| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 11:41:28 AM | My Ex (divorced) has accepted a job out of state and he'll definitely be unable to see the kids for at least 3 months. I am really concerned about how this will affect my 9 yr old daughter and especially my 13 yr old son. Boys need strong male role models in their lives and unfortunately I don't have any nearby male relatives to pick up the slack if he needs advice or any guy time.
Although their Dad and I have a very strained relationship I have made every effort to give him access to the kids at any time. We always put them ahead of our differences. They love their Dad very much and other than nightly calls I am not sure what else to do to help them through this. The divorce and moving from our home has been hard enough on them and now this.
I also fear for my finances, he has not always been on time with his court ordered child support payments and the stress is getting to me. I don't mind working a second job if I have to, but I don't want the kids to never see me either. Any advice? | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 11:57:54 AM | carolann0308 I feel for you. I'm a divorced father of two sons and I made it a point to be there at all times. That included child support and alimony payments! Today my two sons are self sufficient and well adjusted young men.
That is why when I hear of situations like the one you are going through - gets my blood boiling.
First thing... Has he been there for his children up to now? Sadly - if he hasn't really been there for his children - there is not much you can do about his direct involvement from a relational / parental perspective.
But from a financial standpoint there is much you can do. If he has a social security number and does not get paid under the table... He can run but he sure as hell can't hide!
Use the legal system to your advantage. In fact - the more he resists - the nastier it can become for him.
Can you say...
Garnishment of wages! Yep the government will take your support payments out of his check automatically!
Yep - get going. If he has been late on his payments - the only one that can ensure that he does what is his responsibility is YOU!
And the beauty of all of this - the more he makes it difficult - the more the courts will have him pay for your legal representation!
Do it - I have no sympathy for fathers that like to make babies and then do not want to support them! | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 12:09:33 PM | I'm more concerned for the kids than me. He was a lousy husband but always a good Dad. He has been there for the kids and loves them dearly. Up until this Sunday he has never been more than a few blocks away. It is the loss of this contact and the bond between a Dad and his kids that worries me the most.
PS: Thanks for the incredibly wise and insightful advice Polara, as usual it is about as welcome as a sh1t sandwich  | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 12:16:13 PM | Use a webcam instead of just voices on the phone?
It'll be comforting if the kids can "see" their dad even at a distance - it's so much nicer if you can see the expression of the person you are talking to. we do this sometimes in my extended family as we live in different continents and it's loads better than just the phone.
Are there any clubs the kids could join like scouts or something for the role model issue? | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 12:24:23 PM | carolann I've seen your posts on many other threads and I've always valued your opinions so first allow me to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can tell you from personal experience that as a boy growing up with just my mom I think I've done pretty well for myself and I only have her to thank for this. Don't worry too much about the 'father figure' stuff....his fiends have dads that he'll watch and learn from. The finances can always seam troublesome and yes there will be a bit of a roller coaster ride till everything gets settled in with the new job but hopefully his new job comes with a better salary so if nothing else you will get things more regularly than you have in the past. As for how the kids will handle just be up front and open about everything......it could end up being till the end of summer till he gets settled in and has a chance for them to go visit him but it's only temporary and not the end of the world. Something that could help would be to get two web cams so the kids can not only talk with but also see their dad. Of course there are many factors involved with being able to do that but as long as he is going to have a computer with internet access you can get these things pretty cheep now a days. Also you said hes moving out of state but how far is it to where he's moving? Depending on how far it is could you take the kids for a weekend trip and drive out so they can see him after he's been there a couple of weeks? Drive out saturday morning, let the kids stay with him, you get a hotel room somewhere and have a mom's night out on the town. Pick them up sunday afternoon and then drive home. The kids will really appreciate at it, which is why we do what we do!!!! Good luck and God bless  | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 12:48:25 PM |
Big Brothers/Big Sisters!!!
While this is a great suggestion to infuse your son's life with a great male role model, the sad fact is that this program normally has a HUGE waiting list. I can tell you that local to me, there is an anticipated minimum of a year long waiting list for a big brother and I am told that is pretty standard. Sad really but the program needs more males willing to get involved.
Someone mentioned scouts as well...( I haven't figured out how to do multiple quotes yet  )
The really sad part is that the same can be said of many scouting programs. My son was in scouts for 4 years and not once did he have a male den leader...and for the last year, he didn't even have a male cubmaster. We moved around in packs to try to find one that was a fit for him and included more male role models and found the same thing time after time with more women stepping up to fill the roles that they could not find men to fill.
Have you discussed your concerns with your ex at all? What is his take on the situation and how is he planning on dealing with this? That is a really rough situation and I am sorry that your kids have to go through it...I would say the web cam idea might be the best one given so far as long as he is willing. I would also invest in a fax or scanner for at home if you don't already have one so that the kids school info can be sent to him real time and in real handwriting (he can see the actual test, or the handwritten homework assignment).
Good luck to you and them!
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:04:18 PM | CarolAnn – I’ve got to be honest – if he truly loves his children why hasn’t he come up with a plan to see the children on a regular basis. Maybe you can offer some sort of plan that would satisfy everyone and especially your children.
I’m not sure how far he is moving but even if he moves to the west coast there is no reason why he can’t make a sacrifice and fly back to see the kids. Certainly it will not be on a weekly basis but at the very least – on a monthly (or every two months) basis. You seem to be a reasonable person and I’m sure you would supplement some of the costs via his support payments.
If he is closer than that – he can make the trip more often. In the past I’ve experienced a long distance relationship. I would fly out every other weekend to visit my girlfriend. The point I’m making is – you would be surprised how cheap this can be if done with some planning ahead. I fly to Florida to visit family a few times a year for as low as $69 each way (Jet Blue is a terrific and cheap airline). Of course one needs to plan ahead for the cheap fares.
So if he loves his children – he will sacrifice for them. This can work but it takes effort! | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:23:33 PM | Why should she move, when he's the one that chose his work over his need to stay with his kids, obviously it's not a need for him since he chose to move away. At least with them staying there, they are around their friends and the environment. As well as changing jobs may not be easy as you think.
You can only suggest that he keeps a consistent schedule with calling them/emailing them, using a webcam. It may go that way for awhlie but he may slack off. Perhaps he can pick the kidsup and they can stay over the summer?
I would go to court and get the order changed since he's moving out of state and make requirements since things are different now, such as maybe garnishment since he hasn't paid you on time often, perhaps an increase since you'll have them full time with limited visitation. Being specifiic in paper of how long he has the kids, and if they can go on a plane alone, etc. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:35:15 PM | I do have to concur with not moving especially considering the ages of your children. The 13 year old is close to the age that he will soon have a much more active / social life with his friends. It's inevitable and unavoidable. If your children are like most children today - they will be spending less time with their parents. And the last thing you want to happen is to force a weekend with dad if the child has other plans or activities that he may be involved with.
This is not an easy situation but I do believe that it's the parents’ responsibility to assume the sacrifices.
Before you know it - they'll be grown up. And no one can make up the time once it is lost. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:48:16 PM | The Ex lost his job here in the northeast a few months ago and has been trying to find something locally or at least within a few hours drive for a while. He really believes moving for this company in Arkansas is his only option. He is in a very specified field and companies that do that level of engineering are not on every block. He loves his kids and if he says this is the only thing available right now, I do believe him. We moved across country 3 times for his job when we were married. I am done with moving, my entire family is in the Northeast and I need them for emotional support. The thirteen years we lived 2000 miles or more away from family were very hard on all of us. His job will involve international travel and training for the first few months, that is why there will be a three month window before he can come back to see them. If it was only a matter of a 3-4 hour plane ride he'd do it in a minute. But if you are in Korea or Malaysia for 6 weeks it's a rough commute.
My kids are both involved with school teams and outside activities so even though I will be crazy chauffeur lady for a while I am sure they will continue to be very busy after school.
The web cam is a great idea and I will look into it. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 2:07:36 PM | Yes the webcam does work to a point. I work for a company out of India and I have a few folks that work for me who have children back in India. Some have been away for 6 months at a time. They do use this technology though it's still a rough situation.
Arkansas is not far from the Northeast so when he eventually settles down - he can then plan more regular trips.
Your support payments should be supplemented especially considering the situation. It will cost you more when you add up everything including the taxi service (not to mention - no breaks for mom).
I do remember when my sons were involved with sports and other activities - my Outlook calendar had more appointments associated with them than my business dealings. But I would not have done it any other way!
I wish you all the luck and your efforts / sacrifices will be worth it! | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 3:11:18 PM | Carolann, I think your boys will be ok, they are old enough to logically understand all of it, but I do see why you're concerned. Are your boys involved in sports at all? Cub scouts or any groups? I highly recommend a book called The Wonder of Boys. In it, the author says that boys are like wolves, pack animals (if you will). And they also need 4 'families' to become well rounded, balanced individuals in adulthood. The core family is, the extended family, the church family, and then a societal family-like a sports team or boy scouts. It really is a good book. In your boys' case, if they're not involved in anything right now, I would say to try to get them busy. It will keep their mind off of missing their dad also. I don't know where you live, but the library is a great community resource, and also the chamber of commerce.
As far as child support payments go, again I don't know where you live, but I would call your family court service people right away and find out if you need an inter-state case worker. That's one thing that was to my detriment when my ex took off...I would call and report every new address, every new employer (because he was stupid enough to tell me but smart enough to keep one step ahead) and could get nothing done. Four years into it the supervisor said to me "well did you REQUEST an interstate case worker???" Gee....that wasn't in the handbook. lol Anyway, that's something to find out.
Best of luck to you and your boys, they are at a pivotal age to be losing their main male role model, but stability and love will do wonders for them--they've already got that. And if you have time, do check out that book-I recommend it to everyone with boys. Love it!
**edit** I see where you said they already are involved with sports, that's good. :) And I know how crazy it can get...I have almost figured out how to be in two places at the same time...but not quite there yet. lol | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 3:15:20 PM | Polara...moving is not an option. You are not taking into consideration the fact that if she moves with the kids, she will have to change their schools, doctors, everything that they are familiar and comfortable with. They have already had to move due to the divorce...moving again is just trauma that doesn't need to be inflicted.
I have to agree with another poster about a webcam...might be a good idea. Whatever you decide to do, you know you will do what is best for your kids. You are a good mom, don't ever forget that. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 6:37:44 PM | | Polara you have never been married, divorced or had children. So if you have nothing to add in either knowledge or experience to the forum then butt out. You really seem to have it in for single parents. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:17:31 PM | What if he gets another job in six months and moves again? How often does someone uproot themselves and their kids, and settle for a life as an appendage to someone they're no longer married to?
This isn't a question of how important her kids are to HER, but how important they are to HIM. If he chooses to go, you deal with it the best you can, and your kids will miss him but believe me they'll do fine. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:21:35 PM | | We are off topic and getting mired down in reactionary posts. Carolann, another good idea would be to stay in close touch with your boys' teachers and make sure they let you know if they see any out of character behavoir from your boys. Those teachers are with our kids every day and they know them pretty well. They might see something before you even do. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:26:12 PM | "I am really concerned about how this will affect my 9 yr old daughter and especially my 13 yr old son."
SimmahDahnNah, please read this from Carolann's OP.
~ds~ | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:30:40 PM |
I am really concerned about how this will affect my 9 yr old daughter and especially my 13 yr old son."
SimmahDahnNah, please read this from Carolann's OP
Oh....whoops! Sorry Carolann! lol | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:35:26 PM | CarolAnn has already stated that moving is not an option. Bringing up the issue and or criticizing her decision is not helpful.
For those that feel a compulsion to go beyond being hurtful... Well let's just say it's an indication of a miserable life hence why one may be in the position they find themselves in. But I'm digressing... and really not worth my keystrokes!
CarolAnn keep a stiff upper lip. Your son and daughter will be fine with a mom like you!
Kudos to you for attempting to review all your options and deciding what is best for your children... | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/20/2008 7:42:36 AM | Its funny how replying on a blog is a lot like playing telephone. Remember when we were kids and you would say something at one end and by the time it got to the other - well you get the idea.
Unless I've missed something - it seemed evident that moving was never, ever an option for CarolAnn. Hence I don't get 'beating a dead horse'.
She received a few good ideas that I believe she has realized may help her situation. This is the main reason why she posted her challenge in the first place.
Its funny how many people think logic plays a big part when one is involved in a divorce. It's funny how some believe everything is so evident as to what can and could be accomplished.
That type of thinking comes from the uninformed - the inexperienced and frankly maybe they should turn their logic upon themselves and ask...
What do I really know about this situation especially if I never, ever have personally experienced it?
It proves that one is never too late to re-evaluate their thinking and to never stop learning - even if one is getting older and older. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:00:09 AM |
she's only worried about HER stability.
As the custodial parent, is her stability not directly linked to the children's stability?
Is their stability not also linked to having extended family nearby?
It seems that you, Polara, are the one not looking at the entire picture. The more you type the more your ignorance of parenting and providing stability for children is apparent IMO...and judging by the reactions to your statements, I don't think I am the only one who sees it this way. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:00:57 AM | | From someone who was moved around all the time as a child- it is NOT in the childs best interest to uproot them. If the man is leaving why punish the child? | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:06:52 AM | Trollboy, I am the stability in their lives. Their Dad has had 7 jobs in 10 years. The odds of this one lasting more than a year or two is about 10-1. Definitely not enough for me to uproot the kids again especially when we are no longer married.
I've had 3 jobs in 20 years all long term with good companies and excellent benefits. My kids go to excellent New England schools and play team sports, and my daughter has taken ballet in the same studio for 6 years. Arkansas, just does not seem like a wise move, and has never been an option for me or them.
My question was simply, how to maintain a strong familial bond with a man that is flaky, but loves his kids. Webcam, email, phone calls will all be daily happenings. My brother in NY called my Ex last night and assured him that he'd be there for the kids in his absence and would be at my front door the same day if any problems occurred or I needed help. So my family is stepping up to the plate.
Now go back under your bridge little troll. | |
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| The Ex is moving out of state
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:14:11 AM |
Read all of my posts if you're going to comment. You just make yourselves look more foolish. I've already addressed (in more than one post) the uprooting aspect to this. Try again.
Yes you have, hence you seeming like an you are not looking at the entire picture. In every post you have addressed her "option to move," and how she is only thinking of her self...I would tend to say that this is the furthest thing from the truth by reading all of HER posts. | |
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