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| | Should we, over 30, continue to wait for "the one" or adapt to what little is available?Page 1 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | | My wife left me 2 years ago, and I've been dating for the last year. I have, until recently, felt that there was "one" true fit for me somewhere that met all of my ideals. Intelligence, wit, humor, personality, looks, likes/dislikes, etc. Lately, however, I'm relinquishing that ideology to the realism that there MAY NOT be "one" for each of us; that we must simply step back, breathe a little, and adapt to what few single women are left at our age. Forging ahead with a somewhat different outlook. Is anyone else having this issue? Giving up on a dedicated search for "one true mate" and settling for what is available? And is this only a male issue, or are women faced with this too? | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 11:55:25 AM | Best to find someone whom you like and fits you...then make her "the one" by a long and healthy relationship.
Mates aren't picked by higher powers up above...they're made by two people who find compatibility, love one another, and work through any possible difficulties.
Too many out there think it's supposed to be a 90%-100% perfect match right off the bat. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 2:05:42 PM | Speaking for myself, I've been happily single for years. I've only started "looking" again out of curiousity and have contemplated the thought of dating here and there. I'm not emotionally detached or apathetic to relationships, marriage, kids, love, etc etc ad nauseum...Chances are you'll eventually find what you're looking for if you concentrate on bettering yourself and moving towards accomplishing your own personal goals and finding fulfillment on your own instead of pining for someone or being all needy and dependent or reliant on someone else making you happy.
With so many people on this planet, there is not a ONE but rather a FIRST ONE(first time being when you fall in love)...sometimes things don't work out and "them's the breaks"...live and learn or die and burn. Sometimes the best relationships involve only one person : ) Good luck with your search, love is ageless so it shouldn't matter how old one is when they find it, just so long as you do : )
Brian | |
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DonQ
| | Joined: 1/10/2008
Msg: 5 | |
| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 2:23:57 PM | I lost my soul mate in 2000 and don't really think I can ever find a match like that again. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop though.
You can't expect people to conform to a ghost or match every single one of your criteria. This is an off-the-rack world and tailor made just isn't in the works. You'll both need to adapt and change a bit for each other. If you can't do that then I think you're pretty much destined to mourn your loss in solitude the rest of your life. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 3:10:08 PM | I think the term "soulmate" is overused and for the most part does not exist, not in today's hustle and bustle. I believe there are several possible mates that are good fits on every important level and the real trick is meeting up with just one of them when both of you are available and ready to commit and be in a relationship. I have met a few women over the years that I really connected with, we made each other laugh easily, conversation flowed readily and there were definite sparks on several levels, but one or both of us were not available for whatever reason at the time. The trick is to find one of the "right ones" at the right time in both of your lives. I believe that is the goal and possibly the sweetest thing ever when it does happen.
P.S. - Settling is for chumps, don't do it. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 3:41:03 PM | | Never settle , thats a sure fire way to wind up either in a loveless realinship or single again . once you decide to setle the nex thing are compromises and i dont mean the compromise of i want to watch the game but she loves lost so we'll watch lost. i mean the compromise of being with someone whos not as smart as you like or as funny or who has personality traits you dislike and normally wouldnt deal with. i realize that sometime being alone can feel unbearable but if you look at it in terms of the length of your life a few months alone is a drop in the bucket. now the perfect person isnt out there but the right person is so search date and find em but never settle for less than you feel you deserve or need | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 4:07:03 PM | I have been , more or less, single for 7 years now .It has been full of dates and dry spells too. I can't imagine ever being in the mind set of thinking I should just settle.
I will die alone before I am with someone I am not head over heels for.
If you are with someone who you don't think is "the one for you " that probably means you are still secretly peeking around looking for her....and that is not fair to anyone. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 4:12:08 PM | It is interesteing to see how the original question about adapting changed to settling?
Contrary to popular belief , Darwins rule of evolution is not
survival of the fitest
survival of the smartest
or survival of the quickest
It is actually th especies that can ADAPT to changes the quickest will survive the longest... Failure to adapt to changing patterns (food supply or dating) will result in your EXTINCTION!
Choose wisely while you are waiting for that perfect fit....
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:10:18 PM | | Sometimes I really believe that there is one person who is just right for me...Then sometimes I get lonely and consider settling for less than my heart desires. I'd like to tell you what is gonna win out but I don't really know. I really want to believe that there is someone out there just for me who is gonna make my heart skip a beat...that one guy I just can't wait to see or kiss or just hear the sound of his voice. Who knows?!?! | |
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icartb
| | Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 13 | |
| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:27:28 PM | It depends on what you are passing up. I think some people are waiting for perfection and they will never find it. Me...I'm very picky. I will always find something wrong with situations, people, etc.... I had to teach myself to be less critical. How do I know the person I'm with now is the one for me? As silly as this sounds, he completes me. I look forward to seeing him after being away from him for a few days. Even though he thinks it drives me nuts that he leaves things out, it really doesn't (and yes, it might once we get married, I know myself enough to know I'll just deal with it). He makes me want to be better. Being with him helps me understand why all the other relationships didn't work out and why I'd never go back to those men.
I'm 10 years older than you and didn't even date until I was in my early 30's. I learned a lot in a short amount of time. I think you will know in your gut when you have found someone who is meant for you. I knew who was and who wasn't. With former boyfriends who weren't and I tried to tell myself they were, something didn't feel right. Something feels right with this one.
Wait until you have the right one. I always told myself I'd rather be happily single than unhappily married. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 6:04:35 PM |  Let me tell you a story about my best friend. He was 30, single (never been married), no kids and he wanted a wife who had the same life experiences he did. He had been praying for 10 years and thought that he had lost his soul mate BUT about 7 months ago God brought a woman into his life who was everything he had wanted - including a virgin.
Don't give up and don't settle for less than the best. By settling you run the risk of getting into a relationship that 10 years down the road you want out of. Occassionally the one you are meant to be with has made a mistake and isn't ready just yet. And sometimes we aren't ready just yet. If you don't believe in God then you'll think what I'm saying is crap but I believe God has prepared someone for everyone who is supposed to have someone. I also believe that if you desire is to find Mr. or Mrs. Right you will.
The issue you are facing is not gender sensitive it hits all men and women of all ages, nationalities and backgrounds. I am 32 with a 9 year-old and an 11 year-old. I was in an abusive marriage for 3 years and I have been out for 8 years. I spend a lot of time wondering where Mr. Right is and I have been tempted to go and find the first man that wants me but then I come to my senses and remember that I am better than that and I deserve the best God has for me. You do too... don't settle the price is too high when you do. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 4:12:11 PM | OP, you (sort of) answer your own question in your profile, where you state "Great relationships take time." It's true!
You've only been dating for about a year, so (IMO) it's a little too soon to start considering that you'll have to "settle" for one of us picked-over women! 
BTW, I thought I'd finally met that man I "couldn't live without" when I was 35, but his degree of dedication turned out to be MUCH lower than my own a few years into the marriage. So you never know. Maybe you could take a chance on one of those gals you've met that you could live with, possibly let a great relationship develop over time.
JMO ~~  | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 4:17:12 PM | I feel like that sometimes too. I'm 31, own my house and car, I'm a professional female. But, sometimes I just feel like giving up and settling for what's out there instead of what I really want.
In the end, that's only going to mean hurt feeling on both mine and the potential partner. We shouldn't "settle" for anything, especially not falling in love. Maybe the saying is true, when you stop looking... love finds you.
Good luck.
Jo | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 4:32:30 PM |
Sometimes I really believe that there is one person who is just right for me...
It seems that most people feel this way, that there is that one person out there that is THE perfect match in all ways. The problem is that the odds are that you won't be the perfect match for them. I hate to see the word "settling" used to descibe someone that is only 90% of that perfect one and then they're gone and you'll never have that opportunity again. Better to give everyone that meets your minimums a chance to show their stuff in my opinion. I've yet to meet anyone who would have been my perfect mate and I've been lucky enough to have been in love twice (and a third probably would have gone that way in more time). I wouldn't trade those times for anything. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 9:13:51 PM | First of all, OP, I'm sorry to hear that your ex-wife left you. If you still have feelings for her, you may not be ready for a new relationship just yet, even if your ex would not go back to you. When you're ready, you might want to broaden your playing field and try a Latina, Asian, or Eastern European. That depends on what your taste in women are.
I don't believe in just one soulmate per person. 7 years ago I had a girlfriend from Brazil and we were quite compatible, at least according to astrology and numerology. A lot of people think those things are bunk, but they've been quite accurate for me. The problem was that she didn't want to leave Brazil and I couldn't move down there at the time due to health reasons. It took a while (not years), but I did get over her. I did try going back to her, but she wouldn't change her mind about relocating. I did go to Brazil and I met her friends and family, but in the end it didn't work out. No, she wasn't shorter than me; she wasn't younger than me; nor was she the 'submissive' type.
The last thing you don't want to do is 'settle'. You will be neither be fair to yourself nor to the woman you 'settle' for. You might have to expand your search area if you don't find the kind of woman you're looking for locally. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 9:35:23 PM | V. Leigh said it exactly right. Including the fact that if you don't have what you really want, you will only feel a little short-changed, will subconsciously keep looking for it, regardless of who you DO have, and that isn't fair to anyone. That is, if you feel you have unfairly been forced to lower your standards.
That's not to say of course that everyone you spend time with has to be a perfect match. Those aren't all that common, and true SoulMates are a very rare thing. Something we may never find at all.
But, we can have fun and great times with all kinds of people. And even sometimes find good romantic compatibility with someone other than what we originally had in mind. This not to say you are "settling" for less, you're not. But instead, you have made adjustments to your heart's desires. And that's allowed. At least the Manual says so.
-Suth'nBoy 
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 10:55:23 PM | Personally, I think it's unfair to both people to spend time and energy on a relationship you have little or no interest in. Having said that, I'd say that much of the whole "settling" vs. "waiting for the one" thing is a matter of perspective. It's fine to know what you want, but it's also easy to filter what you see in a person through so many fixed expectations that you never get to find out who they really are - just whether or not they match up with who you want them to be. In that case, there's no real "relating" going on, and therefore the "relationship" never has a chance - it never even existed. How could you be interested? There's nothing there, no real connection.
We're so used to looking at romance through someone else's fairy tale ideal that we forget that we're the ones in the story - and the story isn't very interesting if the characters know what happens next, is it?
Which relates to the "soulmate" ideal quite well, I think. Most people's idea of soulmates, to me at least, seems to boil down to having a keen interest in one another. If that's the case, then it also seems to me that there are a whole lot of "the ones" out there. Getting to know someone might take on an adventure-like quality when you focus on what's interesting to you about them, rather than merely how they fit your own ideals.
Hardly slim pickings when you look at it that way. In a scenario like that, one is less likely to "settle" for anything - and at the same time, more likely to discover something quite beyond their expectations. And isn't that really what fairy tale heroes find in the end? Fairy tales tell about the rewards of courage and of leaving your comfort zone behind. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:35:44 PM | Age is just a number...online seems to be a BIG HUGE deal...
When you go out in public like dancing and such, people treat you according to what you look!
Meaning if you look like grandma or granpa in your 80's with a whole bunch of wrinkles, hopefully you will get respect from your younger society.
If you look like a fresh young bubbly teen you will be treated as such. If you are 47 and look 37, you will get approached by a certain age group.... for dating etc.
For modeling purposes you might be 35 but are getting jobs that would fit 23-33 so thats your age...SO...so why ruin it and think life and dating is over past 30?
My advise don't settle for anything ... don't adapt or you might be stuck with the wrong one....so many of my friends settle because they are lonely or simply think they have to.... Live outside the box and you will for sure find the right one....Good luck to you ....  | |
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dirigo
| | Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 24 | |
| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:43:30 PM | Firegoat expressed most of my opinions quite well so I won't add any redundant blather to this thread other to say:
Cooper, look around! You said "what few single women are left at our age". Dude, it's like a buffet out there. Way bigger, and might I say better, selection of women then I ever had in my younger days. Start sampling! You'll find a flavour that may not be what you had in mind, but damn it's good! It may just become your new favorite!  | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:35:29 AM | Never, ever "settle"! You'll live the rest of your life always wondering "what if". A life half lived is a life WASTED!
Find someone that sets your heart a flutter. Makes you want to leap mountains. Makes you walk on air. Anything less isn't good enough.
He/she does exist. It's just a matter of finding them. And it's up to you to turn over every rock, look under every stone to find them. The second you give up and "settle" is the second you guarantee you'll never, ever find that special person. Keep looking. And ALWAYS keep the faith.
Happy fishing! | |
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