| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 7:32:43 PM | I was raised to never consider divorce as you'd go straight to  . My wife was very emotionally and verbally abusive. This began as soon as we had a baby. After 10 years of putting up with it and trying to get her to seek counseling I gave up. Terribly enough I never even considered divorce as an option. Finally I confronted her an told her it would quit "or else". I told her cheating was abuse and so were all the other actions she engaged in and I wouldn't take it anymore. She haughtily replied "or else what?" I was so angry I puncher really hard and told her two could play the abuse game and it would stop. Period. My abuse stopped but she would not quit playing the "innocent victim" and rather than more abuse I finally broke down and filed for divorce.
NOBODY should have to live in an abusive marriage, but it is to my shame and self contempt that I should have just walked out but was too ashamed to do it. It is now 10 years after the divorce and I would like to date. My friends say don't tell about it; and when they meet you, get to know you it'll be ok. This is way too serious to just spring on a woman but so is lying or decieving about it.
I chatted through pof with a lady who thinks I'm not a "real" man. I think I AM a real man. I don't lie, I say what I mean and mean what I say. Do y'all think I'm evil for what I have done and should I not date. Please post responses and know that even if I am told to leave I won't hate anyone. Thanks | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 7:48:32 PM | WHOA DUDE
never tell anyone this ever.
every woman is about to bash you and call you abusive and a p*ssy and that your dangerous and you should go die in a fire.
and maybe you are, idk.
but i also understand about acting desperately when youre at your wits end. that was a very very bad thing to do, man.
but one incident doesnt define you as a person. we all make huge mistake and have secrets that we will take to the grave, including the women who are about to verbally bash you. move on
but yeah, no one needs to know. just never do this again. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 7:59:41 PM | Too late women who are on here have seen this post and most will probably not give you a chance after reading this, but some will depending on who you meet. I too was in an abusive relationsihp, mostly verbal. So I know how you feel, but I never dared talk about. The best thing you could have done was leave and not fight back. I know you probably stuck it out longer for your kids sake, but I believe that is wrong and that it takes both parties to make it work and not just one goes for counselling.
I hope you find what your looking for
happy 
ps get ready for all the critics on here which will be mostly women  | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:01:01 PM | I don't see anything to reveal. You were married, she screamed and yelled and became violent and you were taught not to hit woman--that is a correct assumption, isn't it? She bated you and you hit her.
Have you been to anger managment classes? Are you sure it won't happen again?
Thousands of other people on here have lived your life. If the baggage is gone, move on and dive in the pond. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:06:53 PM | You aren't evil, you are human. Perhaps hitting her wasn't the best thing to do, but under the circumstances I can understand why you did it.
It has been 10 years, it is time for you to forgive yourself. I wouldn't tell someone I just meant about this or anything about my past. I think it is best to get to know someone first, then tell them more and more about yourself as time goes by. Let them see the real you first.
I don't think it makes you less of a man because you tried to make your marriage work. If anything it makes you more of a man.
Regardless of what you do in life, someone will hit you with those words. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:10:00 PM |
NOBODY should have to live in an abusive marriage, but it is to my shame and self contempt that I should have just walked out but was too ashamed to do it
Your experience is more common than you may think and more women will be understanding of the experience than you may realize. However, your guilt and shame will pollute any new relationship. Get some healing from that. I can recommend the book Forgive For Good. You have to read through all the forgiving others to get to the chapter about forgiving yourself.
I can say it, but I doubt you are ready to hear it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did the best you could at the time within your belief system of the time. You did finally wise up and realize that it was not all within your control and leave. Welcome to the human race. We've all had our times.
Gandi | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:23:03 PM | | So you punched her? Whatever happened to just walking away...leaving the situation. It takes two...people can always change, that is something I firmly believe. Where you are today is not where you were yesterday. If you meet a lady you end up falling in love with, just wait for the right time to reveal it if you feel that is something you should do. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:40:23 PM | I can understand being to the point of no return OP and while I don't condone any type of abuse I'm certain punching her did feel warranted after the abuse you took for far too long.
I think it is best to leave such misery out of any and all conversations with future dates. Allow yourself to forget/forgive what you did. Obviously you are not proud of what occurred, but you need to move on without feeling guilt.
One can only be forced to deal with abuse so long. I feel it's the wise person that leaves the toxic person behind.
If you have violent tendencies frequently that is another topic altogether. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:54:19 PM | I was raised to never consider divorce as you'd go straight to. My wife was very emotionally and verbally abusive. This began as soon as we had a baby.
Possibly due in part, to postpartum depression and the additional demands of motherhood.
After 10 years of putting up with it and trying to get her to seek counseling I gave up.
I'm curious as to whether you considered professional counseling for yourself as well, or at any time during this 10 year period receive counseling for any reason ... and if so, for what?
Terribly enough I never even considered divorce as an option.
That leaves you with no way out ... and might account for some addition stress.
Finally I confronted her an told her it would quit "or else". I told her cheating was abuse and so were all the other actions she engaged in and I wouldn't take it anymore. She haughtily replied "or else what?" I was so angry I puncher really hard and told her two could play the abuse game and it would stop. Period.
Sounds like you were looking for a fight
My abuse stopped but she would not quit playing the "innocent victim" and rather than more abuse I finally broke down and filed for divorce.
You have me wondering now if what you meant by "your abuse" was an isolated incident? ... Or, a reoccurring theme?
Chance you could enlighten us on any of these points?
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:19:55 PM | Thanks for asking eric. Well here goes.
For 11 solid years???
Yes, I was advised to get a divorce. That means give up kids, property, and future. I would have died before giving her the kids. But the women usually get young children.
Strangely enough conseling did seem to help at times and I would feel that maybe this time I could "get it right". But I never did.
I only hit her once. I had just walked in on her and her bf in the kitchen. He was in trouble and she defended him. She was screaming at me that I killed him. I didn't but that is when I confronted her and I was already in a fight not just looking.
I never hit her again. For the next 2 and a half years I had my room and she had hers.
I started noticing bad behavior in our 2 boys and went to conseling again. I found out she had been making the older one read stories of fathers killing their kids to his little brother. The next day I filed for divorce. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:28:10 PM | I know where you're coming from Bud. I was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years, but I couldn't bring myself to end it. I come from a divorced family and vowed to myself at a young age I would never do the same, so I waited until I was almost 29 before I got married. Thought I had found the woman of my dreams and, for the first 10 years, it was just that. The abuse started about two years ago, after she started to work outside the home and continued to grow from that point. It was not physical, just emotional and verbal. Man that makes it sound so minor. Catching her cheating was was the last straw. Once trust is gone, there is nothing left worth fighting for. I have extremely strong beliefs when it come to infidelity. No second chances, ever! I would have liked to drive her one, but I took my anger out on a wall instead. I was raised that you never hit a woman, no matter what. Good thing I used to be a drywaller at one point. hahaha I wish she would have been physical, bruises heal a lot faster than the heart.
I don't agree with you actions, but I do understand. You seem to be taking responsibility for your mistake and have learned from it if I am reading correctly. A one time occurrence does not make you an abuser. Your still a real man no matter what some gal says. Your human and you made a mistake, learn to live with it but never repeat it. As for telling the women you date, all in due time. No point in destroying any chance of getting to know a woman by admitting that one up front. In today's world it's a big no no. I know some women would disagree with me on this one, but they need to put themselves in your shoes. A difficult thing to do for most when it comes to this situation. Time to quit beating yourself up over it and get on with life. Just be more careful about the women you become involved with. There are a few good ones out there, just more difficult to find. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:32:23 PM |
I chatted through pof with a lady who thinks I'm not a "real" man. I think I AM a real man. I don't lie, I say what I mean and mean what I say.
What's that all about? Did you tell this lady that you hit a woman once? Please give more info.
I think that you will have to tell, simply for the fact that it is eating you. When? Not too soon. Are you sure that you wouldn't do it again? Like it's not how you deal with frustration? If not, view it as a mistake that will not be repeated and forgive yourself. If it makes you feel any better, I hit my boyfriend once, as hard as I could muster. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:39:00 PM | Dude, NEVER tell anyone this crap. That was then, this is now.
What i want to know is why you waited 10 years to decide to date?
Yes, Divorce sucks. But it happens.
You should delete this whole post if you can.
And rewrite your profile in a more upbeat way.
MOVE on from crap that happened eons ago. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:40:24 PM | | Certain people can bring out the worst in you -- sometimes no matter what a good life you try to lead these people are relentless.. I too was in an abusive (verbally/mentally) (those go hand in hand) marriage. And I can honestly contest to the fact that this man just brought out the worst in me.. You try hard -- but end up arguing to the point of no return. You get so wrapped in it all that you don't see when its time to give up. The people that verbally abuse, most often are masters of manipulation -- when you love someone -- you just can't see this. Anyway -- don't go into this "junk" with someone new .. and thats that. You can be honest to a point and be vague at the same time.. Later, when you have been together and trust eachother -- you go into detail.... | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:41:27 PM | Yes I agree
" Anger Management classes are a joke."
for my ex, goes in one ear and comes out the other <img src=ht
"Possibly due in part, to postpartum depression and the additional demands of motherhood."
I had postpartum depression after my son was born and I was not abusive,
what a stupid thing to say. Not all women who have this depression are abusive, I knew I had it and seeked help.
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:49:49 PM | When people are tortured they do things that are not within their control, not what they want to do and not a reflection of who they are. This is why torture exists, to get people to betray their most dearly held values. Abuse over a long term is a form of torture. You were emotionally abused and that does things to a person. Personally, I would not blame you for your actiion any more than I would blame the physically abused woman who finally retaliates against her abuser and accidentally kills him. You were not in control of yourself. We can all be made to lose control. With you, it took years of abuse before you lost control - and you are ashamed of what you did and would not be pushed into such behaviour again because of your strength of feeling about it.
I hope you will meet a woman who sees you beyond what you did when you were tormented beyond reason and through her forgiveness you become able to forgive yourself. I would have no qualms in forgiving the action described in the OP. I do not see any evil other than that evil that indoctrinated you with false beliefs regarding firstly, the "sin" of divorce and secondly the idea that you could be evil.
People often hold back secrets for which they judge themselves harshly and have false beliefs about themselves. Mt special someone believes he had skeletons in his closet, but when we examined them in the light of day, through sharing them, they fell to dust. I haven't read the other responses but I hope that your choice to be open on this forum is your first step towards reducing this "skeleton" to dust. I do think that you should confess it quite early on, so that you can rest assured in your own mind that she knows and that it need not prey upon your mind that she may feel differently about you if she knew. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 10:31:18 PM | | Your past is yours and you only have to tell what you want of it. By the same right, her past belongs to her as well. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 11:40:43 PM | Thank you EruditeRedneck;
I can certainly understand the anger and outrage you must have felt after walking in on them like that.
I think most men, if put in the same situation, would be hard pressed not to communicate a good ass kicking towards the dude at least. It's hard to say what I would do to the wife (if anything), as I have not been in that exact situation before.
I think the fact that you once hit your wife is almost a footnote to the pain of your tumultuous 11 year relationship.
So back to the question at large;
Do I think your evil?
No ... but I'll be honest with you. There's two sides to this story and scant detail to go on, so I can't draw a conclusion based solely on the words of one person.
Frankly, if it were me, I wouldn't even bother mentioning it to the ladies here and avoid the whole scenario of having a one time event misinterpreted by someone who wasn't even there. I just don't see any point in risking your reputation and possibly being labeled a career wife beater when you know your not one.
Wish you luck though.
PS.
Kids can be pretty resilient and they see with both eye's ... it is my hope that in time (if they are not yet already grown) with your continued contact, love and commitment to them ... your boys will have emerged from this relatively unscathed. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 11:47:44 PM |
I was raised to never consider divorce as you'd go straight to
One again, Christianity is making the world a better place. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 11:55:38 PM | i would never divuldge my past immediately, if at all...it depends on the trust factor with me...if i feel safe with someone...and have reached a good friend status, i am more liable to share about myself, if i feel like it...but i never expect anyone to share anything they don't want to...i don't need to know unless he feels like sharing....private things will reveal themselves naturally if they are meant to...
rose. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/9/2008 12:20:49 AM | | Theres a big difference between a slap and a punch --closed knuckles not good.Iam no angel did slap a girl once for she thought it was funny to drive drunk with my son in the back seat---go figure | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/9/2008 12:21:24 AM | In my opinion, timing and delivery are key. I hope that you listen to what I have to say despite my young age and relatively little inexperience.
I say that you probably should tell her, but that's because I believe that honesty is key in any relationship, be it between friends, colleagues, or lovers. You just need to make sure that you don't drop the bombshell too early; let them get to know you as a person and that you really are a nice guy. But by all means, don't let it get to the point where you are emotionally dependant on the person before you tell them. There's always the chance that they'll walk away and be unable to accept the fact. Who knows, they might have had a time in their life when they were in your wife's situation. But if it's something that they can't deal with, than you're probably better off without them. I mean, you can't change your past. Just make sure that you show them that you aren't that person any more, and explain all of the circumstances that led to this happening, including your state of mind.
Here's an example of how I screwed up in my own past, because I come from a weird world where people only give advice based in relations to themselves:
I once had a guy, first guy that I had ever been interested in who liked me back. I have had a history of depression and possible bipolar disorder (possible 'cause I hate shrinks... not very helpful, I know.) Anyways, I used to start panicking about things and thinking that there was no way out, and to get out of those situations I would self-inflict. This boy that I was with was the second boy I had ever kissed in my life, and a helluva lot more experienced than myself. That first night that he told me that he felt the same way about me, we ended up going way farther than I was comfortable with, but I let him because I cared for him so much and wanted so much to simply be accepted by someone. Anyways, we ended up having a "thing" for about two weeks, where we would act normal in front of all of our friends and then go off to the bedroom and be an item, him treating me like a princess when we were alone. I ended up telling him my history of self-infliction one day, and he got really quiet. I had also been going through some major identity issues, and so I went on a sabbatical of sorts, driving away from campus and down to a river in my hometown to try and find myself. Long story not so very short, I came back with a new approach to our "relationship" and went to meet him. He dumped me at this meeting, claiming that I was too ****ing psychotic and reminded him of his mother.
...I don't know. It's not nearly as severe or devastating as yours, and I don't try and make it out to be. I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. It's just an example of how dropping proverbial bombshells is an art that must be honed, oftentimes through painful experiences. I have had many startings to relationships since then, and I'm always rather upfront about my past. Not as big a bombshell as yours, but hey.
Hope I've been of some help through my babbling, and I also hope that my general message got across... Tell her, but do so tactfully. | |
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| When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/9/2008 12:25:05 AM | Me:
Possibly due in part, to postpartum depression and the additional demands of motherhood."
Ontario female:
I had postpartum depression after my son was born and I was not abusive,
what a stupid thing to say.
Oh? ... your being abusive towards me right now.
kinda ironic ... ain't it
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