| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/15/2008 5:31:31 PM | I have been communicating with someone that lives 1400 miles away for about 3 months now and am not yet sure when we are going to be able to meet. He plans on coming to see me when we do meet but it is yet undetermined when he is going to be able to break away to do this. Now, I could go into all of the reasons as to why it would be difficult for him to just drop everything and come and meet me, but then I am afraid it would get into too much of a discussion of the particulars. Let me just say that I do understand that he lives his life in high pace.... he works hard, plays hard and crashes really tired at the end of the day. He is probably over committed to too many things but I understand that is part of who he is. He has still made the time to email me almost every day since early december, and at times talk to me well past when he should have been asleep. We have grown close and have both expressed that we cannot wait to actually be in the same room together. Now, dont get me wrong, I do know ALL about the limitations in getting to know someone online and by phone and that time spent together is REALLY needed.
Now..... all of that to say this.... I believe that this mans committments are valid reasons to not be able to just buzz on over here to meet, and I have never pushed him to do so. Yes.... I realize that as I become more and more invested in someone that I have never actually met that the risks of greater heartbreak are higher.
I have a guy friend who really got me upset today because he believes strongly that we should meet soon and that I should push for it. He believes that if this guy really wanted to see me that he would get over here regardless of the cost, the time or what he had to lay aside to meet me. He thinks that I am making excuses for him.
My question is ....am I wrong in not pressing?? I know that with some guys, "busy-ness" can really mean that they just dont have time for you or are not that interested. I honestly dont see that as the case here. And I feel like I want him to come when it works out well for him to come, and when he wants to come, and not feel like he has to pull it off sooner because I am pushing him.
I really want more feedback on this.... especially from you guys. Thanks. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/15/2008 5:39:00 PM | There are always good reasons to do, or not to do something. I would be more concerned if he was unwilling to set a date to do it, and unwilling to give a reason.
Though you can always go to where he is, if you're that eager. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/15/2008 5:41:54 PM | My first question is what prevents you from going there? My second question is why has it taken this long for him to not offer to visit you? Busy life is one thing and if he takes the time to talk to you as often as you say, I would hope he wants more than just a 1,400 mile chat mate.
I have driven 400 miles one direction just to go on a date, after a few months of this we moved just around the corner, took that long to amass monies to make the move and a place to stay for me. We never got past boyfriend and girlfriend stage, but at least our dates were easier.
Charles. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:03:51 PM | | Not to mislead, Charles......we have talked MUCH of meeting.... although mostly what that will be like. Yes, it is possible that I could go there but he has never been to the Northwest before and we have always talked about him coming here. I really do believe that this meeting is going to take place ..... its just that it might be May or June before it happens . My question really more is about whether you guys think that I am wrong in my attitude about this. Am I being too understanding of his lifestyle and committments and should push this just out of the fear of being more and more invested if it doesnt work out?? Do you ALL have the attitude that if a guy really wants to see a woman that he will and that he SHOULD pull out all of the stops to make it happen?? | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:20:32 AM | Long distance relationships are hard... tried it a few times and i can really backfire...
Him being busy.. If its when you kinda plan on meeting thats a big sign.. if someone REALLY wants to meet you and life allows they will try.. IN some situations YOU might have to do that hard part by visiting first. Caution.. Make sure you have somewhere else you can crash(hotel) if you make the move and he is.... otherwise taken...
Its gonna be hard.. if you really like this guy and you believe he is interested.. take a leap and go visit.. see what happens.. Might hurt putting yourself out there, but will really suck if you dont and always think what if..
hope it help... | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:34:24 PM | What if he is only playing a game? What if he is married and is simply leading you on for fun? The sooner you find out the better.
Personally I would not be okay with it. If a person cannot find ONE day to break away and hop on a plane to come see you I think something is wrong. If he really wanted to get to know you and find out if you are the one for you, he would.
I think your explanation on why you are not going there is strange. He's never been to the Northwest before so therefore you can't go see him? | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:43:14 PM | I've always thought that I would still
be monagomous to my wife if I had one
and she died. I would spend the rest of
my life in meditation and solitary
enlightenment.
But not if I met somebody that I liked and
she was still alive! | |
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EB1
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Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 8 | |
| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:47:09 PM | Maybe if you think that you two should meet sooner rather than later, why not fly to see him?
Even if he would have always wanted to visit the area you're in at the moment. Reality is, he can't make the trip until later. You can accept that and wait that later to come or you can visit him. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 2:51:08 PM | I am in his shoes. Not his literal shoes, but I have met someone who lives VERY far away, and I plan to see her as soon as I can. When it comes to flying, you don't exactly want to go through all the airport crap for a 2 hour date and go back home. In order to leave for say a week, you have to get things in order, and as you try to do that new things come up to slow down the process.
I think he is fortunate that you have patience, and I say, if you believe he isn't married or playing a game with you, stay patient with him. I am the type that will look ANYWHERE to find someone who is really good for me. I think people that settle for crap just because they live close by are good divorce candidates. If you REALLY know him and you REALLY like him, it should be worth waiting for. If he is sincere then he wants to meet you as bad as you want to meet him !!
GIRLS: DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS !!
( I always put that in my posts, friends have a way of being negative and overprotective)
I know that with some guys, "busy-ness" can really mean that they just dont have time for you or are not that interested. I honestly dont see that as the case here. And I feel like I want him to come when it works out well for him to come, and when he wants to come, and not feel like he has to pull it off sooner because I am pushing him.
I say trust your heart/gut. I am so glad the girl I have met expresses her desire to see me as soon as possible, but gives me respect and understanding when plans move up because of things beyond my control. I plan to see her now in about 3 weeks, and we have been talking over 6 months. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 5:02:45 PM | I'm not trying to be negative. However, there is one problem. Long distance relationships rarely work out. You're talking about someone who lives 1,400 miles away. You might see him for a few hours, or a few days....but how often do you plan to see him? If it doesn't work out...then what. Even more so what happens when it does? There's alot of things to work out here.
I hope things work out great, but I've seen too many good people get hurt from long distance relationships. You might want to think about this a little further. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 5:26:03 PM | OP.. Last August I met a man who lives approximately 1600 miles away from me. We were instantly attracted to one another, and realistic about a long distance relationship. He's the one that started pushing to come visit (was easier for him to travel then me) and we eventually settled on dates that would work best for both of us. I let him know I'd love it when he came, whenever he came, and left the choosing up to him. He changed the dates 3 times... Started out as coming in October, then pushed it back to November, then extended the dates by 3 days, leaving it open to extend it another 5 if we wanted.
We all have lives and being a little understanding about his and what's going on in it isn't a bad thing IMO. He might very well appreciate that. Mind you, waiting is difficult and if he keeps putting it off, that might be a sign for you as well. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 7:50:17 PM | | Email him a link to this thread and get his feedback. Create a new thread with his feedback and email him that link. ;) | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:41:56 PM | I looked at your profile and if this man isn't able to find the time to come see you, he is a total idiot...
I wouldn't press him tho...
Just call and tell him you can book a flight for these days...
Then listen to the excuses about his work as to why the married man can't be available... | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:51:07 PM | Mthuckleberry! Go with the flow!! AND...do NOT allow any negativity to penetrate into your mind on this matter...keep it ALL positive!!! Use affirmatives! :)
And Lookingformygirl, THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for every single word you said!! People should never settle!
There is no such thing as distance.....THAT is what limits so many people! | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:10:29 PM | Fairy tale answer:
Love will find a way. If it's meant to be, you will be in one another's arms. You make it happen when it's destiny, and never let anyone tell you that you can't have something.
Reality:
If it takes this long to figure out how to meet once, how long will it take to meet twice? How many times would you have to be together (in the same room) to decide that someone is going to move? Are you willing to ride along for that amount of time?
Remember this: You have no idea what it's like to smell his breath, fight him for the remote, put his toilet seat down, pick his socks up off the floor, or ask him why he's so late from work. I'm speaking from experience here, most of what you "know" about a person you've never met is completely made up in your mind.
My advice would be this: Enjoy it for what it is. A very dear friend who lives very far away. You may meet someday, but this is probably not "the one." If this is not ok, then you may have to force his hand and get a meeting done at some point.
I wish you well. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:10:35 PM | | I have been down the long distance relationship road twice, it takes a lot of trust and patience but it can work. Don't let friends influence your decision because in my experience its always been negative feedback. You have been chatting to him for 3 months now, long enough to know if the connection is strong. Trust in your instincts, sure its risky but deep down I think you know what you want to do.......good luck | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:06:56 PM | I'm with Nordic about your reason for not going to him. It just sounds a little weak. If he's successful, he should be sending for you if he can't get away. You don't need a week, just a 3 day weekend.
Aside from that, no one can predict whether or not a long distance relationship is going going to succeed. I know a couple who met online--the guy in the US and the woman in Australia--they're married with kids in America now. I know another person who chatted with someone in another state online for several months, built him up in her head and the minute she saw him at the airport she knew it was done. It was also hell for the next 6 weeks while she tried to get rid of the guy. The point is, it's a risk. There are tons of variables involved, including your individual personalities. Some people can handle being in love and being apart for long periods of time and some can't. You can minimize the risk by fact checking and meeting in person as soon as possible. The longer you wait to meet in person, the more you'll build up the fantasy good parts and the harder the fall will be if things don't work out. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 4:32:14 AM | I'm sorry but every time I see a thread about people trying to meet others who are hundreds , sometimes thousands of miles away I can't help but shake my head.
People who live that far away from you usually don't get on a plane for a 'date'. No sane person spends two grand or so just to meet somebody. Sure, it happens and they're usually disappointed. It's not because they should be it's because they've built the fantasy and have had nothing but the fantasy for so long.
Long distance relationships work when it's a temporary seperation of a previously established relationship. I can't believe some of the silly responses I see here. "He should spend the cash to bring you out" "He doesn't really want to meet you"....get real people.
God, I hate that "trust your gut" nonsense. Why don't people ever suggest that others trust their brains instead of the organ in charge of creating shit ? | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:28:10 AM |
Why don't people ever suggest that others trust their brains instead of the organ in charge of creating shit ?
OK, that's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. I'll be laughing about that all day.
 Sweet | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:24:35 AM | Well his profile does say he can get you laughing. I work with a woman who met a man on vacation last year. He sends for her and comes to visit her regularly. She has a normal job and could never afford to travel as much as he wants to see her. I'm sure they're not the only long distance couple with a set up like this. If the OP's guy has the money and she doesn't there's nothing wrong with him paying her travel costs. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:33:52 AM | ^Sure there's nothing wrong with it. Didn't it occur to you though that maybe he has other financial commitments ? Better yet, did it never occur to you that he's under no obligation to pay for anything ? If he wants to then by all means, he can. To say that he "should" is another matter altogether. Since when was anybody obligated to pay for somebody else just because they made more money ? Would YOU pay for somebody to fly out and meet you just because things MIGHT work ? I seriously doubt it. You're suggesting that others are entitled to your money just because you have more of it than they do. Seem fair to you ? We're talking about what is essentially a two thousand dollar date here. That's travel costs, hotel costs if things don't work out, food, entertainment, etc.
Now don't go trying to twist this up as though I'm saying that she has to pay for everything or that he should only think about the cash. What I'm saying is a direct response to your suggestion that he SHOULD pay for anything. I doubt that you'd feel that way if you were in his shoes. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 10:18:55 AM | Mthuckleberry. you said
1. I believe that this mans committments are valid reasons to not be able to just buzz on over here to meet, and I have never pushed him to do so.
He has still made the time to email me almost every day since early december, and at times talk to me well past when he should have been asleep.
I realize that as I become more and more invested in someone that I have never actually met that the risks of greater heartbreak are higher.
Some thoughts
1. He may not be telling you the truth about his finances. I have friends that are business owners that cannot leave their company unattended for more than a day. They told their chat friend that. They have paid for plane tickets from New York to Missoula so that they could meet up with the girl they met online.
2. He is definitely interested in being with you. This still doesn't means he is going to tell you that he cannot afford to make the meeting happen.
3. Do not invest your heart in someone you have never meet or spend anytime with.
the only things you know are what he has written. You cannot say with any certainty that you know him even if you have spent a few weekends together. People will tell you what they think you want to hear and show you the face they want you to see. Especially if they like you.
The farther away you are from your internet friend. The more you have to ask him an yourself. Is this relationship realistic? Why am i looking for men or women 1400 miles away.
In the end staying friends but looking for relationship locally might be your best bet.
oh by the way I am from Mt. just another low paid MisZOOlian. 9.00 an hour is considered a good wage here and 78% of Zoolians cant afford a house much less a 1400 mile trip. I would love to find a good woman but i have no doubt that when I tell her I don't have a college degree and make 9.00 dollars an hour. It wont matter how great of a guy I am. It'll be see ya around poor guy too bad you got my hopes up. This is why my profile says friends and I look for my dream girl locally. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:44:45 AM | | Gotapulse~ I'm not here to argue with you. My input for the OP is based on what I've seen other successful businessmen do in long distance relationships. Maybe you're not in an income bracket where you can relate. As oneofmany stated, the guy could be lying about his income. That was the point of my post. Its simply something for the OP to consider, not something for you to get excited about. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 1:40:48 PM | I have been in this situation too,although the distance in my case was 200 miles.
We had been chatting,txting,phone calls etc-For two months we arranged a couple of times to meet & they "fell through".
Once his babysitter let him down,next his car was "off the Road"
Finally it all came together, i had booked a hotel room for him,& paid for it!!
He rang me to say he had set off-then he didnt show!!!
After all the communication between him & i,(he was the one pushing to meet up),
i never thought he would do something like that,he seemed really " genuine".
My opinion now is if you find someone on here that you like, dont leave it to long to meet up.
When you have been calling,txting,messaging,every day for a while you do get emotionally involved even though you havent met.
Personally now,i would push him a little,then at least you will find out if he is "Genuine" or not.
Good Luck. | |
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| push to meet or be ok with it??
Posted: 3/18/2008 1:58:35 PM | | 1400 miles? are you a glutton for punishment? if he happans to be coming your way, and is doing all the traveling -then why not -however because of the distance, your probibly going to get hurt or let down in the long run. and i would think he will want something from you for traveling all those miles to come for a visit. | |
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