| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:08:56 PM | So, my best friends 21st birthday party is coming up soon (start of May) and although she hasn't yet done the invitations, i know she is going to invite my ex and his new girlfriend.
Last night i spoke to her about this and said that i don't think i will be able to go (as much as i want to) as i wont be able to deal with seeing him and his new girl. A few days ago my ex and i have made it clear that we are NOT friends, and he was actually very rude to me about this. So i am trying my best to not contact him and stay away from him to help myself move on. I think that by going to this party and seeing him, it will set me back and i know i will get upset, depressed and probably cry at the party if i went (which will ruin the night for many others too).
After telling her that i don't think ill be able to go to her party she said that it was a shame and that she was still inviting my ex and his girl because its the "right thing to do" and unfair on him if he doesn't get an invite.
Keep in mind, she doesnt especially like him either...yet he's "still a friend".
So...my question is...do i go to the party and just deal with it, or do i talk to my friend about it again and ask her again not to invite him?
Also, is it rude and selfish of me to ask her again...and if not...how should i ask her so that she respects my needs? | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:11:24 PM | I think it's just as you said, why would you want to stress yourself out by going. Give her a nice gift but decline to go, no need to make yourself miserable. Unless you can get a hot date to go with you, it's not something I would do  | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:14:39 PM | | seems to me she's not much of a friend if she invites your ex and his new girl over you! | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:20:38 PM | | Is she really your friend?What about your feelings?Think if my friend was hurting I would consider your feelings.If asked why I didn't invite well I'd say its to awkward at this point.We are all friends but I think you should consider shes my friend also.Then I'd say invited a bunch of single guys so she can have fun.If your her friend,if she really dont like him,whats the problem.Lose him and get you some more friends.REAL ones this time....One that will stand beside her friend,not her x... | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:26:15 PM | i'd go and as much as it would pain me id put on a happy face and just keep my distance. cause your going to wonder how the party was if u don't go and i'm sure your friends birthday is more important to u than to let him ruin it. i think you would be selling urself short if u didn't go cause i believe ur stronger than u think u are! and u may be able to prove that fact to yourself if u go. the best way to deal with an butt hole is to ignore him. trust me he has feelings too and he does still care even though he has a girlfriend. that's why he has her to make u feel like crap. i'm sure he still thinks about u ALOT! cause he wouldn't put the effort in to be a jerk to you. thats how he shows his pain. really he's just a softy on the inside and his girlfriend is a replacement for u. so go and have a good time. completly ignore him, drink alot (with a DDriver) and just cry on ur way home and all night lol (in private). i've always felt that people (men and woman) take advantage to people when they show emotion in public (besides weddings and funerals). it gives them gratitude and they don't deserve it. cause your better than that. go and have a good time. you will be fine. then don't talk to your friend anymore cause shes not your real friend!   | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:39:58 PM | | Well if she is friends with both you and your ex, then its not inexcusable that she invites him. The decision to go or not is yours. It sounds however that you and your ex have the same circle of friends, and are bound to run into each other from time to time. Depending on where the party is and how many other people are going to be there, do you think you can manage to go and just avoid him. Or take the high road, and know the best revenge is letting him know that this is not bothering you as much as he would like it to. Go get some gorgeous hot guy to go with you. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:38:40 PM | Either way, you're going to have to deal with it. Go and have a good time, it's not about you guys' troubles, it's about your friend's effing 21st birthday. How fair is it to her that you tell her you probably can't go because you're avoiding someone that shouldn't matter anymore?
Um, if someone did that to me, purdy sure they'd be on my sh!tlist in a minute.
This guy sounds like a genuine douche anyway, for him to be rude to you and declare you aren't friends is about the equavelent of a five year old stomping his feet. If he couldn't even be tasteful about it and at least say 'i'm sorry but i don't feel us continuing on as friends is a good idea'.. gah. Don't stoop to his level, be the bigger woman. Besides, you meet people through people, who knows, your fabulous prince charming might show up and be 2387429743298347 times better!! 
Good luck! | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:48:20 PM | I would question where and why my "best friends" loyalty lies.
She tells you that she doesn't especially like him but is inviting him anyway? That's odd...people I know only invite people they like to their parties.
She is choosing him over you and your feelings. Don't go. Move on from the ex and I would consider moving on from your so called "best friend".
(classic example of: With friends like this who needs enemies?) | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:59:13 PM | She is not your best friend, don't go...... treat her with the off hand contempt she is treating you with
Stay friends with the others at the party, and they will all see what a **** she is and they probably know that she is not a good friend to anyway.........
Explain it to everyone else they will understand why you didn't go and the chance are the x wont even turn up anyway.....
Buy yourself somehting nice and dont get her a present, and I am sure if you a plan agreat night out most of the people from the party will go with you and have a great night, in spite of this spitefull ****....
You deserve better and everyone now sees her true colour-evil | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:59:53 PM | no offence but that aint best friends... she would know your pain etc.. yes you need to tell her how you feel. and if she dosent like him much either... then its bs.. pure and simple to put inviting him over her best friends feelings..
different though if she/him are truly close friends as well.
and yer, you would feel abit gutted having to face him/with new gf.. if youve not healed yet.. but
if you stand up...dust yourself off..... and not let it get to you.. it would strengthen you to face it and get through it with dignity.
is there anyway you know a nice guy who could support you as a date for the night?.. so you dont feel so hurt..?
smiles/peace | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 5:22:47 PM | his new girlfriend could be insecure about you and taht is the reason he will not be friends, or he feels guilty becuase he knows your hurt..... and probaly wont go anyway.
Dont worry, they are probably as uncomfortable as you
I being older and way more expereinced with nasty women who play games, would go and have a ball, and I wouldnt take a present, I would spend the spare cash on looking great and make a point of not helping, being me I would manage to be able to find a few people to leave the party early (if not all of them) and head out somewhere and have the best time ever, i wouldnt even tell her when we were leaving, she deserves no courtesy or consideration at all.......
She has ruined her own party and deserves whatever diruption it has created, and then perahps whe will learn to be a better friend and not play such cruel games in the future. I would tell her straight out as I was leaving, I have decided your not my friend have a great night anyway.......
Get it out of your system now, you have been betrayed by both of them, Ihav a feeling your boyfriend wont rub salt in your wounds. You should be strong by then and able to decide either way.
Either way you now know what an evil soul she has and can get her out of your immediate circle.
she is making you sweat over something you want to get over and this will only escalate between now and then
Be strong and get make your decision and decide now, either way you will become a stronger person from it.
this is an examole of a female playing mind games and if you lok bakc over the friendship you may see other examples, she is trouble stay away form her.....
High school is over she just doesnt know it.
I would talk to a few people before the party, chances are she has caused or put a wedge between you and other people and has been doing wrong by you for quite a while, look into it now and get it sorted early befor you make the decision.
I think you will feel much better if you turn up with a new best friend to replace her looking great and having fun then take off early or better still , rock on all night.
Smile smile smile dont mention it again, make yourt decision and dont let her know what it is....... But make sure that night is all about you, she doenst deserve you at all....... | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/5/2008 5:37:23 PM | | If you want to make his and his girl friend and you life missarable go but if you dont want that just tell the friend thank you and that you know where you fit in her book and dont go. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 2:22:04 AM | | Don't go. Miss the party, trust me you'll live. You'll never get over this man if you continue to hang out with the same crowd. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 3:18:53 AM | I would not go ...I would find something better to do like invite another friend to hang out someplace fun and exciting..
Your "friend" chose your ex and his new girl friend as two bodies...the more the better the party will be...but these days there is always DRAMA conjured up and you want to stay as far away from all the DRAMA as you can...
A new insight for you....I don't think his NEW GIRL FRIEND is going to be a long term thing anyway...he sounds like he is still young and full of shi^ anyway.. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 3:39:34 AM | Thanks for all your replies, they have been very helpful. I think i will have to have another talk to her again soon and see what happens.
Just to point it out though...my ex said he's happy to be friends with me...and it was me that said no i don't think we can be friends because all you do is hurt me. After this he was rude to me. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:25:29 AM | | Find another girlfriend to take as your "date" to the party...you'll have more fun than trying to find a male date to compete with the ex, or than trying to feel comfortable going solo. If the party turns out to be stressful or a drag, you & the other girl can go to a different place and have fun there. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:38:32 AM | Tig, don't bother to ask her again. If this was six months down the road when your wounds had had some time to heal, her stance on this, given she doesn't really like the guy would make sense. And the 21st birthday thing is not such a big deal, trust me, mine was totally overlooked by everyone on the planet.
She is your best friend and quite frankly if this is not the first thing she has done to disregard your feelings I might be rethinking that relationship. To me best friend is like a sister, someone that I can ALWAYS count on and whom I love like a blood relative. You may in time be able to be friends of sorts with your X but sometimes things just hurt too much to be able to do that soon after a break-up. Your choice when and how that situation plays out and now is not the time to stress it.
It is her birthday so if she believes that "doing the right thing" is more important than having you at the party, that is her prerogative but you can celebrate her birthday privately with her later and spare your own feelings, which is really what she should be trying to do.
Look at it like this. I have a friend, his whole family is like extended family to me. He had a midlife crisis, and his parents informed him that his X would always be family and would continue to come to family gatherings with the children, and the girlfriends were not welcome. It was a couple of years later that the x-wife talked to the in-laws and said, this is not going to hurt me. The women he dated were not allowed around the kids until the couple agreed it was time, and after that, she had no problem being around a girlfriend.
That is the way your friend should look at this and I find it odd she seems to feel it is more important to spare someone's feelings that is supposedly inconsequential in her life than yours. Sorry for the double whammy in the hurt department. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:41:12 AM | If your x is a close friend of your best friend she should not be asked to not invite him.
She said "it's the right thing to do". What did she mean with that? Is he or is he not a close friend of hers?
If he is not, she really ought to consider not inviting him if it means you won't go.
If she and he are not seeing each other at any other time, why is he at all on the guest list? You are the best friend, you should be her priority.
If they are friends, then all you can do is decide if you want to go or not. If you think you can't handle it, stay at home. If you go and get upset you will ruin your friends party and you will probably not feel very good about yourself either. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:44:59 AM | Go. Simply because it's your friends 21st birthday, and by not going would reveal to him as if he ruined your heart and a chance to have a good time. Party on | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:03:31 AM | "Um, if someone did that to me, purdy sure they'd be on my sh!tlist in a minute."
If you can't forgive your friends for being emotional, you deserve to have very few friends...but will have a freakin' long sh'tlist.
Deciding not to go to a party for a good reason--i.e., you know it will upset you--is legitimate. Your friend will be hurt/annoyed/whatever; that's to be expected. All you can do in this case is apologise, but certainly don't ask her to uninvite other people for your sake, even if she supposedly doesn't like them (if she didn't, why would she invite them at all? Just assume they are friends she wants to keep, and she says otherwise to spare your feelings and keep YOUR friendship).
Anyone saying "oh, get over yourself" is being callous. We've all been in hurtful situation(s) before, therefore we should all remember to be charitable to someone who is sorting out their own hurt. Belittling the person for having emotional capacity is cruel and pointless. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:35:33 AM | I don't think you have a right to tell your friend who to invite. Its her party and she should not be put in the middle. However you do have the right to tell her how you feel and that you can't become to the party because of the reasons you just stated. If she still wants to invite him, then he might be a better friend to her than you think. That doesn't make her not your friend, she might not want to be in the middle of it and figures you all should work it out on your own with out interrupting her life.
I would suggest just not going to her party and find something fun to do, to keep your mind busy.
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:45:05 AM | Honestly? Unless there were a lot of people there I wanted to see I wouldn't go. I'd maybe show up in the morning and help her with preparations so she knew I wished her well and head out before he got there.
She's in a bit of a bad position if he's a friend, it's too bad that he couldn't just come later or not at all.
Where she claims to be your "best" friend though, and if you are truly close, then I would expect her to step up and tell him "Look, she's like my sister. I don't want to offend you and you are a valuable friend to me, but I can't have you bring another girl to the party and rub it in her face. You know she can't handle it and I need my best friend at my party."
Is there any way you can find out for sure if he's going to go? Maybe she could ask him and tell him the reason for asking? You could also always go early and if he shows up, have other plans ready? Can you handle taking a date of your own and planning like a movie afterwards or something?
It sounds like seeing him will just be too much for you, so "just dealing with it" doesn't seem to be an option.
That really sucks, I know you obviously want to be there.
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:00:17 AM | | I would not go & would definitely plan on going out w/ another friend that night. THEN, if you want to celebrate your friend's 21st (as it is a real milestone), ask her out to lunch or dinner. Just the 2 of you & you can celebrate when & where you choose. I have done this before & it is a win-win situation. Just a suggestion. Good luck!! | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:20:35 AM | Get you a hot date and go have fun...
You shouldn't let the past dictate the future..
Living in the past is not going to make you feel better.
Find yourself a sexy guy and have all the fun that you can stand.
Let the guy know right from the start that all you want is to have enough fun to take some of the pain from the past away.
Maybe your new friend and you will hit it off so good that you both decide to be a couple... Who knows what the future will bring?
Above all ,HAVE FUN.!! Starting TODAY.. | |
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| To go or not to go?
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:23:53 AM | Message: So, my best friends 21st birthday party is coming up soon (start of May) and although she hasn't yet done the invitations, i know she is going to invite my ex and his new girlfriend.
Last night i spoke to her about this and said that i don't think i will be able to go (as much as i want to) as i wont be able to deal with seeing him and his new girl. A few days ago my ex and i have made it clear that we are NOT friends, and he was actually very rude to me about this. So i am trying my best to not contact him and stay away from him to help myself move on. I think that by going to this party and seeing him, it will set me back and i know i will get upset, depressed and probably cry at the party if i went (which will ruin the night for many others too).
After telling her that i don't think ill be able to go to her party she said that it was a shame and that she was still inviting my ex and his girl because its the "right thing to do" and unfair on him if he doesn't get an invite.
Keep in mind, she doesnt especially like him either...yet he's "still a friend".
So...my question is...do i go to the party and just deal with it, or do i talk to my friend about it again and ask her again not to invite him?
Also, is it rude and selfish of me to ask her again...and if not...how should i ask her so that she respects
What a sweetly human dilemma!
The trouble is you will likely be miserable if you stay home too! This circumstance is an opportunity to work on your emotional body.
At 21, I suspect there will be a jillion more loves for you. So, if you can master your emotions on this one...every one thereafter will be soooo much easier.
And by May, you might even have that hot date to accompany you, and your ex will just be no sweat history.
So soak yourself in soothing energy and soothe the emotions of hurt & loss asap.
And go to your best friends party like the goddess that you are...
His loss.... javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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