| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/20/2008 4:54:13 PM | I'm a fairly frequent browser of the single parent forums and I've begun to worry about our next generation of divorcees.
I mean, if it happened to us, 50/50 chance divorce will happen to our kids.
What kinds of life lessons have we taught them? Will they be more willing to "co parent" or will they be more likely to make an effort?
Is all the discussions in the world about child support, maintenance enforcement, visitations, dead beat moms and dads going to affect them and their relationships in the future?
I don't know exactly where I'm going with this but I wonder exactly what divorce will look like in the future for our kids. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:02:06 PM | | Well, what's happening is after seeing all the crap we had to put up with in divorce situations, more and more kids are basically choosing NOT to get married... | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:22:12 PM | I truly believe that Marriage is going the way of the Dinosaur. Seems to me that people cannot adhere to their commitments for more than a few years at a time, if that. That is not a blanket statement as there are legitimate reasons to leave a relationship. The fact that your bored or not happy in your position in life is not one of them.
I submit that if men and women spent as much energy on their marriage as they do seeking outside involvement (affairs), the divorce rate would plummet. Seriously, think about the 250.00 dress and primp time for a gal whose going to meet her OM at some secret place, or the money spent on flowers and gifts by the men boinking their secratary. Yet at home with their spouse they put ZERO energy making sexy for her "H" or stopping to grab some wine and flowers for the "W".
In the mean time, the kids are just in the way. That is SAD!! | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/20/2008 6:00:29 PM | I think my children have learned to choose more wisely. I have apologized to them for picking someone that has not been the best father on the planet outside monetary support but they also know that their dad was weird, seemed to go to extraordinary lengths for their half brother an hour and a half away and yet could not drive three blocks to see their programs or sporting events. So they have learned that the best way to deal with divorce is to not need one.
My daughter is 16, a sophomore. We have talked about how to identify now, the type of guy she would probably want in her life long-term. The kid that is planning on college, watch how he treats his mother, how his father or stepfather treats his mother, whether he is more concerned about how she feels or what his friends will think of him. With my boys, I tell them to pick girls that are also going somewhere, that have enough self-respect to dress decently, to also see how the mother and father interact and to never put a girl in a position to be doing something she does not want to and/or is not ready to do. Everyone they date, they could fall for and how many people at 18 or 20 have the foresight and the courage to stay away from someone they love just because they know it is the smart thing to do?
I hope that all of my children considering marriage will go to premarital counseling because there are many, many questions that most couples do not ask of themselves or each other so they find that they are suddenly married with different ideas about managing money, having children, raising children, the importance of careers. All of these major attitudes that will be involved in decision-making in addition to different problem-solving methods, etc. I hope I have given my children the courage to walk away when they approach marriage and even if at the last moment get that feeling that this is not the right person. No one can be 100% sure but too many people go through with it because the wedding has been paid for or all of the invitations mailed out.
In terms of the break-up, they know how their dad has made them feel and I am sure that there have been times that I could have managed things better as well so I hope that they learn from these things and actually consider that also when figuring out whom they wish to spend time with. Do you see this person working with you to raise the children or working against you and the children? I don't see my kids not wanting to get married because I have told them that despite the dearth of good marriages, there are some and when you marry the right person and put the effort into it marriage can be a wonderful thing.
I think because this generation has seen more first-hand hopefully we throw them into dating and beyond with a little more information than we had from sex and safe sex to learning how to communicate effectively and teaching them that counseling and therapy are not bad things and that one of the reason that many marriages are good is that people recognize that sometimes they may need help remembering why they married in the first place. I hope by the time my kids get married people will encourage those that are in decent marriages to work through the rough spots just as they will also support someone that is trying to get out of a union that is not salvageable. Think longer about it and work harder at it. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/20/2008 6:58:15 PM | My ex and I provide a very good example for our children on how to co-parent, even though we are divorced. We never have bad mouthed each other, or fought in front of them. We decided that early on.
I agree there are messed up situations. But this has always been the case, you just hear it talked about more now. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:07:10 PM | I have wondered about this, too, and I'm thinking that traditional marriage is on the way out. The factors binding marriage as an institution just don't hold that much weight anymore. Religion, social stigma, financial pressures have all reduced.
What I believe is emerging and will continue to grow is a new "friendship" model for long term committments where the value of staying with someone is based on the satisfaction of their companionship. Love and romance have their place, but the ability to be deep friends and companions is more likely to hold a couple together than any of the former factors. Of course, the whole issue of women's work and getting men to participate more in traditionally female tasks including child rearing is an essential hurdle to overcome. Unless a family is rich and can "outsource" these tasks (ie: hire a nanny, a housecleaner, buy expensive prepared meals), then they are often still major sources of conflict. If the friendship model of marriage grows and each partner is truly seen as being equal in responsibility for meeting the family's and couple's needs, then maybe our kids will have the long term committed relationships we failed to have ourselves? Only time will tell. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/21/2008 9:39:47 AM |
The factors binding marriage as an institution just don't hold that much weight anymore. Religion, social stigma, financial pressures have all reduced.
I wonder how much that plays a role
vs. the simple fact that we don't "depend" on our mate like we once did (both women and men)
vs. forever isn't the 20yrs together that it was when life expectancy was only 40ish. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/21/2008 1:00:53 PM | Both of my kids have their sights on eventually discovering 'the one', settling down, and having a family. Their first focus is on their education (yeah!) and following their dreams as a young adult beforehand. They're stable, well adjusted, kind human beings, more so than I was at their same age(s).
Although products of a divorce, they've experienced a loving family (and extended family that includes a step mother who is great), with positive role models. The reality of their life however, is that their parents did divorce. I think that because we made a concerted, co-parenting effort to make our kids the priority and not [/] put them in the middle or bad mouth each other, they have good outlooks on their own future relationships.
That's not to say that now that they're much older, they aren't more aware of what took place. They have asked questions and I answer them as best I can, tactfully and with consideration that these are our kids and they have a father who loves them.  | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/21/2008 2:20:02 PM | I ook at it this way...I am 35 years old and while my parennts are styill married most of my friends growing up had parents who were divorced. Many of my friends today have parents who divorced. What I se based on my co-workers and friends and people I have known over the years is this:
The attitude of many in my generation saddens me as they say that their parents got divorced and the adjusted so their children will adjust and while there are legit reasons to leave a marriage being bored is not one of them. (As another poster stated) Some people do not even try to make the marriahe work believing the grass is greener on the other side. We need to work on our relationships. Many people I know say it is easier for the child to move on when they break up with the current spouse as that is not the child's biological parent. Not everyone feels this way but most people I know do. With that attitude what will the next generation do? As it stands now we have a court syatem here in Canada that awrds child support for step children. Could the next generation decide marriage is not worth it to aviod all of the drama their parentrs go through with multiple marriages/common-law relationships. When I was a child many of my friend's parents said they were careful about who they dated..today many people do not seem to be careful in many caes and only honour wedding vows as long as they want to.
With al of the hassles over child support and visitation it would not surprise me to find out many in the next generation decide never to have children.
We need better moral values as a society. The family unit means little anymore. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/21/2008 7:51:24 PM | | What will the family unit look like for the next generation? We already have witnessed the break down of the nuclear family unit in just 2 generatiions...what will the future hold? | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/22/2008 1:17:26 PM | I still believe in marriage. I stress to S 10 that his dad's choices are just that his choices. We don't have to like them or agree with them, but we have to respect that they are his to make. My son has a very good understanding that marraiges are forever, and that it's not OK to make the choices his Dad chose to make. I think (hope) that this will have taught my S to fight for his family not walk away. He has suffered some major hurts from this situation, and I hope he wont want to do the same to his own family. I still raise him with the high morals I did before, and I think he knows right from wrong, and he doesn't agree with the choices his dad makes, or how he has handled this situation but he respects that it's his choice... I never would have chosen (I'm sure most wouldn't) for my kids to have divorced parents, but that is the situation so I t ry to teach a lesson from it... Time will tell if I'm successful or not... | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:34:31 PM | I have taught my sons they must first get their life going well then look to find a wife. They are both very popular in school and have many female contact on the net. We each change out name so contacts can ID us. I'm pop. Many times girls have actually asked me how to "seduce" (for lack of a better term) my son(s). I'm still not sure if they are just teasing me or what. But they both know the bitter reality that goes along with using the wrong organ to think with. I have been truthful in all the wrong things I
YES THATS RIGHT I did wrong. They both remember the way it was. Stupidly enough I tried at first to explain what she had done wrong and boy did that blow up. Even though I told the truth it was the WRONGEST thing I could have done. I have appologized to them and I never mention anything negative about her. If asked I explain to them that we both made some really stupid choiced and we both truly hoped that seeing our pain and suffering and feeling their own that they would do better.
Don't slam the ex it is absolutely wrong for the kids! Even the truth should be given very diplomatically.
If you seek conseling for your children do NOT get it at school as they will be singled out and will lose all their friends and be tagged with the "problem child" label.
Over the past few years I told them why we married. Basically I fell in love with the illusion she presented. The reason she presented the illusion was to get a man. Her younger sister married before she did and she felt disgraced. They both see our families and understand now. They understand more than any boys/men their age ever should but it will help them later in life. There were other issues as well but they are long past and seem to be done with.
Oddly enough my ex's lawyer took the boys aside and talked to them for a bit. This made me really nervous but he gave them both good advice they took and used.
Every divorce is horrible wether we want to admit or not but children are very resiliant and can overcome more than I had imagined. All we need to do as parents is
LOVE them and let them show emotion both good and bad. Kindly explain that anger is a gift that gives you strength to make a change in a wrong situation. Also explain that the time to take action is not right now. Just sleep on it and talk in the morning or (like mine did) refuse to sleep until it gets addressed. Cut em a little slack and they will learn.
Not sure about the math but to get a 50% divorce rate that means 25% of people are bad. Just do a tic tac toe thing with g for good and b for bad. 1 in 4 will be good with good 1in 4 will be bad with good 1in4 will be good with bad and 1in 4 will be bad with bad. Kinda tongue in cheek but it seem right. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/22/2008 11:27:50 PM | its only gonna get worse.
yes it will effect their relationships, but more importantly, its gonna effect their parenting for their next generation. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/23/2008 12:04:25 AM | The alternative to divorce is what? Remaining in a bad situation. Sure, there are salvagable situations but what about the people in abusive relationships. What does it teach their children if they remain in such circumstances?
Family is a wonderful thing but the key is for that family to be functional. Perhaps there are several lessons to be learned from divorce: 1) Walking away from something unhealthy is a sign of health. 2) Divorces are the end of one type of relationship doesn't have to be ugly. As a matter of fact, if 2 people can divorce and continue working in the best interests of their children it teaches a child that there is a good way to deal with something that is hurtful or adverse. 3) Divorce doesn't mean that the love ends towards the children. 4) Respect, fidelity and trust are key elements in maintaining a relationship 5) Take time to get to know someone because divorce does take its toll mentally, physically and emotionally so don't rush into something because it is the flavor of the day. Get married to someone who you can envision waking up next to every day for the rest of your life.
There are lessons to be learned in everything we do and it has been my experience that I rarely learned anything from opening up Christmas presents. My greatest learning experiences came from dealing with adverse situations in my own personal life. There is no crime to making mistakes. The crime is when you allow those mistakes to become obsessions that hinder you from reaching your self actualized potential. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/23/2008 8:46:31 AM | My kids are learning that family comes in all shapes and sizes. It may be 1parent, it may be a mom and dad, it may be 2 moms or 2 dads, it maybr grandma and grandpa are raising the kids, they are learning that a full family unit does not have to have a mom and a dad living together to be whole. They are learning how important extended family is, and that you can garner role models from anywhere, it is not limited to the parents.
My kids are learning that when bad circumstances arise in life you make the best of them, adapt and keep on going. Divorcing was not ideal, but it does not stop the family from functioning.
My daughter has learned it is not okay for men to misuse her just to be married for the kids, and that walking away can be done and is not the end of the world. My Son has learned what not to do, both in the treatment of women but also if he ever has kids (not walking away from them like his dad did). They are learning why it is important to have your ducks in a row before getting married and/or having children. They are learning that you don't have to settle just so you can have spouse, you can wait.
They are learning how to co-operate to help the family run more smoothly. I doubt I would get or expect nearly as much help from them around the house if I was still married. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/23/2008 1:58:18 PM | | What ill of this "Family coming in all shapes and sizes" Doing to our society and the next generation. As a society we do not value the family unit like we used to. In Hollland Italy and other places in Europe the family unit is considered the centre of the society and they do not have as many social problems as we do in North America. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:12:44 PM | I think i am teaching my Son that he does'nt have to "settle", and that if someone is not treating you right and disrespecting you then you get up and leave.. don't hang around and wait for it to get worse, don't be a victim - be strong and know your own mind.
It may hurt, but as my son you have friends and family that will support you and believe in you.
He also knows that i believe in marriage and what it stands for, that i think if you find the right person who treats you right then a monogomous and faithful loving relationship is exactly right.
At the end of the day, i can teach him all of these things - but he will make his own choices, all i can do as his Mother is be there for him if it does'nt work out. As parents that is all we can do. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:21:27 PM | I've been telling my sons that their existing families are important, but that when they older, it's just better if they don't live with anyone and avoid marriage if they can. I have tempered that a bit by telling them that if they really feel they want to get married to make sure they get their lives together and realize all of the personal dreams before they ever get hooked up in a serious relationship.
When they're old enough, I'll make sure they never trust a woman with their sperm and make sure they understand the consequences that are likely if they have kids. Hopefully, there will be an effective BC method for men when they are old enough that they will be able to use in addition to condoms and spermicide.
And, of course there will be some people who read my comments thinking that I'm slagging women and that I hate women. Not so. I just really believe that the future of 'marriage' type relationships will only become more precarious by the time my sons are adults and that I would be remiss in my duties as a father not to point out to my boys the pitfalls and consequences of those types of relatioships. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:53:51 PM | One of the many life lessons I hope I've taught my daughter is that you don't need more than two people to make a family. :) Her "plan" - her five-year-old's imagined future - is currently to have a baby and keep living with me! I've told her (and please goddess make it stick) that she's gotta have a great career in place before she creates children, of course (I couldn't care less whether she ever marries). But it says a lot about her happiness that she still wants to model her future family after her current one, instead of some sitcom 2adult+2.5kids ideal.
As to the OP's question of "Is all the discussions in the world about child support, maintenance enforcement, visitations, dead beat moms and dads going to affect them and their relationships in the future?", I can only answer for my own child. I haven't ever used the words or concepts of "maintenance," "visitation," or "deadbeat" with her, so those do not factor into her view of what family is. (To her, family is simply people who love each other, with the grown-up/s vowing to take care of the child/ren.) I think it's a rare parent, and/or a child over 16, who talks about such things together!
In short, I agree with some of the other posters that we single parents are showing by happy, competent example that families don't have to include marriage (or children).
I'm sure this thread will degenerate, as they all do, into a few NON-parents whining about "loss of traditional values" (good riddance to domestic slavery, expectations that women shouldn't work, and that marriage "vows" trump life changes that might make marriage untenable). The majority of single parents, though, are busy making creative, loving, stable homes for our children, and more tolerant communities that will give our kids even more options in who and how to love. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/23/2008 7:37:27 PM |
My daughter is 16, a sophomore. We have talked about how to identify now, the type of guy she would probably want in her life long-term. The kid that is planning on college, watch how he treats his mother, how his father or stepfather treats his mother, whether he is more concerned about how she feels or what his friends will think of him. With my boys, I tell them to pick girls that are also going somewhere, that have enough self-respect to dress decently, to also see how the mother and father interact and to never put a girl in a position to be doing something she does not want to and/or is not ready to do.
This reeks of sexism. Why are you requiring more from your daughter's beau's than your son's dates AND then put a condition on how your son treats his dates but not your daughters??
I hope that all of my children considering marriage will go to premarital counseling because there are many, many questions that most couples do not ask of themselves or each other so they find that they are suddenly married with different ideas about managing money, having children, raising children, the importance of careers.
Why should your children require premarital counseling? Haven't you gone over these things with them over the years?
I have to say that YOUR advice to your kids is better than most on here but I would put more emphasis on telling the kids just TWO things: Choose wisely, treat kindly. And OF COURSE, it should go w/o saying, "DON'T GET F'IN MARRIED BEFORE YOU'RE 27 AT THE EARLIEST!!!!" | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:12:13 AM | That the family is an unbreakable unit of continuity and team work dependant upon commonly agreed acceptable levels of behavior and where support and solace can be found in times of trouble. Familes are intergenerational and the opinions and advice from the oldest members can help guide the younger ones through life.
That everyone normally works or does other "jobs" , (minding the baby, caring for the Aunty after an operation, hell the housework as even young kids can load a washing machine etc), that help the unit to function smoothly, that everyone supports each others ambitions and dreams. Roles are not fixed - at any point in time someone may need a little more support than usual, but that support is there!
That occasionally some members may put themselves outside the fold simply by behaving in such a manner that they cause too much pain for the common good of that unit. That those who choose to stay outside the family unit are not prevented from doing so as everyone has free choice. This is a rare instance and the lone wolf misses out on all the fun! | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:22:07 AM |
And OF COURSE, it should go w/o saying, "DON'T GET F'IN MARRIED BEFORE YOU'RE 27 AT THE EARLIEST!!!!"
This is no guarantee that anything will work out better. My kid's father and I got married when I was 27, he was 29. Nine years later we still got divorced.
There is no magic advice to give your kids to ensure their success in relationships. You can provide examples through your own actions, hope they watch and really pay attention. You can tell them what is healty and unhealthy in relationships. Ultimately they are going to make their own choices, their own mistakes. In the end all you can do is pray that they are happy and healthy.
I talk to my children all the time about what is good/bad in relationships,especially my 15 yr old daughter. She is at dating age. And while she only had one bf for a short 2 months...we talk about all of it. I can only hope that she chooses wisely in her life based on what myself, her father, and extended family have taught her. | |
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nero1
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Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 23 | |
| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/26/2008 5:55:27 AM | | With the crap I've gone through with my ex re custody, child support etc. I will be recommending to my children that they do not marry and do not have children. A sorry situation but there is no promise of a reasonably happy, stable life once you have children with someone. You are at the other's and the court's mercy. The crap happens to women too, though less so, so I won't be any more encouraging to my daughter re this either. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/26/2008 6:41:12 AM | Well, interesting replies.
I wondered as my daughter ir reaching the age where she's dating, considering her options and I'm surprised to quite clearly hear her say she wants children, she wants to marry.
She knows that not all marriages fail, but she is more knowledgeable about what she should expect in a marriage thanI was 25 years ago. I think our younger generations realize marriages fail, many have lived through custody battles, dead beat dads, no visitations, etc and are determined that this won't happen to them.
Only time will tell. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/26/2008 7:33:15 AM | I have custody of my son and he spends most of the time with me and my family. I grew up with two very prioritized parents and I try to be prioritized as well. His needs are provided for and he is surrounded by love. He also has a very close relationship with his father. My son's father and I can usually work things out about visitations etc...I let my son go with his dad on christmas eve one time and it was hard, but he enjoyed it very much (they both did). My son's father did not have the securist environment growing up, so I'm the "police" of the situation alot...I had to quote the rules of our divorce decree quite often in the beginning and still do sometimes...
We have recently had a problem with some unrecorded child support payments at the courthouse , but I we were trying to cooperate together to get it resolved...in fact I may have to testify about payments I did receive that had misfortune of not being recorded. I try to pray about these things b/c it is not always rosy.
We haven't argued thru the years about small things, but have tried to cooperate and show that we both love our son. It is hard and I don't think God planned for people to be divorced...
My son is 16 now and in 2 years will be 18 and on the edge of independence. Things will be okay...he loves us both ...I'm certain of that... | |
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