| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:02:04 PM | Six years ago. I met W fell for each other made plans he was moving to me organised school for son. made plans for the future.I couldnt get a job there. so he planned to come to me. He couldnt get a job so that all changed.Hurt me really bad,we lasted about three years he kept in touch .. He eventually found a job a year later and wanted me back.On a permant basis.
About Year after I met W. I met P. we became best friends.Six months ago we became a couple. He lives about 2hrs 30 mins away.He makes plans to move to me and has been looking for accomad and another job.I see him regular.He meets my family and friends. we have planned paid holidays sorted.
Going back to W tells me P has another women.. I just laughed it off. As him being jealous.New years eve P and I go to a big party.W calls me he is there to asks me to marry him.to prove to me that he loves me and hopes I forgive him..I dont.He was in a head on collision that night going home.died 4 days later.The police think it was deliberate.at his funeral his family hated me.
Life carrys on as normal. I find out two weeks ago. P is living a double life W was telling the truth.He tells me himself.after I asked a few questions.He is living with a woman?three kids.
What I dont understand.if he is comfy and well settled with what and were he is. why didnt he tell me months ago. I chose P ....over W..He knew that I would have been with W. Now W is dead he tells me..I'm still in shock over two weeks now.according to him he loves his both....Do I look stuiped.staying with her is the easy option.
This was my best friend and partner......so if you cant trust them who can you trust | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:12:29 PM | A double life? I have enough trouble with just one.  I guess from now on you will do a back round check on potenial dates. Sad that the world has come to this, but there you have it. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:13:23 PM | Ouch, that is an extremely sad story.
W made a choice, and if it IS TRUE his choice was to end his life. He made a bad choice for all the wrong reasons. Don't blame yourself.
Shug hindsight is 20/20 compared to foresight. When someone tells you something about someone you love, you are given a choice, and sometimes that choice isn't always the easiest, or is always the right one.
Do you lament the loss of W because now you are alone, or do you lament his loss because you really loved him?
That is the question you have to ask yourself.
As for P, he was playing games with you and the person he lives with. He's having his cake and eating it too, all the while two women are in limbo.
If you can't trust your partner because they are with someone else, they really AREN'T your partner. The person you are to turn to is within yourself. Do you want to share you partner with someone else?
You learn to trust yourself, and work at the choices you have in front of you. If you chose wrong, learn from that mistake and chose better the next time.
Good luck. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:22:33 PM | Wow, I'm really sorry about all your heartache. None of this was any of your fault.
Sometimes, the internet permits people to carry on a double life. You could never
know. Don't judge yourself so harshly. You followed your heart and did the best
you could. That's all any of us could do. Trying to make sense of senseless situations
will only make you nuts. Love yourself first. Take it easy. And next time you fall in
love, don't be afraid. Just love the best you can and hope for the best. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:24:55 PM | I still cared for W...and his son.. even though I wasnt with him.I do blame myself for his death and so dose his family.I had a very bad experience there.Drove 5 hrs to get there,to recieve mental and physical abuse.
I gave P the choice .I'm not sure he has made it.. so I moved on. It would be easier for him to stay there.. for me he would have to move and get another job..
There was no signs what so ever that this was going on.She didnt know either found out just before me.Non of his friends family or work mates know of his living arrangements.Just that he is paying rent there.That how it all started off..I have the support of friends..but only time can heal. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 5:04:31 PM | You cannot control what others do or say. But W chose to walk away from your relationship and P was a liar.
LDR's often end like this, when you don't see someone all the time they can be married, gay, drug addicted or have any one of a million other problems. Based on your history I would stick to local people. You have been way too trusting and have put your life on hold for two men that were not stable.
You are not at fault for what W did, I am very sorry you cannot see that.  | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 5:18:36 PM |
I still cared for W...and his son.. even though I wasnt with him.I do blame myself for his death and so dose his family.I had a very bad experience there.Drove 5 hrs to get there,to recieve mental and physical abuse. As you should (blame yourself). You chose an artful liar over the honest, truthful guy who proposed to you. I'm sorry to say, but that's what you get. He even had a (now fatherless) kid and all - how tragic.
I gave P the choice .I'm not sure he has made it.. so I moved on. Even after you knew he was duplicitously double-dealing? Wow, nice guys really do finish last, and apparently, some don't ever finish at all. Maybe you should have given poor W a choice, or at least some love... Too late now I'm afraid. 
I have the support of friends..but only time can heal. Some are luckier than others it seems - good luck to you, though I wouldn't count too much on time... | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 7:42:50 PM | Excogotator, did you miss the part where she states he was abusive to her?
So she made a choice, didn't know she was with a cheater, over someone that abused her.
That is WAY OUT OF LINE to blame someone for their own choice of killing themself. She IS NOT responsible for him making the choice to leave his son fatherless, HE WAS AN ADULT. Yes, how tragic that the only thing Mr W could think about was himself and not the legacy of pain and hurt he'd leave his own flesh and blood.
DUDE the two were broke up.
NO BODY should be blamed for someone elses death unless they pull the trigger. W had a choice, and he made it.
OP, get some help in the department of grieving. You are NOT responsible for the reaction of W. You stated he was abusive, and you did what ANY sensible responsible woman, and parent should do, and that was to leave the relationship.
TO blame yourself is taking responsibility that YOU never had.
Take care of yourself, and move forward, seems like a break from the dating scene, and counseling for your hurt, and esteem would be a good thing to consider...
Good luck... | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:42:24 PM | Not to be rude Blondnblue, this guy who you call a best friend and partner is nothing more than a piece of shit from a dog's ass , is this the best you can do in a mate?
Are you telling me you don't have any true friends? look bottom line is you're not to blame for W death, its a unfortunate tragedy and if his family is blaming you for this death, then you must realize that his family is looking to blame someone and doesn't want to admit that he ( W) was wrong, its better for some people to blame then to admit when one is wrong.
Bottom line is I think you need to seek out professional intervention, between a tragedy, a dead beat piece of shit of a boyfriend/friend and dealing with the ex's family wrath, that is more problems a normal person can deal with. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:00:53 AM | Thanks for your posts.
I did make a bad choice.But didnt know it at the time.I also didnt know P was decieving me.When I met P... he was not living with anyone and we had been friends for a while. His move to her happened down the line. She was a friend who over time became more.According to her he has not been happy there for a while.
I do have some good friends who want to throttle P... at the moment.
And are supporting if and when.I obviously didnt know my bf at all. As for him being my best friend.I believed that he was... as he'd been my support in times past.we talk laugh about the good bad and the ugly.Everything that a best friend dose. in times of need.I didnt know he was otherwise.
The last two weeks I have been in shock with this. As it dosant seem poss, but there you go.....life.........
I will not be seeing him again....Its a case time is the greatest healer. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/23/2008 4:47:23 PM | nexthymen
Excogotator, did you miss the part where she states he was abusive to her? I must have, because I don't consider "(he)Hurt me really bad" as ABUSE. It can mean any number of things. He could have been the nicest guy in the world, but unfortunately, due to circumstances, had to break a promise which resulted in the "hurt". I think you misread that it was (his) family abuse after the fact, and understandably so.
So she made a choice, didn't know she was with a cheater, over someone that abused her. All too often do things go like this: "Hi, I'm a nice guy, wanna marry me?" - "No, this other guy has me curious about him, because he's so mysterious, sorry." - "But he already has a girl, the mystery you perceive is because he's decieving you! There's nothing but hurt there." - "Well, I don't know that and HAVE TO find out on my own, because I don't believe what anyone tells me anymore, due to how many times I've been lied to - I've lost faith in other human beings, and frankly I really don't care anymore." - "Nonsense - you are beliving him because he has you so confused, you don't know what to believe, but you know not to believe me, why?" - "I refuse to take responsibility for my actions, and accept that I have absolutely no control over my life, so I follow my whim, wherever the breeze takes me, and do so I MUST - my curiosity for the "unknown", danger and peril drive me!" - "It's not unknown - he's a cheat, simple! The breeze? Nothing but hot air." - "Well, we shall see." - "Are you daft? Why the risk if I say I'll work with you and we can have a decent life together? I pledge my forever loyalty." - "Without risk, there's no reward." - "What the fvck are you talking about? Now you're just quoting stupid sayings people don't even comprehend and misuse - I'm offering a sure thing here." - "Ho hum, that sounds boring." - "And a jerk sounds exciting?" - "He's not a jerk, he's my friend." - "He's only your friend so that he can get in your pants - I'm offering to marry you because you make me happy, and I know that we can make each other happy if given a fair chance - we're all we ever need, don't you get it?" - "Get away, you're scaring me." - "Whatever, but don't say I didn't warn you."
It's quite sad and unfortunate.
That is WAY OUT OF LINE to blame someone for their own choice of killing themself. She IS NOT responsible for him making the choice to leave his son fatherless, HE WAS AN ADULT. Yes, how tragic that the only thing Mr W could think about was himself and not the legacy of pain and hurt he'd leave his own flesh and blood. She knows why she's blaming herself - It's something she needs to forge through. I'm actually supporting her decision.
I'm not saying this is how it went down, but sometimes, women fail to remember that men are emotional creatures as well (that or neglect to acknowledge the ones that are abnormally so - the norm pushing near nil by today's standards), and she perhaps felt she needed to "hurt him" back that night, by saying something she knew would do it, or by repressing/suppressing/concealing her admittedly still lingering feelings for him, and not forgiving him. In a drunken New Years Day haze, shut out from the woman he loves now forever gone, a hodgepodge of feelings including hurt, despair, rage, regret and grief crash down on him like a tsunami of tears and blind him from the moment at hand. Nothing even seems real anymore, except the rock in his chest - like it's some kind of mocking dream. His body reacts and he needs to escape - he needs to get out of this nightmare and right quick. His leg locks, forcing the pedal to the metal. He's going insanely fast but not fast enough - the world inside his car is a blur, and the one outside, even less. He's swirving around like nothing matters, and to his own chagrin, he starts to laugh through the hurt and through the tears at what a joke life is, to try to shake his disheartened feeling that nothing he does is ever good enough for anyone. It's been that way all of his life, which is now flashing through his mind and BAM! The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital room, disappointed in himself that he couldn't even take his life properly. A failiure to the bitter end. Yet some divine intervention has him clinging onto life against his own, obviously weak will. But wait, there is strength in it. It comes from the love he has for a woman, and that for his son. He knows that his son needs him, but he doesn't believe in himself because no woman will love him for him. He desperately struggles to see if she'll show up and at least forgive him, before he finally accepts that she'll never come - that she is truly gone. And so he lets go his Love, his Hopes, his Dreams...
TO blame yourself is taking responsibility that YOU never had.
And to take responsibility shows courage and valiance - if more people did it, more would be virtuous. I for one admire her, and despite what anyone thinks, feel sorry for her.
A strong case of "forgive and forget" turned "didn't forgive and now won't ever forget".
I'm glad to read she has proclaimed to have nothing more to do with that scoundrel, but you never know... Time tells better than it heals.
... | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/23/2008 5:39:30 PM | Just to make things clear when W ..and I had called things off it was a while before P.. and I became a couple. I had moved on and was with him..
There was never any pay back or revenge for W.. at all what so ever..Dont know were you got that from..whilst I was with P. I thought we were both dedicated to each other. I had no reason to think otherwise.I also had no reason to play both guys.Both new were they stood,i was totally honest
I made a choice to move on and stay with P..It was a bad choice as I have found out. But this has happened three months after W...died. If W was still here now. I'm not sure I would have ever have gone back to him.As for what he was feeling before the accident I dont need reminding. I already know.
As to forgive and for get.You are forgetting he put his job before me.And then I didnt see him for a year.We did keep in contact..I had no reason to think he was ever moving to me he may never have moved.I didnt know till the last minute. By the time he came to were I was living. I was already involved with p for sometime.
Life works in mysterious ways..not always the way we want..
I have paid the price.. in FULL...by losing both men..I have to live with that.. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/23/2008 8:42:59 PM | I guess men know that no job = no woman.
Was he trying to make ends meet? If by job you mean his own child (someone has to pay for him), women do it all the time. Only you would know if he was truly willing to move or not - a proposal is usually enough I would think, but you may have had your own reasons not to believe him, esp. if he lied to you in the past.
I didn't say you purposely vindicated or avenged yourself, hence my disclaimer "I'm not saying this is how it went down, but sometimes..." - It was suppositional and hypothetical cogitation.
I'm sorry for your compunctious loss, but even more sorry for W and his son.
Best of luck. | |
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| A double life. I didnt know about.
Posted: 3/24/2008 12:32:49 PM | OP,
W's suicide (if that's what is was) is NOT your fault. Don't ever blame yourself for something like that. This is coming from a once-suicidal woman who almost killed herself over a breakup: the emotional and mental anguish W suffered was beyond anything you could have fixed. He should have sought outside help if he was suffering that badly. It was never your job to "save" him. If he basically made you feel that he would kill himself unless you agreed to marry him, then that's emotional blackmail. You can sit there until the dogs come home contemplating the "what ifs" and "if onlys" of the situation. But it won't help you heal. You don't owe anyone on here an explanation why you decided not to pursue a relationship with W again. You did what you thought was best for you and no one should blame you for that.
Seek counseling or therapy. You are going through a lot right now and having a professional to help you and sort your feelings out will help a great deal. There is no shame or embarrassment in admitting you might need help.
And for P.....thank goodness you found out and got out. I wouldn't give that guy a second thought. It hurts the most when the person you thought you could rely on and considered your best friend ends up being your ultimate betrayer. You are a strong person and you will get through this. Just take it one day at a time. It will get better. I promise.
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