| Raw and emotionally exposed, welcome to my world.
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:32:37 PM | I figured i have been on this site long enough that hell may as well make my own thread. Not sure how much i will be posting in here but as the writing bug hits me, i shall post. Feel free to add on as much as you would like.
Raw, emotionaly exposed to an existance i dont understand. I wonder when i realized i was alive? I hate myself at times. I hate myself for not chasing the fear, passion, desire, love, hate. All of that would only explain who i am and do i really want to take that chance? Reality is a good way to smack you in the face once in awhile. Regardless of how much i run i still have to face it time to time. I have been told that life is a journey to self discovery. To under cover the truths within, the who, the whats, the hows, the whens, the whys of life. But that only makes me cower in fear. Its truly scary to find out the person you are supposed to be when you are leading yourself with a blindfold over your eyes. To remove that and find out who i am, what i am, why i am destroys my heart. My thoughts.My ability to live another day. I become overwhelmed that i distance myself, two steps forward five steps back. The fear the knowing. How does one battle fear? Fear of ones ownself?
My greatest fear in life-that i am my own greatest fear. | |
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| Dear Diary,
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:35:01 PM | Sick of everything crashing
Sick of being who i am
Each day a little piece of me dies
When will it all end?
When there is nothing left of me to spare?
Would anyone even care?
I am sick of everything riding on so little
I am sick of people having little faith
Live alone
Die alone
Get into no ones way.
No one needs a silly girl in life
No one needs a whore you stupid twat
Sick of doing things i dont want to do
Sick of working and of school.
F*ck the feelings they can all go to hell
Thats right boys you f*cking smell
Tired of wanting things i cant get
YOU know what i am talking about
Nothing is meant for me, nothing but a joke
Im a joke, played like a riddle
Dillusional girl tricks are for rabbits
Love isnt meant for you | |
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| Dear Diary,
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:29:03 PM | wonderful. truly. don't worry, it gets even worse at age 56 
and so i mercilessly write, with a very foolish heart:
here i am, taut string
hold me in the wind
let her fingers play me
capture me
pluck me raw
in the deepest darkest hours
tell me
is this only the sound
of a lusting whore? | |
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| Dear Diary,
Posted: 3/16/2008 9:23:14 AM | Visual...quite the interesting thread. Although you appear quite young and beautiful to be so sad and sick and tired, believe me...I understand! Sometimes I forget how I felt at your age. Sometimes I wish I could just go back.
Of all the things in life I regret
All the things I wish I had not
For everything I hope for now
All the little things that left
Every bleeding hurting part
Lots of tiny wonderful sparks
Meaningful hearts all gone now
Deceitful ones that left me stronger
Labors of my love I gave
Sometimes left alone I prayed
Wishing once upon a star
Hope to mend the deep black scars
Remember life is just a lesson
If learned well, you'll go to heaven
I really don't believe this true
For the lesson is...
to just be you!
No one knows what drives another
For what in heart they put asunder
Find the part of you , you love
For it will be written once you become
the you , you longed for all along! | |
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| Dear Diary,
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:22:43 PM | Happy to see this part of you too.......can't wait to see what tomorrow's diary will read!!
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| you make me sick
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:21:53 PM | hey K....
wrote this for your thread.... hope you like....
how can I tell you that you make me sick?
my legs shake, belly tightens
like a fermented drink
you are the hair of the dog that bit me
you go down smooth
tickle in my throat
you warm my gullet
you slow my reaction time
you are a morning after DUI
with a BAC just over the legal limit
you are my temptation
my evil twin
you are my addictions
and my mental illness
but what kind of symptoms?
you are nausea over the porcelain god
a burning itch two weeks after a one night stand
you are a left over dis-ease with no cure
how can I tell you that you make me sick?
you grow inside my mind
sitting behind my eyes
like a grapefruit sized tumor
and cloud my vision
so I can't see clear enough to fight you off
what kind of sickness are you?
you are mumps, measels, and chicken pox
all rolled into one giant fever
with scars for lifetime
you make me ****ing sick
I can't relax until I taste you
my hands shake, mucsles ache
you are pink kool aid in a speciman cup
three hours before my next methodone take home
you are the sickness that makes me well
you are my obsessive compulsive dis-order
you are my treatment plan
my twelve steps of recovery
my in-patient lock down
my two doctor hold
you are the sickness that makes me bold
how can I tell you that you make me sick?
you're a tonsilectomy without ice cream
your're a heart attach patient without nitro glycerin
prostate disease without a probing finger in your ass
you're a double mastectomy left for a younger woman
testicular cancer in the right ball, where surgery accidentally removed the left
you make me ****ing sick
how can I tell you?
I just did | |
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| Dear Diary,
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:50:04 PM | Is love a game in which our hearts transcend for the amusement of having someone
Anybody falls for everybody just a joke of finding the piece of an everlasting soul of embodiement
I never gazed onto another woman knowing she's not part of my soul
My eyes we're fixated on such radient beauty but alas I knew it not to be
Fore as adjascent as my eyes were focused on her I couldn't focus on what to say
Only love's hope would give me the words to talk to another
My heart and soul could only love one for eternity the rest are like ashes scattering in the wind
From dust to life till death we're all searching for our other half
Now and always supposed lovers are abused and neglected is that what love is
To be abandoned and heartbroken just like a slave dreaming of life outside of his redicule harmon
Love will come but you have to be patient
It comes when the tides hit the shores while you're lost at sea
Drifting you home upon a cascade of ups and downs but you're ultimately at home, safe
Never know who your soulmate is
Alos for all these timely wounds covering my shell broken heart I yearn but wait insuffiently
I know my time will come but I wait unscathered by time itself for love to reach me too
Don't get pissed at everyone cause a few guys let you down.... Only love one who makes you happy don't settle for just anybody ;) --Serk-- | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed...thanks for the great thread!
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:04:28 PM | VOID
Evening nears its end as the deep dark night closes in
Vision blurs, thoughts subdued, feel the effects of our Red Zin.
Mind wanders, many questions arise - concern takes hold
An ache in my heart, the distance upon us, tears unfold.
Poured another glass to feel the memory and dull the pain
Attempts are useless, you've spilled into my soul, there's no releasing the stain.
Eyes close, visions appear - can't stop thinking of him
Hands soft, smooth, firm, glide over limbs.
Breath on the neck, tongue meeting skin,
Nose brushes ears, lips embrace lobes - how I need you within.
Acutely aware of the emptiness inside
Slip into slumber an attempt to hide.
Minutes multiply into hours and divide into days,
Without a word from you, longing to hear your "L" phrase.
No longer near me, so far apart
Lonely without you - a void in my heart. | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:29:25 AM | Silverswan Enjoyed your foolish heart but way to crush my dreams of hope.lol Just kidding.
mmmmmy I have read a few of your writings and i must say i love your style. Age means nothing its what one has been through in life that ages us faster. Or least thats how i view it.
HAMAZING Welcome to my thread feel free to post whatever you may wish.
Tenz As always its a pleasure reading your potty mouth mind. You always manage to get a smirk out of me. Sometimes thats hard to do. Should i get you a barf bucket?
Serk Wow i enjoyed that very much. I will have to check out some of your other writings. I agree with your advice, i am just trying to find my way. To find that one that makes you happy is a gamble in life, too many want to make you cry.
DancingScorpio You're welcome loved what you wrote and please feel free to post whenever you feel like it.
Such a symbol of destruction
Desire to see myself fail
Who really cares anymore?
My skin is pale, my eyes are lifeless
My heart is broken
My heart is sore
I wish a fire would burn inside me to dry up all the tears i have shed
Feel the thorn in my side sting
Leave me behind
Rid yourself of my torment
Blood and sweat pour into a bowl for safe keeping
Rip off my skin, pour salt onto my body
My soul is something like a whore
Battered, beaten, bruised, all used up
Fake laughs, fake tears
I wish for that warm safe place
Blind eyes see me
Deaf ears hear me
Nothing left to lose, nothing left to gain
Nothing but endless enduring pain | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:57:34 AM | Thank You for the invite, I came up with this after REALLY reading your first work of art!! Thank You for the mind look, adding some other fun ways of thought that I adore too!!!.......
A Beootch
Blind
Crazy
Disturbed
Eloquent
Foolish
Grand
Happy
Intriguing
Jaded
Keen
Lame
Mischeivous
Nerdy
Ostentatious
Plain
Quirky
Ravenous
Slutty
Tattered Unique Vixen, Wadding Xrated in Zeal!!!
Oh the feelings in my mirror I see, this is ME!!!! | |
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mmmmmy
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Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| Raw and emotionally exposed....
Posted: 3/17/2008 7:14:13 PM |  Visual, thanks friend! No wonder I feel like I am 78! lol
So many times
so many years
letdowns
get back up rounds
Songs sung too soon
memories carried
too...too long
Laughter that faded
a black hole
Love that disquised itself
marked my soul!
Kisses and embraces
left to wander
now faded!
Hope of something
never realized
Faith in things
that never came
Pain that rang
inside my mind
The final verse---
Can I just get it right
this time?
Still trying...
around the bend
it is lying
Silent like the day before
yet my heart
wants so much more!
Imagining who I was
before.
All the time
that left me here---
Finding I am now still---
not sure
Is anyone really sure
Does it ever become
clear?
Will I finally know
someday?
Or is this just the price
we pay? | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:46:19 PM | hey dw, noticed you had a thread.. Hadabe!
ok, I'm gonna muster up a wee ku
`````````
Hendrix played music
All along the watch tower
He fell to the sea
````````````
ma, *yawning, not bad..
I need sleep...:/ | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:05:33 PM | I was once told as a child
fear runs circles
tracing tracts into people
by the gray woman
that I was without tracts
or, perhaps, so deeply placed
that I knew not I was contained
and marshaled
I am living in circular paths
that lead me ever to one source.
and so I have lived the same life
continuously
and I am beginning to see the animal
that herds me in its wake. | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....Dear Diary thoughts
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:09:07 AM | Overdependent on people around me is something i have never wanted in myself. I have always been the one to put up a front and be the one thats needed. I realize no one in life can depend on someone else its just not the way life goes. You only have yourself. I long for companionship but its proven time and again its not what i deserve. If i were a fish that flies i guess i would rather fly together than alone being one with the moon. But fairy tales are for books not me. Incoherence comes together like fragments of ash paper to weld. If only we could crystallize tears. I would have been able to make an ice igloo by now. When everything seems to be going right i can still never be truly happy. Its the nagging doubts, the slow creeping insecurity that sneaks up and grabs me by the throat. Wish it would strangle the living shit out of me and just get it over with but NOPE tomorrow is a new day. New day same stuff. Isnt that the way she goes?
Well diary i shall leave you alone once again thank you for listening and sorry for being the thorn in your side.
Once again nothing but a melodramatic whore
Kim
PS I must add though diary he gives me hope like never before. | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....Dear Diary thoughts
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:26:53 AM | dear diary
I put you on the shelf
dreams appeared in nothing else
down you come with pen in hand
scripting my days a sojourn inland
by now I could write a library
of all the emotions inside of me
days go by and now I see
you’re the one that knows all of me
lends ya a jackhammer for those mountains..
I have the whole toolkit..and extra’s | |
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mmmmmy
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Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 16 | |
| Raw and emotionally exposed....Dear Diary thoughts
Posted: 3/20/2008 10:13:47 AM | Never hoped to be anyones whore
But within lifes pages
sometimes I explode
Life is risky, hard , a tool
some make it easy
some make it hard!
I only wanted to be
just me...
not much of nothing
just true and free.
Believing in angels
hope of all good
knowing my heart
shall unfold
as it should! | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....Dear Diary thoughts
Posted: 3/21/2008 9:48:38 AM | Like a river on a mountain you are deep within my mind.
Each day i awake your smile gives me new hope.
Your eyes are like stars lighting up the dark nights.
Becoming the passion in my dreams
And the drum in my heart.
Through the tears and the smiles
I want you to be by my side
So wont you come along for the ride?
In the end we will make it
Just you and i. | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....Dear Diary thoughts
Posted: 3/21/2008 10:08:05 AM | Rivers flow like time and history repeats
Only the casque of fluid emotions will tell you who you're true love is
When do the good guy's get a chance to open your heart and heal your wounds
It's always been this way to me as time consumes
Never had the courage to just say hi
I wanna smell your perfume as you walk by
Maybe with a smile when I say that you'd notice me
Instead of me watching the tiles on the floor staring at my cowardly heart you see
Only if only I could slay a dragon for you if you was in peril
Knowing this do you look at me different now or am I still one that watches the tiles
It'd be a legend if I could capture your heart and you kiss me for my past
Only then could I trully say I found love at last | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed, welcome to my world.
Posted: 3/21/2008 6:17:53 PM | Hey VD, been reading, and listening to your music posts for awhile. I read your profile and you had me believing the front you put up. It's good to see your as jacked as the rest of us. If you decide to look for a "nice guy" you may want to still be careful, as someone might run ya over. But you look, or seem like you'd get up and kick him in the nuts. Anyway, good luck. If you don't mind thought you might like this song.
SARAH McLACHLAN
"Answer"
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
 | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed, welcome to my world.
Posted: 3/21/2008 6:18:30 PM | Hey VD, been reading, and listening to your music posts for awhile. I read your profile and you had me believing the front you put up. It's good to see your as jacked as the rest of us. If you decide to look for a "nice guy" you may want to still be careful, as someone might run ya over. But you look, or seem like you'd get up and kick him in the nuts. Anyway, good luck. If you don't mind thought you might like this song.
SARAH McLACHLAN
"Answer"
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
| |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed, welcome to my world.
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:16:38 AM | Dear Easter Bunny,
I know you keep many secrets deep down inside of you. I have come to learn a very dark secret of yours. It seems that you have been in cahoots with the Tooth Fairy for many many years now. (Tooth Fairy is the body part mafia) You see the person that told me your secret tells me that the Tooth Fairy only pays children for their teeth so that later on in life she will get them to sell a kidney. Sure Bunny you have wanted to distance yourself from the sorrid affair. But it is a known fact you offer the children chocolate. Chocolate which makes teeth fall out. If that doesnt sound like a partnership to me, i dont know what is. You have disappointed me Peter Cottontail. I hope the Tooth Fairy keeps you happy and please keep it a secret how you actually shit out chocolate eggs kthanks.
Sincerely heartbroken Kim
PS Please do not go hopping down my bunny trail. If you do, do at your own risk as you may be used as bunny stew. Fluff off!! | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed, welcome to my world.
Posted: 3/22/2008 6:27:30 PM | Afternoon Rain
You lie back against me. Your face turns to mine. Your lips to mine, we start to kiss. My tongue along the edge of yours, your body starts to move against mine, your ass against the inside of my thighs.
You start to push onto me, and I into you. Our kiss continues, lips to lips, bodies moving together. Your fingers interlaced with mine, running my hands up the ouside of your thighs to your tits. My face in your hair, running my cheek up your neck, tasting your sweat
.
I grab your hips, sit up, and turn you around. My hands grab your hair, and you continue to ride. Our lips come together again. Your chest press's against mine, my arm around your back, I press you into me, push you back against the bed, and push into you. Your lips taste of sweat.
Repeated pulsations into you, you stop to taste me, and I you.
You start to shake, and moan as I hold you still until you can't pull away any longer. | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....Dear Diary thoughts
Posted: 3/23/2008 6:04:50 AM | Weeping Willow…..
I cannot sleep......the smell of the rain as well as the sound of the crackling swish blowing the heavenly tears upon my windows and walls and roof between me and the world outside.....that world which I seemed to be excluded from.....but not safe and secure from it either...
I rained my own tears.....felt the wetness run down my cheeks....onto my pillow...silently....no thrashing like the sounds from outside....but thrashing inside my being just as fiercely......
With a craving as intense as any desired food which is out of reach...I tasted the delicious satisfaction for only a brief moment before I realized it was not a taste at all...just another unfulfilled craving....out of reach also....not to be in my diet of life's pleasures...
Of the senses which create our completeness when imbibed, the mind lets the body think it is feeling the touch of another....the warmth of the body…the firmness of being held....security...serenity...calm with the safety of being swaddled with love.....
But it is not there....missing...empty...void…a cavern...dark and deep where the vacuum of despair begins to call out to anyone who may hear the silent cries....and care enough to lend a temporary caress...hug...kiss as gentle as if not to disturb a sleeping newborn by the new mother with her fragile new life dependant upon her....
I cry....I hurt....I am now the weeping willow whose branches sway in the wind...unbreakable like a strong Oak standing firm and making a statement of "Here I am... savor my strength!", or the towering Elm with leaves on branches providing shelter from the sun saying,"Come rest in the shade I provide", or any tree bearing fruit to sustain new life and old... not one which is beautiful with flowers all can admire, but an unit of nature ...out of place...no usefullness determined, except to appear to be weeping...for all the others who know not how to express the purposelessness felt..... and yet is a beauty unto it's own....
I am the weeping willow......
 ..... ...... | |
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| Raw and emotionally exposed....Dear Diary thoughts
Posted: 3/23/2008 6:59:51 PM | [there's a knock at the door]
[the door opens]
Yes, Mam may I inquire as to if you are the lady of this house?
'No Sir, I am the Lady's housekeeper. The madam of the house is ill, too many Easter treats, as you may imagine. How may I help you gentlemen this evening'
Yes Mam, well as you know, my friends, and I are in the area as of late patrolling, keeping the peace, all the while on the lookout for WMD's. We were at a corner shop a few moments ago, and the keeper informed us that the lady of this house was in earlier in the day. He said that she had come into sell him some meet, that he might use in his gyros, and chili. Believe me Ma'am, if that were all we would not have come 'round and disturbed you on this wonderful evening, yes ma'am, but he, the shopkeeper that is, said that it was his impression that the lady appeared under duress. We thought that we might come by, to see if there were any services that we might offer, that would help the lady to feel better. If we might discover that there is anything that may require further attention, that we might investigate. It would be of no hardshp to us to post a gaurd if someone is bothering the lady, ma'am.
'I can assure you Sir that the Lady of the house is only in duress as to the conditions that one might expect one to be under when one eats too many Easter treats'
Right Love, I couldn't help but notice on the way in that there were near a hundred chocolate eggs round that old tree stump, and off there into the road. Must have had quite a celebration this morn, ma'am.
'Yes Deary the children were at it out here, finding eggs and all that business. The Lady of the house is really quite a wonderful host. She really loves the children, goes all out you see. I'll get the children to clean those up after their dinner.'
Yes ma'am, it seems that one of them has also lost there wings in your hedgerow, along with a tooth, and some pocket change. I can retrieve the tooth for you, if you'd like. | |
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