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 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 1
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Reading the forum postings at the national level I am amazed at the number of threads people post asking for advice about men and women that cheat. How is it that some people seem to make the same mistake over and over again. The same exact mistake. So the questions is when a partner betrays us in some way do we fall into the same trap and make the same mistake all over again or do we learn from the mistake and move on? Or do we just go out and make some new mistake yet again find ourselves asking why is it that they always take advantage of me?
 gpb1953
Joined: 10/16/2006
Msg: 2
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/10/2008 7:23:58 PM
Climbsagain,

Man I sure hope so because I've made more than my share of dating mistakes. The way it's going either things will improve or I'll have enough material to write a book!

Gary
 John4EverYours
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 3
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/10/2008 10:39:11 PM
Yea,
Don't choose someone that require long distance travel time ~ it just don't work out... I still hurt from my last dating experience because distance tore B and I apart!!!
 ~kasie~
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 4
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 4:18:24 AM
In my opinion dating and mistakes go hand in hand. No matter a long term relationship or short term, we learn about people as we date them. There is no way in the world that you can get to know someone intimately enough to know if they are cheaters or anything else for that matter. There are many that have formed "walls" so to speak in order to keep from getting in a position where they will get hurt again. We don't want to "fall into that same trap" its just human nature, however, once we let our walls down and move on we will once again either watch those mistakes take place again or we won't.


find ourselves asking why is it that they always take advantage of me?
The only way anyone can take advantage of another is if we LET THEM! I personally let that happen for almost five years in my last relationship, "hence" the walls, but I have faith that eventually the right one will come along and the walls will come tumbling down and the mistakes will continue for a life time as we are not perfect. JMO
 John4EverYours
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 5
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 7:08:21 AM
I agree, but we have to be careful not to build too much of a wall. Because, if we build a wall and not take a chance because of things in the past, we may be passing on the one person that would be the one for us. How do we really know for sure? Guess we take that chance cause we don't want to pass true love up ~ at least I don't want too! Good luck to all~
 countrytat
Joined: 2/1/2006
Msg: 6
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 7:14:53 AM
I think some people learn from their mistakes, but the people that get cheated on over and over DO NOT learn from them... that is a choise that they make... AND cheating is not really a mistake, its a CHOICE that the cheater has made......

I myself have learned from my mistakes... if someone lies to me just ONCE im done.....and cheating.... they are def gone..... i am worth more than that and deserve better than some lying cheating snake.....
 tmvg76
Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 7
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 10:05:59 AM
John...sorry to head about you and B...she was a lovely person and you two were so cute together....and if she's that important MOVE to her...take care....tina
If I found someone I'd move in a heartbeat...hopefully it'd be out west or down south, someplace warm...lol
 SolarSpark
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 8
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Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 11:10:38 AM
Why is it "MY" mistake if my partner chooses to cheat?? The cheater in my life got the boot and got no second chance. So I choose to move on.....but, there is always some risk of being emotionally hurt in every relationship. And if I choose to play it safe then I end up as "the old woman in the shoe with 19 cats". So, there's always that risk of the next partner cheating on me again. Will I ever trust anyone?? Not sure? I hope so, but its hard to give someone your trust when you've been burned by someone you totally trust. Thats the learning curve I guess. Maybe those that have trouble learning that lesson, are better at taking the risk...and at least may have a shot of being blissfully happy in love. Those of us that remember that painful lesson all too well, may never let their gaurd down for a chance at happiness. Just my 2 cents....
 fiftiesforever
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 9
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 11:29:04 AM
You hit the nail on the head exactly. I might add that sometimes it is like two adjacent houses wherein each owner has built a barrier of some sort keeping out his neighbor. As time goes on the space between the fences/walls can fill up with garbage, garbage that both claim belongs to the other and neither is willing to remove it. Though meant to keep good things in and bad things out they can become the opposite, keeping in the bad an not allowing us to see the good of the other.
 Davesgottaride
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 10
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 2:07:50 PM
You have it exactly right! I feel as if someone decides how they want to be treated. And if for some reason they make a choice of whether to stay with a person who lies and cheats, or to respect themselves enough to go find someone who won't. You don't make a person choose to cheat or lie but you do choose to let that person continue to it to you. I have definately learned from my dating mistakes and don't want to make them again. I may make some new ones in the future (try not to) but I will not make the same old ones over again! Just my thoughts for today, for what its worth.
 BlondeBlueEyedGirl
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 11
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/11/2008 3:53:49 PM
Climbsagain...As we all know Most of the people on these single sights all say the same thing..Why is it so hard to get anyone out to meet each other?..Or why is it so hard to find someone?..Well I do believe that MOST have learned from their mistakes but not without building a fortress around themselves.
But I am sure there are still a few lonely souls that will accept less than they deserve just to be with someone...
 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 12
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/12/2008 5:54:51 PM
The walls we build to protect our selves may serve to keep us safe. Strong walls are safe. By why? If we have learned from our mistakes why would we feel the need to block out life? Are we fearful that we will make the same mistakes again?
 ~BlondeHazel42~
Joined: 6/18/2007
Msg: 13
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/14/2008 10:32:37 AM
I use to have walls but about a year ago I took them down. I have learned alot in life and if you keep up those walls then you'll just lose out on some good things that just pass you by. We all have a brain so why not use it... in todays world if I get played it's because I want to... I am a people watcher and I see what goes on around me so if I date a guy whom I've seen play women time and time again then it's my own fault and not really his. I see alot of women on here go after what I call players and some of these women know these guys and have seen them in action. I guess some women think they can change those men. Well guess what it dont work that way folks....

Just my 2 cents worth...
 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 14
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/20/2008 3:31:34 AM
After much internal debate about learning from my dating mistakes I have come to the conclusion that I have learned from my dating mistakes. That is why I have stopped dating. What a relief. Why suffer with dating. Just say no to dating.
 ~kasie~
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 15
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:15:20 AM

But I am sure there are still a few lonely souls that will accept less than they deserve just to be with someone...


I REFUSE to be one of those people and have seen too many already...my walls are not fort knox but they are safe (for the moment)I do date and will continue to do so but WILL NOT accept less then I want or deserve.. in this case... I will just keep JMO
 BrummelBrow
Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 16
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:23:35 PM
if I've learned anything it's Never date someone who claims to "be in a similar situation as you" BIG MISTAKE!
 surfergrlfly
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 17
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:47:39 PM
i'm like an open book...what u see is what u get...I like to have FUN.....and love to date...now onto relationships...there's a line there that only the BEST get to cross....there's my only wall...i gotta trust the man i'm with and feel a strong connection....

I have learned from the mistakes I have made and have come out a stronger person...but have not built a fortress of "walls" to protect myself...Life''s about taking chances...I see something...I GO for it...i get my feet wet...life's TOOO short!
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:01:02 PM
I definitely have learned from my dating mistakes and also from mistakes of others that I have read about on the forums.

I made some serious mistakes in my last relationship but I can honestly say I learned from them and it was a very hard lesson to learn. Probably the hardest yet.

I know that I will not make the same mistakes that I made in my last relationship.

I use to build walls but not anymore. I can never be happy if I keep people out. I want to be happy with that special someone and that I intend to do.
 MissElaineESJones
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 19
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:48:42 PM
Probably the one thing that I have learned that is the most important lesson for me is don't go too fast. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve because this is like having put the accelerator completely to the floor. I look back and every time I made a mistake, it was because I jumped into a relationship with both feet just too quickly. This makes for seeing a relationship as something that it is not. It takes time to see clearly. If there is so much chemistry going on that everything moves too fast, it is likely going to be just a flash in the pan. Chemistry can be developed with the right person, but undoing chemistry that is acted upon prematurely is very difficult when it happens with the wrong person.
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 20
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:57:21 PM
Gee, CK~...I'm not sure how to reconcile these comments with the deception thread comments. Is it really because you moved too fast...or because they intentionally deceived you?

And HEY...to be fair...I've learned a lot, lot more from my dating successes. If you would have asked me 4 years ago right now what my dating/relationship life crystal ball looked like, I probably would have broken down in tears at the thought. I've learned a lot...and one of the first things was how to stop making mistakes and start making good things happen...and they have. And from my perspective, as well as most of the women I've dated, it wasn't a mistake, just not as great an opportunity as we'd both hoped for in the beginning.



PS: Be careful what you wish for...it could come true.
 MissElaineESJones
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 21
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:51:14 AM
^^^^Mr. Dub, ever hear of the old saying, "Act in haste, repent in leisure?" Well, I've learned from my dating mistakes not to act in haste, because the repenting in leisure is the pits! Actually, you can take the deception thread and this thread and combine them under "acting in haste." Yes I was intentionally deceived, and yes, I acted in haste. A little more brakes on it, and perhaps the situation would never even have occurred because there would have been plenty of time to see what was going on. Part of a deceptive person's strategy is to make it seem as though you have to act RIGHT NOW or else you will miss the deal of a lifetime.

OK, so I see your point in that you can also learn positive things from dating successes rather than negative things from mistakes. This is going to be rather hard to believe, though, but some of us have not had successes. But logically speaking, when there is success, wouldn't that have led to finding the one and not being on this site now? Or is serial dating what it is all about?

I have to scratch my head and think that I must be completely out of step with how things are in this day and age. Never thought I would end up alone at this stage of my life and discussing such things on a forum. I used to sit at a table in Lucky's several years ago and wonder how in the world did I ever end up here. I'm supposed to be home with a husband.

I guess somebody needs to explain how dating has gotten to be what it is today. But I still maintain that slow and safe is better than going hellbent toward an uncertain end.
 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 22
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:30:26 PM
You bring up a good point. the serial dater. They are out there both men and women. and at this p[oint in life i can spot them. So I have learned from my dating mistakes. The other lesson i have learned from POF is the fact that some people will question your comments no matter what you print. Its some strange ritual to validate their own opinions. Lesson is........why bother?
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 23
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/22/2009 5:33:32 PM

OK, so I see your point in that you can also learn positive things from dating successes rather than negative things from mistakes. This is going to be rather hard to believe, though, but some of us have not had successes. But logically speaking, when there is success, wouldn't that have led to finding the one and not being on this site now? Or is serial dating what it is all about?

I understand what you are saying...but think back...even to the deceptive relationship...didn't you learn anything good? Examples of things I've learned include...
...I learned how to become a better conversationalist.
...I learned how to read a "nothing" and help draw it out without pain and recrimination.
...I learned I can trust someone with my secrets and they stayed between us.
...I learned I could experience intimate passion.
...I learned women want a man to lead a realationship.
...I learned women actually want and enjoy sex.
...I learned women want a man who is real...and I learned what "real" means to them.
...I learned that over-the-top romantic dates too early in a relationship is the kiss of death
...etc, etc., etc..

Now, as to why...if these were successful relationships...am I not with them?
I've found that it is very easy to have an excellent, intimate, sexual relationship with someone but over the course of months to come to understand that there are other reasons why you're not destined to be together for the long run. I can honestly say I'm still friends with most of the girls I've had any longevity of a relationship with (more than a few dates). There are a couple who's current partners forbid them from talking to me (yeah, forbid was the word) from which I can only assume was out of fear...but in both cases they were blunt...if it doesn't work out, they'd still like to be friends again. And I have one ex-g/f who I had to push away because she was so addictive I kept going back with her.

But the bottom line is, people have their own reasons...fear of commitment, changing priorities, alcohol(ism), economic/educational/social differences were too wide, distance, etc..

It is sad to think that there are those that have not had successes...but in defense of success...I've encountered a lot of people who really have no idea how to present themselves and become "date-able"...too many people with the "take me as I am or stuff it" attitude. Fine...take me as I am, but let's at least show the best side of who I am to start the conversation. I've sent hundreds (and yes, I did say hundreds) of "Thanks but no thanks" reply emails to women who's profiles and pics did them aboslutely no justice...and frankly, there are enough women trying hard, I really didn't have time to focus on the ones not trying.

Now...pass the Cheerios, I've got date with my g/f planned.

 MissElaineESJones
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 24
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/23/2009 3:23:14 AM

Lesson is........why bother?


climbs, you must bother! Your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's. I think I've learned a lot from these forums, both in gleaning information AND in just not giving up on what I think is true for me. I just keep on putting it out there no matter what. From time to time, I get emails telling me that they really enjoyed what I have said and even a few said it really made a difference in their lives.

So don't stop posting your opinions. Anyone out there lurking should consider joining in as well. Yes, you risk being stomped on, but who cares? It's actually a "freeing" experience to learn not to implode when people come against you.
 surfergrlfly
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 25
Do we learn from our dating mistakes?
Posted: 10/23/2009 6:55:50 AM
I agree with Sharon that you "shouldn't wear your heart on your sleeve." But IMO...there's nothing to gain if u don't take a chance....Dating can be FUN....don't miss all the "good stuff!"
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