| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 5:39:54 AM | following a "love gone wrong" situation outside of POF, i asked my buddy's girlfriend about my circumstances. This was her answer: QUIT LOOKING SO HARD! The perfect girl will pop into your life when you least expect it, and if your looking that won't happen. Just have fun, do your own thing.
Was puzzled by her comments as the "love gone wrong" situation actually came to me rather than the reverse, but that's not what i'm questioning in this post. What i'm questioning is the next sentence she wrote which said "The perfect girl will pop into your life when you least expect it, and if your looking that won't happen". To me, that makes about as much sense as this sentence: "When you're in the exam, the answers will just come to you and you'll get 100%, whereas if you study, you'll bomb out". See my dilemma?
What is everyone else's take on the "watched pot never boils" theory? agree, disagree, or can expand on the metaphor for me? | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 5:44:57 AM | Ive NEVER been a believer of that theory -- that you'll meet someone when you least expect it....NEVER!! Well meaning friends(who are happily ensconsed in relationships say this the most,LOL !)
In the normal course of my life,i dont meet decent,eligible,gorgeous,single guys in their 40's....They dont cross my path or knock on my front door !!
Sooooooo............you have to put yourself "out there",both in The Real World, & of course,here..........  | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 6:53:47 AM | I agree, with both theories.
Yes, you have to 'put yourself out there', but not with the sole purpose of landing your fishie.
You need to live your life for you.
Do what you enjoy.
Pursue activities that not only interest you but also bring some sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.
You will be more relaxed, learn new things, possibly relieve boredom and hopefully bring a new level of enthusiasm to another aspect of your life.
As well, you will be refocusing your energies away from a preoccupation with the hunt and capture of a mate.
I believe what your buddies girl friend meant was not to make it the be all, end all focus of your existence.
If you are out and about, always scouting for the next fish, checking the ring finger of every potential female you encounter, you will find yourself feeling empty, lonely and perpetually disappointed.
Your best match will likely be found in a shared area of interest. This will initially give you a common ground; a foundation to build on.
All the best in your search.  | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:57:07 AM | I agree with your friend.
Basically the harder you look for someone, the more you focus on the result and the less you enjoy the process...sometimes you can overthink, or look too hard for one thing while missing a lot of other things. Not looking and sitting back and taking in all things as discovery is just better for you.
Expectation is the mother of dissapointment. No expectations can produce no frustration, and it can give you a sense of going with the flow that you won't have if you actively "look" for someone. People who look tend to get upset when things don't happen fast enough or in the right way, instead of just living in the moment and just "being". If you're happy regardless of being with someone or not, you'll compromise yourself less, because you're not so worried about finding someone that you overlook things that are important to you should a relationship materialize.
Also, vibes are underestimated in people. I know from experience that positive, laid back, content people attract the same. People who are on the hunt or who are intensely trying to produce a result however have a whole different vibe than people who are just hanging back, enjoying the scenery and genuinely talking to others and learning about them with no agenda or specific goal. You want to put everyone around you at ease socially, not make them wonder what you're after.
Example: some of my friends ask me why they get hit on more when they have boyfriends, and that's why - a lot of women feel complete when they're in relationships. And when they are, instead of throwing a vibe that they're looking to be completed, they throw a vibe that they're content. People respond to that. I think most people may want to attend a party, as long as they don't have to throw the party, if you will.
To me, that makes about as much sense as this sentence: "When you're in the exam, the answers will just come to you and you'll get 100%, whereas if you study, you'll bomb out". See my dilemma?
It's good to know who you are and what works for you in life and in relationships, but you can't apply what you know to a blank slate. Someone has to come along first...as long as you know yourself and you're able to go with the flow and be clear about what your intentions are and what you're capable of at that point, that's all you need.
Dating and taking a test are two different things. | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:15:46 AM | Darn uglybetty, I tried to message you and I'm too old.
THAT is a phenomenal posting. 
You've summed it all up so accurately.
Bravo !!!  | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:24:57 AM | If you are vehemently searching then that becomes your main focus. It is almost like you emit 'desperate' vibes. Living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment is a positive focus.
My approach is pretty simple. If I meet someone, we have a great conversation and he interests me, I will ask for his number (or give him mine). I found, in the past, I had those 'what if' moments. Now it is important to focus on those brief moments of interest and expand on that. I won't let an opportunity pass me by and then have regrets later. | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:37:51 AM | ^^^Why thank you Malley - sorry for the restriction, too many in my area over 45 sending e-mails that have romantic intentions despite my preferences, so I had to put a cap on em.
I looked back after I posted and I have to commend you on what you wrote also, it's exactly what I was trying to get at.
Be out there, be social, meet people and just let chips fall where they may. Obviously never leaving the house doesn't work, but who'd want to do that anyway? Being a social person in and of itself usually does the trick if you just enjoy it...and stay open to more without making it an agenda.
It's a hard theory to practice, but it does work well once you master it.
I have talked to musicians about this type of theory, local and big time - same concept. I found that for the ones who just love what they do and don't care what happens - life is better. If they never make it big, they don't care - and to them success isn't fame or fortune, it's being able to just enjoy what they do. Ironically, those are the musicians that enjoy the most consistent success.
The ones that are after the fame or money tend to stray off what works for them and ultimately lose sight of what they're actually doing to get it, and it puts an abrupt end to their careers, and they never seem to realize it CAN end, so they never prepare, and it devastates them (emotionally/financially)...seen it a million times. | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:44:48 AM |
too many in my area over 45 sending e-mails that have romantic intentions
HHmm ... I think I may have to take a trip or relocate !!! 
I found that for the ones who just love what they do and don't care what happens - life is better. If they never make it big, they don't care - and to them success isn't fame or fortune, it's being able to just enjoy what they do. Ironically, those are the musicians that enjoy the most consistent success.
The ones that are after the fame or money tend to stray off what works for them and ultimately lose sight of what they're actually doing to get it, and it puts an abrupt end to their careers,
What a GREAT analogy !!! The difference being that in the first instance they are strictly following their hearts and what feels right and makes sense. The second may have started out with that intent, but ended up following what others(managers/agents) suggested in order to make it big ; to appeal to the larger masses. In the process, they lost their passion, and that specialness about themselves.
This is also so true of relationships. A browse of the forums proves this quite quickly.'What do the opposite expect/demand of us ???' 'Why didn't this work ???' 'Why did she/he break my heart ???' 'What's wrong with me ???'
If people were true to who they are, the rest would fall into place. Stop trying to impress other with a veneer of perconceived societal driven notions of what is expected. That thin outer coating gives way to the true you, sooner or later. This leaves the other half of the couple wondering what happened to the person they originally met.
So OP, my point, that has obviously taken the scenic route, is to indeed quit trying and to be yourself. My implication is not that you aren't, but in general, some are just trying too hard. If you focus your search inward, it will be displayed outwardly and all will happen naturally, as it is meant to. | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 11:43:03 AM | I think there's truth in the theory, but it has what may be down side. A female friend of mine and I were talking about our "single-ness" and came to the conclussion that living your life, doing what you need to do for yourself, is the best approach. However we both feel that there are things about being single that niether of us are sure we would want to give up at this point. You are responsible to and for youself. You have conformed your living space to your own tastes. You got the grocerie shopping down pat. Your schedule is built around your life style. And the older we get the more comfortable we are with that.BUT if you are involved in activities becuse you want to be and not for the purpose of meeting The One, you are more likely to meet some one whos life will mesh with your own with minimal alteration. | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 12:08:43 PM | well, if you don't put yourself "out there" it will be harder to be found, for sure... but i do agree. if you are trying too hard it won't happen because you aren't ready. just my opinion. i know nothing. :)
read "the missing piece meets the big o" | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 6:34:30 PM | One day at work I was discussing this with a couple of co-workers. One of the girls was conflicted about "do i put myself out there" or "do i stay at home and pursue my interests and not even think about dating". I was for the side of putting oneself out there. One of the other women was strongly opposed to that and said the girl should not actively search, just stay home and wait for God to bring someone into her life. So I, to prove my point, challenge her, "Oh, yeah, and how did you meet your husband?" And she said, i was at home one day and a friend came over and brought him with her.
Well, anyway, I gotta go alphabetize my spice cabinet. Good luck. | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:14:16 PM |
One of the girls was conflicted about "do i put myself out there" or "do i stay at home and pursue my interests and not even think about dating". I was for the side of putting oneself out there. One of the other women was strongly opposed to that and said the girl should not actively search, just stay home and wait for God to bring someone into her life.
I notice people seem to think in extremes, but I think it's a combination of both, or a healthy moderation/balance. Put yourself out there and also pursue her interests and don't consciously think or worry about dating. It'll happen on it's own. Being out there pretty much takes care of the rest... | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/6/2008 11:18:10 PM | | Ya I think you should just sit and wait, myself I'm sure Alysa Milano will be knocking on my door any day now. Come on, if your looking for someone you have to actively seek, get out there, take your chances. You may just bump into them when your out and about on your search. | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/7/2008 5:29:23 AM |
You need to live your life for you.
Do what you enjoy.
Pursue activities that not only interest you but also bring some sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.
You will be more relaxed, learn new things, possibly relieve boredom and hopefully bring a new level of enthusiasm to another aspect of your life.
As well, you will be refocusing your energies away from a preoccupation with the hunt and capture of a mate.
I've been doing that for the last 2 years. Unfortunately video games and internet forums don't lead to me meeting many women.  | |
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| watched pot never boils theory.
Posted: 3/7/2008 7:41:35 AM | This whole "you'll find love when your not looking for it" theory is sketchy if you ask me.
Of course people ares sometime going to meet someone when they weren't actively seeking it out. When that happens, they notice it more because it seems odd to have happened that way.
However, how that compares to the number of times people find love when they are actually looking for it is what really matters to validate this theory.
It just just doesn't sound so serendipitous and romantic when someone says "I was actively searching for love and I found it." So, instead you'll hear people relating tales of unexpectedly finding a partner when they least expected it and weren't actively searching for it. But, I'm not so sure I would use that as a guide for finding a mate.
Every so often a great job will fall into your lap without you doing anything to make it happen, but at the end of the day, nothing beats being proactive in getting what you want. | |
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