chase is done, the guy is done!
Relationships are more about finesses than a set of rules, processes or procedures. If people are having problems in their relationships they should examine their selves first, a lot of our problems are a result of behaviors we don't acknowledge about ourselves or keep suppressed.
When I say examine yourself this of course is going to come into play when you've had several experiences with similar results. Talk to your friends and family, they are going to know some of those gray areas that could be red flags to people who don't know you.
In reference to the book, some people like the pursuit and other like to be pursued, it really boils down to the individuals expectations. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:16:34 AM | One of the age old questions here,, do people choose people who are like minded in the first place. Noticed that people take more time in general choosing a car than mates..
But to the question, it would depend on the persons needs and particular attraction that has developed between them... As to being a casual relationship or not you should know by how interested the person is to be with and near you..As for playing the field its not a good idea to be upfront with this, it's kind of like adultery...of course this is just my opinion | |
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