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 Author Thread: Stephen King Knows Horror
 kuklops

Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 1
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Stephen King Knows Horror
Posted: 3/18/2008 6:48:24 PM
Have you noticed how badly written articles in newspapers has become or their headlines? It is quite apparent when viewing any web page that purports to be a news site. Recently I had written a piece pertaining to a tiger attack at the SF zoo and the 2 web sites I had read attempting to seriously convey details, failing miserably causing me no end to laughter. I truly believe the vast majority of all news accounts written are edited by aboriginal tribesmen that just have nothing better to do until they are needed to dig up more insects for their families to ingest! This also applies to advertisements which for some ungodly reason, will convey to you a completely different message then was originally intended. I can forgive these horrendous pieces of work if the writer is trapped in a room where the temperature is 15 degrees below zero with 4 ravenous, rabid shrews in his boxer shorts while having 7 different mind numbing Stephen King movies playing simultaneously! I viewed the movie “Room 1408” Saturday and had to be restrained from seeking out someone that would sell me Anthrax so I could mail to Mr. King sparing me any future possible brain damage if I accidentally view any of his work!

I had a friend take a few pictures of something I found quite humorous. It was a box that was seen at a local drug store. It displayed in bold letters “Dinosaur Replicas”. Is the word “Replica” really a necessity? If it were not on the box would we expect to have REAL dinosaurs jump from the box when it was opened? Well that was quite a small box so I am sure if real dinos were in the box, it would take at least 20 of the little buggers to attach themselves to your groin to cause any kind of damage or just watch a Stephen King movie and feel something for more excruciating then that!

I heard an advertisement on that radio that stated “BMWs most popular AWD vehicle the NEW BLAH BLAH BLAH…” One question, if it is NEW how can it be the most popular? I then remembered that Beemers are so expensive, they have time traveling devices installed in them so the NEW model could have been driven in different time periods, or so Stephen King says so!

A quick trip to the supermarket today also enlightened me when I was looking for something sweet to sate my cravings. I find a rather tasty looking pound cake and happen to read the label. One of the ingredients listed on the package stated “contains REAL artificial vanilla extract!” I felt as though I was in a parallel universe! I would have trepidation about purchasing the product is it contained UNREAL artificial vanilla extract. There was a feeling experienced at the moment as if someone were standing close to me, near my right shoulder. It was Stephen King and he grabbed a pound cake and mumbled something about “This will make a great horror story…..”

After I had left the market I had a few more errands to run. I was driving down Bascom Ave. and I saw a sign posted by the side of the road obviously placed there by the beauty salon located in the nearby strip mall. Sign read “Ears pierced - while you wait!” Damn and I was going to just drop mine off and pick them up on the way home. A trip to Target was just a fruitful when I happened to have to walk through the ladies department to get to the men’s department. I saw a display with stockings on sale and under the price was printed “Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else” After reading that line I waited around for 35 minutes hoping to observe any woman just wearing stockings, walking around leisurely unfortunately all I saw was a 534 pound woman wearing spandex pants and a nylon top. Needless to say 45 minute later an employee found me huddled behind the woman’s double D cup bra rack, shaking, in the corner crying. I wish Stephen King had seen that! He would know what REAL horror is!

My travels took me past auto mall parkway, where salesmen assault you at stop lights attempting to get you to buy a car from them. It has gotten so bad; I do not feel guilty anymore about shooting them in the face at point blank range with pepper spray! You can tell how far American car manufactures have sunk when you drive past the Pontiac dealership and see “Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.” That kind of sums the American car buying experience!

Finally I am on my way home and as I sit at a red stop light I see a sign nailed to a telephone pole “Illiterote? Write for free information!” This did not seem like something I would want to pursue but if I read just 2 more King novels I will have incurred enough irreparable brain damage that it will make complete sense to me!

My day ends with of course the wondrous world of Craigslist. Gazing at ads as I click on hyperlinks I find the following:

Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children. I will have to agree with that one. I find children very delicious especially when barbequed with KC Master Piece sauce with the BOLD taste!

For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. After examining the picture of the desk I was positive a woman with thick legs and large drawers could us it. I wish I had seen this ad before meeting the 534 pound woman in spandex.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. It is DAMN nice to see someone thinks their grandmother is in beautiful condition. She can now be sold on the white slavery market to Nike making their Tennis shoes with the rest of the child slave labor force working 16 hours a day for 1 pea with a human hair on it! You can just hear the bosses walking around with their cat o nine tails saying “NIKE! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!”

One more thing before I turn in for the day. Upon looking through ads online I come across one for a vacation spot. “Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.” Lately I have been horribly dehydrated so I may take them up on this offer. I am sure I will run into Mr. King there and he will be writing a variation of “The Lawn Mower Man” and it will be Stephen King’s “The Pool Man!” Stephen King DOES know horror!
 FredHH

Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 2
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Stephen King Knows Horror
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:00:10 PM
A commentary about bad writing starts out with a grammatical mistake in the first paragraph....


Have you noticed how badly written articles in newspapers has become or their headlines?


I didn't bother reading further. I'm not as good about picking litterary work apart as Samuel Clemmons was.



Mark Twain,
Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses (1895)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Pathfinder and The Deerslayer stand at the head of Cooper's novels as artistic creations. There are others of his works which contain parts as perfect as are to be found in these, and scenes even more thrilling. Not one can be compared with either of them as a finished whole.

The defects in both of these tales are comparatively slight. They were pure works of art.--Prof. Lounsbury.

The five tales reveal an extraordinary fullness of invention.

. . . One of the very greatest characters in fiction, "Natty Bumppo." . . .

The craft of the woodsman, the tricks of the trapper, all the delicate arts of the forest were familiar to Cooper from his youth up.--Prof. Brander Matthews.

Cooper is the greatest artist in the domain of romantic fiction in America.--Wilkie Collins.



IT SEEMS to me that it was far from right for the Professor of English Literature at Yale, the Professor of English Literature in Columbia, and Wilkie Collins to deliver opinions on Cooper's literature without having read some of it. It would have been much more decorous to keep silent and let persons talk who have read Cooper.

Cooper's art has some defects. In one place in Deerslayer, and in the restricted space of two-thirds of a page, Cooper has scored 114 offenses against literary art out of a possible 115. It breaks the record.

There are nineteen rules governing literary art in the domain of romantic fiction--some say twenty-two. In Deerslayer, Cooper violated eighteen of them. These eighteen require:

1. That a tale shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere. But the Deerslayer tale accomplishes nothing and arrives in air.

2. They require that the episodes in a tale shall be necessary parts of the tale, and shall help to develop it. But as the Deerslayer tale is not a tale, and accomplishes nothing and arrives nowhere, the episodes have no rightful place in the work, since there was nothing for them to develop.

3. They require that the personages in a tale shall be alive, except in the case of corpses, and that always the reader shall be able to tell the corpses from the others. But this detail has often been overlooked in the Deerslayer tale.

4. They require that the personages in a tale, both dead and alive, shall exhibit a sufficient excuse for being there. But this detail also has been overlooked in the Deerslayer tale.

5. They require that when the personages of a tale deal in conversation, the talk shall sound like human talk, and be talk such as human beings would be likely to talk in the given circumstances, and have a discoverable meaning, also a discoverable purpose, and a show of relevancy, and remain in the neighborhood of the subject at hand, and be interesting to the reader, and help out the tale, and stop when the people cannot think of anything more to say. But this requirement has been ignored from the beginning of the Deerslayer tale to the end of it.

6. They require that when the author describes the character of a personage in the tale, the conduct and conversation of that personage shall justify said description. But this law gets little or no attention in the Deerslayer tale, as "Natty Bumppo's" case will amply prove.

7. They require that when a personage talks like an illustrated, gilt-edged, tree-calf, hand-tooled, seven-dollar Friendship's Offering in the beginning of a paragraph, he shall not talk like a negro minstrel in the end of it. But this rule is flung down and danced upon in the Deerslayer tale.

8. They require that crass stupidities shall not be played upon the reader as "the craft of the woodsman, the delicate art of the forest," by either the author or the people in the tale. But this rule is persistently violated in the Deerslayer tale.

9. They require that the personages of a tale shall confine themselves to possibilities and let miracles alone; or, if they venture a miracle, the author must so plausibly set it forth as to make it look possible and reasonable. But these rules are not respected in the Deerslayer tale.

10. They require that the author shall make the reader feel a deep interest in the personages of his tale and in their fate; and that he shall make the reader love the good people in the tale and hate the bad ones. But the reader of the Deerslayer tale dislikes the good people in it, is indifferent to the others, and wishes they would all get drowned together.

11. They require that the characters in a tale shall be so clearly defined that the reader can tell beforehand what each will do in a given emergency. But in the Deerslayer tale, this rule is vacated.


www library.csi.cuny edu/dept/history/lavender/fclo.html (2 periods replaced with spaces) for the whole article.
 slashdot

Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 3
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Stephen King Knows Horror
Posted: 3/19/2008 6:24:46 PM

I didn't bother reading further. I'm not as good about picking litterary work apart as Samuel Clemmons was.


LOL
 FredHH

Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 4
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Stephen King Knows Horror
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:33:38 PM
I type therefore I typo
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