| taking off child support
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:52:30 AM | This may sound like a bit of a rant, but I'm curious if this is common - or my ex is 'especially' ignorant. . .
I've been divorced for a year now - and have sole custody of my ex's and my child. In the past year my ex has frequently 'taken off' from paying child support - for various reasons. 'His car needed repairs' - so he didn't pay in June or July. 'He was laid off' - so he didn't pay for September or October. Overall in the last year he has paid less than $1500 in child support - $50 since November. And when and if he 'starts up' paying again - he will literally see it as starting off fresh - no arrearage - because he 'couldn't afford it'.
We have no formal agreement - and I haven't pushed the issue because even when he has been working, I make significantly more than he does - but I do feel he should contribute SOMEthing. (I suppose I also resent that his family sees nothing wrong with this.)
I am just wondering if anyone else has had their NCP see child support as a 'when and if I can' sort of obligation. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:57:45 AM | Nearly everytime I have heard of people trying to do it this way it doesn't work out...either the CP wants more here and there and is ready with a hand out or the NCP defaults on the agreement.
My advice... get yourself into court and make it formal. This way everyone is protected and being held accountable! | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:59:53 AM | no formal agreement? go ahead and fix that now.
DSS will handle all the hard work for you. free.
other wise it always something. it will always be something | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/18/2008 12:05:20 PM | | What child support?! If you have no formal agreement or court order then I suppose your ex has a point. You apparently did not feel/think you needed it at the time the two of you split the sheets or you WOULD have a formal agreement/court order. Child support isn't about who should do what. It is about what is required for the best interests and well-being of the child. If you don't need the money in order to secure that for the child, then don't gouge the man or resent his family for him not living up to some bar in your imagination which you failed to put on paper for the world to acknowledge. There are a lot of divorced parents out there struggling to provide for their children without the assistance of the other parent who probably would take offense at such quibbling. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/18/2008 12:06:49 PM | | Well, if you do not have a court ordered support arrangement then he doesn't have anything in arrears and he IS starting fresh each time. There isn't anything legally saying he needs to pay such and such amount each month. If you want to keep track and you want to have him build up arrears, then I suggest you take it to court to get a court ordered child support payment. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/18/2008 4:46:20 PM | Well you need a courts order so that the government could go after him. They may even go after for the time before the court order went into effect. If they can do it where the guy doesn't even know he had a child and charge back support for years they can do it when he knows.
As for why he is not paying - needing to repair the car, too bad pay the support and take the bus. Getting laid off - if he doesn't have a job how exactly was he supposed to pay? I don't think its fair that he should have to pay for those months he was laid off but don't worry the courts will see otherwise and you will get your money. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:21:42 PM | op..consider yourself lucky that he paid you child support....mine never ever for two years now..not even a single penny , my children one toddler and one preschoolers, I am supporting them all by myself.
As for government could go after him?...nothing...i have court order in place but they can't do anything, he changed job all the time, change address all the time so how can a government can go after him?...he never even filed his tax returns to avoid giving his kids money. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/19/2008 4:58:38 AM | | Nope...my kid's father has never missed a payment, even when he was layed off from work. He gets side jobs to help out. His kids come first. I am very fortunate, after reading some of the stories here. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:34:33 PM | | Yes, take him to court, as soon as you file, that's usually the date they count to set the date to when child support should start. i'm suprised that you didn't go thru child support when you got the divorce and child custody settled. I didn't check your profile, so perhaps it's different if you're in canada or another country. At least you have the child credit tax to use to help support the kids. It's a shame that he isn't putting much effort, but be proud that you can provide for your child and his that'snot related to you. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:38:37 PM | My X's income does fluctuate and he occasionally shorts me $50 or $100 but he always makes it up on the following check. If it is not going to keep me from paying a bill, big whoop and I can usually juggle something if I have to. If I can help him when things are tight I will because with the way my business cash flow is, I have had to ask him for $100 a week before the child support was due, and he usually takes it out of that if I haven't made arrangements to pay it back within two days when something clears my bank.
Seems like you have tried to be understanding and the attitude of his family just pours salt on the wound but even if they told him he was a jerk for not busting ass to make those support payments, he would probably not change. Some people only obey the letter of the law, not the spirit of what is ethically correct. Since your X has no respect for his own kids you should get a court order. People should not be allowed to be parents when it is convenient. I have my kids 24/7, 365. I do not get any time off nor do I get to say, oops, don't want to pay the rent this month. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/19/2008 10:53:18 PM | | Well I know from experience. Were we married to the same man cause that is exactly what mine is doing also and has done. I am owed 15,000 and see no chance of getting anything but my son who is 15 has disowned him as his father. He tells people that his father is dead...........We need someone who has the nads to get us the support that we need. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/20/2008 6:54:50 AM | | OP, I can understand trying to be amicable about things and I know that a court order often doesn't mean diddly if a guy wants to avoid paying support. Are you not filing because you don't want the family talking about you since they see nothing wrong with his paying if and when he wants? If that is the case, although I understand it hurts, suck it up and do what is right for your kids. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/20/2008 7:15:04 AM | My mother is going through almost exactly the same thing with my sisters dad. A few years ago they split up, he got remarried and moved to the other side of Canada. He rarely ever calls my one sister, and usually only to start up trouble, never sends anything for them (birthdays, christmas, etc) and never visits. He also never pays child support. There's always an excuse, I'm laid off, my cars broke, I'm only working part time and I have a wife and her three kids to feed too. Every few months, he sends the mothly cheque of about 400 dollars. My mum gets around 1200 dollars a year for her two teenage children. I don't feel this is right AT ALL. I can see, for an honest hard working father, who regularily pays child support, to be let off the hook once in a while when work starts cutting back hours or there's a serious problem in his side of the family. But for these dads who only pay when they feel like it, it's not fair. It's not even just the mothers who suffer, raising two kids, one kid, five kids, whatever, all on her own salary, but the kids suffer too, because it IS the fathers responsilibity. I'm terribly sorry to hear you're going through this, but there's a million single mum's out there going through the same thing, so you're not alone. So far my kids dad and I are doing well, he doesn't see her much (by HIS choice) but he calls regularily and will send money when I ask for it, and however much I ask for, so I don't push child support, which I wouldn't get anyways because he's not legally working.
I think governments everywhere need to relook over single mothers and fathers, change some of the tax bebefits around and ride those dead beats mums and dads for child support. I think with regular child support a lot of mothers wouldn't be on welfare, having that extra couple hundred dollars a month would go a long way towards child care to get the parent back to work. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:08:45 AM | | OP, What you have IS a "when and if I can" arrangement. He's not in the wrong. He contributes when he can and when he wants to. You've allowed that so you really don't have any right to complain. It's sad that his children aren't more important but that's another topic. Go to court if you want him to officially OWE child support. He doesn't as of now. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/20/2008 10:48:07 AM | | You may have felt comfortable with your amicable split and handshake support agreement and you're not the only one who felt this way when you were in the throes of the divorce. But, as many others have stated, you have to get it in writing via a court order otherwise you'll never change this cycle. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/22/2008 11:24:13 PM | I agree with a large portion of the people posting...
Get a court ordered agreement - No enforcement/maintenance agency will accept the excuse of "my car broke down" to not pay...They also don't joke around when the payor misses so many payments, at least in Canada, before they'll freeze the payor's bank accounts/garnish their paychecks... | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 3/23/2008 12:03:56 AM | At the moment, my divorce isn't final, and there is no formal order for child support. I currently pay what I can when I can. However, the only times that I haven't paid a full amount of what is the agreed upon approximate amount was when I abosultely couldn't. (Much like when we struggled to pay the bills while still living together.)
Once, there was nothing in my bank account, I was living in somebody else's house and eating their food, and didn't even have money for gas. As soon as I got some money in, I paid 2 payments worth to my ex to help her get as caught up as possible.
The other time, I needed the money to cover a health insurance payment to avoid her and I both (since we're still legally married) from incurring substantial debt. Again, as soon as I could, I covered the rest.
Recently, I paid a reduced amount because she said she didn't need much due to our tax return. However, as soon as I collect money owed to me, I'm giving her more.
Since this guy doesn't seem to be interested in doing what's in the best interest of the kids, an informal agreement probably won't work long-term. In fact, even though I feel I am trying to act in the best interest of my kids, I want a more formal agreement. This prevents me from feeling like she's taking advantage of me or wondering if I should be paying more. (Even with the formal agreement, I'm still likely to help out with unanticipated kid-related expenses whenever I can.) | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:05:38 PM | Get a court order for child support & register it with the Family Responsibility Office as that will help him with the RESPONSIBILITY end of things. Even if you can make it on your own, at least this way (with the court order) he will have no choice but to pay. You can save it for your childs education :)
My ex will only pay when his wages get guarnisheed, which REALLY pisses him off! I've learned to get by without his (lack of) support. It's not easy, the kids & I do without a lot of things (NO car)...but at least we have a roof over our heads & food on the table! Plus, I am totally debt free.....I handle my finances very well! Thank god neither myself or my kids are high maintenance or we'd be screwed :) He has always truly believed that child support should be given whenever that person WANTS to pay it....not taken from him!
After 10 years of his BS, I no longer bother with arguing over money with him...let the government take care of that for me :) Of course, I do manage to get a few lovely phone calls from him, once in a while, raging over how much money they are taking off his paycheck. I feel soooooo sorry for him....NOT :)
You see, this way with the court order/FRO, you don't have to bother with him at all :) | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:22:53 PM |
I am just wondering if anyone else has had their NCP see child support as a 'when and if I can' sort of obligation.
I have. My ex owes thousands of dollars. He is only in the state because they went and got him. Long story. But he's been back now for two years and just got a job 3 weeks ago. I reduced the amount owed by $18,000 (one third of the total debt) two years ago to make payments easier for him, and yet now he's almost incurred that much from not working this whole time. He's always, for the last 12 years, saw his monetary (and up till he came back his physical) parental obligations as a 'when and if I can' sort of obligation.
My advice? If you make 'significantly more' than he does, and you can get by, I think it's just easier for all involved to not get so mired down in the money. It's one thing to keep on it if you are having a hard time paying your bills and providing for your child, it's another thing if it's just a token. Life's too short. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:56:39 PM | Agreements very rarely work out well.. Get the court order and they will
take out the child support and have it deposited directly into your account.
Saves so much time and less worry on your part whether you will be getting
some agreement money from him... | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 6/25/2008 10:14:33 PM | Generally, child support is something that is mandated by law - order or no order. (it varies from state to state).
If you have enough, speak to an attorney - they will go after the support that you should have been receiving (assuming you're divorced) and you may be due back child support from him. At a minimum, your state has a child support department that is there to help you with child support from the NCP - they will assist you in filling out the papers, they collect from the NCP and they help ensure that you're getting a fair amount in support - their services are all but free, though they're not as good as a competent attorney, they will certainly help. (in pennsylvania the web page for Child Support enforcement is http://www.humanservices.state.pa.us/CSWS/ )
Most states don't allow you to forego child support, period... Your agreement with him is probably not even legal - your kid could sue him for back child support when they turn 18 if they so chose!
Get legal advice and get a court order - that way there's no question on what's owed and there's no excuses - they'll take it out of his paycheck... | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 6/26/2008 1:08:21 AM |
My advice? If you make 'significantly more' than he does, and you can get by, I think it's just easier for all involved to not get so mired down in the money. It's one thing to keep on it if you are having a hard time paying your bills and providing for your child, it's another thing if it's just a token. Life's too short.
Wait...
Simmah, I don't understand. I've heard that you single mothers were only after money.
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| taking off child support
Posted: 6/26/2008 2:04:37 AM | There ya go breaking stereotypes Simmah.
Might have to point out though that the OP could be perpetuating it. Since the guy does pay when he can and isn't off living the high life while ignoring responsibilities. Were I in the OP's shoes I'd be more concern as to if the guy was spending enough time with the kid, does he celebrate holidays and birthdays with the kid and so on, than over a few months of arrears since it isn't really hurting the childs' standard of living. | |
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| taking off child support
Posted: 6/26/2008 3:47:55 AM | Well, it's your own fault that you don't have a formal agreement.
Now, if he was truly laid off then EVEN IF you had an agreement, he could report a change of circumstance and if he could prove he was unemployed, most often then not they will not make him pay. Same goes for getting the car fixed, in my state if you can prove that you have an extigent fee to pay, then they will reduce or even skip a few payments.
And yeah...I agree that people make things up to get out of paying CS, but if his circumstances were true, I think it is pretty messed up that you can't be a bit understanding of his situation. Especially since you make SIGNIFICANTLY more then he does.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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