| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 2:02:54 PM | I have been dating someone from this site for over a year now and things are only good half the time. It started out by her lying about her marital status and living situation. She took a trip just before we started dating, came back and told me she did nothing. A few months later I come across an email from a guy she met there asking if they are still going to meet in the summer and I see that she has been talking to him all along. I finally get over all the lies and we move in together after 6 months of dating. We get engaged, she shows off her ring to everyone, we go on a nice trip to celebrate and make wedding plans and she doesn't want to be intimate at all the entire trip. We return and a few weeks later she changes her status back to single on POF but never says there is a problem. These kind of issues keep coming up all the time.
The other day, we are out on a date and she runs into a guy she went to school with. She talks to him for a half hour, I get up and go to the bathroom and later for a smoke I send her a txt message reminding her that she has not introduced me even yet and finally get pissed off with the guy putting his arm around her and she seems to be in her own little world. I introduce myself to him and she gets mad saying I am being an assh*ole. We have an argument about it and she says she just forgot. I tell her this is stupid and I dont want to fight over it, I just found it extremely rude. She goes back to her seat and keeps looking over at the guy. He returns and I apologize to him if I came off as rude. He then takes the table next to us and they spend the rest of the night talking while she doesn't say two words to me. She sends me a txt msg telling me they are just friends but she is hanging off his arm and completely ignoring me. We go home and talk all the way home. She goes to bed and decides she wants to read and go straight to sleep after insulting everything I had to say. The next 2 days she is clearly mad at me and will not accept that perhaps she was actually wrong in this case and should just get over it.
To this day, things are still not good for us, she can't seem to stand being in the same room with me but tells me everything is fine. You see her talking to some old friends, she tells the guy you don't live there and tells a girl that she is not sure about the relationship and complains about how I am so insecure and it's driving her nuts. Should I be more trusting when seeing all of this? Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship? I don't know, you tell me. | |
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| What whould you do?
Posted: 3/21/2008 2:11:59 PM | Why on earth would you want to be engaged with a liar? What kind of life is that going to be?
I don't think her allowing another man to put his arm around her is a good sign that she is trustworthy and she definetly isn't concerned about your feelings. A good woman who has just gotten engaged would have introduced you right away as her future husband.
Shes stringing you along until someone better comes along.
Happy fishing! | |
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| What whould you do?
Posted: 3/21/2008 2:18:39 PM | Ugh. From the middle of that sewage pond I found this:
I send her a txt message reminding her that she has not introduced me even yet
I am SO FCUKING HAPPY that I am OLD school days where dikc heads couldn't text us their every effin insecurity. Send me a fuking note...
Jesus.
I would hate to be 20 in this now.
*shudder* | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 2:21:40 PM | | If you respect yourself, you will realize that you deserve better. She lies so casually and you are already miserable. That doesn't sound like the status that someone should be in when engaged. If you are miserable now, you will be miserable later. Do you really want to me miserable and mistreated the rest of your life? If I were I would say "NEXT!" | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 2:21:47 PM | | it just doenst sound like you 2 are compatable.. i think if you wanna save this relationship you need to have a very serious talk with her. from what you have said it doesnt sound like she cares about the relationship.. tell her how you feel. maybe you are insecure and she is feeling suffocated! i dont know cos ive only got your side of the story.. you do need to talk to her though, things will only get worse otherwise | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 2:55:33 PM | "I come across an email from a guy she met there asking if they are still going to meet in the summer" ( Checking out her emails?)
"I finally get over all the lies "(No you didnt)
"she runs into a guy she went to school with...She talks to him for a half hour ..the guy putting his arm around her ( she may have met him online too)
You should have left her there...went home and packed your bags and never to see her again.
She's a female playa...you know it..we know it..she knows it...deal with it and share her with Tom,****and Harry...or leave. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 3:44:06 PM | "It started out by her lying about her marital status and living situation."
If this is true, why are you with this person? You started off on the wrong foot. Things obviously aren't getting better. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a liar is not a good choice for a life partner. Are you so needy and insecure that you think you have to put up with this kind of behavior or be alone for the rest of your life? I can feel for you, but need to tell you that being alone is better than being with someone that you cannot trust and that does not respect you. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 3:53:55 PM | Nope, this is not fake. We have almost split several times but there are kids involved and they have become very close to me. Their father passed away and I am the only father figure in their lives. Don't get me wrong, we have had lots of "big talks" she will argue her point, trying to prove herself right and then she will come around for a while. Several months in fact, then it is back to the same old issue after several others have come up.
She is not messing around, but walks way to close to the line for me. After this all happened, I didn't want to argue in front of the kids so sent her an email. Explained how I felt about it, reminded her that she accuses me of being jealous and yet even with how she was acting, I did not get mad about the ignoring part. I let it happen and was willing to write the entire thing off as she was just being a dumb *ss.
Her reply back was nothing but an attack on me, she was right, I was wrong, and she was mad at me being such a jack*ss. As far as she is concerned, she should be able to talk to whom ever and I should be ok with being ditched on a date. I need to accept her behavior but she is not willing to accept mine.
I don't even care about the engaged part just yet, we are clearly not ready to get married any time soon but I am really bothered by her not wanting to admit we live together and are a couple. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:04:19 PM |
Nope, this is not fake.
If this is not fake then you are an idiot. WAKE UP!!! Re read your thread title. Do you think that this is how a happy union works? Do you really think so little of your self?
You seem to recognize that you are being abused, but the next sentence you are trying to defend her abuse of you. WAKE UP!! I know that it can be difficult to make changes in your life. I know that it hurts but unless you are satisfied with being her doormat (and the laughing stock of everyone that knows you) get some dignity and self respect and move on. It is commendable that you are concerned with the kids, but that is a wek a$$ed excuse that you use to keep yourself here. These are not your kids. You can still be a positive influence in their lives (if she will let you) without beng her doormat. They are not a mated set. You can be one and not the other. The truth is that you are not strong enough to leave this relationship. You need to decide if this is what you want for yourself or not. If it is not then you gotta get out. If it is then shut the f#ck up and live with it... until she dumps you for the new guy! | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:19:25 PM | Trust me, more times than I can count I wanted out! I even almost moved in with my ex just to get away from this one. Every time I do, she ropes me back in with kindness. It would be easy if it was always terrible. He lying about her marital status to me was understandable. She was brainwashed by her ex that no one would want her. She was very picky as to who she would date and the ones she was interested in we not so interested in her.
We met by fluke and other then starting off on shaky ground, the next 5 months (after sorting out the first one) we freaking fantastic. The past 6 have had a lot of problems but 95% of the time things are great. The issues that do come up though are just like this. If she would admit to being wrong, stop the need for attention from other guys and go back to the way things were from month 2 through 6, we would have the perfect relationship.
I know I am too forgiving, I should have dumped her on the first lie and seen the trees for the forest, but I didn't. No I feel like leaving will be harder than staying and neither is a good option. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:44:55 PM | | You don't have a relationship - you have a power struggle. If you don't respect yourself, there is no reason for anyone else to. You aren't doing the kids any good because they are learning how relationships work by observing yours. You might as well give her permission to cheat while you babysit because it sure looks like she's heading in that direction (which is NOT uncommon when there is no respect in a relationship). Learn to love and respect yourself, please. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 7:13:30 PM | OP, unlike virtually all the women here and most of the men, I can understand what you're going through. When you have something good and it starts to go sour, you hold on to the good times, because sometimes those moments return. It's not anything fancy psychologically, it's just that once having had love, the heart wants to keep it and will endure hardship to have it again. Naturally, the heart is attached to the one that first loved.
However, I think you realize that there will be no easy way out of this situation. There is no magic potion, no self-help guide, no instant fix. What you're going to have to do is steel yourself. Build walls. Remember the bad times and how disrespected you were. Remember the fights. Remember the months of pain. Keep telling yourself that you deserve better, you need better, and you will find better. Move out and cut all ties. Will that be rough on the kids? Yes. Will making your life unendurable by living with a woman who won't communicate and secretly hates you give them a good idea as to what male-female relationships should be? No. It is better for them and for you to get out.
So please get out. Save yourself. Save them.
And one last thing -- ignore the haters. They have nothing but bitterness and anger and judgment and they seek to pour out their superiority like acid on everyone who openly admits problems or seeks help. If there ever was a definition of "undateable", I'd say it applies to nearly everyone who has responded thus far. For shame. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 8:10:24 PM | OP said: No I feel like leaving will be harder than staying and neither is a good option.
You have issues if you stay one more day. If you stay you deserve all the heart ache she can shell out. Get a back bone! Respect your self. And when your going out the door which I think you wont. That's when she will be the nicest to you ever!
Get a real life. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 8:27:26 PM | Ok...I know that it is probably just what I have experienced, but gahhhhh....I always see guys that stay with these women that treat them like crap and then cry when they break up! It is like they are only happy when they are with someone that treats them like crap!
Dude, if you are happy, stay in the relationship and if you aren't get out... | |
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oshan
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Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 22 | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 8:29:08 PM | W t h is with all the texting and e-mailing going on between you two, OP? Are you in grade 8? Fercrissakes, TALK TO EACH OTHER.
I can't believe anyone would put up with the crap you recounted in the opening post, not for the sake of kids ( pathetic excuse, btw) or any other reason. Since you did , though, and you seem to still want to, then suck it up.
I don't get what your problem is here. You're doing exactly what you should have expected to be doing from the start of this relationship, if everything you say is true. | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 8:31:29 PM | You need to get your ring, and run like hell, run faster than you ever have. she is using you, doesnt care one thing about you and is probably sleeping with those guys.
You are not being insecure, you are being smart. get out of there and do not marry her.
Break up then work on the problems, you need to move out too or is she moved in with you, ask her to leave.. serious.
Cynthia | |
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| Am I just being insecure and this should be expected in a long term relationship?
Posted: 3/21/2008 8:37:49 PM | You are deceiving yourself. This happens whenever we fear being alone, so we stay in a less than healthy relationship and justify the problems away to avoid being alone.
This was a similar run to the end of my LONG marriage. For a few years, he would "act as if" all was well, while in fact when perturbed (often),he would tell me that he did not like me, could not stand me, would sleep in the spare room, etc. I took it and he kept doing it.
Stand up to her, and stop allowing yourself to be made out to be the one with the problem. Those kids are NOT stupid, they should not grow up thinking what you 2 have is normal. | |
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