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| | Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?Page 1 of 12 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12) | Me?
I first came here two years and small change ago. At that time I was widowed 14 years and had recently gotten out of a bad marriage (won't go into detail here but will explain if you email me) and I honestly, truly believed that by age 55, I had the inside track to meeting a good, mature, marriage minded woman by advertising that I wasn't afraid of marriage...................because didn't "everyone" LOL know that:
1. Women over 50 wanted to get married really badly.
1a. Women over 50 had learned (DON'T I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!) that superficialities like looks, height, machoism didn't work for them and so wanted to meet REAL men, GOOD men who weren't afraid to commit.
2. Men over 50 were scared of marriage unless it was marriage to some kid half their age.
Yeah, sure. In my mother's day and age but not this day and age. Man did I learn that things are still the same and that culture doesn't change as people get older.
That's how my expectations changed but did your expectations change and how if so? | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 4:29:21 PM | I have been in the dating arena only 4 years on various sites, 7 yrs. post-marriage (23 yr. union). it took maybe 2 months for me to realize that the best approach was to NOT have expectations. period.
setting goals, ultimatums, time lines, is not practical imo, as shit happens and then all our hopes and dreams get flushed down the relationship toilet and we are left with a huge gaping hole in our hearts....IF WE ALLOW IT.
not ALL are looking for the same- marriage, white picket fence, some are looking for companionship which is also essential for a good relationship in marriage.
I try not to generalize about the genders, as I don't see the population as a cookie-cutter Stepford kind of scoiety:
1. Women over 50 wanted to get married really badly.
1a. Women over 50 had learned (DON'T I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!) that superficialities like looks, height, machoism didn't work for them and so wanted to meet REAL men, GOOD men who weren't afraid to commit.
2. Men over 50 were scared of marriage unless it was marriage to some kid half their age.
we are unique individuals, are we not??
shouldn't we be afforded the respect that as the individuals we are entitled to?
also, age does not automatically equate maturity......
define REAL men, pls.
define good marriage-minded women, pls.
how does a man or woman that KNOWS that they do not want to enter into a committed relationship mean that they are AFRAID? I would think that all that means is that they are upfront and know what they DON'T want.
this is not a one-size-fits-all world....
oy
I'm done here. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 4:37:00 PM | Well...after two years on POF, I think you will expect the barrage of "Let me tell you" replies concerning:
• What is/is not in your profile and the accuracy of what is there
• Your attitude (what it is, what it should be)
• Your baggage and denial (insert 100 different disorders)
• Your Dependency/Arrogance and everything inbetween
• Financial issues
• Generalizations about women, and especially about women of certain age groups
• Lists from know-it-alls like me who aren't married 
All I have ever done and I can recommend is to find someone you can live with -- not "perfect", just someone you can live with, and you job is done. When you realize you're not TRYING to get her attention, TRYING to get her to call back, TRYING to work on any of a dozen issues---when you realize that you call anytime to do anything, and you're fairly accurate on what she does/doesn't like to do and what she does/doesn't like about you......
....you are ready to marry her and you might as well ask since that is your goal.
Many men and women have 100% the same goals, except they don't need the ceremony and paper. Some are smart enough to recognize they've found a good friend and lover, and stop looking at others.
The best thing is to have no expectations. Keep your goals and requirements, just drop the expectations, and recognize happiness when you find it. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 4:38:35 PM | | I don't think I had any expectations since my first day on POF. For me, it's just another venue of meeting people. Be it on POF, or any other dating site; church singles; Bingo parlors; bars; or on vacation, there will be those players out there. As far as the marriage thing goes, I've been divorced since 1987 (at the tender age of 31) and I'm in no rush to get married. While I'd love to have a special man in my life, I'm not miserable if I don't have a hot date lined up, or the fact that I'm not in a relationship. Life has treated me well. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 4:48:48 PM | "no expectations"
Yep, none whatsover. detached, impartial, above the fray (or at least "officially" so).
The chance of meeting someone for LTR are miniscule. So you better fulfill yourself in other aspects of your life while shelling out time and $$ for POF lottery tickets. :)
My expectations were higher, but they sure have come down. No big deal. Live and learn. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 5:21:45 PM | Mztaken,
No, I wasn't intending for this thread to be about my story. I gave my answer to my question and intend for others to give their answers to the question.
But you asked me a few questions so I feel its fair for me to answer them:
Again I repeat though that its my intent to make this a thread for you plural.
Yes, we are unique individuals but most of us follow the same culture and are led by that culture. In other words, its not through spontaneity that so many over 50 women of today are so cynical, so anti marriage like never before. Its happening through conditioning, through a social/cultural existing cynicism which tells women who had bad marriages that its "normal" or desirable thinking to want to be alone/to date casually/to live together for awhile/to let their lives pass without a mate............and at earlier times, women would have realized that they picked the wrong mates for the wrong reasons and would now want to be in good marriages so they would have looked for a more serious/mature/faithful sort of man instead of looking for what I feel is less than marriage.
That's my belief. You may differ with my belief and a forum is for exchanging of thought.............that's what we do here.
I had thought that women post 50 of today would be looking for good marriages. By that I mean SOME women, not all women so of course I had geared my ad to THOSE women who were marriage minded and not to (what I felt were the out of the ordinary) women who were past 50 and still wanted to date like they were kids.........and of course all it would take would be one woman who had marriage minded values..........but at least in NY, seems like that woman doesn't exist on POF or other sites.
Define real men? Ok, I mean to say an imperfect man like myself who isn't a post 50's GQ model, macho type of guy. As in let's get real! I'm not asking for looks, a slim or large breasted/wasp waist kind of post 50's (or younger) woman, nor does she have to be some even tempered sweetheart who always understands, who makes over 100K, who cooks like Julia Child etc.................No, I ask for a flawed, imperfect woman because that is REAL life and if a man can't be happy with a HUMAN wife then don't get married. I'm an imperfect man and a good man, I have my quirks, I have my faults, I accept and I expect the same in a wife.
Good marriage minded woman means a woman who has what I feel are steady, serious, mature values. She works, she isn't fast lane, she enjoys watching a movie together and holding each other, likes a good dinner out at a family restaurant, values a spouse and her family, doesn't try to be what she isn't.
Now I mentioned men over 50 who were afraid of marriage. That at one time was (or maybe still is) the stereotype of men which came at one time from post 50's women who at that time (ten years ago? five years ago was it?) that men over 50 were frustrating them (they were women who had stated that they wanted to get married again) and they stated that men over 50 were frustrating them because the men over 50 didn't want to get married, they only wanted sex and only wanted sex with girls young enough to be their daughters.
Remember those days?
Why are men like that afraid to get married? Well because marriage to an imperfect woman our age is the only realistic opportunity. Babe chasing is an impossible fantasy. As I see it, there's a fear there that stops someone from accepting something possible and pushes that person into unrealistic fantasy.................a fear or a stubborn inability to change. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 5:54:23 PM | ok, I lied..........reconsidered-not lied, that I am done here. 
I have to take your words as ones from a man that has ONLY marriage as a goal in his golden years.
I am a 'golden yeared' 57 year old woman, spawned 2 fine respectable, responsible, law-abiding sons, have an amicable relationship with my ex and any ex-bf's (as it were), and I will leave you to your world of "seeking a wife at all costs". good luck in your quest. I truly mean it.
I am a steady, serious woman with mature values (? I will google that one), I work full time, pay taxes, don't live in the fast lane, I enjoy quiet time with a man, I love dinner, movies, music, and plays with said man, all the while valuing family and the meaning of friends, and I am ME--whatever that is, and not that of what I am not (will google that one, too).
I have been able to attain and maintain all this while in a mutually agreed upon exclusive relationship with a 'golden yeared ' man of 62, as of late, and we are not considering marriage for personal reasons--ALSO by mutual agreement...NOT out of fear!!! LOL
bottom line, marriage is not for all, nor the ultimate dream for everyone. thank goodness for diversity and CHOICE.
btw, your choice of words tickle me:
As I see it, there's a fear there that stops someone from accepting something possible and pushes that person into unrealistic fantasy.................a fear or a stubborn inability to change.
lol........no comment  | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 5:56:49 PM | I came here about two years ago expecting nothing really. The advice of a good friend from another site sent me here as a place to do a little writing and meet some new people – and I, at the time, had the time and the wish to do both. I was really expecting nothing more than that. But what happened is not only did I find a place to do a bit of writing, but I also met some fabulous people who’ve turned out to be very good and dear friends. There was also the ‘dating aspect’, which has turned out to be a very pleasant experience indeed. And I think that because I came here expecting nothing, it helped me avoid the disappointments of expectations broken. And because my experiences were always more than what I expected, my attitude stayed positive. And I think it’s this attitude, formed from having no expectations, that has made my experiences generally very positive on POF. Yes, there were a few bumps, a few ‘not so nice’ experiences in the last two years, but as I look back on them, they were generally minor and mostly forgotten now.
cdn guy | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:00:02 PM | Maybe you're right.
Maybe finding the kind of realistic marriage I'm looking for IS an unrealistic fantasy in THIS cynical day and age and maybe I AM afraid that this is so.
2008! I weep for the antimarriage, cynical culture that you are. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:07:41 PM | is it really cynical to not place all ones hopes and dreams on another person? aren't we responsible for our own happiness and what we get from life?
why is this generation any more cynical than another? if anything, maybe the sexes have evolved to learn to stand on ones own two feet and not expect a potential partner to carry our happiness load. I hope that makes sense......as I'm running out of steam here.
a valuable lesson learned for me was that we should not look to another for "rescuing".
words to ponder, methinks. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:14:08 PM | Came here a bit over a year ago. Expected that I might meet peeps to talk with and maybe someone to love, and maybe get loved back. Met lots of friends, peeps I care about. Close to "romance" a couple of times, and once: the jackpot, which just gets better n better. So, no, my expectations haven't changed. But I wasn't laying a lot of emotional cash on the line right up front, either. Let the hand play out as it was dealt. Luck of the draw, perhaps. . . .
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:15:36 PM | Are we meant to be alone? Are we responsible for our own happiness or do we share and do we each make ourselves a part of a mate's happiness?
Mz, you have your values and I have mine. And my values as well as yours ought to be examined by more than just the advocates of your values.
I believe that it is cynical and selfish to think that you are responsible for your own happiness. Man and woman were meant to share the responsibility for happiness as mates for one another.
You may disagree with me. It's your right to but let's allow both sides to express themselves and with enough respect as to examine each POV without getting too PERSONALLY emotionally about it.
I'm done with this discussion. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:22:47 PM | Geez, MM55, LIGHTEN UP!
So what if you're over 5o and what's with the generalizations??? Changing the attitude will change your life in all areas.
People limit themselves SO much by thoughts and words...and don't even realize it! Start seeing the sunshine that's around you....
I have only been here for 3 months...but serendipity lead me to a wonderful man I am now getting to know! He's like sunshine on a cloudy day! He's an angel. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:45:15 PM | Sue,
MORE cliches. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH :)
I saw the sunshine around me when I got away from that bad now ex wife (see other posts, I'm div as well as widowed) and I saw the subshine when I first started doing the internet mating sites..................And I saw the sunshine when I started dating women. And I saw the sunshine when I got dumped (NOT for being "desperate", I wasn't playing that role, just showing them a nice time, caring, good conversation etc). And I saw the sunshine when I met new women, and I saw the sunshine when they dumped me..............And I saw the sunshine when I met more new women.................
And finally after the last time I got dumped (for being a nice guy who had ALL the attributes to be a great husband WHICH WAS WHY SHE KEPT SEEING ME ALTHOUGH SHE DIDN'T FEEL ANY CHEMISTRY) I finally couldn't see the sunshine anymore.
Although I still keep dating.
Any more cliches? I'll gladly expose all cliches for the illogic they are but not on THIS post, please..................I have another one here called Musing. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:42:04 PM | Regarding romantic connection - my expectations have lowered since joining POF.
The silver lining to this cloud, though, are the wonderful minds I've come across on the forums - and *that* was not expected on day one. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 9:30:18 PM | Geez, I can't believe this:
2 years, 4 years, 6 years a dollar
all for staying here stand up and holler.
I certainly do not intend to hang around more than 6 months let alone 6 years. And sorry to disappoint you lady but there are guys out there who are not afraid of tying knots with damsels - and note that I said damsels, not grannies - over 50. Of course you have to quit looking for Robert Redford and Paul Newman, both of whom are over the hill anyway. But if you're looking for someone to chase you and not your grandkids around the room, there are lots of us here.
In the unlikely event that my expectations are not met, i.e if it shall come to pass that the one I seek does not reside herein then I will just shop elsewhere. If one car dealer doesn't have the model you want try another. Life is a shopping center and only the stupid or misinformed customer ends up with something they did not want in the first place, don't like after they get it or goes home empty handed. In the latter instance you have to wonder - maybe they were just window shopping. Most people I know don't hang out at the mall for a year or more if the store with the merchandise they want isn't located there. They find one that has what they need and want. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 10:07:16 PM | MM55, I forgot to mention....TONE along with WHAT you say, makes all the difference...
You may never know what will happen once YOU change your 'tude.
And when is letting in the sunshine a cliche? It's real...it's called a positive attitude(the 'tude)...Instead of "Do the Dew"....it should be "Get the 'tude!" | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/16/2008 10:33:50 PM | MzTaken & Sue: I think each of you is very comfortable and realistic about what you seek and what you have found, glad to hear it!!
MM55: From your responses to the posts here, I suspect that it is YOU who are cynical. You came to POF and other sites expecting marriage-minded women to leap into your ready arms, but somehow it didn't work out ( no one to blame here ), but because it didn't work, NOW you want to BLAME SOCIETY and call THEM cynical, when it is YOU who have changed your attitude from confident and eager to pessimistic and blame-throwing.
These two women do not blame society for the way they are living. They aren't cynical at all. They are willing to gather the elements of life they want by shopping piecemeal where they can find it and putting it all together themselves-------rather than going to the supermarket for everything, complaining that the milk isn't fresh, and then condemning the whole store.
I'm sorry you find it hard to find what you want. Perhaps if you hire a live-in caretaker, after a time she will be more content to marry you rather than receive a paycheck for the same chores? | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/17/2008 1:43:35 AM | In answer to the question put forth by the original poster I don't know that I had any expectations when I joined POF. I was never on a dating site before so I did not know what to expect. POF is lots of fun .
Have you ever been to a bingo hall? Those people know how to have a good time! BINGO halls are packed with women. Many around are helpful, so if you have questions, ask! There is a whole lot more to this Bingo culture than meets the eye! It's a big mix of people (not just senior citizens) LOL You just might hit the Wife jack pot at the bingo hall. You might want to try your luck there. You have to go often. You can’t expect to meet somebody the first night no but in time you just might meet your next new wife at the bingo hall. And if you really are lucky she might turn out to be the love of your life. In the mean time before you meet your new wife you can have some fun playing bingo with all those FUN gals at the hall. Maybe you don’t like playing bingo? Keep an open mind Because of the HUGE numbers of women who frequent bingo halls you are bound to hit the jackpot sooner or later .You just might find your dream wife at the bingo hall near you. So are you feeling lucky?
BINGO!
Also, in order to be an effective BINGO player you have to buy a special BINGO "dabber"(the darker the color the better), kind of like a giant marker with a large circular tip. This helps you mark the BINGO boxes efficiently.
Also,
Avoid bingo if a black cat crosses your path on your way to the bingo hall.
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:51:41 AM | I've been dating for 11 years! On POF I think for a little over 2.
Same men on here as in some other sites.
I like real life better for the most part.
I don't like freshly divorced men or scaredy cat men who hide behind their computer, their kids, etc.
I enjoy the forums & posting.
I wasn't delusional when I 1st went on POF & I'm not delusional now either. As far as many other people on here don't let me burst your bubble | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/17/2008 4:31:04 AM | I expected to see opinionated jerks and it happened.
I expected to be misunderstood and it happened.
I expected to see people pump up their egos with false images and it happened.
I expected to see those that wouldn't settle for less and they remain unsettled.
I expected to see justifications for maintaing 'superior' attitudes and it happened.
I expected to see sad people and it happened.
I expected to see funny people and it happened.
I expected to see dateable people to find dates and it happened.
I expected to see people unable to get relationships and it happened.
I expected to see people that can't maintain a relationship and it happened.
I expected to find some one and it happened.
Nope, my expectations haven't changed, I think those with realistic attitudes to find someone to relate with rather quickly and those with unrealistic attitudes get perturbed when it doesn't.
I expect exceptions to anything I expect. | |
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| Did Your Expectations Change Since Your First Day On POF?
Posted: 3/17/2008 5:25:30 AM | When I joined POF, I had expectations that from the huge "fishing" pool of men, I would find at least "one" compatable man to connect with. It hasn't happened yet, but my attitude remains positive.
Positive people are attracted to other positive people......and so it goes. | |
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