| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 11:55:11 AM | | We were married for 35 when one day my wife asked me if I loved her. I answered of course. She floored with with the announcement that prior to our marriage she got pregnant in a one nite stand and gave the baby up for adoption. I felt like the carpet was pulled out from under my feet and tumbled into depression and eventually separation. I thought we were totally open on everything. There's more to this obviously but it's a long story too. What do men think on this subject! Feedback please.. | |
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| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:01:57 PM | Does this change who she's been for the last 35 years?
She did something when she was younger that she was ashamed of. It's taken her this long to be able to tell you.
While it's not exactly a great thing to hear... it's not the end of the world. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:02:39 PM | Just men's feedback? You need validation for the way you feel from a man's perspective? -- you are in the wrong forum.
This is a huge story involving more than just this little bit you supplied. What is going on in your head? What does it "mean" to you? | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:09:55 PM | Thanks Adam..I'll just buck up , be the man she married and apologize for my reaction and hope she forgives!
Thanks again I think I just needed outside feedback and thought this may be a good venue! | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:10:12 PM | You say there is more to this story....how do you expect objective responses?
Since you only reveal what you reveal I have to say that if you made that a reason to separate your wife I think you made a big mistake. How can something she did prior to your marriage, that had nothing to do with you make you fall into depression? | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:13:01 PM | How does this change who she is now?
Yes, this should have been disclosed--- but I think I'd have the, "I love you- no more secrets between us" conversation.
It is obviously something that has bothered her--- she's been afraid that telling you this would cause you not to love her (based on how she brought it up).
Yes, she kept it from you--- but it sounds like it was tearing her up inside. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:14:29 PM |
We were married for 35 when one day my wife asked me if I loved her. I answered of course.
Sounds like your told her what you thought she wanted to hear because...
She floored with with the announcement that prior to our marriage she got pregnant in a one nite stand and gave the baby up for adoption. I felt like the carpet was pulled out from under my feet and tumbled into depression and eventually separation.
You left her over something that happened over 35 years ago... | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 8 | |
| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:26:14 PM | I wonder why she didn't tell you for 35 years.
Maybe she was afraid you'd make it all about you. Maybe she was afraid you wouldn't be able to keep it in perspective. Maybe she was afraid you'd leave.
Yeah, you're right. She should have told you sooner.  | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:27:42 PM | I forgive you for the 'mens feedback' remark... of course your whole world is turned upside down!!
Do you have children of your own? or would this have been the one? And things are so different in the world from 35 yrs ago... she was scared. She's been caring this 35 yrs as well... wow this is heavy | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:43:57 PM | Somehow the math doesn't seem right here. 1 mistake a life time ago is worth more than 35 years of loving her? Your answer - of course.
I thought we were totally open on everything.
Obliviously you weren't open to her about you inability to handle what you considered a crisis. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:46:37 PM | water under the bridge -she wasn't in your life when it happaned. so she made a mistake and had sex with someone else before she met you -guess what, -alot of people do.
she messed up, and owed up to her mistake. -would it make you feel better if she would have aborted it, and not given her child a chance at life?
sounds like she chose not to fight this battle with you -cause you would take the "high horse" stance. | |
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| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:49:06 PM | I think anything you feel is FINE.
She's been feeling this for 35 years all by herself, and for whatever reason, never told you. I'm sure she has guilt for giving the child up, mixed with happiness that she found it a home, and guilt that she didn't tell you, mixed with fear that you'd find out, and happiness that the two of you could make your own family without her past "mistakes" complicating things. I'm also sure it was a HUGE step personally for her to tell you, especially after all these years.
So feel all the emotions...anger at her seeming betrayal and lack of trust, sadness...whatever. But try and remember the way you answered her question....Yes. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 12:52:44 PM | | Thanks, I am over my pity party and hoping she forgives me! Thanks for your thoughts! | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:01:31 PM | | i holpe you do recant and try to make up for as you completely overreacted. i mean my parents hid knowledge of my sister from me, never intended on telling me, i found out over 20 years later by luck. I wqas floored, yes, but i gave my parents a chance to explain and realized there was a good reason they didnt tell me, so give you wife the benefit of the doubt and work on showing her you love her and still want to spend the rest of your life with her. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:01:35 PM | Giving up on a 35 year marriage....what is there to be floored about????
She did have a life before you...and during your 35 years I am sure there were some rocky times and good times...
THIS IS YOUR LIFE...SHE IS YOUR LIFE...35 years of it.
If this is your way of making an OUT....so you can play on the personal site...whatever floats your boat.
I think it's a cowards' way out............and you will be faced being lonely....until the day you are close to facing your maker....and guess who will be there when it happens..
YOUR WIFE. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:04:25 PM | Northman, YOU are an ASS! An absolute, patent ASS. How dare you treat an otherwise loyal mate of 35 YEARS in such an assinine manner for such a minor PREmarital indiscretion. She was right not to say anything for so long. She obviously knew your reaction would be such. SHE should've left you! It's woosy assed pips like you that turn otherwise normal women into raging psychos making it severely difficult for decent men like myself to meet anything but! Men like you are the equivalent of wife beaters to me! Would that it were as it used to be - when a man beat his wife, HIS friends would beat him and convey that kind of male behaviour was thoroughly and totally unacceptable!!!!!
GROOOWWWLLLSNAPBITE!!! | |
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| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:06:42 PM | | You can barely turn on daytime TV these days without hearing stories about adoptees being reunited with their birth mothers. I'm only guessing, but back when she placed her baby for adoption maybe she was conditioned to never talk about it and try to forget it ever happened. Of course, we know that's impossible. Now that things have changed as far as open adoptions and people tracking down their bio moms, maybe her thinking has changed as well? Maybe she's concerned that her child will find her and that if she didn't tell you about it you'd be even angrier than you are? Regardless of her reason for telling you after 35 years, if that's your only marital issue I sure hope you get back together after the shock of it wears off. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:09:19 PM | Hey northman1;
I have faith in you ... win her back ... and agree to work through it together.
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:11:42 PM |
She did not "mess up", as she did the courageous and proper thing by giving the child up for adoption...shows she was thinking of the baby first. Good for her.
You, OP, have a right to feel what you feel. What you choose to DO is what will make or break your relationship. The others are right...it was literally a lifetime ago. There is nothing to forgive, however. Remember that..she did nothing "wrong", as I don't think telling you something that happened so long ago, before your marriage, is 'wrong'.
Perhaps the reason she told you now is that the child has contacted her? Have you asked her this? Any children you may have with your wife are the siblings of this child. He/she has a right to know his/her family, for after all, once the parents are gone, we only have our siblings.
Good luck...and do the right thing
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:15:40 PM | This situation is little different than a man finding out that he had fathered a child and worrying about whether the wife will leave him or if she can accept him/her, even if the person is an adult, wtf? She did something brave in giving up that child and her not telling you is on you, and she was obviously right not to do so.
I am not trying to sound hateful but maybe you should stop and think about why your wife was scared to tell you this for 35 years. It has to have been horrible for her or she never would have brought it up, just kept the secret. I imagine you somehow feel betrayed but maybe she thought after 35 years you could handle the news without freaking out.
She has spent all of these years wondering what happened to her child and doing so alone. Go and tell her that you love her and that you are sorry that she bore the burden by herself and that you want her to tell you about it, how she has felt and what you can do for her now. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 21 | |
| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:19:45 PM |
First off, I don't see anywhere in which he said he had left her.
I think this suggests he left her:
I felt like the carpet was pulled out from under my feet and tumbled into depression and eventually separation.
OP . . . you sound like the type of guy who is going to be able to get past this. I hope you do it soon. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:23:46 PM | what an arrogant response. were you a virgin when you married her? did she lie to you about being a virgin? who are you to judge a mother, forced to give up her child in a time when single mothers were treated like dirt and there were few viable birth control options and proper sex education, let alone religious barriers? your response is kind of like how it was back then in prevailing attitudes and hippocracy, and you just treated her this way after 35 years of dedication.
you say you are sorry. i have no clue if she will take you back. but if this is how you reacted to her "imperfections" to date, i wonder if it's not ultimately a good thing for her.
at any rate, if you both do go back, i hope she feels comfortable to register on the adoptive lists, so that both people can meet and mend any old wounds. that is, if they both want to do so.
i say this as a fost/adopt mom. and although i am not a man, my understanding is that the pof threads are for all to respond. i am glad, most men today are not that arrogant. but again, maybe a whole lot more is missing to this story as mentioned above. | |
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Posted: 3/15/2008 1:25:47 PM | What if her disclosure was a major factor in the demise of your 35 year relationship then perhaps she knew you too well. Undoubtedly has been a heavy burden for her to carry...my sister gave up a child for adoption. To share that with someone who will judge you badly for your decision revisits an issue that was dealt with in her own way at that time. It makes her no less of a woman, lady or human being. To think she has had to cope with reactions like yours all her life...THAT'S WHY SHE DIDN'T DISLCOSE EARLIER. The pain was too great and the reactions of others has been less than empathetic. Shame on you ... you need to have a heart and feel hers.
She probably blesses the love and stability of you very long term marriage and perhaps pines with the thought .. what if...
What now...
Why?
Perhaps she would like to see your empathy and compassion instead of your surprise and hurt that she had not confided earlier...what if...
Life is not what if...its a happening...accept it...move on...live...love...life
Sincerely,
Lane | |
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| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:27:49 PM | Well they have statue of limitations in law so I have the same for relationships. 35 years ago is too long to be mad at someone. I mean idk when you got married but lets say if you were 18 people make mistakes when they were younger. Hey at least she was honest with you. It might have taken 35 years but she was  | |
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| Hidden Secrets revealed
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:29:42 PM | I think the OP felt extremely betrayed because she kept this secret from him for 35 years. She chose to carry this issue by herself and that is not of his doing. Can't say that I would feel any different but his reaction was not of love and concern.
I think this would be the same as him having an affair. A loss of trust is a loss of trust.
I wonder if she kept the secret because she knows how he overacts to things. Another good reason to take the time to really get to know someone before you say I DO! | |
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