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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 1:08:44 AM | Hope someone can give me some wisdom. I'm sorry if this is long...
I have been with a wonderful man for 7 months. I have never been this happy before in a relationship. After 3 months, I found out he'd been living with someone for the first 6 weeks of our relationship. I never even knew. I can see why he kept it from me, I worked with him and asked him out over email when I left my job. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend because he kept it hidden from everyone. Reason being, the person he was in a relationship with was an ex-patient at the mental hospital where we worked. He had had enough of this relationship because he was deeply unhappy. She had a borderline personality disorder and was very abusive and was horrible to his young son, coz she was jealous. He said even though he knew it was wrong, when I emailed him it gave him and opening out of his situation, which was pretty dire.
So we sort of managed to get over that. During our 7 months together he's never stopped telling me how lucky he feels to have me, how he's so in love with me. I mean I've never known love like this.
Unfortunately last week we argued real bad because his ex had got in touch with him. Only the week before I had been telling him how I was starting to trust him, and he said that had meant the world to him - more than anything. Then when she rung him (something manipulative - she didnt' even have his number she got it of his sister) I threw some horrible things in his face like he was going to go back and sh*g her. It really hurt him, but we managed to get over that argument then another one happened again a day later and I'm afraid I handled it wrongly. I was saying stuff about how he must be needy and that he'll need someone else to cling onto before he leaves me etc, etc.
Again we made it up, but yesterday we were at his sister's and I could sense that he wasn't the same with me - really distant. It's hard not to notice when you have practically spent 24/7 with someone in 7 months and have been so close and affectionate wtih that person.
To cut a long story short I asked him to take me home, which he did and he didn't seem to bothered by it either. We had a talk when we got to mine and he said that he did feel a bit different, not that his feelings had changed but he had basically undergone a 'character assassination' last week and he was finding it hard to get over it, feelings were still werring round in his head. He wasn't as reassuring about his feelings like he is normally if I'm feeling insecure, didn't seem to come near me, which is totally unlike him.
Only last week, he was telling me every five mins, how so in love with me he is, how I'm perfect for him, he's never loved anyone like this before etc, etc.
I believe him as well coz he's constantly with me and always put me first. But he walked out of my place yesterday becausse I was exasperating him and hasn't rung/text anything since. Nearly 24 hours have gone by.
I'm devastated. I admitted what I did was wrong. He wasn't so innocent himself though. I can't sleep, havent' eaten. I dont' know what to do. I don't want to get in touch and annoy him more.
Can he have really fallen out of love this easily? | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 1:58:10 AM | | So basically something out of his controll happened with him and from what I gather, really wasn't anything, but you insist on fighting with him all the time now and biting his head off. Maby he lied, maby it's not him that's changed. You should take your blinders off and take a good look around. No, he's not without fault, but at the same time you been on his butt because of something he didn't do. I think maby you should just let him go cuz you are doing him alot of harm. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 2:04:47 AM | | What if he was doing the same to you? How many relationships have you been in? Why is he to blame for something his sister did? Further more, why is he to blame for something his ex did? Why is he to blame for your apperent past problems? Why do you say you trust him, but proceed to bite his head off when something totally out of his control happens? Is that what people concider trust these days? | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 2:21:09 AM | I don't think he has fallen out of love with you.He sounds like he is hurt.He did say he felt like his character had been assainated presumably by you and things you said to him.Maybe he didn't think you would react the way you did?
I agree with the Ex-Navy's post.It wasn't his fault that his ex got his number but you argued with him as if it was? That was unfair and it seems you have trust issues with him despite you saying you were starting to trust him.It would have been entirely different if you had found out that he had been the one to initate contact with his ex.
I would pick up the phone say sorry for what you said and ask if he'll meet you to talk.
You have nothing to lose.
Good Luck | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 2:22:25 AM | | You have just behaved like the last one, and he is scared and not feeling so comfortable with you, walls have gone up on his part, he is not seeing your side of it, time will tell who is right and who is wrong, only time........ | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 2:47:31 AM | So he was living with someone for six weeks at the beginning of your relationship and didn't tell you? Nice way to build trust. (Not). She was horrible and abusive to his young son and he stayed with this woman? There is a big red flag.
I've been in a relationship like this, and let me tell you, it will eventually affect your health. Why should you always be the one in the wrong? You are entitled to the way you feel. Sounds to me like he has a problem. I, too, was devastated when the relationship ended (abruptly). If only I had loved him a little more, been a better person, and better lover.....I would have done anything to get him back. It took a few months of seeing a psychologist to make me realize how damaging a relationship like that is. The man didn't truly know what love is. Constantly telling you how he loved you and how perfect for him you were was probably his way of trying to convince himself he really did feel those things. Character assassination, my butt. Blaming you for every problem is not character assassination, it's manipulation. Run away. Run far away and look back at this relationship.
So cry, don't eat, and just indulge yourself in getting through the pain of loss. You will survive. Let this one go. There truly are more fish in the sea. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:06:54 AM | | I know what i did was really wrong. I acted out of anger. I didn't want to hurt him. I just don't know where to be with myself at the minute. I just keep holding on to the fact that he couldn't have really meant all of those things he said to me about being the love of his life is he is prepared to walk away and not look back. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:29:41 AM | First, I am TOTALLY impressed that you admit that admit doing wrong. That is soooo rare on these posts. Very mature. Really
It sounds to me like your bf feels used, manipulated, and victimized by his previous girlfriends/wives/etc. And he is understandably afraid that you will do the same. So when you act out your anger, he feels like he has to act as a victim, which ruins the relationship, and he goes running away.
BF needs to be able to say "I'm no longer a victim, I'm a survivor". And you can help him get to that point (it may take a year). Share with him all these responses to your post. Talk about why he feels threatened. Talk about why you feel threatened. You can also hire a professional counselor to help you through it.
Best of luck
G | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:39:09 AM | Caramelcakes,
First of all.. big hugs!!
7 months is a long time and he sounds like he was in love with you and he has put walls up because he has been hurt. I would advise maybe writing a letter or email to him explaining that you did wrong, and that you still love him and care for him.. and then leave it be. At least then you have done what you need to do to communicate and "fight" for the relationship without being confronting. He can then read it in his own time and then figure out what he wants to do. Men are funny creatures, he might be sitting at home now thinking that he stuffed it up and not knowing how to contact you! ;)
Wishing you the best of luck..!
lochlet. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:47:25 AM | Thanks for your replies.
It wasn't like we had a row yesterday, I could just 'sense' that something wasn't right. The subtle little gestures, like an arm on me when we're sat in front of the telly, a little kiss as he walks past me. Never has he let me walk past him without doing these things, but yesterday I noticed these things weren't there.
I know we argued a lot over this past week. Yesterday when I said that he was distant it took him ages to even admit that he couldnt' forget some of the stuff that I'd said and it was going round and round in his brain. But I wasn't rowing with him just asking for reassurance but he said it wasn't helping how he was feeling, and then after I'd asked him something else, he just left my place and went and I haven't heard anything since (nearly 24 hours). I am so gutted. I want to get in touch but I don't want to pressure him. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:54:30 AM | ok so sometimes people fall in love to quickly...it feels so right at the time.
though then the settled period hits...makes people reflect on situations..
sorry but it sounds like he may have got cold feet..his telling you he loves you constantly is probably him trying to re-assure himself..
give him some space and time to think about things..if he truly loves you he will be back. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:16:45 AM | SO the guy is a two timin liar to BEGIN with
and u expect him to be forthright with his feelings about u
to be totally honest
its NOT gonna happen
he was WRONG when he dated an x patient
WRONG when he neva told u bout her
and doesnt like being reminded what he did
so ur just supposed to FORGET that u busted him on all this
WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG
he needs to get over himself
kathi go fishin girl | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:49:18 AM | OP - I've just read your other very recent thread along with this one, and from my personal perspective I feel that you have some serious insecurity issues - in this one you say that you need constant reassurance, but in your previous thread you are asking random strangers if he means what he says, without the benefit of you explaining that you seek constant reassurance from him...........
I've also just checked your posting history and in one you say that you've had many 'loves of your life' but in the recent one previous you say you've only been in two relationships - I smell a bit of a rat here.
You've started OVER 30 THREADS, mainly about him and your relationship in the last 6 months!
Poor guy!
Holy cow lady! Ever think that he may read what you write about him on a PUBLIC forum?
Ok, so he was dishonest to begin with, but from what you've written he seems to have tried to make amends, he has pandered to your insecurity by constant affirmation, being with you pretty much 24/7, and done pretty much everything you have asked from him by way of 'guarantees' over the time you've been together.
THEN his slightly warped ex contacts his sister 7 months down the line, gets his phone number and you make him pay hell for their actions........... and I have to agree 100% with ex-navys' first reply - WHY IS HE TO BLAME FOR THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS?
You can apologise until you are blue in the face but you have abused his trust in you, and destroyed it. I don't blame him for backing off and putting up his walls, I would too.
Could he have fallen out of love so easily? No I don't think he could, but maybe you are now showing a side to yourself that has made him question whether you have been misrepresenting yourself, when he has done nothing to warrant this kind of attack from you.
Yet you felt (at the time) fully justified in attacking without thought - not a very appealing trait in a potential long term partner.
How would YOU feel if the tables had been turned? If someone from your past had turned up unexpectedly and he had verbally flown at your for their actions?
You'd be on here creating ANOTHER different thread bleating about how unfair he was being towards you I guess.........
Get some counselling fast, sort out your own issues, and please leave him alone to give him time to clear his own head. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:59:44 AM | I have been in a similar situation and ended up marrying a man who lied to me about living with and having a gf when we first started dating. I won't bore everyone with the details and the obvious "red flags" that I CHOSE to ignore. I will however share the lesson I learned and actually already knew, and I believe most ppl know this lesson, we just get caught up with what we WANT to happen and decide we aren't going to follow our intuition, natural instincts, or use our God given common sense. We want to be in love so desperately sometimes and we want someone to love and to love us in return, that we CHOOSE to ignore the obvious.
When ANY person is still in a relationship with someone else and has not left that situation on their own prior to becoming involved with another person, it indicates a lack of strength and character in THAT individual. Unfortunately in your situation you were unaware of the truth until after this man toyed with your emotions. HE is at fault here. HE caused this pain because HE was not honest with you and more importantly, with himself.
You have every right to feel the way you do and to have doubt in your mind about his relationship with you. He already established that he does not have any integrity by cheating on this other woman while he was dating you. This probably isn't the first time he has done this and he would most likely do it to you. I see married men do this all the time. They are so insecure about being on their own that they want to establish a relationship with another woman so they don't have to go through the pain involved during that transtition period between relationships. And who can blame them? Nobody likes pain or to hurt. However, we do not grow as ppl when we do not face up to our lives and do the most difficult thing and that is to go through the pain. Only then do we grow up our character.
So I guess my question to you is do you just want a relationship, a man, someone to fill the emptyness in your life/the hole in your soul at any cost? Or do you want a mature man who is emotionally secure enough to stand on his own? My next question is who told you about his previous gf? Did he tell you about her mental illness? If so, I'm not sure I would trust him and even if his account of her was correct, well whether or not he was telling you he loved you and all the other "lines" he fed you, why wouldn't you question any person who allowed themself to LIVE with any other person with such issues? Especially when they have a child in their care and they are exposing that child to the situation...
Now having said that, I will tell you I understand fully how you can allow that to happen. I ignored it all because of my situation in my life at the time I met my former husband. When I finally stopped ignoring the ton of "red flags" in our relationship and with him and mustered the strength to leave him, guess where he went? He went right back to that woman who was supposedly crazy and wouldn't leave him alone! We were married when he did this, but I had finally left him and was living five hours from him. He would call me all the time for months and proclaim his love for me and tell me no matter what happened, I'd always be his wife and that he wanted me back and he'd do whatever it took to get me back. Guess what? I fell for it for months until I discovered he had moved back in with her and had been lieing to me about living with friends during our separation! He was also going to let me move AGAIN after I thought he was getting help, he was going to let me move back to where he was because I truly loved him and wanted to be with him.
So there you have it. I am not "preaching" to you from some high lofty place where I have no real life experience with what you are dealing with in your life and heart at this moment. It hurts, it hurts deeply. However, if you allow him to return after he has proven he really doesn't understand that your mistrust of him is based on a reality HE created, then you have noone to blame but yourself. People who jump from one relationship to another without going through the pain are toxic and that poison will destroy both you AND your relationship.
My advice to you... Let him go. Embrace this terrible pain. Scream, throw things, allow yourself to be depressed (just don't stay there too long), then get over it and get on with becoming a healthier, happier, balanced you so when you do meet the right man, you will not cheat him out of what he deserves from you. A you who is not desperate for someone else's love to validate their existence. A you who is capable of standing on your own two feet. A you who can offer the same quality you deserve in a relationship to that other special someone. All my best to you my friend.  | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:12:04 AM | Sounds like to me:
Knowing the whole story and knowing how happy her brother was - why the hell did she the sister give the phone number to the NUTCASE!!
or was the sister jealous of you (and wanted you out of the way).
why is the sister still visiting the nutcase - seems there is the problem...
grab his attention and ask: Why did the sister remain friends with the nutcase and why is she sharing private information (or cant her brother, your man decide who he wants to have on his phone)
How old is this man 16, with a life being run by his sister S T R A N G E come back with how she explains herself am dying to know
it sounds like the sister set you both up and is now laughing at the carnage of the relationship | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:44:23 AM | After reading about your heartache and everyone else's response, it seems to me
that this man you've been seeing is displaying a pattern. First he was with someone
else for some weeks and very unhappy. So why didn't he leave on his own. Why
did it take you coming into his life to be the catalyst. Then when the old girlfriend
gets his number from his sister. Why didn't he just hang up on her? Again, he needed
you to get mad about what should have been obvious for him to do. Now, because
you let your feelings out honestly, your relationship with him is in ruins, because
of what you did???? It's always somebody else's fault with this guy. He never takes
any responsibility for his own behavior. MEN PULL THIS STUFF ON WOMEN
ALL THE TIME. Oh it's never that they're indecisive. It's always some woman in
their life that's too argumentative, or a nut case, or interferes with their relation-
ships. Isn't it???
You're behind a rock and a hard place now. You can't go back and unring the bell.
And the choice ahead of you is to go back and (apologize?) for what? If you do that
you will be in the unpleasant predictament of constantly being sorry, a place he might
very well enjoy for a while, while he takes advantage of you. Do you really want to
set yourself up for that kind of humiliation? It won't be fun and you'll start really
getting down on yourself in the process. Believe me, I went down that road and
it's not much fun.
My advice to you is to go along with the pain for a bit then clean yourself up and
get back out there. It might hurt a lot but a month from now you'll be glad you did.
By that time, who knows, you might meet a new fish that won't be flopping on the
dock gasping for air, but a nice fresh one that won't manipulate you into always
feeling sorry for him.
Best of luck and bunches of hugs. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:45:17 AM | Sounds like a passive aggressive personality...
He can turn a stable ..sane..got her head altogether woman...into a screaming meemie..
Just a clue...it was not HER..............or YOU>>>>>>>>>>>>>it's HIM | |
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miffys
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Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:53:04 AM | First of all, you probably shouldn't have spoken to him the way you did..perhaps that turned him off a little? If you care about someone, why would you want to hurt them? Emotionally or physically?
Just relax, and tell yourself this.....if this is true love, if he really does love you, then of course everythings going to be alright. He might just need his space right now....figure things out in his head and his heart.
Personally, I think he'll come around. Just be patient. And let him be. Do not contact him. Let him come to you! Good luck! | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:17:06 AM | Hi........
I had a similiar situation to happen about a year ago. I don't know that I have words of wisdom but I do want you to know that I understand what you are feeling. I would like to email or talk. I may be able to help in some way. If nothing else to listen. Let me know.
Candy | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:28:13 AM | | i agree with Miffy, let him come to you, (contact you!) this same thing happened to me , the i love you's, the i will never go back to her etc.etc. --long story, any way, you can't make him DO any thing , so stand back, and heal yourself, be alone for a while, and try to get over him, cause he may not come back, and i feel it would be best not to pine over him, get over him! and if it's meant to be He will contact YOU, then You decide. HUGS and Good Luck | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:38:56 AM | Yes, you've only been together a short time and you seem to have some pretty serious self esteem issues that are putting a damper on the relationship. It's not easy to make love to someone 24 hours a day. You cannot expect your mate to make you feel better. You need to do that yourself. I'm sure the hospital you are working in has classes or group counseling you should take advantage of.
You've posted frequently about concerns in your relationship. His family does not seem happy with you and your family does not seem pleased with him. Could you possibly be ignoring some major signs of incompatibility? Dating a guy that had a GF the first 6 weeks of your relationship (and lied about it) combined with the fact that she was a patient in a mental hospital does not seem like a guy that makes the best choices. He also lives with his sister and she's giving out your phone number to the crazy Ex, that's not his fault, but do you really want to have this family in your and your child's life? | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:57:50 AM | Ohhhhh...CaramelCakes, after all those threads, you still managed to make a boo-boo. Never mind. It's a good thing, because we all make mistakes. This one is not the worst you could have made by far.
He's just feeling a little sensitive about it. Well, extremely sensitive. Dealing with anyone who has mental health issues can be very tiring. I know, my friends find me difficult to deal with at times. Fortunately, they are very forgiving.
However, was this woman an out-patient or an in-patient? If she was an in-patient, then from what other people I know who've been in mental wards, I'd say she had extremely serious problems to have been put there. Either she was sectioned, or not far off, from the people I know. If that was true, she's probably only an out-patient because she can be trusted to not run down the street naked, or try to stab someone, or try to kill herself. But she's probably still got severe problems. Even if she was an out-patient, that doesn't mean she's over all her problems. Also, she's got BPD.
With all that to deal with, she could have been a nightmare. He could have fallen for a nightmare, and it depending on the length of that relationship and how difficult it was for him, it may take a long time to get over.
Don't forget. He forgave the first outburst. It was only when you repeated it, that he got worried.
That doesn't mean he fell out of love with you. He didn't just fall out of love with the ex after a couple of her outbursts either. It just means that "once bitten, twice shy". He's backing off, to see what you will do. Right now, he has 2 ways of viewing things:
1) "The Insane Player": You just put up a front, and now your guard is coming down, and you are showing your true colours. It normally happens earlier, but some people can keep their guard up for 7 months, and even longer. My best friend's husband told me that his cousin was living with a girl for 2 years, and they discussed everything, including that they both wanted to have kids. So they got married. 2 hours after they got married, she tells him she never wants kids. Complete U-Turn. He then found out a lot of stuff she kept from him till then. They didn't even last the honeymoon. So you could really be crazy, and BPD, and he is repeating his past mistakes, going for another woman just like his ex.
2) "The Person Having a Bad Day": You have been your usual self all along, which we all know is a bit insecure, but most people are. You got very scared and threatened, because he was in contact with the ex, and I'm guessing that since she never had his number, he's never mentioned having contact for the last 3 months. So you got worried that maybe he was going back to the ex, and that was why you were so nasty to him. You said what you most feared would happen.
He doesn't know which one you are. He's going to judge it by your future behaviour. He has no other choice.
If you can show him that you can calm down, and that most of the time in future, you are rational, then he'll think you were having a bad day, because of the ex. Even if you are a bit insecure, or even weepy, that he can probably deal with. It's the anger and rage he fears.
But if you cannot handle your anger, he will see you as the insane player, who put up a front up until now.
You have to get a grip. Try to calm down. Maybe do some relaxation exercises. Try and write out how you feel. Maybe send him a letter to say sorry, and that you're ready to listen when he's ready to call. He'll probably want to explain how he feels, but he may not.
If he wants you to talk, you could just say that you felt threatened that he was getting interested in going back to his ex, because you couldn't understand why he would contact her after so long, but that as long as he explains why he contacted her, and reassures you that he is staying with you, then you will think no more about it.
I do know that I have a really bad time with anger too, especially when it's from someone who I might build a relationship with, because I had a bad time with people close to me who were almost permanently angry and criticising. Most of the time, I just need a hug.
I hope that helps. | |
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| could he have fallen out of love this easily
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:06:13 AM | ^^^^...because only insane women get angry? Not buying it.
It does seem he is manipulating you. If it were me, I'd end it. There are 2 reasons I will drop a man without blinking. If I cant trust him, it's OVER. If he can't respect me, it's OVER. Just about everything else is fixable.
However, I'd like to point out that when you say hurtful things to people, you cant just take them back. Learn this NOW.
I am going thru this with my own sister. Apparently, she felt safe to go off on me, making accusations and judgements. I let her rant, and even tho I was shocked, I told her that I would think about what she said and get back to her with my response. That was over a month ago and I'm still thinking about my response.
Silence is my response. I love my sister, but she has become toxic. I will continue to live in freedom from her manipulations. | |
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